Power of Silence

Balance Is

2012-02-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

Place a 6 feet plank of wood on the ground. Stand on one end of the plank and get a friend to stand on the opposite end. Now seesaw. Silly girl, you say? I agree. The plank of wood is the world, the ground is the Universal One. If placed on plain ground the plank maintains its entity but remains in perfect balance rooted to the ground. Similarly if I consider myself as an entity and you as one too but know that we are part of the same source, there need not be a separation. The moment I raise the plank off the ground and place it on the edge of another plank it becomes capable of causing an imbalance and there can only be a limited amount of points on that plank at which there maybe a chance at balance. It is the same with me - the moment I see myself as an entity separate from anyone and anything else I cause an imbalance in life and there is a constant struggle between balance and imbalance which is the premise of duality!

This does not mean that I suffer no pain nor that I do not empathize with the very 'real' pain of those around me. It only means that I am part and parcel of the pain and joy of all around me and that I impact the lives of all around me by my actions, words and thoughts whether it be directed at one, the other, or at many! If I truly believe that I need to be kind, compassionate, giving, forgiving, empathetic towards the destitute or the sick then I must be the same with the wealthy and healthy too! If I am unkind to the simple and friendly with the rich then I am causing confusion in the Universe! Lying or being deceptive maybe the path I follow in some aspects of life while being true, kind and compassionate in most other aspects - this can only cause stress! It is better to stay centered and true to the core and live up to the higher principles in all aspects in life. Only then is true balance possible. Is this possible when the world is so full of deception? I believe it is not only possible it is essential! The reason why we choose to compromise with values and standards is because we are afraid of the backlash or the consequences that will come from the 'outside.' That is we separate ourselves from the Universe! The true consequence of all our actions comes from within - never from without! It comes from how we FEEL first about our own actions and then about how others judge us for that action!

Judging and being judged is a perfect example of imbalance. When we label ourselves and others, when we talk about us and them, we are calling up our sense of separation. Simply because you are doing something different or in a different manner than me does not separate you and me. Duality is a concept. All the possibilities together make up the One. Our ego hates to be judged by others but is quick to judge others itself. I am always right and even if I can see that you have a viewpoint that is different I have to continue being the one in the right - which according to principles of duality means you are wrong. Instead if I am peace and joy and you are peace and joy then you and I have views that spread peace and joy. Does this mean that there is no anger and sadness? Not at all - there is and I empathize with that feeling and share in it with you in peace. I do not add to it!

A group of people are trying to clean up the streets of Bangalore in India. They simply take their brooms, their cleaning agents, paints, masks and go down to the streets and clean them up, paint the walls, repair the pavements, remove the posters from lamp posts and trees, place garbage bins and walk away. They then hire a few people to clean the garbage bins, sweep the roads and simply maintain the small stretch of road. The shopkeepers along the street help them by making sure their customers do not litter and take pride in their small part of the street. These young men and women do not say a word to anyone, they simply keep doing their part. When asked what if you ruffle the feathers of a politician whose poster you have scraped off the wall and their followers act rowdy with you? Their response is a, "We smilingly let them know that this is public property and we all benefit by keeping the place clean and beautiful. We do not fight back - this is not about being against anyone - this is about being in it together. Most times people appreciate it and if they do not we leave that part alone. We simply clean the place around it and leave that spot ugly! The poster stands out like a sore thumb and eventually gets removed." What a great way to make a difference. Not only does the street get cleaned up but it adds peaceful vibes to the environment! That is balance!

We can all do this. Speak to one another from a deeper sense of personal peace. Maintain silence within, no matter how noisy it is around. Stop the clutter in the mind. Stay focused on this moment and wholeheartedly do what is at hand now. Small steps that maintain the balance that already is!

Resolution

2012-01-31T23:26:00.000-05:00

I have spent the first month of 2012 retrospecting on my life and ways. There is a lot of good and there is a lot I can do to make it even better. For one I am determined to stay out of conflict. It is draining and counterproductive. Conflicts arise because opinions differ - truth is, opinions are only products of perception. Conflict cannot change perceptions especially when inflated egos are ruling the conversation. When perceptions differ and egos clash blame mongering, hurt and pain can be the only possible results. Negative vibes that this environment is overflowing with anyway do not need my input!

In the last few years ever since being introduced to separating the ego from my True Self I enjoy watching ego trying to overpower Me! It succeeds often but invariably I am able to pull it back and go into my essence and withdraw the little me from the foray! It is also very interesting to compare my egocentric behavior with those of others and be able to relate to where that behavior is coming from and how easily inner peace can be shattered....... or established!

Essence of any kind can be completely covered by the gross but the essence is never lost! When we see through the gross we can invariably find the essence. This is true with taste, smell or any other sense. It is also true with people. When we stop and look beyond the outer appearance whether it be physical appearance, behavior or expressions we can invariably see glimpses of true essence. The challenge lies in finding ones own essence! This requires silencing the mind, which takes effort, time and perseverance but once that can be achieved it is blissful and energizing.

In the last year I have spent very little time meditating and I am in the process of changing that. Worldly tasks no matter how noble disrupt my inner peace and unless I balance it with equal time spent in silence I am not joyful. So 2012 is going to be spent in creating balance. Each morning is now about centering myself and spending time being in touch with Me. Music, meditation, healthy food, early to bed, and a definite separation of the ego from my true Self are all in again! This is going to be the year of True Bliss!

Being the CHANGE

2012-01-24T12:09:00.000-05:00

Bringing about CHANGE is a process that goes beyond simply thinking or talking about it. Change comes about because we DO something to make it happen. The process starts off with thinking and talking about it - but unless action is taken change is not possible. Inaction can be both Satvic and Tamasic. The two inactions are very different in nature. Tamasic inaction comes from procrastination and laziness while Satvic inaction comes from a deep understanding of the so called mysteries of the Universe. This is the inaction that is not defined by 'no work', but by working silently, selflessly and without being attached to the goal. We must assign a goal post that we aim for but we must be flexible enough to recognize that the field of action is much larger than the goal.

I am learning this as I become more enmeshed with The Wisdom (www.thewisdom.in), an organization that is working to bring about change in the conditions of the poor in India. We are a very small organization in terms of the number of active members and yet what we are doing cannot be termed as small. In a country where 25% of people live below the poverty line it is a monumental task to bring even 0.1% of people above that line. It is also time consuming and requires the remaining 75% of Indians to be less self absorbed.

The challenge is not in serving the poor of our country - that is the easy part. The so called 'poor' may be financially so, but their openness to learn and do what it takes to climb up makes them the group with the most potential to enrich our nation. The real challenge is in taking away the fear of poverty from the minds of a large portion of the 75% of us who live above that poverty line. We have chosen to de-sensitize ourselves from the pain and suffering of those less fortunate than us. We do not realize that we are poorer than the poor when we begin to love money and possessions more than we love people! Service towards others opens up a window within us that helps us see beyond this need to possess things and build a large bank account.

As I view pictures of the children of The Opal Project of The Wisdom and see their bright faces and hear first hand accounts from people who have visited them during sessions in class it is well near impossible to say that these children are any different than my own. They portray the same dreams, fears and hopes! They have begun to see life as an opportunity rather than a problem - they have developed the strength to stand up and face challenges and the will to expect better for and of themselves. I realize that this has come about not only because of the class they attend with us - it has come about because through the little we have been able to do for them with the money raised from very generous donors we have succeeded in showing them their own potential and self worth. It has taken compassion and love from those of us who are working directly with them that has opened them up to better know themselves and the power within them. They work hard and diligently through their day to day struggles of being poor and they shine because of this perseverance.

What has been undertaken requires a lot of work and yet I know that underneath the visible work that goes into it is the invisible 'no'work' that is doing it all. The subtle pat on the back, the smile when looking at them, the disciplining when they make a mistake, the enquiry about their family, the handing down a shawl when they are cold - it is these that have made the biggest difference. It is that inherent passion within our founder Sukarna that is responsible for the change that The Wisdom can and will bring about.

Sukarna has a lot of passion and it is this passion that drives her. Passion cannot be tethered easily and so she can appear very aggressive at times. Her passion shows through every aspect of life. She likes with passion - she also dislikes with passion (cooking is an example I think I see of her dislikes!). She probably does not dislike cooking because of cooking itself - she dislikes it because she likes doing other things more and I can relate to that! She has shown me how love and compassion can bring about change and for that I bow down to her. She cries when she sees pain, then wipes her tears and stands tall all ready to assuage that pain. She is incapable of inherent unkindness but dislikes any hint of hypocrisy. Tell her what you feel with truth and she will not hold it against you even if she disagrees with you - but do not tell her one thing and do the opposite then our mother tiger will pounce! The Wisdom is her dream and she has successfully made it mine. I cannot be as passionate as her but I can definitely fan her passion and help the organization grow and flourish. Change is already happening and I can foresee quite a few families soon stepping above that line holding our hands as they do so. As they climb up and out these same families will help raise others in their community do the same and one family at a time we will prosper! That is our goal, but our work in the field is much bigger and an opportunity for us to fulfill our own purpose in life! Those who make the most of this opportunity to help others will be the true winners all around.

As our Republic Day (January 26th) arrives I want to say a heart felt thank you to Sukarna for being the CHANGE! Those of us who are working in close proximity with her can see this diamond in the rough causing kind ripples under the surface and I am certain that one day our dream of seeing India in full glory will become a reality. Our people will become more caring, more compassionate, more giving simply by watching what these qualities can do. More of us need to join in the process of bringing about change not by donating funds alone but by going out into the field and being selflessly caring, compassionate and giving and spreading Satvic Inaction.

Fulfilling a Purpose

2012-01-21T16:32:00.000-05:00

Approximately 25% of people live below the poverty line in India alone. In a country with a population of 1.22 billion it seems like a simple equation where it would take 3 people to help 1 person to bring a semblance of dignity to the 300 million! I am not talking about providing just food and shelter - rather helping provide sound education so they may attempt to be self sufficient. Utopian - maybe but if we aim for perfection maybe we will reach somewhere.

The challenge is in identifying what is needed to help someone living below the poverty line to reach a level of self reliance. It no longer remains just math and numbers then. The human element becomes paramount. There are organizations that arrange a meal for a day during a special occasion or the distribution of blankets or a medical camp for the poor. The intentions may be altruistic - but I wonder if such spurts of charity does much to help in the long run. Yet it may save the life of some who are really in dire straits. I think it is important for organizations to measure the true benefit of such kindness and assess if maybe it would be more effective to spend some percentage of their funds on providing more long term help like education and vocational training along with training on personal and community hygiene.

It begs the question - is there a purpose to charitable work? Is it to feel good about being charitable or is it about making a difference? Of course it is important to help the sick, the hungry, the homeless in their moment of immediate need and this is a very important aspect of charitable work and must be continued but it must be as a complement to other sustainable efforts that will help those who want to step out of this cycle of poverty and be productive, successful citizens of the world. One cannot thwart the other.

There are many of us who are in the field of voluntary service and we all have a vision about why we want to be involved in this work. I am sure that most also have a vision that is larger than a 'feel good' need to serve. We want to make a positive impact on the lives of those we serve. It is not so much about making someone world famous but more about making someone feel good about their life and themselves. That is a great motivation for someone who is afraid to dream and teaches one to open up and begin to imagine good things for oneself.

When we lose sight of the bigger picture and get caught up in the need of the moment, we begin to lose the capacity to make a lasting effect. We bring about a drastic change in the capacity to dream. We make them short sighted and stop them from reaching out to the stars. We limit them to the dream of the light of a street lamp. A bright young man who wants to be an accountant is taught to be satisfied as a cashier. He is told that the faster he goes out there and earns money to feed the family the more he will be valued by his loved ones. In the process we tell him to stop valuing himself! Poverty is a horrible curse and an easy cycle to perpetuate. A major element that nurtures it is lack of self worth. There is no love in stunting the growth of a loved one - only greed. Yes I believe that it requires unconditional love towards a child to encourage that child to grow to his/her full potential. Any parent who is unwilling to give up their life for the betterment of their offspring does not know the meaning of love. If a child has not learnt how to dream or only dreams of being a cashier and becomes one, that is fine. It is not that a cashier is less than an accountant - but for one who wants a career as an accountant in a corporation, a cashiers position in a supermarket is a major let down.

When we undertake education of the poor as our purpose in life and we encounter forces that are bent on thwarting this effort we begin to understand why those living below the poverty line are unable to cross over. The sad part of it all is that those who are thwarting personal growth of our future generation forget the child and hold the condition of family and the community as their justification for doing so. In a culture where thinking about others before thinking about oneself is looked upon as an essential life quality it is easy to see why the child willingly gives in. Unless we teach our next generations to value themselves first it will be well near impossible to bring about a shift in the statistics of poverty in India.

We must stand up for the children! We must teach them to value their dreams and their ideas. We need to teach them to include others in their dream not exclude their dreams for others! We must teach them to stand up for their beliefs, to be strong and courageous and show them how to fulfill their dreams and dream bigger. We have a purpose in life and that purpose is to serve this world so more of us are living courageously, unafraid of evil forces and willing to stand up for right. We must lead by example and unless we stand up and fight for the children of today we will not have fulfilled our purpose.

Spring IS Coming

2012-01-16T10:18:00.000-05:00

By mid January the ground is usually frozen solid and the yards and sidewalks are covered in piles of snow. That is a perfect time to welcome the idea of spring! It helps tide over the rest of winter with hope of the senses being tickled by the sounds, smells and sights of nature literally coming back to life! Mid January 2012 though is proving to be an anomaly in the East Coast of USA!

We had our first snow fall in late October - it was way before time and had devastating effects! The trees were not ready for the onslaught of heavy snow and they came down on power lines and plunged many of us back into a time when electricity was a luxury! We had all our modern appliances and fixtures but nothing worked! Slowly but surely we limped back to normalcy but it appears as if nature felt so guilty about what it did that it decided to keep snow away from us for the remainder of winter!

Here I am sitting in my living room bathed in sunlight pouring in through the windows unobstructed by a snow cloud or any cloud for that matter! The trees left standing have shed their leaves since that snowfall in October but the ground is an unusual color. It should be covered in fresh white and shoveled grey snow and ice, not this almost brownish green grass and clear tarmac road! The high heels, spring jackets and wind cheaters are still the fashion instead of the long down coats, woolen caps and snow boots. How then are we going to transition from winter to spring?

I know how - we will simply go with the flow! Nature knows when to bud and when to blossom and instead of waiting for the month of spring or the week of cherry blossoms we will watch and embrace the sounds of chirping birds, smells of blossoming flowers and refreshed pine; and the sights of colorful flowers and fresh green leaves as they come forth. We have spent our lives depending on the man made clock and the man designed calendar - it is time to let nature guide us now and enjoy every moment for what it is - a beautiful ‘present.’

Tree Teacher

2011-11-04T10:48:00.000-04:00

Nature is instinctive. She knows exactly what is needed for who and when. The first snow storm of this winter season was just another proof of this truth. The snow came on hard for a stretch of over 12 hours. The temperature was not very cold but the volume of the white stuff meant that the snow stuck to whatever it fell on. The roads were salted by the authorities a day in advance, people ensured their groceries were stocked, stores were prepared with extra products. This time around though, the trees were completely unprepared!

I have often wondered why the trees bare themselves before winter while most winter beings try to cover themselves up to stay warm. I have always marveled at the trees all around this wintery land for their resilience in their cycle through the seasons. I have used trees as my example for recovering from hard times and continuing to be, inspite of seasonal extremes. Not once did I think that the shedding of leaves was the basic survival instinct of trees!

The trees shed their leaves so they can live through the onslaught of snowfall. Snow cannot fell trees that have no surface for them to sit on. Branches are rounded and have a much smaller surface area than leaves, pine needles too have a smaller surface area and so unless there is an ice-storm (which changes the dynamics completely) the snow cannot cause trees to break. This last snowfall felled many heavy branches all over the East Coast and with them brought power lines down too. The sheer volume of lines down posed a challenge to power suppliers and left thousands of homes and some businesses without power for days - some as long as a week. I must congratulate the authorities for keeping their priorities in order and ensuring that hospitals and other essential services were attended to first and also for providing the true picture to their customers about when to expect power. It gave consumers the opportunity to plan their days accordingly.

As I said Nature is instinctive and if we open ourselves to our basic instincts and stop over analyzing the messages we get from our body, mind and soul this world would be a much more peaceful, joyful, fearless place to live in.

Goodness

2011-08-23T08:41:00.002-04:00

I hear a lot of rhetoric about negative feelings like anger, jealousy, selfishness and many more. These are usually either directed at others or are commentaries about what gurus may have written about these. I explore these negative feelings within me to see how I display, use or curb them.

I have lived a life where approval has been important. For years wanting to be liked made me careful about the persona I projected. Now I realize that being liked is unimportant to me. It is not a reflection of who I am or what I say or do. Being liked is completely dependent on the perspective of the other person - something out of my control. This realization helped me understand that being kind, generous, compassionate, trusting, trustworthy, honest, loving were essential for my own wellbeing. These qualities kept me happy and peaceful. What the other person says or does; how he behaves; what his motives are do not matter. What matters is that I continue to be kind and loving towards all. If in the process some consider me to be naive or stupid that makes no difference to me. I continue living my life being a good person. Does this mean that I will be misunderstood? Of course it does - by those who sit in judgment of me. That is their problem not mine and so I do not let that hamper my way of life.

I have learnt that there are many who will attempt to take advantage of my kindness - that is human nature. I have learnt to ‘hiss and not bite.’ It is possible to hiss with kindness too. You see when people think of you as a good person, albeit a foolish good person, they back off when they hear you hiss. For some reason it is important for the apparently most evil to be well thought of by even the apparently good person. Goodness is an inherent human quality that expresses in the right environment and is easily hidden and often forgotten in environments that are conducive to bringing out evil. In such environments it takes effort to stay true to goodness.

I harness the goodness in me. When I feel a negative feeling rise I choose not to display it but rather to use it to recognize the weakness within me that pushed it to the surface. When someone lies I let them know that it is unacceptable not by pointing out that they lied but rather by prompting the truth. Not that the other person then speaks the truth but I give them the chance to do so if they wish. I am not here to change the world - not even to change one other person. I am here to work at bringing out the inherent God within me. I must provide a pristinely clean environment within me for It to express Itself. That is my only purpose.

A Cleaned Mirror

2011-04-07T11:03:00.000-04:00

I have had friends tell me that being around me brings a sense of calmness and peace within them. Then there are some who are intimidated by my presence and would rather not be around me. Maybe I only reflect what is within those around me.

Some who had placed me on a pedestal have since dropped me from it and I can see the reason why. My actions and words reflect my recognition of their deceptions and that was hard for them to accept. I forgive them for betraying my trust but choose to be more careful with them. They are uncomfortable speaking to me even though we are miles apart and yet I take a keen interest in their wellbeing.

Thinking back to my younger days I can appreciate this refusal to acknowledge wrong doing but I know now that any mistakes made in life must be acknowledged to ensure that such errors not be made again. Continuing to defend a wrong leads to the perpetration of more wrong doing. The only way to break that cycle is to acknowledge and admit the error so as to change direction, learn and move towards better choices. Life has taught me this lesson and I know that such learning cannot come without personal life experiences that help clean the mirror of the soul - the ego.

Giving others a second chance is an extension to forgiveness but it is equally important to act with caution so that similar indiscretions cannot have adverse effects. For example helping someone with fees to attend school only to find out that the money was used for something trivial instead requires that I be careful about giving more money to this person - but that need not stop me from being their mentor and well wisher, neither does it need me to stop helping another deserving person with money for school fees.

There is a God within me. He is not a silent witness to my thoughts and actions as I believed for a long time. He speaks through my conscience - it is for me to listen to this voice and direct my life decisions accordingly. It is for me to acknowledge my own errors and those of others. It is for me to forgive myself and others without making excuses or overlooking the wrong that was done. It means accepting it happened and moving forward with caution.

Generosity Appreciated

2011-03-30T12:03:00.001-04:00

The trip to India had many highlights - each could develop into an article for this blog. The one that is most positively significant is the fruition of my association with The Wisdom in Kolkata. So I choose to pen this down first.

Like quite a few great friends - all like minded women who have impacted my life greatly, I met Sukarna on the web. At first I was not quite sure who this lady was. She and I were both followers of facebook pages for Paramhansa Ramakrishna, Saradama and Swami Vivekananda. We commented on these pages and sometimes acknowledged each others comments. I searched for her on facebook and found no further details. Over time though, she populated her personal profile and I learnt more about her. We come from different professional backgrounds, live in different countries, were raised in different cities so other than the fact that we speak the same languages and love and worship the Holy Trio there was little we had in common - or so I thought. As a matter of fact I even found some of her comments on facebook a little off the path from my own. In short I was not quite sure that she and I would be anything more than facebook acquaintances.

A few months into this I decided to de-activate my facebook account as nothing constructive was coming out of this experience. Within a week I received an e-mail from Sukarna asking if all was well and expressing her concern for me. I was touched by this selfless concern from a web 'acquaintance.' She and the administrator of the Holy Trio pages had noticed my absence from the pages, had searched for me on facebook, found no signs of me there and had taken it upon themselves to check in on me. That showed me an aspect of Sukarna that made me want to know her more.

Sukarna then sent me an e-mail suggesting I look into a website (www.thewisdom.in) that described the workings of a Non Government Organization (NGO) that she had decided to start up. I visited the site and sent out a one line response congratulating her on her noble efforts and asking if I could help in anyway. Sukarna's response was effusive yet simple - "become a member."

Education has been a major interest of mine for many years now. I was raised by a father who emphasized that only through sound education would I find true success in life. He drilled into me that to experience true joy inner beauty was more important than the physical outward one. I do not claim to have appreciated this as a child but over the years I have discovered that my father was almost 100 percent right. The outward is important for first impressions but it loses value over time and what is inside becomes paramount. This inner knowing finds expression through sound education - where education is not about books, classes and degrees alone. Education goes deeper than that - into character building, learning to respect, being compassionate, being fearless, being discerning and being good. I have in small ways tried to contribute to educating those less fortunate, so when this invitation to become a member of The Wisdom that emphasizes education came along I saw it as a sign from God.

I had hundreds of questions about this endeavor and was a pest to Sukarna and her husband Alip. I bombarded them with questions via e-mail, over the phone, on e-chat, and on Skype so I understood the intent, the objectives, the workings, the pitfalls, the commitment and the effort required to run an organization like this one. Some of my questions were completely off the mark and made it clear that I knew very little about NGO's in India. I did a lot of reading about NGOs, education systems, West Bengal government policies and so much more so I could be a knowledgable and contributing member of the organization.

Before I left for India in January 2011 Sukarna and I moved from being web acquaintances to long distance friends. I grew to love and respect her and recognized how compassionate and passionate she is about education in general and about the underprivileged in particular. Meeting her for the first time in Kolkata in early February 2011 was a confirmation of what I had envisioned her as. Sukarna is about loving, giving, nurturing and smiling all done with complete humility. My only concern is that she will take on more than she can chew and I keep reminding her to take good care of herself.

Sukarna's qualities of loving, giving, nurturing and humility reflect beautifully in the workings of The Wisdom. At our first meeting held at her home in Kolkata I had the good fortune of meeting Sukarna and her immediate family (mother, husband and son) and Dr Mishra (from Bhubaneshwar) for the first time. The Wisdom is really Sukarna's dream but she opened it up for us to walk into and help develop so we felt like it was our baby. That takes a big heart - and Sukarna demonstrated she has one. Dr. Mishra comes from the education field and is extremely valuable to the fulfillment of the objectives of The Wisdom. He too is a giver. He inundated us with ideas and his knowledge about the administrative aspects of running an organization transparently and effectively gave us a major boost in being able to get the ball rolling. It was as if the stars were all in perfect position for The Wisdom to take form.

Without giving special mention to my friends and family for their financial and moral support I cannot move on through this word journey. None of the donors asked for any details or proof or results before they generously gave me money for this endeavor. We thought we would first need to run income generating programs to raise the funds to start classes for the children we needed to cater to. It feels great to say we started our first classes in Garia in the 1st week of March thanks greatly to the trust, faith and selfless generosity of friends and family. We are continuing to work so we can become a self-sustainable organization that does not need to depend on donations alone - but this first boost from generous donations has gone a long way to give us the impetus to start.

The classes are proving to be a huge success with the children and their parents. It is so heartening to hear about the events of the classes from Sukarna who teaches the children herself. The students hail from Class 6 to Class 10. They arrive an hour before starting time and are disappointed when class is done. They want to learn more and are voraciously taking in everything that is being taught. Sukarna is teaching them to read and write English but more importantly teaching them how to be kind and respectful towards one another. A snack is provided to them at the beginning of class which the children seem less interested in than the books, pencils and erasers that have been provided to them. They come prepared with questions and complete all tasks given to them.

Many of the students travel by public transport to get to the class. Some are accompanied by a parent. So far we have 28 children attending regularly and more are wanting to come on board everyday. Parents of younger children are requesting us to help their children too. There is a sense of euphoria that I can hear in Sukarna's voice when she talks about parents who are excited their children are getting an opportunity to learn in an environment that makes them feel loved. The videos of the children introducing themselves is interesting to watch too. There they are - many probably for the first time ever - being given an opportunity to introduce themselves as a person rather than as part of a poverty stricken mass!

The Wisdom was started as we felt the need to give the next generation of the marginalized society a fighting chance in this dog-eat-dog world. The Wisdom will succeed because these children are saying loudly and clearly that given the opportunity they can succeed and make our world a better place. With a combination like that bundled with the infinite Grace of God and the generosity of all, the future generations will make this world beautiful.

Please do pray for the children and check us out at www.thewisdom.in - any questions or if you would like to help in anyway our contact information is available on the site.

Eureka!!!

2011-01-26T08:11:00.000-05:00

My blood is sweet! I am sweet through and through.

I have been under a homeopath friend for a few months now. She very kindly offered to treat me and I took her up on it. Very few patients can fathom the workings of deep acting homeopathic remedies that may be prescribed a couple of times over the length of treatment. Fortunately for me being a homeopath and understanding the Hahnemannian (my word) philosophy I can see the changes it is bringing on me.

I was given a single dose of a remedy one morning. That day I took a major tumble! All morning I kept having a premonition of falling and when I eventually did, it was a relief. I had bruises, aches and pains for a few days but God bless Arnica and I was back on my feet soon. Being as heavy as I am and seeing how awkwardly I fell it could have been a lot worse.

The next couple of weeks seemed uneventful but soon I felt upset, depressed, sad and was wallowing in self pity. "Poor me. No one cared for me. I am a giver who gets nothing in return...." I love to care for people. It makes me feel good about myself. I am always trying to be a better person and what better way than to be a do-gooder? I of course took it too far outward. I forgot to care for myself. At first all this awareness was painful and it made me wish it had not come upon me - but now I feel freer, lighter and clearer. It feels good to care for myself - to do what I want without feeling guilty or embarrassed or ashamed. I answer to no one but my Self.

That took a couple of weeks of processing and getting back to being my happy self again. I am more aware of myself. The diabetes that has overwhelmed my body comes from a deep seat in my mind. My desperate need to be sweet. To be liked seemed my purpose for most of my life. I was nice, sweet, kind, compassionate not to benefit you but for you to like me. That need to be sweet took over first my mind and then my body. I must get rid of it from my mind for it to leave my body. That is exactly what I plan to do.

I am a perfect human being. I am a kind, compassionate, giving, bright, spiritual light that is in this Universe to serve Its need whichever way It needs to use me. I am also here to receive Grace in whatever form I get. I now get pleasure from being good, honest, compassionate, forgiving, loving, helpful towards myself and others. It is not because you need me but because I enjoy being there for you. If you tell me to leave you alone I will do so with a smile - this is not about you! So I continue to 'do' what I always did - I just do it without a predicate attached to it.

This is liberating and as I write this I can feel my blood clearing up. I am definitely on my way to recovery - insulin and all will soon belong to the past. I can feel it. Thank you Lori for taking me on and helping me not just with the prescription but for listening to me express what my mind and body are constantly whispering to me. I know many of you reading this do not see the homeopathic connection here - but those of you who know better do see it, right?

Fulfilling needs.

2011-01-09T10:57:00.000-05:00

Coming into this world automatically places us in relationships. Dependency becomes part of life and taking lessons from society we begin to enhance dependencies. Life circumstances make us dependent on some and dependable for others.

As we enter the spiritual realm we aim to be self-sufficient. We derive joy within ourself. Pain and misery come from our relationships with others. There is very little room for suffering when one is complete in oneself. I think it is impossible to serve others selflessly unless one is fulfilled within.

Attachment is the inability to be self sufficient. I find that giving of myself to others is very fulfilling but there is an expectation that I will be replenished by something or someone else. Self care is not my forte. I am more comfortable caring for the needs of others, helping heal the wounds of those around me. I have not tended to my wounds, have not acknowledged my needs. It is small wonder then that no one tends to me. There are many ready to point out what requires my attention - my blood sugar, my weight, an untidy desk, an unmade bed - as if I am neither grown up nor intelligent enough to know this.

I was advised to start my day by journaling my needs. I sat fingers poised on my keyboard and till noon my screen was blank. This is unusual - even when I have bouts of writers block I can fill a screen in a few minutes. I have no needs - my needs are all reflections of what my family and friends need. I would rather do without so you can have it all. No matter what I am doing I will make time for you. Your phone call, your problem, your sorrow, your pain, your joy, your story will always supersede mine.

I have prided myself on being extremely adjustable to my circumstances. No matter which direction the curve ball comes from I smile, face it, and lead others through the ordeal. Any personal challenge and I go the distance alone. I now recognize that this does not come from a space of fulfillment but from some other place within me. I do not question the pleasure I get in serving the needs of others but I wonder why I have never tried to fulfill my own. Another journey inwards through the maze that brings me closer to Me.

Degrees of truth!

2011-01-06T23:58:00.000-05:00

For many years I believed that telling the truth was essential but may not always be possible. There are times when speaking the truth when weighed against its effect make it necessary to lie! That should be okay - or should it?

Is there place for half truths or even maybe avoiding the truth with the intent to mislead? There is a saying in Sanskrit that says - "Speak kind words, speak the truth - do not utter unkind truths." I took this to mean that it was better to lie than to speak an unkind truth. Now I know it means - always speak the truth but be kind with your words. There is no place for lies in a pure heart. Untruths sully the heart and take us away from ourself. With every truth we utter a veil is removed and we get closer to our inner being.

There is no degree of truth. Either one speaks the truth or one is a liar. There is no grey area in this realm. Truth releases us from all other forms of deceit. Just as fear and love cannot co-exist so also fear and truth cannot co-exist. Truth opens us up to accept consequences and so bring closure to the cycle of action and reaction. Lies seem to move in a spiral and often the consequence seems far out. Truth on the other hand follows a straight line to the result. The shortest route is that straight line.

Reward and punishment is not in the hands of a super power up above us - it is in our own hands. The truth eventually is revealed no matter how hard we try to cover it up. With every reveal truth makes us stronger. Imagine never having to lie - it means never having to be afraid. Not afraid of being caught, of having to defend, of having to cover up, of losing self respect and self worth.

Truth has been under-rated for a long time. It is the essential key to a pure life. May truth be victorious again.

Grace for my Uncle

2010-11-07T22:45:00.000-05:00

Saturday morning started off with sad news. My only surviving Maternal Uncle had passed away. It was the day after the Festival of Lights - and it brought back memories of a day 35 years ago. That too was the day after the Festival of Lights and about the same time that my father had passed away.

My uncle was a fun loving young at heart man all his life. All of us loved him dearly. Our children loved him just as much. He made every one he met feel special. He was genuinely interested in what each of us was doing, in our interests, in our family, in our city, in our relationships and in everything that made us feel important. I am not sure how he did it but he made everyone feel that their life was an amazing one. He never seemed old in his dealings with us even if he could not quite remember our birthday or when we last met. He invariably remembered what we had been passionate about the last time we had spent time together. Even in his eighties he put many of us to shame about everything and everyone he was in touch with.

Loving Chhoto Mama was easy. He was there if and when we needed and wanted him without ever interfering in our life. He was there to encourage us even when we were doubtful about things. He never hesitated to voice his opinions about things but he loved us even if we disagreed with him. He just made his displeasure clear and moved right on loving you. How can you not love someone like that? He was a good sport. If you wanted to party he was right there partying with you. Dinner, drinks, dance, games, jokes, stories - he participated in everything. We needed his advice on something and he would listen and put things in perspective - we came out clear headed and feeling like we had made a decision on our own. How can you not feel good being around someone like that?

It definitely helped that his life partner my dearest Aunt is such a warm and loving soul herself. She made it possible for him to continue being who he was. She was there by his side always - taking care of him, being his better half and loving us just as much. I hope we can be there for her as much as she has been there for all of us. She was a pillar of strength for me when my father passed away. Having her in the house and seeing her confident, smiling, caring, warm person there was my soft spot at eighteen. She has always had a very special spot in my heart and I smile everytime I think of her. I know she is there for me no matter what. I love her dearly.

As for my sisters - they mean the world to me. Both of them are chips of the same block. Loving, caring, warm and beautiful. I reach my hand out and there they are. I feel blessed to have them as sisters. I wish Mami, Bubu and Bonu the very best and know that Mama is looking down at us all with pride and joy no matter where we all are. He personified unconditional love and his soul will always be amongst us. Death must come for each of us - but it is a small moment and so I want to put death aside and truly celebrate Mama's life. I want to feel his soul, his love, his warmth and his magnanimity and I want to keep smiling. God graced us with this wonderful soul and I thank God for blessing us so.

35 long years

2010-11-03T00:01:00.002-04:00

Thirty five years ago today my father left his body and seemed to leave us behind. It was a very sad day for me. I was 18 and I had lost my guide, hero and best friend. It took me a while to acknowledge that because the first thought was not about my loss - it was more about relief. I write it right. I was relieved that I would no longer have to worry about my dearest father dying. His dying had been my worst nightmare for many years before the actual event. I am not sure now what I was really afraid of - if it was what the future would hold without him or if it was the moment of his passing. I still cannot put my finger on it but it did not take long for the fear to be overpowered by the grief. Thankfully though, the grief did not last too long as it was soon replaced by all the wonderful memories of some great little moments that I had the good fortune of having with my dearest Dad for the last ten years of his time with us.

Today I recognize that Dad left his body but has been with us all through these years and will continue to be with us for as long as we are and then some. The mark he left on my life has carried me through just as much as the mark left by my mother, my late sister, my brother, my spiritual teacher, my husband, my children, the rest of my family, friends and those who I have had the privilege of ever associating with. Each soul has touched mine and made an impact that has either taught me something, given me something, or added to my growth. The first person who I must acknowledge for all I do is definitely my dearest father. He was a simple man with a lot of depth. He did whatever he undertook with so much love and care that the result just had to be appreciated no matter what it appeared to be. I remember Dad making a large pot of guava jelly once and I am not quite sure what happened but instead of the clear jelly that should have been the final product it turned out to be murky. I felt so sad. He had put so much effort and care into the entire process. I refused to eat anything over my toast till that jelly was done a few weeks later! I do not remember the taste but I do remember Dad beaming every time he saw me eating the jelly. That was all that mattered to me.

Dad taught me that it was okay to be indifferent but never to be unkind. He had had a challenging childhood with a wicked step mother but never once did I hear him curse or be rude to or about her. He simply refused to talk about her with us. Clearly it was a very painful subject for him. Instead he talked to me about the love he was showered with by the rest of his extended family and his beloved cousins became family. They loved him just as much as he loved them and to this date I am so glad that they made up for all the pain that he had ever suffered.

My father was by no means a perfect man but he expressed his perfect soul through his kindness, love, assertiveness, disciplined life style, morality, honesty and integrity. He is my hero and will always be that. He is my best friend and nothing can ever change that. He is my guide and even today I judge a lot of what I do based on how Dad would have judged my actions. He has never ever let me down and am certain he is proud of his little girl.

I love you Baba and always will. The beautiful memories you have made for me keep me smiling. Thank you for being you and for being my wonderful Baba.

Identity Crisis - Resolved

2010-10-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

Life is complicated. Joyful one day, miserable the next, jubilant today, despondent tomorrow. Unpredictability makes life stressful and challenging. I was hired at a great company today and so I am on top of the world. My boss is a tyrant so I am in the doldrums. I found out I am pregnant and nothing could take this joy away from me ever, but the morning sickness the next day makes me wish I did not have to go through with pregnancy to have my own child. My teacher praised my essay but my classmates left my name out of the class project that was presented in assembly.

Well of course we are on a roller coaster ride - life is not fair. Things done with the best of intentions backfire. Good things happen to bad people and terrible times befall good people. That is what life is about. The world will go on its way, independent of me. The wise understand this and move on without it affecting their emotional stability. Many of us do not understand this concept. We identify ourselves with our relationships, worldly possessions, body, mind, work, position and everything external to us. When these change our state of mind changes. That is what stress is all about.

Relationships which carry the weight of dependence often become unbalanced. One dominates the other. Control issues arise. So it is with life. When we identify more with one of our roles it dominates over the others. This is visible in mothers with careers. The struggle of living upto both roles tells on her health, her family, her emotions and wreaks havoc in her own life and in those who are around her. If she loses her job or her child goes wayward she is devastated and overcome by guilt or anger. She has lost herself in her child and in her career.

It is for us to recognize that life is not about what we do but about who we are. The roles we play in life are what we do to survive and enjoy as a species. Who we are as individuals is what defines each of us and this world. Our identity is the one that is changeless. It is the base on which we carry out our various roles in life. It defines what we do, how we think and builds our character. It is our core and we must look within ourselves to get in touch with it. It does not need a name. It is that feeling of love or guilt or joy or pride that wells over as we go about doing things. It is that feeling that guides us to do what feels right and good and makes us think twice about doing what is wrong and evil. It is not the doer it is the witnesser of everything we do. No - it does not sit above us in heaven and reward us for the good and punish us for the bad; it is our conscience at its purest.

How does knowing this help us relieve stress? For one the bar of good and right changes. The good things that we saw happening to bad people are no longer the good we are looking for. The belief that the honest get nowhere looks hollow and laughable. Honesty, truth and integrity become the qualities that guide life. Secondly we are no longer perturbed by the ups, downs and curves that we are faced with. We begin to recognize that every challenge has a solution and that we will pass through every situation and move on. Nothing is here to stay not the good, bad, right, wrong, painful, joyful or any other situation. Our state of mind guides us through various emotions and we can choose to keep the unpleasant emotions out of our life. Knowing who I am helps me understand who everyone else is too. What I do is not a reflection of who I am unless I am God-centered. Being centered in myself guides me to do what is moral. My true self never misguides me. This is the identity that I must hold on to. When I let my ego self rule me I stress myself out. It is not that my ego self always makes me do wrong - it too guides me to do right but for the wrong reasons. Self absorption is the motive of the ego and selflessness is the basis on which the spirit works through me.

A selfless life is a stress free life. It is the ego that is misguided and is always looking out for itself. Even service and charity can be done with a self serving interest. I serve you because you need my service. I am therefore better than you, more blessed than you, superior to you. Selfless service and charity is done because you are blessing me with the opportunity to do good work. I am grateful for this opportunity to serve. This attitude lets us work with no expectation of return for you or for me. We are in this together and as one. Work undertaken with this attitude is not about the hours or the pay it is about doing a good job - how then can it cause stress? I do my very best knowing that the results are not guaranteed. If the results are good that is my bonus - if it is bad no harm done I move on.

I am an individual playing many roles. I am not the roles. I am in each role. I answer to my name to some, mother to some, sister to some others, aunt to still more - but through it all I am the same individual. Who people see me as is my outer surface, and this changes all the time. The changeless me has and will always remain the same. Since I identify only with the inner me I project myself evenly through every role I play. I am an honest, loving, compassionate, person who lives with integrity. I choose not to judge anyone because I know that what I see them as is one of their many roles. The only truth about them is that they have a changeless identity that is no different than mine.

What keeps me true to myself is my knowing that I have the potential to be perfect in every role I play. I live a moral, honest, giving, receiving, joyful, guilt free, stress free life. Every skill I have learnt is of the same essence. I am stable in the belief that my purpose is to identify, acknowledge and express my inner being through every role I am destined to play. The world is not mine to dictate to but neither am I of the world to be dictated by it. The changeless me does not let me compromise with my values even if my ego pushes me to. My ego belongs to me and is my tool to survive. I am master of my mind and I choose to entertain only those thoughts that expand and take me Godward.

Spirituality is the basis upon which life can be lived - by conscious choice. Being a selfless person who thinks about the good of all including oneself is what spiritual living is about. There need be no gap. I am clear about my true identity and understand that name, relationship, position, address, career and everything else is my opportunity to live and enjoy the material world which was here before me and will continue to be after I leave it.

Liberation of the Soul

2010-10-16T12:01:00.000-04:00

The concept of the Soul being Liberated suggests that it can be bound. The Soul is infinite and limitless and so cannot be restricted. Clearly there is a deeper meaning to the phrase Liberation of the Soul. To get to the meaning I need to know who I am and what the Soul is.

I - meaning my body, mind and intellect - am a micro manifestation of the infinite Soul. This materialization is limited in time and space and is both surrounded by and in association with other finite manifestations of the same Spirit. The Soul can shine through brighter in some beings than in others. This in the case of people can be seen as levels of beauty or strength in the realm of the body; sharpness of intelligence; purity of mind and so on. These manifestations can be honed and enhanced if the individual so desires. The mind has a limited capacity to comprehend the depth of the Soul. The intellect may understand it through analysis and wisdom but the mind has the capacity to experience its presence at a level that is beyond the comprehension of the intellect. Even still the mind is limited and so experiencing the infinite Soul is a monumental task if at all possible. There is a state that goes beyond the mind that is the experience itself.

A mind that is forever expanding by reflection on 'good' thoughts like kindness, compassion, forgiveness, love, generosity, gratefulness, and so on is most conducive to take one into the experience of the infinite soul. Contemplation and meditation are tools to help us silence the mind for short periods so we can integrate our thoughts and actions and bring them on the path to expansion. Silencing the mind and staying in the silence may be a good way for recluses and monks but for those of us who live in the social world of family, friends and work we have to step out of the silence and yet keep the mind forever expanding. This is what keeps us on the path that opens the doorway to the experience of the Spirit.

We experience the Spirit sometimes - when we are inspired. I am not certain how one expresses the experience - yet almost every one of us has been inspired at least once in our lives. The results of these moments are usually heroic or miraculous or phenomenally successful and seem to touch not only the experiencer but also those around them. The source of inspiration is hard to divine even if we are told that it is the Soul, or God, or Spirit, or Universe, or Oneness, or Love or..... We may be able to give it a name but can we really convey what it is? One must experience it and acknowledge the experience to fathom it.

The spirit can also be experienced when we love or when we feel loved unconditionally. There is a sense of being engulfed by an emotion that is very fulfilling. When we serve others not because they need us or because we need or want to but simply because we are there and we expect no rewards or name for it we are in touch with the Spirit. The smile that comes to our eyes when we see a baby or a cuddly animal; when we hear the sound of naturally flowing water in the distance and feel a sense of calm, we have acknowledged the Spirit.

To open ourselves to these experiences needs us to stay aware of ourselves as deeper than the body, mind and intellect. When we live consciously, with purpose and integrity we keep ourselves open. When we lose this consciousness and become engulfed in separateness, selfishness and fear we break away from acknowledging the presence of the Soul. The Soul is always there as the witness but requires our attention to be witnessed. The Soul and I are one and this acknowledgement is possible only when I lose my sense of separation from It and so from everything around me. Everyone, everything is the manifestation of the same Soul. The Soul is the equalizer and our ego identity is what separates us from each other and from the Soul.

Liberating the Soul is a misconception and yet is the only way to express what our true purpose in this world is. Since I and Soul are one, liberation is about my ego self merging into my source. Once that happens the ego self - body, mind and intellect - is seen as the illusion it really is. All manifestations are for the ego to eventually go beyond illusion and liberate itself by merging into the Real.

We can be in the world and be 'liberated Souls' at the same time. To recognize that this world is the illusion of our own making and so unreal, impermanent and incapable of providing bliss keeps us liberated. All work must be service towards all and not only self serving. All love must be unconditional and equal. Kindness, compassion, forgiveness must be consciously practiced. That is the way to go inwards while living out here. There is no sacrifice here, for when we live a clean, pure, loving life we create bliss for others and ourselves. We become the liberated, the equalized, the Soul. We know who we are.

Abundance - spiritual definition

2010-09-04T07:59:00.002-04:00

When I hear the word 'abundance' it brings the vision of plenty. Lots and lots of money, large home, beautiful cars - things. In reality though Abundance is about the sense of satisfaction that comes from what we do have. For some this satisfaction may come from what they already have and for others it may never be attainable. Abundance is a state of mind. The more we choose to be satisfied the less things we need. It is not things and money rather it is our personal sense of gratitude and generosity that brings us a sense of abundance.

This is very similar to the idea of faith. One has faith on ones Spiritual Teacher and God. This is not about the ritualistic prayers offered to them or chanting their name. It is more about the strength this faith gives us in ourself. It is said that with faith one can walk over the ocean. The Guru or God Incarnate does not help us walk over water physically - one can do it because one has put complete faith that they can - whatever the reason. It is a state of mind.

So also with abundance. The more satisfied and grateful we are for what we have the more abundant we feel, the more abundant we become. No thing can ever make us feel abundant - things make us feel proud and give us a sense of achievement that lasts for a short time. Someone else always has more or something different and we now want that. Striving to have things and keep them takes away from the enjoyment of the journey to get them and also takes away from the joy once we do possess them. It is good to work towards a goal knowing that there is a chance that we will achieve great things - but it is important that we put our complete attention to the task at hand rather than on the expectation of results and enjoy doing it to its fullest. The result is then a lot more satisfying and lasting.

People who do what they love never tire. They are always energetic, achieve more and are happier. They are not working at all - they are simply living life to its full potential and having fun in the bargain. What others refer to as work is really play for them. Watch scientists, artists and writers who have passion for their art and enjoy every moment they spend on it. Success and joy seems to cling to them. People in the same profession who work to earn name, fame and money seem to struggle with life inspite of achieving their goals. They need the help of drugs, alcohol and other agents to keep them going - they are miserable and depressed and are looking for joy elsewhere.

No matter what we are seeking in life, it is all a state of mind. Things, people, relationships are not what life is about. Life is about knowing oneself. Life is about feeling Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness first and then developing relationships and working and living in the world. We tend to go about it in the opposite direction. No matter how long we live and how many relationships and friends we have and how much money we make unless we are loving, peaceful, giving, caring and inclusive we cannot feel joyful, happy and abundant.

Kandhamal-a symptom of a larger ill.

2010-08-31T09:32:00.002-04:00

I was not aware of the atrocities of Kandhamal (Orissa, India) till my school friend mentioned she was on her way to a tribunal to speak about the plight of the women there. Being the voracious reader I am and being privileged enough to have the time and the resource available to surf the net I began reading about it. I sit here in my beautiful home ten thousand miles away and complain about the heat wave that raises my electricity bill while thousands of men, women and children are living amidst squalor and in fear because they have chosen to execute their right to follow a religion of their choice. They probably do not feel the heat or the cold because they fear for their very life and livelihood. We could blame the local politicians or law enforcement for their continued suffering over two years after the atrocities first took place but are we all not just as culpable?

A few unintelligent hoodlums carried out a horrible act on our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. We learned about it and shook our heads and let it pass us by. A handful of us who care enough took up the cause and went there to help rebuild; others sent money and other essentials and still others took up the fight to higher authorities but still the women who were widowed and raped, the children who were orphaned, the men who were beaten and maimed continue to suffer. The world is thousands thousands times bigger than this small community and because only a few hundred have chosen to help they have not been able to get back a semblance of their dignity.

The world needs to prosper for each of us to be successful in life. These pockets of atrocious events take away from us as a human community just as much as it takes away from each of us as individuals. If each of us was to give one cent of our wealth and one minute of our time each day towards the betterment of each other imagine the force of our endeavor to make our world a better place. The evil acts are succeeding because we are choosing to do nothing good to counter them. Fighting against is never the answer leading to solutions - we need to do more to positively affect change. As a world community not to have been able to build safe homes, rebuild their place of worship, provide education to the children, create work for the people of Kandhamal to get their livelihoods back is shameful. Instead the suffering people are being pressured to change their religion and are being further insulted by others. Our government is providing funds to our neighbors to help them recover from natural disasters while our own nationals are having to beg for their dignity. Where is the balance?

It is not that we do not care - it is that we are too far removed from each other. We have become absorbed in material wellbeing and have chosen to forget that we are all brothers and sisters from one Source. We stand on our golden pulpit and declare there is only one God and are proud to be monotheists but refuse to acknowledge 'your God' because you chose to give Him a different name. This is not about religion it is about humanity. It is about love and compassion and knowledge. It is about each of us looking within our very beings and then looking at the misery out there and taking ownership. We cannot cocoon ourselves and wait for others to stand beside the downtrodden. It is not for us to judge and take sides. This is the time for us to lend a hand so everyone of us can live with our heads held high. What use is knowledge that is not shared with others? What use is money if our parents go hungry? What use is life if my sister is being raped?

Let us open our hearts and look beyond the narrow realm of me, my home, my family, my friends, my work and share our wealth, our knowledge, our strength with our world family and help rebuild Kandhamal even more beautifully than it was before it was raped so future generations can look back and say that our brothers and sisters did not die and suffer in vain. Governments and other institutions can only help so much. It is eventually upto us individuals to turn things around. We cannot wait to see what institutions can and are doing. It is possible for individuals to raise money and give of their time to help rebuild schools, hospitals, wells, and places of worship so the people can get back their dignity and the will to continue living. The government is helping to rebuild their homes but that is only a small part of life. Without education and basic health care generations of people of Kandhamal will continue to be emotionally and intellectually raped.

Kandhamal is only a small portion of a much larger world of suffering. We have to take up these issues and start bringing about a change that affects us all. The yardstick cannot be how much the haves are donating to the have nots. Success must be measured by how many of the have nots are on their way to becoming haves. The need for help is clearly much greater than what is being currently done. Prosperity cannot be measured by individual success - it must be measured by the success of all. Using that criteria we are definitely a poor world. Dignity is the right of all beings and we must consider ourselves privileged when we can share that amongst all our brothers and sisters. When one of us is raped or maimed or killed for any reason we are all being insulted. Punishing the wrongdoers is clearly not the answer because when one is punished ten more seem to be raising their ugly heads. Instead let us concentrate our time and energy on raising the bar of life so each of our sisters everywhere knows that if one man intends to hurt her in anyway there will be ten brothers and sisters protecting her. The only way evil can continue to succeed is if we sit back and do nothing good. Let us give of ourself not because there is misery but because we love one another and want to be successful as the human race. Let us simply raise the bar of goodness and so of human life.

(A small sample of life events in Kandhamal http://ww.telegraphindia.com/1100824/jsp/nation/story_12847233.jsp)

Finding God

2010-08-19T09:45:00.001-04:00

If this world is an illusion - why then as reasonable intelligent beings can we not see beyond it? It is impossible to believe that there is 'nothing' where we can see, smell, hear, feel 'everything' around us. We have been provided with sense organs to experience the world as it is. If this were unreal and Consciousness was the only Reality we would have been provided with the tools to be able to experience the reality. If the purpose of life was to know God then we would have come into this world knowing that and living life accordingly. Something is not right here.

Last night I dreamt I was in a garden with many shrubs and trees. There were many strangers in this garden but as I got close to them they turned into people I have known for years. No one recognized me - they ignored me. Everytime I approached someone they deliberately walked away from me. How rude. It upset me and I felt saddened. I knew they should not be behaving this way but they did anyway. All of a sudden I was awake. Something was not right in my dream.

I went to the temple the other day and picked up a statue for a friend. I did not quite know how to get it to this friend - so I brought the statue home and decided it was upto the statue to get to where it wanted to be. Sure enough the friend called within the week for an unrelated reason that needed we see one another again soon. The arrangement was made by the 'statue.' Something is not right with this story.

I have had many illogical events in my life that have stumped me and made me think 'something is not right.' These may be pleasant or unpleasant. Many a times I think I may have been hallucinating and call these events illusory.

Then it struck me - illusion does not follow logic! The inherent nature of illusion must be that it follows no logical rule. I know for sure that the dream was an illusion. I also know that it was illogical to think that the 'statue' could prompt anything. So what can I make of God? Since the sages have said He is the Omnipresent and since experiencing Him is difficult to explain in words I am choosing to believe that they could be right. There is no logical path that will take me to Him but if I choose to stay true to my conscience and keep getting to understand my own motives and those of others better I can make better life choices. The same tools that help me experience the material manifestations of God will help me experience God too. I enjoy seeing beautiful things so I choose to create beauty through whatever I do. I enjoy hearing beautiful words and melodious music so I choose to bring melody and joy through my own speech. I choose to be compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental and kind simply because these choices bring joy to me. I do not search for God anymore - I choose to acknowledge Him at every moment in everything everywhere.

Illusion of Destiny

2010-08-18T11:11:00.002-04:00

It is said that "Eventually we shape our own destiny." The statement places destiny somewhere in the future. Since time is a figment of my imagination destiny is not in the future. Destiny at most is what life is at this moment. Making the best use of this moment makes me true to my life purpose and so to myself. No one has made my life what it is - it is so, independent of anyone else. I make the conscious choice to be. What is happening around me, with me, to me, because of me is for those unconscious moments when I lose touch with myself. When I am one with myself then I simply am and it is a moment of immeasurable joy.

There can be no projected destiny. There are just present life experiences to enjoy. Any impact I may have had belongs to the world of illusion. I am untouched by it all. When I have let go of the illusion there remains the awareness of a Stillness. From that Stillness arises more experiences - the difference is that the experiences now take on a new meaning. It is as if I am playing a team sport where there are no winners or losers. No one is keeping count of points won. We are all back in our innocent childhood sitting in a large circle passing a colorful ball around and having fun. Having the ball in my hand or in yours has no impact on the fun of the moment. We all know this is just a game for everyone to laugh and applaud through and simply be. When none of us identify success or failure with having possession of the ball, it is a sphere of joy. The moment we bring some rules into the game and change it to a game of passing the parcel things change. The innocence is lost. Everyone is attempting to dispossess the ball. No one wants to be excluded from the fun of belonging in the circle. Then the sense of separateness comes into play. The participants are the same, the ball is the same only the rules changed. The rules do not care whether they are followed or not but we are now slaves to the rules. We cling to the circle and cause others to be flung out of it. We use the rules to differentiate and cause stress and strife. Then the game is over. The rules do not exist but the participants have changed from being innocent children to being winners and losers. We identified ourselves with the ball, the game, the rules and forgot who we really were. We held on to the illusion and let the innocence go. We cannot go back and change the rules of the game. All we can do is remove the veil of the illusion and recognize that the game was not real but we are. The identification, the separateness, the change in behavior was in the moment and then the moment passed. We have the liberty to start a new game with a new sphere of joy and start having fun again in the new moment.

Illusion is the ultimate deception. It makes the non-existent real. The illusion is created by our mind. The mind gives it birth and the mind has the power to annihilate it too. Like a mother though, the mind cannot kill its own creation. The mind will not accept that the illusion is not real. If and when the mind begins to question the validity of its illusions the journey into spirituality begins. The acknowledgment that there is a God may come much earlier. Usually this God is a personal one who exists out there somewhere in the world of illusions. This takes us towards organized religion - we go to places of worship, create spaces like altars in our home, have religious celebrations, follow rituals and convince ourselves that there is a power that is beyond our capacity to fathom. We follow prophets, we read holy books, we acknowledge saints and sages. We explain the unpredictable nature of life and coincidences as the doing of the power who we may or may not call God. We differentiate life events, behavior patterns, even people into categories of good and bad. This is all part of the same illusion. As long as we cannot see beyond this world into the Real we are living an illusory life. We may find joy here but know for sure that misery will follow - the cycle is inevitable. For the illusion to exist there must be two sides to everything. Without a point of reference the world cannot exist. Without silence there can be no sound, without darkness there can be no light, without breathing out we cannot breathe in, without sleep we cannot be awake, without death there can be no birth, without an end there can be no beginning. That is the nature of illusion.

The ancient sages gave the example of a coiled rope that in insufficient light appears to be a snake. Once this illusion takes hold we cannot overcome it without seeing the rope in proper light. The rope here is the Spirit, the snake is the world and the light is enlightenment. Illusion must have a base. It must begin somewhere. What is the base? How did it begin? Where will it end? For end it must. Just as the wave begins and ends in the ocean so also the illusion must end in the Infinite Eternal Spirit. This Spirit or God or Super Power or Universe or Soul is the observer of this illusory world and we all can tap into it and become one with it. In the realm of the spirit there is no duality, no right and wrong, no good and bad, no real and unreal. The spirit simply is. For our senses and our mind that has dwelled in the realm of illusion it is difficult to fathom. As long as we can 'see' the snake in the rope we cannot see the rope. Once we see the rope for what it is though, it cannot cause any disturbance. We can associate with the rope and even laugh at ourselves for thinking it was a snake and move on. The illusion is a manifestation of Spirit. It deserves to be acknowledged and enjoyed keeping in mind that it is transient and a moving target. The manifestation thrives and grows but is limited and so cannot satisfy. The infinite, limitless spirit that we and this world are manifestations of is available for us to know and enjoy limitlessly.

Just as a seeing man cannot fathom the 'light' that the blind man or the 'sound' that a deaf man functions by the worldly man cannot fathom the light or the silence of the Spirit. Simply because ones mind and the senses cannot fathom it does not prove its non-existence. There are many who have experienced it and acknowledge it but cannot describe it because it is an experience at a level that cannot be put into words. The best way to let it be known is through silence, through stillness, through awareness and consciousness. These are elements that defy illusion. How can silence 'say' anything? It cannot - silence can only be just as God can only be.

It is believed that meditation can guide us into the experience of God. In the world of illusions meditation is often difficult. The mind must attain silence to experience God. The illusion of time is the greatest hurdle to meditation. The mind is either wandering away into the past or hurling ahead into the future. It is worrying about things that need to be done after this moment or it is dwelling in memories of times gone by. To stop this process is not easy. We have conditioned our mind to be thinking all the time. We now need to recondition it - not to stop thinking but to think only of the moment at hand. While I am writing if I focus on writing alone I find that the words flow. If instead I start writing a story that I have already thought out, the flow of words seem inhibited. I may have a story in my mind but I must write only in this moment for that story to be told with ease. It is the same with any activity. Being in the moment. So also meditation. Do not stop the mind from thinking just focus your mind on this moment. If I am sitting with my eyes shut then all I am doing is breathing so I bring myself to notice my breath - I may count the breath or just feel it as it passes in or out of me. Over time even this becomes unnecessary.

Meditation is not a moment with eyes shut tight trying to stop the wandering mind from achieving silence. Life is meditation, every thought is meditation, every moment is meditation. The world is a multicolored boundless paradise. Being in the moment is being acutely aware of not being just this body, this mind, this ego-centered person that relates to the rest of the world in a self absorbed way. Being conscious that the physical realm is a manifestation of something that is not tangible but which can be experienced at a much deeper level is what being is about. I have permission to enjoy everything around me without identifying myself with any of it. It is as if I am standing at the edge of the water on a beach. The soft tide brings in a small wave which plays over my bare feet and then it recedes. This tide of possessions, relationships, achievements and experiences are no different. They are here now and then they are gone. Just as the water has been left in the ocean everything will be left behind as I move on.

Who cares what the future holds for me? I did not know a year back what I would be doing today and I do not know now what I will be doing a year later. Let things fall as they will. All I do is live in this moment playing my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, woman, person to the best that I am capable of. I accept every moment as it is for I know that this moment with everything in it will pass whether I think about it or not. Destiny is illusory only this moment is real and I am in this moment.

Friends - Updated (originally posted in October 2009)

2010-08-01T03:38:00.000-04:00

I have been blessed with some wonderful and true friends over the years. There is a depth to our friendship that goes beyond time and space. They are always there for me and everytime we connect it is as if no time has passed and no physical distance was ever there.

I have found that there are some very distinct characteristics to a true friendship. Here they are:

1. There is never any misunderstanding between friends.
This quality comes from
2. A complete acceptance of one another the way each one is.

3. Friends are imperfect human beings who do not need to put on a false appearance between themselves. Imperfections are shown and are accepted. Age, nationality, language, color, interests are immaterial between friends.

4. Friends pick up where they left off as if they have been with each other in the interim. There is very little catching up to do in the realm of the spirit.

5. A friend can tell you what they think about you in any given situation and it is possible to accept the harshest criticism because you just know that your friend speaks from a space of deep connection. No pretenses needed, no secrets needed, never any hard feelings, never any doubts about intentions.

6. Friends love you more when you slip and fall. They laugh and cry with you. They tend to your wounds and hug and kiss you during your tough times. Their presence is felt even from across the oceans.

7. Friendships are made in heaven! I never chose my friends - they came to me as blessings of the Universe.

8. Loving a friend does not need outward expression. Friends love one another unconditionally.

9. A word between friends is sacred. That is the nature of friendship not of people. A friend knows what can and cannot be repeated.

10. A friend never dies. There is an attachment that is so much deeper than the physical presence. This connection cannot be set asunder. It is true friendship that proves the truth in Oneness.

I want to acknowledge my friends for giving me this insight into what relationships are truly about. I have quite a few acknowledgments but the one I must put on the top of my list is my dearest Baba. If not for his passing I would never have recognized the depth of true Oneness of the soul. We are together always. He is my dearest friend - he was in life and continues to be after his passing too.

Padu - you are my most cherished gift. You have shown me my strengths and my weaknesses with so much insight and so much love. We touch each other without ever touching one another! I love you dearly.

Rekha - you are my greatest cheer leader. Your humility, your honesty, your acceptance of me as I am is what I cherish so dearly.

Nina - In spite of your pain you give me so much support. I cannot imagine how you can be so much of a giver while claiming to have so little joy yourself. There is a connection between us that is inexplicable.

Swati - Acceptance - one must learn this from you. We hardly get a chance to talk, or be together or connect in any way - but when I reach out you are always there. Your emails and messages are always perfectly timed!

There are some others who are my great friends and have come into my life and given of themselves unconditionally. They have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today and on top of this list is my dear friend Linda. She is one person who always makes me feel special.

I am blessed with a family who have grown to become my best friends. My brother - our relationship is mostly a silent one. We are both lovers of silence, music and the written word. I learnt the value of writing from him. We spent very little time together even when we were growing up so his letters were my greatest connection to him. He is another cheer leader of mine - silently loud! I love you dearly.

The greatest love of my life - my husband - without whose unswerving support I do not know what kind of a person I would be. No matter what I do, say, or think his acceptance of me is unshakable. We disagree about many things and yet he is there dying to fight my battles and protecting me from the 'evil world.' I am probably his only friend. I love you more than life itself.

As for my two greatest joys - my sons and now my friends. Frank, open, mincing no words, loving me unconditionally. Their love for me is tangible - and not just because I am Mom and they should, but because they are who they are. I can talk to them about anything and I always come out having learnt something new! I have learnt more from my sons than I have from my parents - I take pride in saying so. I love you both very much. Your happiness is my joy. Be happy.

I am left wondering why I am unable to put my Maa on this list. Maybe because we have never really been friends. From her I learnt most of my values. For years she was on a pedestal and over the years her painful life has created a wall around her that is almost tangible. She never gives fully and receives even less. Seeing her as a friend is not possible for me. She is Maa and I love her dearly.

There are many I know with the potential to becoming true friends. As we get to know one another, our love, respect, acceptance will grow. In a few years my list may be longer.

I am also my own true friend. The one I am still discovering.

I end with my greatest friend - Writing.

I love you all dearly - unconditionally.

UPDATE: In the last couple of months I have had the good fortune of reconnecting with my classmates from elementary school and college. The bond between old friends is proof that Oneness is the only Real Truth. The connection is felt not just by the senses but by the depth of our very existence - the intangible yet ever present Soul.

I have also recognized that the friends who may not have been true to me and others to whom I may not have been true myself are just as closely connected to me as the true ones. I am one with them too - they have taught me valuable life lessons and helped me delve deeper into my own Spirit and find God. I will forever be grateful to them and wish them the very best in life.

May you, my friends, always have Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness as your constant companions.

Bliss is here.

2010-07-29T06:21:00.001-04:00

"After every happiness comes misery; they may be far apart or near. The more advanced the soul, the more quickly does one follow the other. What we want is neither happiness nor misery. Both make us forget our true nature; both are chains--one iron, one gold; behind both is the Atman, who knows neither happiness nor misery. These are states, and states must ever change; but the nature of the Atman (Soul, Spirit, Self) is bliss, peace, unchanging. We have not to get it, we have it; only wash away the dross and see it." Swami Vivekananda

Pain and pleasure are not real. This was a very difficult concept for me for many years. I feel pleasure, I feel pain. I cannot accept that they do not exist. No one wants misery but imagine not being happy - but that means being miserable - or a zombie. It took me a long time to understand that having neither misery nor happiness means being stable in mind. It means welcoming both joy and tragedy as passing circumstances. I need to welcome both knowing that these are emotions arising from the external that cannot last. Neither joy nor sadness lasts a lifetime. They pass just as time passes. Circumstances are not responsible for our emotions - our reactions are what causes us to feel. When we are not aware of this we allow memories and past experiences to dictate our full range of emotions - fear, anger, joy, greed, envy, satisfaction and any other you can think of. We forget that every incident will have unique results. Inspite of seeing different consequences we are often blinded by one strong memory and let it dictate our emotional response. It is possible to break this cycle. We can choose to remain in the moment and savor life experiences as unique events that will be enjoyed for themselves. We need to step out of 'instinctive' reactions into 'intuitive' ones. Joy comes from moving out of reactive responses to ones that are inspired by our inner being in the moment.

Harboring strong negative memories causes us to worry, complain and regret. Making a concerted effort at living in the moment changes the direction of our lives. For instance a child raised in poverty can choose to be afraid of lack even as an adult or choose to enjoy everything he does have and be compassionate towards those with less than him. An orphan can choose to be mistrustful of others and to be afraid of abandonment or revel in every relationship he has with the rest of the world. We can choose to be afraid of a broken relationship and remain single or use it as a learning experience and develop a better one. We must come out of the past and be in the present and relish every moment of our life. That defines a stable mind. Joy and misery are not about fate and destiny - they are just the way the world of duality operates and when we recognize this illusion bliss becomes possible.

The more we separate the more miserable we are. Building boundaries and walls and enclosing ourselves within these with the intent to protect what is 'mine' is the cause of strife between peoples. It is also the cause of strife within oneself. Separating Me from God causes innumerable varieties of fear. When I choose to treat my body and mind as the manifestation of the Spirit and identify myself as part of a larger Whole I necessarily become kind, compassionate and loving. My mind and body connect with all around me at a level that goes beyond the tangible differences. I cannot see the similarities but I can feel them. The visible differences then become a palette of colors that bring beauty and wonder to the world of duality. I must acknowledge that there are specific differences that can be identified in the physical realm - but this is something to celebrate and use as a pathway to venerate the capacity of our collective creative Soul. It is the proof that we are all One. We are all born and we all die and at both these moments we have nothing that we can identify with in this world. It is between these two periods in time that we develop an identity that is in reference to what is around us in the realm of tangibles - that is all. We came, we enjoyed and we will leave like guests at a worldwide party in one large open garden. Let us enjoy the party and share in everything there is to enjoy without building walls and causing strife. When it is time to leave, the garden will be left the way we found it when we arrived so those coming after us can enjoy its beauty too.

I want neither joy nor misery for it is not mine to have - they are just borrowed emotions that I let bathe my soul for a moment and then I let the same moment pat me dry so I can be in Bliss.

Fear of Death - transformed.

2010-07-21T22:13:00.001-04:00

In the world but not of it. That was difficult. To have a family and a society, to provide for oneself and the family, to be safe and healthy one must be involved in the matters of the world. To be successful in the world required me to be part of it. Seems I had misinterpreted the meaning of success. Accomplishing a goal or purpose defines success. I had intertwined success with name and fame and also with pre-determined standards set by others. When I set myself up in competition with others I became part of the world. This wanting to be better than someone else pulled me in and I lost my uniqueness and so my own identity. Competition with myself - doing the best that I am capable of keeps me in the world and keeps me within myself. It helps me to go deeper into my infinite wisdom and get in touch with the Universe at large without becoming a slave to the world outside.

The moment this wisdom became apparent the world became a fun place. I have no control over outside circumstances. People will choose their ways, the environment around me will change, my life will continue on with or without me anticipating or worrying about it all. I am better off spending my time understanding my own potential. Gathering worldly knowledge and understanding its ways is for information purposes only. It is so I can be in the world. The more I know about the world the more I know Me. The more I know Me the more unaffected I am by the world.

I have heard that if one knows the date of their death their view of life changes. That got me thinking. I have been exposed to death of loved ones and I know what it does to those left behind but I have never thought of death from the perspective of the one facing it. I know with absolute certainty that I will die - but I have not given that eventuality any thought except to pay for life insurance. I was afraid of death. There is no way for me to escape my demise. I know everyone will die - there is no way to escape that either. So I must face death fearlessly. Death felt like loss of the identity that I present to the world. The reflected little self that was in competition with others. Time is important in the competing world. How soon can I achieve success and how much can I attain in my lifetime - these are the bars by which I judged my success. There is another fear associated with death. The fear of not knowing what comes after death. People who have had near death experiences refer to a brilliant white light - the scientists explain it away as a misfiring brain stimulus or something. So I really was uncertain about what happens after death. What I have seen is the body going into rigor mortis and people getting rid of it. They do it with a lot of reverence but - it still is just discarding it, getting it out of the way. The end. The realization that death is a transition just like birth, childhood, adolescence, youth, adulthood and all phases before and after, changed the fear to excitement. Since all the other transitions were so joyful then this transition must be fun too. And if death is followed by birth and if I can live better in the new birth by simply doing good in this one then let me do a ton of good and enjoy myself now and later. I no longer worry about what is awaiting me tomorrow and who is doing what when. I live my life from moment to moment - gathering knowledge, having fun, being kind, compassionate and loving and just being.

In my childhood I did not know what was in store for me as an adult - but I wanted to grow up. I saw adults around me and their life seemed good - so I wanted that. Life has not been all fun - because I chose not to enjoy every experience. No experience was responsible for me feeling pain or joy. It was my attitude that determined the emotion. All my experiences were due to a combination of many factors. Some I was responsible for, some others were responsible for and still others were unknown and often unfathomable. My reaction to each of these experiences though were completely mine. When I opened myself to this fact - I became more conscious of myself. I learnt that living vigilantly aware of myself was the only determinant of my joy. I now find joy in every experience.

How do I find joy in the death of a loved one? Do I not feel grief? Of course I do - but I do not wallow in the grief. I think of the good memories that this person created for me. I celebrate the good fortune of touching this soul and learning something from the association. I enjoy knowing that we had a regret free relationship. With this joy it becomes easier to treat others with compassion and love. I understand the pain that death creates for others for I have felt it too and I know that time will never heal the loss. But I do know that since all of us will die it is essential that I accept it and move forward living every moment in service to the joy of my own soul and the soul of others. Sorrow does not mean that joy must be replaced. Grief has a place in my life as much as joy does. Sadness is a side of my emotions that makes me love and be compassionate towards everyone around me so their absence from my life is a regret free one.

I do not anticipate my death to be any different than life. Just as I adjusted to all life transitions so far - childhood to adulthood, single to married, childless to motherhood, one house to another, one continent to another and then another - I know I will adjust to death and rebirth too.

Knowledge such as this makes me more accepting of the world around me. Not only do I respect others I have learned to respect myself. I harm no one and I let no one harm me physically, emotionally or spiritually. Everyone has a right to live their life their way - so do I. I am an imperfect being in the eyes of many - but to me I am perfect the way I am at this moment - physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. All because I am in touch with the deathless Me in this moment.

Speaking the truth.

2010-07-15T10:42:00.001-04:00

Speaking the truth is a noble quality. It is an essential element of a spirit based life. Yet there are times when we hesitate to speak the truth. It could be because the truth would be unkind or harsh and hurtful to another or because the truth could hurt the person speaking it. What then? What takes precedence? Is one justified in lying then? What determines this decision?

All through life this had been a burning question for me. Are there certain conditions under which lying is acceptable? Each time the answer came up as a No. Does that mean I do not lie? Not at all - I do - sometimes. What a terrible position to be in. Compromising with my own sense of values is painful. What kept me from always telling the truth is conflict. Confrontations made me uncomfortable. I felt being argumentative was dis-respectful. A value I learnt as a child. No one told me what was more important. Being disrespectful was a visible move away from a learnt value while lying could be hidden even if it was for a short time. Being driven by the approval of others made being deferent more important than being truthful. It was seemingly easier to compromise with myself than to be considered dis-respectful by others.

The guilt that consumed me after each lie I spoke has built up. The lie and the circumstance were forgotten soon after but there is a residual burden left behind that is unfathomable. Most of the lies have been evasive responses to questions whose answers may have proven to cause pain to or conflict with others. Over time I realized that it was not my lie or truth that caused conflict - it is the interpretation put on it by others that leads to conflict. Now that I have stopped depending on the approval of others, being completely truthful is proving to be a relief. I do not need to evade questions anymore. I do what I want when I want where I want how I want knowing fully well that I am being completely honest to myself and to others. It is not that the thought of being judged does not cross my mind - it is that the judgment does not matter anymore. I enjoy the freedom of being myself - faults and all - knowing fully well that I am perfect as I am.

There is a definite change in my mindset because of this new relationship that I have developed with Myself. I understand how infinite its power is just as I realize how finite is the power of the ego. I can see the line dividing Me from my ego. I can tell when my ego is raising itself and passing Me by. I can choose to stop the ego in its track whenever I want. The ego's journey is a very fragile one. It places me in a glass house that can be broken anytime. The ego is capable of highs and lows and goes through cycles of pleasure and pain, good and bad, wrong and right all the time. Without putting a label to whatever it encounters it cannot exist. The moment I refuse to let it label it loses its power over me. My senses relish all that it beholds when no labels exist. It is not the senses that derail me as much as my mind does. When I am vigilant and in total control of my mind my senses have no hold over me whatsoever. What I eat, what I read, what I hear, what I smell, what I feel is all beautiful when I behold these with my inner being. They all bring pleasure. Even the bitter gourd tastes perfect! It is meant to be bitter and enjoyed just so! It is when I try to avoid tasting its bitterness that it becomes unbearable! What is ugly? What is jarring? These are all my mind telling me what to choose as good and bad. By itself no sight is ugly no sound is jarring!

The curry last night looked different than expected and so did not taste so good! The movie was made by a romantic and so did not meet the standard of comedy! There are so many things that we choose not to enjoy simply because we have prejudged it or labeled it based on our expectation. To expect is one thing - to be attached to that expectation is what makes life painful. There is another reason we often do not enjoy the physical - our curiosity to know what something is as also our need to know everything about anything. These needs make it impossible for us to accept things the way they are. We are tasting a good dish and are bent on figuring out the recipe to enjoy it another time. Let go - enjoy the dish by being in the moment. So what if you never can repeat that taste? When we think about it and just let go of these expectations we find that the world takes on a different color and texture and that it is all pleasurable - no matter what it is that we experience. It is our ego that wants us to be attached to our memories and to good experiences since it is afraid it will lose its identity unless it stays attached! You see the ego does not possess an identity - it is a reflection and so non-existent. When the mirror on which it is reflected is gone it is gone. Letting it go voluntarily opens us up to the infinite. This infinite is eternal and blissful.

By becoming conscious of the ego I found myself. I realize that all I have done and experienced all through my life was necessary to bring me to where I am. I needed to separate my ego from Myself so I could know Me. It is possible to live in this world, enjoy the world of duality and still be unaffected by it. It is possible to love and to be indifferent at the same time - one is no different than the other. It is possible to have and relish things and be detached from them. It is possible to be compassionate and weep and still be logical and make good life decisions. All of this and more is possible simply by finding the true Entity that is I. We can choose to have a lasting relationship with our ego or our True Being. Telling a lie is not necessary because the only real conflict one can have is with oneself. Opening oneself to what is takes this conflict out. Conflict is the reflection of duality - when one sees through what appears as dualistic the real becomes apparent. Conflict is time bound - when one lives in the moment every thing appears perfect - as is.

The truth is my way and it has set me free. No fear, no evasions, no confrontations. There is only truth, love and peace within and without.

Selfless Action - a mindset.

2010-07-12T12:14:00.001-04:00

I read about the 43 year old woman in Iran awaiting the death penalty by stoning. What she may or may not have done is immaterial. My question is how is it possible for mankind to be so cruel? How do we justify picking up a stone with the intent to kill another defenseless person? Whether it is murder or capital punishment - whatever the intention - do we have the right to take another life simply because we judged them and found them wanting - in our perspective? How we love to wield our power over another. How many of us who sit in judgment of others truly have the wisdom to determine absolute right from wrong? Much of what used to be wrong at one time is right today. What is wrong within the borders of one country is right just across it. What is wrong in my mind is right in another's.

It is our blindness towards Oneness that makes it possible for us to be this way. Imagine watching your mother being lashed ninety nine times in public. Is that painful to imagine? Why then is it okay for us to sit 6 thousand miles away and read about it happening to another and move on with our daily life? What is the real difference between her pain and the same pain inflicted on me? Separateness - it is just that I have no visible physical ties to this mother of two grown children who I have never met and so her pain has no lasting effect on me. I may cringe - only because for a moment I may imagine it happening to me but I feel nothing for her - really.

We are not this body - we are really the undying, unaffected breath of life. But the body does belong to this collective life and so deserves the same respect. Her body, my body anyone else's body or mind - when pained can only increase collective pain. We are all tied simply because we all come from the same source. Hypothesize with me - if it is true that we are all part of the One Whole then this pain inflicted on this one person must cause a ripple that will eventually reach you and me. How can I stop getting hurt by an act that I have not committed? No matter how much 'good' I may do the effect of 'evil' must reach my life shore. It is imperative that we bring immediate attention to the pain we the human race are inflicting on everything in our environment so we become aware of the immense harm we are causing to ourselves and to future generations. Fighting against anything is not the answer because of the very same reason. We must wage peace. We must bring about change with love, not fear. It will take a few generations for it to bear fruit but waging war will take us deeper into destruction.

Businesses are no longer the responsibility of the people owning them. We have made businesses individuals without a life so we can protect our personal life and property if we do wrong towards another. If we had continued to be liable for our own actions much of the economic evil would have had a different face. Business and ethics rarely share the same table anymore. The BP oil spill is causing people to boycott their gas stations. Really? Is that how people sitting at the top levels of organizations going to change their ways for the better? Many may now be figuring out how much more money they will need to throw at saving their own skin if there is a similar accident in their business. It is the common man who will suffer. The young man who pumped the gas, or the young lady who stood at the cash desk or even the independent owner of the gas station whose livelihood depended on us stopping by. They are the ones who do not have enough cash in the bank to pay rent if we boycott them. Most of the people in 'responsible' positions just bide their time till something bigger comes along and takes our attention away from them. The ripple of each of their foul actions and ours will only make it worse - not better. Instead, as a human race if we all rose to the occasion and did our part to help clean up the mess and support the organizations and people who are helping and those whose livelihoods have been negatively affected by this accident we can all get back on our feet faster and work towards bringing about changes that will have a positive impact overall.

The woman in Iran or the oil spill in the Gulf waters have the same effect on our collective lives. No one benefits in the long run. Life is not about winning or losing - it is about harmony, peace and prosperity for all. The Universe is infinitely abundant in these matters and we can all draw from it and enjoy all of it and still nothing would be depleted. There is ample proof of this. A mother of one can give as much love to her child as a mother of ten can give to each of hers and still have more to give. A teacher can share all of her knowledge with all her students and still gain and give more. We have all benefitted from the Universe in more ways than one and we continue to receive more each day. Is there a need for us to leave the neighbors portion of the lawn dry and water only 'our' stretch of the lawn? Why can we not see that the water flowing from 'my' hose on to 'my' lawn is really no different from my neighbors? Simply because I pay a monetary price for the water flowing out of 'my' hose I draw a line beyond which the water will not be allowed to flow! This holds true with everything in our lives. What is in it for me? Actually in the short term - there appears to be a material loss and we are short sighted enough to only see this loss. In the long run the stretch of grass that covers our lawns become lush and green together and nothing of the dryness that would have otherwise been across that invisible line encroaching 'my' portion can ever touch the greenery that is.

I am not talking about Utopia - because I understand that the world cannot be all good just as it cannot be all evil. So also I know that no one person is all good or all bad. That is the world of duality we live in and it brings balance. If it was all about good the world would explode and if it was all bad it would implode. I am talking about making a shift to the balance so we can slowly but surely spread the word about kindness and compassion so cruelty and selfishness are not the direction in which we cause ourselves to self destruct. Bringing presence and living life like we only have this moment does bring a different perspective to life and is a powerful way to bring awareness of Oneness into being. Coming into the moment, remembering source, questioning what if this is really the only moment I have shifts the dimension in which we find ourself. The woman in Iran and the people affected by the oil spill or the ones whose erred ways may have caused the spill are all here now with us. How can it be that their actions and thoughts are not affecting ours? How can it be that we cannot impact theirs?

No it is not the politicians, not the lawmakers, not those religious fanatics and pedophiles who are to blame for it all. We each play a part in the collective evil. We each have a role to play in the collective good too. There is more peace, more joy in good. Let us practice goodness in our daily lives. Jealousy, mistrust, hatred, doubt are stressful emotions. Let us stop being self absorbed and live a service oriented life. Selfless service for one hour a week from each person I know would be a good start. The key is selflessness. This service could be cleaning ones own home with love, expecting nothing from it - not even the joy of having a clean home. It could be giving a 100% of oneself at work without thinking about the sense of satisfaction it would bring. Selfless service is not about the Red Cross and relief funds alone it is a mind set that we need to develop. When we expect nothing we live in bliss - a good result of action is simply a bonus! The theory that every action must have an equal and opposite reaction - does not foretell whether or not you will like that reaction. The reaction is also an action that will have a reaction and this cycle will continue till at some point your initial action will come back to you in a form that is beyond recognition. That is the nature of the physical world. In the realm of the spirit you have full control. Your inner peace, your inner joy, your inner love is yours and will emanate outward from you at all times. They will keep you joyful inside and outside.

Can selfless action change the world? If living in the present is hard then think about everything you do today in terms of cause and long acting effect and write them down and see where it takes you. It was a revealing experience for me that has definitely changed my thought process. Just journaling a few thoughts and actions and a different world opened up to me. Being able to imagine the wonder of the circle that my thoughts can cause is a powerful motivator. Make sure you are thinking beyond yourself and out into the future. It will be a roller coaster ride - so keep it short!

The joy of Friendship

2010-07-06T05:01:00.001-04:00

I have always wondered where my naivete about people and friendship stems from. Not that I think I am wrong in believing that everyone is trustworthy, just that I have been told this is my weakness. The other day a third of our classmates from high school had a reunion in the city where we were raised in India. Most of us had been together in school since we were seven. We are all now in our early fifties and this reunion was after 37 years of finishing high school. Those of us who could not be there were just as excited about this mini reunion as the ones who did meet.

That was where I learned to trust. School friends and friends in the neighborhood where I was raised have been my friends for life. It is because we got to know one another before we got to cultivate our ego personas. We touched each others souls because that was when we only knew how to connect with our spirits. Once our egos become our identity it is difficult to connect and make new true friends in large numbers. Even as children we quarreled, had unhealthy competitions and other negative interactions but beneath it all there was this connection that could not be broken. Some of my childhood companions seem to have disappeared but I still feel closely connected to them and want to find them again. The circle that was forged with each of these people was complete and remained complete even though we were physically separated. That is what true friendship is about. I know that these friends are human and therefore imperfect like I am but that is immaterial. Their personalities, their nuances, their ways do not affect my relationship with them. I do not need to know their life secrets and do not need to share mine. None of these external factors can affect the friendship because the connection that happened all those years back was not by a knot that can be untied - it was a seamless weave that knows no boundary. I know myself better because I know them. I know Oneness better because I know them.

I am looking forward to meeting them again. I need to meet them again to ratify my belief that we (meaning all of this Universe) are One. I have had relationships that started later in life that have soured and left me doubting this knowledge of Oneness and having this opportunity to reconnect with what brought this knowledge to the forefront is essential for me. I do not make friends easily but when I do I give it my all. All through my life I have continued to make a handful of soul friends but I have also been fooled into believing some others were soul friendships only to find out that was not true. It has pained me to discover this but now I understand it better. I did connect within these failed relationships - but these connections were knots that soon came untied. The knots were between minds and emotions. We liked the same things, had similar life experiences, enjoyed the manifestations of our spirit - but we never connected at the level of the soul. A small chink and the knot got undone. These experiences have only made me trust more in my belief that inherently everyone is trustworthy. Paradoxical - but true. I need to connect with people at the level of the spirit. Whether or not we have the same likes and dislikes comes later - much later and that is just for purposes of information. What is important is to connect at the level where appearances do not matter. This is possible with everyone. All of my classmates from school were different even as children - yet we all connect with one another. The only common factor is the Spirit. So also is it today as adults. The connection must be at that level. We have to go into any relationship knowing that we are different physically, intellectually and emotionally. We have to know that these are manifestations of a Spirit that wants to experience varying expressions of life. This knowledge keeps us connected to that Spirit so we can enjoy these nuances without forgetting who we really are.

Our love for siblings and parents and our own children has nothing to do with genetics or blood. It is because at least one of us has either connected or allowed connection directly with the soul of the other. The unconditional love that a mother has for her child comes not because she physically gave birth to the child - she gave birth to the child because she connected with the soul of the child. The lasting relationship between spouses is only possible when they are willing to touch each other at the level of the spirit. So also between friends - at least one has to touch the soul of the other at some time for the flow of love to remain undisturbed. I have wondered why I continue to feel love for the people with whom my relationship has soured - I know now that it is because either they touched my soul or I theirs and no matter what happens the flow of love cannot be interrupted. That feels good. It helps me feel whole. It helps me love myself more. It gives me faith in my own power to connect with myself. All because 7 classmates met 8,000 miles away.

God Realization

2010-06-17T13:28:00.008-04:00

Realizing God - that is considered the purpose of human life by many. What is realizing God really? Who is God? Where is He? Why do I need to realize Him? After everything I have to go through on a daily basis to survive and for the upkeep of the family when am I going to make time to realize God? So many questions and few if any constructive answers. It is easier to continue to live life and forget about God Realization.

God Realization is a way of life. It does not require us to know the answers to any of the questions that come up. All that is necessary is the urge to take the first step. Inquiry. The questions are necessary - the answers are already known to each of us. We need to put our little self aside and reach into ourselves to reveal the Truth. It is the putting aside of the ego that is by far the most difficult.

As a child the urge is faint because we have only recently lost touch with God and have found our little selves and are hungry to know more about it. We see flashes of the spiritual being in little children and more often than not we ignore it, or reprimand the child, or joke about it. We do this because we are afraid. We do not want to see this aspect yet and so choose not to see it.

Life is so much fun as we are growing up. There is little time for spirituality. The world offers us so much sensual pleasures that thinking about spiritual growth never enters our mind. It is when we start slowing down and taking our own inventory that we realize that all the worldly pleasures are not enough. There is something missing. There is a level of stress attached to materialistic living that shows us the fallacy of seeking joy outside.

We have many possessions but do not feel abundant. We are in the midst of loving people but feel lonely. We have a large network of friends and family but feel disconnected. This, at first, pushes us towards acquiring more - things, friends, activities - but soon we realize that none of these fill the void. That is when the search begins. This is not related to age. It is a level of spiritual maturity and can come upon us at anytime. Just that as children and even young adults we are not independent enough to venture out of the world into the soul.

When we first feel the need to fill the void within is when God re-Realization begins. We discover that God is not out there. No man, no idol, no symbol, no ritual, no book holds God for us. God is in us. We are in God. God is not someone who blesses us or punishes us nor is he responsible for our destiny. It is with this acknowledgement that God Realization moves forward. Knowing what God is not is just as important as knowing what He really is.

Think positive. Attract abundance. Pray. All good advice but not enough. This acceptance is the next step to God Realization. The innate knowledge that I am a reflection of God can be very humbling. All the books and spiritual teachers talk about knowing oneself. Why? What good is that going to do me? It is only when I know myself that I know my own power to shape my destiny. I have read and heard that negative thoughts bring negative results and positive thoughts bring positive results. But can any one claim that this alone works one hundred percent of the time? I doubt it. There is another step that needs to be taken to guarantee results. Even if you think negative and this motivates you to take fearless positive action you will succeed in getting positive results. The actions you take are just as important if not more important than the thoughts. You can think about scoring a goal in a game but unless you physically execute the goal it will not happen. That is the law of the material world. The key to realizing God too lies in here. The opportunities we need to achieve anything is already present - what is lacking is our capacity to recognize them. It is through courage that we get insight and with insight that we take action and with action that we achieve. This is the path to be followed in achieving anything including self realization. Unless we surrender to the idea that we are potentially God how can we be courageous?

Thought and action in the moment. Action with an eye on the goal will not guarantee success. Thought and action with an eye on this moment and then the acceptance of the consequence of that thought and action is what God Realization is really about. When we have no fear of consequences because we are willing to be accountable - fully - for our own actions independent of what others are doing within that same thought and action is the moment when we have tapped into our greatest power and that is what God Realization is really about. It is as if the inner light has finally found a way out. It lights the way as we carry on living in the material world. Things, people, events - everything loses their power over us. We are overcome by a sense of peace and stresslessness. There is no answer out there it is all in us and has always been there. Books and teachers just keep the inquiry alive - a major aspect of God realization. But unless we can step into the realm of our own spirit, God cannot be realized. The miracle of life is not God Realization. The miracle of life is that we all survive in the material world inspite of being so alienated from ourselves. This is possible only because each of us knows who we are - we just acknowledge it at different times and use different methods.

Losing the little 'I' paves the way to finding the real I. Living with gusto in the moment is the best way to put the little I aside. For as long as this ego is ruling us we cannot bow our heads and see ourselves. When we do not let the ego rule us is when we get glimpses of the God within. The longer you can stay focused on the moment (not thinking about the past memories or anticipating future results) the faster you can find your own center. Once you have found it and established yourself in it life becomes blissful. Nothing you hear, see or experience can push your buttons. There comes a sense of mental stability that makes life what it is meant to be - a journey homeward. Where is home? Where Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness resides. Where Silence speaks and Light is our companion. Where nothingness is everything and death is a continuation of life. Where there is no beginning and no end. Home is unending bliss.

Living in the NOW

2010-06-15T11:11:00.003-04:00

Why is it that when a member of a family dies those left behind are left feeling orphaned? Why is it that when one does not win the lottery one feels despondent? Why is it that when one loses a job one becomes desperate? Why do we panic when a child does not pick up the phone when you call him? If happiness is a state of mind why then is it so hard for us not to be greatly affected by these extraneous factors?

The secret to happiness does lie outside us - that is why. The secret to happiness is tied in with time. For as long as we are a slave to time we will not be able to find that inner happiness. Since we live in the world and have to live by the clock that is ticking on the wall or on our wrists we have to value time. What we forget is that the clock and watches all around are also only showing us time NOW. Why then do we persist on keeping our mind's busy with the past and the future? That is the time that is outside - the past and the future are what takes away the power of happiness from us.

Don't get me wrong goals are important - planning is essential - but only so they can make THIS MOMENT good. Once we attach ourselves to our intended goals and plans any deviation causes us pain. We have to be able to keep our plans and goals aside and live in the moment if we wish to achieve those same goals. Keep the eye and the mind only on the ball and the swing and the follow through will happen. Take your eye off the ball and put your mind on the hole and you lose control over the swing and the follow through.

Death is painful because we want more time with the person who has gone. We did not make the most of the moments we had with them. We regret the past or regret we did not do enough with the past. The past is gone and will never be back and the future is a figment of our imagination. Live every moment with your loved ones and relish that moment. If you cannot be with them physically keep them in your prayers and wish them the very best always. Their leaving then becomes a continuation of the same prayers and wishes. When we apply ourselves fully to our job only giving it our very best then the time spent at work becomes fun. What does it matter what others think of you or what they 'do to ruin your day?' A job is God's work too. Just like the nanny who knows that the master's child is not her own but still cares for it like her own. She knows fully well that when her services are no longer needed she will have to move on to another home, another child. Is there a point in expecting anything from the child? This is actually true even for parents. Our children are God's gift to us. They are here for us to care for and nurture - then let go so they can be of service and live their own life purpose.

Lofty ideals? No - just spiritual truths. Honoring the NOW is what happiness is about. There is only now - it is only the so called intelligent mind, the slave of the ego that keeps taking us away from it. Watch it, become aware of its power over you and bring yourself into this moment to live life fully.

Death

2010-06-09T08:29:00.006-04:00

Imagine a hale and hearty person having a fun time with friends and family - the last thing on anyone's mind is death. But suddenly he is gone. His heart stopped beating. What happened to this person? He was here and now he is gone. That is all the one's left behind know. His wife, children, grand children, relatives and friends are left wondering how and why this happened and how life is going to be from this moment forward. At first there will be much to do to deal with the formalities but then there will be this void that will pronounce his absence with a lot more force. With time we will all adjust to one less person in our midst and cope with the loss - each in our own way. All of this I understand. I have seen it happen and have dealt with it first hand in the past and will deal with it again. The question that I am confronted with this time is - where did this angel of a man go? He was my uncle - my father's brother. I had the privilege of spending some great times with him as a teenager. His presence always brought a lot of joy. He had an infectious smile and a laugh that shook his whole body. In his presence one had to feel loved.

Over the last little while I have realized the place of Oneness in my life. I feel the presence of my father in my life even though he passed away almost 35 years ago. I feel him not in the sense of missing him but more as the impact his presence in the worldly body made on my life. The impact was not made by his physical presence though - it was something deeper and more subtle. This presence never leaves us. That is the importance of this worldly living to me. That is why service towards others is so important. That is why being kind and compassionate and caring is paramount while we are living. I have always wondered why people talk so highly of people who have passed on even if they had not done so while they were living. I understand now that souls touch only at the level of virtue. Egos are indiscriminate. When the physical presence is gone all that is left is the presence of the virtuous soul and it is impossible for the ego to feel any fear from this person and it conveniently forgets the negatives. When we project the virtuous soul into the world when we are living we become love, incapable of causing fear for others or for ourselves. That is how we overpower ego and let spirit rule our life.

Death is the absence of the soul from the body that it had taken on to enjoy the experience of worldly life. Death is the continuation of life without the form. Death comes when we no longer need the body to express the virtues of the soul. Death is an awakening that is supremely blissful. If we open ourselves to the Presence then we do not suffer the pain of absence. The soul is peace personified and so I refrain from saying rest in peace. My eyes may miss his smile, my ears may yearn to hear him laugh but I will always feel his presence for he has always been in touch with my soul and will continue to do so. His love will stay on with me as it will with all those who knew my Shankar Kaka.

Authenticity

2010-06-02T07:39:00.005-04:00

The knowledge is often not enough. Intelligence is a strong aspect of the human mind but often fails to help us practice what we know. Reading books, listening to lectures, meditating, and even talking about subjects spiritual does not make one spiritual. The knowledge may all be there but living a spiritual life full of virtue may still be difficult. As an outsider looking in this is difficult to understand. How can a person who is talking about God, chanting God's name, meditating, praying, attending sermons still be afraid to trust others or even stoop to gossiping, lying and cheating? Where is the disconnect? When we are not in touch with the real 'I' we cannot live the life that the intellect believes is possible.

Imagine going into an office of a person of authority and seeing a display of an elaborate altar right in the office and then imagine the officer asking for a bribe to do what he is being paid to do. Not uncommon. Imagine going for a religious function and hearing people sitting there gossiping about their neighbor. Imagine going to a sermon and thinking about what is for dinner after the sermon. One is not worse than the other. They are all symptoms of the same thing.

We who claim to be spiritual actually are talking about understanding what spirituality is all about. When I read about Swami Vivekananda and Sri Ramakrishna I can see that they are what being spiritual is all about. To them spirituality was not a virtue it was just who they were. It is who we all are but have not acknowledged. We talk about practicing spirituality not about being spiritual. We talk about not lying when we should just be speaking the truth because we cannot help but speak the truth. We talk about having no fear when we should be courageous because we have conviction in our knowledge of who we are. Virtue is not a quality it is who we are. Evil is good gone bad and that can be reversed - always, everytime because it means going back to the original. The first step needed is to want to be authentic and then use the knowledge to get there. It is not a change it is only an acknowledgement of who we are.

There is a story about Swamiji who lived an idealistic life. As a young man he and his friends played regularly in the garden of a neighbor. There was a large tree that they would climb up and make a lot of noise talking and laughing amongst themselves. The old man of the house had tried shooing the boys off, scolding them, complaining to their parents all for nothing. Eventually one afternoon he came out and stood looking up at the boys and told them that he had seen a monster in the tree and that this monster was capable of wringing the necks of little children. The boys were afraid and slowly started climbing down the tree. The young Naren continued to sit up on the tree and said, "Why are you believing him? We have been visiting this tree for years and have not once seen this monster - how is that possible?" The boys were not convinced. After all the old man - a man of authority had told them there was a monster. Naren was unconvinced and continued to enjoy the tree. A simple example of how much strength this young boy had in his own conviction. He refused to believe the story simply because it was told to him. He continued living his life with such conviction. He questioned and argued with his Guru Sri Ramakrishna for six long years before accepting his perfection and finally saying that everything good that he said were the words of his Guru and anything wrong were his own. Swamiji's life deserves to be emulated. He was courageous in every way - physically, morally and spiritually simply because he was deeply in touch with himself.

We lose virtue because of fear and so do those around us. We need to be sympathetic and forgiving towards ourselves and others and learn to see and acknowledge our true Self. What we see and abhor in others is really a reflection of our own weakness. We may manifest it differently but it is still a reflection of who we see ourselves to be. A nagging wife, a controlling husband, a truant teenager, an angry driver, a lying friend, an interfering parent they all reflect our fears if we are affected negatively by them. We must develop the courage to face them with conviction and so face our own fears as this takes us to our true Self and releases us of the fear. We do not need to be critical of others or ourselves but we do need to stand up for our own convictions and for truth without fear. Confrontation or avoidance pushes us further into fear. Courage allows us to stand tall and remain present without reacting or being afraid of repercussions. Listening with complete presence has the power to calm the environment around us enough that sensible conversation or action can follow.

We are invincible in Spirit. It is our ever vigilant ego that thinks we are destructible. Impermanence is a state of the ego not of the Spirit. Only when we destroy our ego can we recognize our true Self. The ego is a reflection of our Spirit but believes it is the real thing. Since it is only a reflection it has the fear of impermanence - naturally since it knows it does not really exist. The ego tries to prove its presence by attaching itself to things, people, emotions etc. All of these happen to be impermanent and ever changing and so we develop fear. When we can see through the ego we can see the real Self. That which is permanent, that which gives us life, that which never changes, that which is unaffected by anything is virtue personified. There is nothing right or wrong, good or bad, dark or light in the realm of the Spirit. That acknowledgement is the first step in our journey towards it. When we are non-judgmental we can look through ego and get a glimpse of the Spirit. We often see it in children and animals. They have not developed their ego and what we see in them is who we all are when we are stripped of our ego. We must stop labeling ourselves and others. We must accept that inherently we are all good.

Being authentic means being true to our inner being which means being courageous, being truthful, being honest, being faithful, being forgiving, being ethical, being giving, being loving, being compassionate, being peaceful, being accepting under all and every circumstance. It does not mean being godfearing for there is nothing fearful about God. It means being in communion with one and all and recognizing that we are all One.

Walking to Wisdom

2010-05-27T08:51:00.002-04:00

Now I have gone and done it. With my heart racing and face flushing I signed up for a 5K walk to be held on June 12th. My first Walk for a cause ever. I am not sure I can do this. I am still huffing and puffing as I walk 2 miles in about 35 minutes each day. That is a poor pace and I know it. I am aiming at bringing that down to a mile every 15 minutes and increasing each day by at least a tenth of a mile to get to as close to walking 5K as I can by d-day. I had initially responded with a 'Maybe' to join then this new friend I have who is a personal trainer and is helping me achieve my fitness goals pushed me over. "Say yes - and I will join your cause too." Oh,oh - my first thought was, "Stupid girl - why did you have to mention the walk to the one person who was going to push you to do it?" I got my answer while the question was forming in my mind, "Because you want to do this but have no self confidence that you can." The real I truly wanted to do it but my ego self was thinking what a laughable idea it was. My thoughts are my enemy very often. You know those times when I 'know' what someone else is thinking about me? How ego centric is that? As if people have the time to be thinking about me. I am not thinking about others then why do I believe that others are doing so? That pattern has become a habit and even though I am unaffected by what people think and say about me there is that second in which that thought still comes up. If I am not present and not fully conscious it takes over. It is a strange place to be in - almost like I am lying to myself. Deep down somewhere I know that I am a confident, compassionate, loving person but somewhere else is this belief that I am not. The belief is what has won for years - the conditioned me that thinks it is protecting and serving me well. The knowing on the other hand has watched silently waiting for the belief to wear itself down.

This Walk means so much more than physical fitness. It is walking me into that knowledge that I fleetingly see when I undertake a challenge of some sort. Now that I have glimpsed it I want to hold on to it for longer periods of time so it is the only Me that I can see. I am keen on walking there over the next three weeks. I know I can do it - so what if I am huffing and puffing to the finish line? Each day as I increase the distance and reduce the time I seem to be enjoying the walks. When I first started all my concentration went on breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. I was totally unaware of what was around me. I looked down and watched the pavement as I took one step and then the next and I huffed. Then a few days later I realized I was not watching my foot but whether the path ahead was uphill, downhill or straight. I waited for the point at which it was going downwards for that was so much easier to do - the very next thought - 'which means there is an uphill just ahead.' I was constantly planning how to get to the downhills without going through the uphills. I knew it was impossible but the same thoughts kept doing the rounds. Then I went out determined to be more conscious of my surroundings as I walked. The silly thoughts did not all go away but I saw the beautiful rose bushes in the front yards of beautifully manicured lawns and wondered why we were so bent on making everything look so well managed. Even the grass, plants and trees - everything that grows so beautifully without our help we want to control.

How then could I have lost control over my own body and mind? Simple - I strived to control everything and everyone I am not supposed to control and lost sight of the one person who I needed to pay attention to - me. First the husband then the children, the house, the job, the dog, my relationships - everything was important. To think that I could have included myself in that list never struck me while I was 'living life.' Awareness of this came only when my health failed me to a point where I simply had to stop and think. Diabetes is considered a silent killer - it affects the internal organs insidiously and is therefore dangerous for a woman like me. As I checked my blood daily I knew that the sugar was not under control for most of the 12 years - but no one else needed to know about it. By the time I stopped working and had time for myself I had forgotten how to care for my body. I had let it go for so long that attempting to care for it seemed like an insurmountable task. It is only over the last six months or so that I recognized the need to attend to my health in earnest. I am glad I did. These daily walks have slowly opened up small cracks in windows within me that are revealing aspects of the Truth that I did not understand before.

The senses are all powerful when I let them be so. They take me to the beautiful outside world and enlighten me about things. It is only if and when I go deeply into my mind that the senses lose their power over me. The manicured lawns and flowers and shrubs were always there but I was so busy fighting the strain of the walk and wondering if I was going to make it up to the next tree 5 steps away or to the stop sign 10 feet away that even the tree I was trying to reach was nothing more than a point on the pavement. The downhill walks were the best. They felt good and made me smile and for some time I dreamed about walking off for miles into the distance and calling my husband for a ride back home uphill. Then it would hit me - he is at work. I would have to walk for the next 8 hours and since I never carry any money on me during my walks, I would have to do this without any food. Then I would turn back and look at the uphill task ahead and want to cry. The beauty of the green fields and woods around me were lost.

I often listen to sermons on my shuffle as I walk. At first I heard nothing - yes I was busy huffing and puffing. Then I forced myself to listen to the voice if not to the words so I could take my mind off the pain. It helped. That is the power of the mind. It has the absolute capacity of going inward on demand. The habit of living by the senses makes me forget this capacity. I have now realized what meditation is really all about. It is the art of stopping my consciousness from enlightening the outside world and using it to enlighten itself. Since I cannot enlighten my own consciousness with the same ease as I can the outside world using my senses I need to use an object that I am unconditionally in love with - like a mantra, Guru or Thakur to put my mind on. The next stage is to use these as a conduit that takes me further into my own consciousness. It is like walking into a dark room with a candle. The visibility is not the same as if there had been natural light flooding the room. If I want to get to the center of that dark room I have to take the candle and carefully walk there. Once I am there I can blow the candle out - I have arrived at my destination. My Guru is that candle and I must learn to take my eyes off of my Guru and look at what He is lighting up within Him and so within me. Oh the feeling of exhilaration this knowledge brings. The fleeting glimpses of that inner awareness have always left me feeling incomplete. I have always wondered why I cannot get there everytime and also why I just could not be there all the time. Now I know I do not need to - just once is enough. The experience has changed me. There is no doubt about the existence of God - if God is Consciousness then He exists. If He exists in me then I must acknowledge His presence everywhere. No I do not see Him everywhere but I know He is there.

Imagine that - all this from huffing and puffing up a few degrees uphill climb with this heavy body. No wonder walking feels so good. Now if only I could just keep walking uphill without feeling like my heart would beat itself out of me everything would be perfect. I can do it and so I will continue walking up the next hill for it means I have to walk downhill into the beautiful garden. Then I can turn and climb up the hill home.

Where do I stand?

2010-05-21T06:19:00.001-04:00

Today I will be hosting a radio program at a local station - community radio. I have been interested in hosting for a long time and I appreciate the opportunity. I am nervous about it even though I have been practicing keeping the mind stable and living in the moment. I have spent time preparing myself for the program - deciding what to say and what music to play during the hour. I have done what needs to be done in terms of planning and the rest will move with the time I spend on air.

As I watch my nervousness I wonder what is causing it. This is not a job that I am depending on financially - I am volunteering my time. Majority of the listeners do not know me from Eve and so it really does not matter what they think of me. If the feedback is good, bad or indifferent will really not matter to the radio station or to me. This is my first time at it and if I make many errors or feel uncomfortable I can just drop out of future programs. No one will remember me and that is that. So this nervousness is not about the rest of the world or even any one person. This nervousness is about me. This is my obsession with doing everything well - the first time. I have always been this way. What I undertake I must excel in. I can take criticism. Over the years I have faced many judgements from many people and not only survived but grown stronger by learning from them. The only criticism I seem to fear is the one I shower on myself.

This aspect of myself is purely ego centered. It comes from the inherent fear of failing. Intellectually I understand that failure is a step towards success but emotionally I believe that true success is about getting there without any slip ups. The need to be perfect reigns supreme - where perfection is a destination. Like all other destinations once I am there it stops being important and yet I have put so much attention on the destination that the journey there has been missed completely. This time I made it a point to remember that the stringed moments to air is what is important. The awareness is good - it keeps me in touch with the real Me. This journey was a test of my practices of contemplation and meditation. There are no passing or failing grades in this test - just an opportunity to assess the gap between thought and emotion. I realize that I am intellectually very ego centered and emotionally still immature. I am still afraid of failing even in apparently insignificant things. No - the program was not insignificant - but in the larger realm it has no value whatsoever.

Getting in touch with my emotions and expressing them has always been a challenge. What I say rarely reflects how I feel deep within me. This has led to me not being able to reach that deep seated emotional side of me. I refrain from exposing my true feelings even to myself. As I took the conscious steps into that journey over the last few days I liked what I discovered. As I have been practicing being kind over being right the need to be right has receded. I am not as plugged in to situations and people as I used to be. I take what I hear as information rather than as judgement and am able to accept opinions that differ from mine and remain unaffected. I am not in a rush to please anyone. This has created a sense of peace and confidence that I am enjoying. I find that it is possible to be honest and kind too simply because I am always conscious of the feelings of others. I treat them like I want to treat myself - with love.

Now if only I can stay in touch with my own emotions and recognize my feelings I can also change my thoughts to bring Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness into my own life with a lot more confidence. (Above piece started on 16th May)

PS:(May 21st) The program went well. There were no glitches and all the information that I wanted to include was in and within good time. I feel better for having gone in as prepared as I did - it made the job so much easier. I enjoyed the hour as much as I enjoyed the moments that took me there. I am looking forward to the next one.

Anatomy of Approval

2010-05-10T06:01:00.001-04:00

Seeking the approval of others was a learnt quality. The need was really to be heard. Somewhere along the way I equated being heard as being agreed with. Two totally different things. It meant that the corollary was true too. To let another know that they had been heard I had to agree with them. What a dangerous situation to put oneself in. It is only now that I understand that there is a definite difference between hearing and agreeing.

As a child I shared my parent's affection with an older and only brother and an older and unwell sister. I am sure I felt I had to compete to have my parent's attention. Then my sister died and my brother moved to a different city to pursue his education. I became the center of most of my parent's attention when I was around 9. By then I was a good little girl who had won their hearts over by doing everything they approved. It was a good way to live. There was very little conflict. Doing anything that could cause unhappiness to my parents was difficult and if I did I had to let them into it very carefully. If I ever met their disapproval it made me feel very guilty and very incomplete. Inspite of enjoying myself for doing something that I wanted I never fully enjoyed myself because I let it be tarnished by their disapproval. This cycle continued for many years with all my relationships - friends,relatives, husband, sons, co-workers, bosses and even the non-judgemental God.

Now I see that their approval or disapproval was my own state of mind. I judged myself as good or bad. Choosing ones own life partner was taboo in India when I was growing up. I fell in love and stuck with him knowing that my parents would not approve. I felt strongly enough about it and moved forward. That was when I first gave up the need for approval. It took years for me to comprehend it - but that was the beginning. It comes from paying attention to oneself. I hardly ever paid attention to me. Life was all about out there. I had been taught that good people were selfless. In truth what I was being taught was that good people served others too. I never realized that to serve others I needed to serve myself first. Without caring for me how could I care for anyone else? To love oneself to the exclusion of anyone else is what selfishness is about but loving others to the exclusion of oneself is impossible. It has taken me a long time to recognize this. Now that I do life is beautiful.

Approval comes from within oneself. Confidence and self esteem come from living in the moment and doing what seems appropriate in the moment. No two life situations are ever the same and I cannot foretell the outcome of my thoughts and actions in the moment. I have learnt to live life in the Now and enjoy it. Memories of the past do come in but I consciously put them aside and live this moment. I approve of me and that is all that counts. Life's ups and downs are unavoidable and no matter what I do I cannot foretell my future. I choose to live life fully in the moment for this moment is always perfect. I hear myself and I make life choices that seem appropriate for me - dependent only on what feels good to me. Approval is an overrated word and has no place in a happy life.

What is Relationship?

2010-05-08T08:52:00.001-04:00

The dynamism of relationships intrigues me. Why do relationships wax, wane, grow, break or just never develop? What is it that does not allow stability in most relationships? There are some relationships that last a lifetime - without going through some (often major) peaks and valleys. For years I accepted that if a relationship has lasted without ups and downs it has been a bonus. Now I think otherwise. It is possible for most relationships to be stable and peace filled. It requires that I be stable - no matter what the circumstances.

Omnipresence means we are all imbibed by the same energy - for me that energy is defined as God. That makes us all essentially the same. Ego refuses to accept this and needs to protect itself from the unknown. If I know that we are all the same it is impossible for me to be afraid of anyone else. I do not need to be judgmental and the judgment of others holds no value to me. The God in me recognizes the God in you - and vice versa. If we can both remove the veil of the ego the relationship would be perfect. But it is still possible for me to attempt to create a perfect relationship with you if I remove the veil of my ego. You can choose to keep yours on or put it away - that will not matter to my love for you - even if the relationship is lost

The veil is one of judgment and pre-conditions. It is possible for me to overcome both - it requires only Love. Ever since the experience of Oneness I have begun to see the harm I have caused myself by being judgmental. I have created a wall around myself trying to protect something that requires no protection. I can be myself without judging me or others. That is the beauty of fearless living. There is no right or wrong in anything you or I say or do - since I love You what actions your ego instigates does not need to bring on any negative vibes in Me.

Is it possible to live this way, though? Can I give up being judgmental? There is a method I must follow for me to get to the point where I have mastered it. There are two things to keep in mind - one is being ever vigilant about remaining Present at all times; and two is to remember who I am and extend that memory towards everyone around me. I cannot tell my ego not to show up - that is almost impossible to do - yet. I can train my ego to remain Present and remember who is the True Master of this existence.

There are many ways I recognize when my ego needs restraint and when my Spirit is leading the way. Whenever I have selfish thoughts, when I am angry, when I am forming opinions that I want to stick to no matter what, when I am not listening to others but formulating answers, when I am allowing myself to get lost in negative emotions I must make conscious effort and bring awareness into the moment. The key to any relationship is being able to recognize that the relationship is not paramount - the person is. When I begin to love a relationship more than the person the very essence of the relationship is lost. When I concentrate more on the relationship the poisonous effects of expectations begin to take over. When a relationship is based on conditional love between the people concerned the relationship is fragile and hollow. Unconditional love is nothing more than an acceptance of a person inspite of and because of their inner being. Actions are a reflection of our emotions and thoughts - when our emotions and thoughts are spirit centered our actions are invariably kind and compassionate. Egocentric emotions and thoughts give rise to actions that can be unpredictable. To be able to accept a person whether they are reflecting their spirit or their ego is what unconditional love is all about. I do not have to like or agree with the person's opinions or actions - but I must be able to accept them for who they are reflecting knowing fully well that behind it all is the same superpower that resides in and around me. That is what being present is all about. Being ever aware that there is one thread that runs through us all.

No relationship needs to sour - every relationship can keep soaring upwards. Everyone within that relationship enjoys peace, love, abundance and oneness. No matter what is said or done being present brings beauty into the moment and into relationships.

Growing Awareness

2010-05-01T08:54:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last few weeks caring for myself more than I have done in years. My time has been spent counting calories and understanding the effect of food on my emotions and my body - as much as the effect of emotions on my eating and on my body. A lot of time has also been spent understanding me - the real me a lot better.

I give a hundred percent of myself to whoever I am in contact with. I give all of myself to whatever it is that I am undertaking. I am fully present in any situation I find myself in. All good things but then I also expected the same from the people and circumstances too. That can be a huge burden on others. It requires trust, respect, and unconditional love for and from people. How many of us are ready for this? How many of us know how to define these qualities? It has taken me 53 years to get a small glimpse of and know their effects on me personally and I know now that for years I lacked these essential values - not by choice but simply because I lived a life that was centered in ego. Ego is quick to build complexes - superior in some instances and inferior in others - causing trust, respect and real love to fly out the window and stay outside.

I consider myself to be an intelligent logical person who has a clear understanding of language, emotions, and most thoughts and ideas. When I discovered that this very intelligence and my own sharp mind are my enemies I was horrified. My mind and intellect very easily took over my life. They developed my ego. They scattered me. I became their slave and so a slave of time. When I stopped working outside the home I gave up wearing a watch or carrying a time telling device like the cell phone on me. It was a huge relief not to be a slave to the clock anymore. It was not enough, though. I may not have allowed the clock to rule my life but I was still a slave to time. The past and the future were still the determinants of my thoughts and actions. Eckhart Tolle speaks so eloquently about the destructive nature of time in his books (Power of Now and A New Earth). The only time we have is the Now and everything is always perfect in this moment. It is when we dwell on the past and imagine the future that the power of fear or expectation takes over and destroys the beauty of the present. The past can only be a determinant of the future if we do not acknowledge the present. There is no need to judge the present because there is nothing to judge in it. This moment is neither good nor bad it just is. That defines me too. I am neither good nor bad in this moment; I just am. My goodness or badness lies in my past. When I live only in this moment I do not think or act from memory or expectation because I am only in touch with my being-ness and that never leads me astray. There is nothing good or bad about a circumstance if I do not consider its importance based on past memory or future expectation. That dependence on time is what I am striving to free myself from. I find it brings a deep sense of peace under every circumstance. Tough times are always only imagined. Not being able to afford a meal I crave, for whatever reason - financial, because of health, lack of time - will not kill me. The craving will pass and I may or may not survive to have it another day but so what? That movie I want to watch, or the top I want to buy, or the slim body I want to have may all be elusive or may all be mine - do they really matter in the larger scheme of this moment?

I live my life now doing what gives me pleasure in the moment. I eat right, I walk, I joke around with my husband, I talk to my children, I watch movies, or take a nap in the middle of the day, I write, I read, I listen to music, or cook or clean - anything I do is for the moment. If in the middle of my writing a phone rings I shut my computer and pick up the phone or choose to ignore the phone - I give my full attention to what is happening now - if I feel like it. Nothing is dependent on my existence and yet my existence is purposeful. What freedom that brings.

Watching my children shows me the importance of living in the present moment. I love my children and it reflects in their being. I want them to be who they want to be. When they suffer or are in pain I believe it is their experience to have. When they make what I consider mistakes it is for their own growth. I have never lived my life through them and today I find myself more connected to them even though they live 500 miles away. I do not talk to them or email them everyday and yet I feel as close to them today as I did when they clung to me as infants. They are both more centered than I was at their age. They are more outspoken, more knowledgeable, more goal oriented, and yet more present than I was. They reflect the youth of today who have a much deeper understanding of life. They live in the present moment - maybe because they are not burdened by family liabilities like we were or because they are more self absorbed than we had the chance to be - whatever the reason they have developed a skill that I definitely lacked for the most formative years of my life - the skill to enjoy every moment of life. I am there today and am loving it.

I have chosen to distance myself from the social rounds - not because my friends and acquaintances are not important - but simply because this affords me the privilege and the time of getting to know myself better and gives me the opportunity to acknowledge the qualities that I do possess of trust, respect and unconditional love for people and circumstances. I feel like the bird who knows that she will be cared for and can choose to be a free spirit. I am choosing to die before dying and so becoming fearless of death. I know I am deathless, immortal, ever present. The ups and downs of circumstances and relationships are physically time bound and will pass but life is timeless and will always be in the present moment. I die and am born every moment and therefore every moment is a celebration renewed. People, things, thoughts, ideas, fears, desires, are all within a single moment bound by a strong string of deep awareness. If I let them be they leave me be too. I embrace all this in love expecting nothing in return for the pleasure is in the loving itself. Every now and again the peace disappears - there is turmoil and heartache. A pause to bring awareness to the ego and I find that all that is really left is always peace. Deep, lasting, overwhelming peace.

Love

2010-02-05T07:59:00.001-05:00

Love - with a capital 'L' - the spiritual kind - what is it and how does one know it is not the worldly kind? Sometimes just saying what it is not has to suffice - that can be frustrating. Experiencing Brahman is indescribable because once described - It's essence is lost. Experiencing It seems like the only way out. This may have been more in previous centuries since only a select few were blessed with the experience. Today experiencing Bliss is possible for us all - without exception - just like the sages and prophets have been telling us for ages.

Most mornings as I sit in silent meditation I am enveloped by a sensation of openness - as if everything is flowing through me - in one way and out another. It is as if I am in a single vibration with everything else around me. The only thing I am aware of is a sense of being Love. The sensation, the vibration the flow all seem to be showing, saying, feeling Love. It is a new sensation and yet not a strange one. When I felt it for the first time I knew what it was. Till then I understood it and I knew that when I connect with another in Love it feels great but now I know Love and understand why it feels so great.

Expansion is a great feeling. It is both inclusive and singular in nature. Oneness makes me a part of It; at the same time I know I am. These sensations (which they are really not) stay with me for some time and yet I can see everything as separate from me. The seeing and the experiencing are different in nature and yet the same. It is as if a needle has gone through a fabric and made the thread it was pulling behind it a part of the fabric and then left both the fabric and the thread behind. Something has infused me with a sense of Oneness and yet left me experiencing separateness.

Change is the only constant in the physical realm (although many would want us to believe that man cannot change for the better - remember the once a liar always a liar, once a rapist always a rapist claims?) - nothing is sustainable without change and yet Oneness is unchanging. It is the base without which this changing world would not be possible. Oneness is what makes change possible. Some changes come about by choices we make, others are out of our control, but changes are happening all the time. I have changed over the years. I have striven to become 'a better person,' driven by what society defined as better - changes brought on by choice. I realize now that one change that happens and lasts is the experience of Love. I am referring to a progression from 'being in love', to 'being Love.' Being Love is an essential element of Stability of the Mind. Love is incapable of fear, hatred, indifference or sorrow - to be one of these it has to change and Love is, so it cannot change.

First there was the love that I felt towards family, friends, and possessions. I was in love and expected to be loved in return. The word love is erroneous here - it should be attachment. I was attached to friends, family and possessions. This attachment took me through peaks and valleys of emotions that made the experience very superficial while making it appear deep.The depth was one of despair - this cannot be love. Then I began to experience love for myself. This was definitely a foreign feeling. I grew up believing that loving oneself was a selfish act - and being selfish was taboo. After being exposed to Western Spiritual teachers I realized that without loving myself first it was impossible to love others. Once I started introspecting to figure out what about me was lovable my journey towards Truth and Love took on a different meaning. I understood the meaning of unconditional love. Practicing it calls for conscious effort. Unconditional love requires giving up being judgmental, it means going beyond right and wrong. Being raised to value righteousness made being accepting of everything difficult. As I learned to accept myself I began to accept others too. As I grew to love myself I learned to love others too. It is easier in theory than to put it into practice. Living in solitude has made it possible to grasp the true essence of Love but I am still not able to stay true to it. The ego is a believer that separateness is the way to happiness and that there is a distinct place for right and wrong or at least for good and better. More specifically the ego believes that some deserve to be loved and others not.

Love feels right, and it brings me closer to experiencing Oneness or Truth or God - which are all one and the same thing. I cherish Love and want it to become my only way of life - simply because it opens up a portal into the realm of the Spirit that brings Bliss. The ego has its place in my life - it keeps me alive in the worldly sense so I can experience God, and that I do not want to part with yet. So I care for my physical needs using my ego to judge good and bad and then I tuck it away so I can simply Be. I love Love for love itself.

Balance

2010-01-26T05:17:00.001-05:00

It has been a challenging week with the addition of Insulin to my treatment. I was first diagnosed with Diabetes almost 12 years ago. Even then it was perchance and the doctor was surprised that I was functioning normally in spite of the unbelievably high blood sugar levels. He did not put me on insulin then since my body had adjusted so well to the high sugar levels and insulin could shock my system. He started me on tablets and have been on different concoctions ever since. Eventually insulin has become part of the regimen. Adjusting the dose to bring balance is the challenge. I was started on the long acting once a day injection at the lowest possible dose. Am at 6 times that now plus the short acting kind three times a day and have still not come down to normal levels. The journey continues with increasing doses each day. This is why I chose to postpone the meditation course. I am glad I did. I will be able to enjoy it more in June when the sugars are in balance.

At first I was okay with the high sugars, then they became physically exhausting and the mind came down a notch. Then with the help of the mind I was able to pick myself up again and stay on the path. The body is a friend of the ego you see. The ego tries everything to draw me away from the path of the Spirit. And as I have said in my earlier posts the Spirit will let ego take over anytime without a second thought. This experience is showing me though, that once I am on the path recognizing the work of the ego and knowing how little it is worth helps me stay focused on the Truth. This body is definitely a temple to my soul and therefore needs attention and care but the body is only a part of the support staff - my Spirit is still the one at the helm. My attention cannot be taken away from the Spirit to care for my body. It would be like having a gold gilded palace with no owner. Could be easily looted away leaving it in ruins. I must care for both. This world is infused with Spirit too and my body is part of that world - just as my ego is - Omnipresence cannot exclude the ego. Creating the balance and using the ego to do so keeps me on track.

For years I took care of my worldly life and lost my true self in the process. The meaning of Love and Peace and Abundance and Wellbeing was so different then. Being in love was more important than being Love. It was necessary for something to belong to me for me to love it and for it not to belong to me for me to crave it. A depraved sense of love. It was about attachment and possessiveness and greed and lust and a fear of loss that defined love then. There was a sense of fight and stress in it. Today Love means a sense of belonging to the feeling itself. I love and do not need it to be reciprocated. I am not blinded by Love and I do not need to justify why and I do not need to know how. Love is, like I am. I love me not because, and not inspite of - I only love myself as I am. Do I need to be loved then? No, Love has no need. Very different from worldly love and without the experience of both I would not have known this.

Diabetes is a fact of this life I am living today. It may be with me for the rest of my days - and I have embraced it. All it has done is changed my lifestyle - not my life. I need to care for my body so I can continue to be in Spirit. Being in my soul is liberating. It is as if nothing can touch me. Even if I take a trip with ego I know I can come back to It. It is truly Omnipresent.

Wellbeing

2010-01-19T20:20:00.003-05:00

The mind is a busy beaver - building dams protecting itself from imaginary attacks. Yet it knows that it is it's own and only enemy. The mind is powerful and controls it's own joys but for some reason it loses sight of this and scatters it's powers away. Once the mind has grasped it's true capacity there comes about a sense of equanimity that is wondrous to say the least.

Meditation brings the mind back to it's natural state after all the curves that life throws its way. I had a rough week health-wise. The blood sugar is not doing as well as I was hoping and have resigned myself to taking insulin. The timing has a message I clearly needed to hear. For a few months now I have been planning to travel to Canada for the Vipassana 10 days training course. I was supposed to fly out on this coming Sunday. I had planned two full days with loved ones before going into silence and then one day on my return from meditation before flying back home. I was excited and was hoping to have in-depth understanding of my problems with diabetes, obesity and self care. Over the last few months of contemplation and meditation I have realized how little I do for myself - for the person who I need to care for most.

I planned my trip around my blood tests and doctor's appointments and when the doctor prescribed the insulin I delayed starting it till I got back. But all of last week I felt extremely unwell. The blood sugars shot up, I felt exhausted, feverish, and dizzy. My body was craving for attention like it has never done before. I had no choice but to start the insulin right away, get myself up on my feet and exercise as if my life depended on it so I could bring my sugar levels down. Starting an insulin regimen means staying in touch with the physician till the dose is adjusted to what the body needs. Well - out went the silent meditation. I had to postpone my trip and stay put so can take care of myself. The Universe is speaking to me. There is a distinct message - take care of the body - it belongs to Me and must be revered. The experiences of Oneness, of Bliss, of Peace and Love must include My body - the one I rarely care for. My body has been my biggest challenge (no pun intended.) I am not quite sure what lies behind my neglect of it and I doubt looking for it is important. All I know now is that it must be cared for and kept in wellbeing if I have to enjoy Oneness. Healing is bigger than curing issues - it is about being well. I must correct my errors with the help of my Spirit but without the physical effort this wellbeing is impossible.

Along with my mental and emotional wellbeing I must strive for good health. They all go hand in hand. It has taken me a while to recognize this. Having children who are as knowing as my sons are helps me see things I am blinded to. Ever since this episode of ill-health Avik has called me every night - his 'knowing' awes me. He has been my cheerleader and keeps feeding me important information without making it sound like he is preaching - and yet with every conversation I have learned something important, something handy, something useful, something motivating. I know he has been busy - he just moved house - but he has still made the time to be there for Mom. I am blessed. I have been an imperfect Mom but have somehow ended up with two very caring young sons who guide me through life like very few others have. I have always said and would like to repeat - I have learned more from my sons than I have from my parents - and I have learned one hell of a lot from my parents.

Thank you boys - for coming into my life. I love you. As for myself - it has taken me a while but I can see now what true Wellbeing is really about. It is about uplifting ego-free thoughts along with detached action. I am not focusing on the results of my meditation, medication, diet or exercise - just on taking all the necessary steps required to stay well in this moment with full attention to the moment. Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing or a sense of Oneness - one or all of these require full attention to the moment - all else just follows. The mind travels too far into the past and the future and finds reasons to be fearful - staying present each moment is the only meditation required to be in Love and at Peace always. The nomadic mind is a bane, this moment is eternal perfection.

Inherent Goodness

2010-01-14T06:20:00.000-05:00

For years I have known that there is an inherent goodness in all of us. This is not a belief, it is a knowing. Most of my loved ones - family and friends - have always said I am naive to think this way. I have never quite agreed with them, but I did try to see things from a different perspective - theirs. If I shut my inherent knowing out then it is easy to believe that there is so much evil in the world. Even people like Maya Angelou talk about, 'First time someone shows you who they are, believe them.' The basic premise being that people are incapable of changing - for the better.

I know this is not true. The only thing necessary is the desire to change. If I can see my behavior as an error in ways I can correct it. If I am labeled as a liar, or a rapist, or a thief and begin to believe I am that then I also begin to believe that I am beyond repair. There are many spiritual organizations that are visiting prisons to help rehabilitate inmates and they are showing positive results that have never been seen before. The change is really a shift from identifying with the ego to identifying with the Self. Nothing more. Self Realization is not all that difficult. It is the expectation that it will be a mind blowing event that makes it appear remote.

Ego is fear personified. It is afraid of losing its identity. This comes about since the ego identifies it's existence with the body,with possessions, with name, fame, glory, external beauty. Tangible but transient things that it knows can never be forever. Ego depends on the five senses to appease it's thirst for victory. The more it has the more victorious it feels and the more sorrowful it makes our lives. The ego begins to believe it is invincible and eventually ends up defeating itself and making errors along the way. Once the realization of the errors of the path is reached it can be reversed. That is when rehabilitation begins. Confession is about this return journey towards our Spirit and is a very fulfilling event. It is the point at which our surrender to our own Higher Self happens and change becomes absolute. Changing my way without knowing Myself is always transient. Permanency can only come with Self Realization.

Doing evil is about committing errors - one error is not bigger than the other. The ego wants us to believe it is. It justifies some of it's errors by grading them. An extra cent returned by the cashier - from the ego's perspective pocketing that cent is no big deal - the value of the error is in the cent. The knowledge that I have pocketed an extra cent takes me away from the present moment and makes me think a series of unnecessary thoughts. No different than if I had pocketed a large bill. The quality and quantity of the thought is immaterial - all that matters is that I was not able to stay present in the moment in both cases. Staying true to my inherent goodness keeps my mind in the present moment at all times. It is ready to be Inspired always. It is ready to serve, to love, to be at peace, be happy, be present and at One.

Doing evil is not about being evil. It is about being afraid. Fear is what motivates evil thoughts and actions. I may not be able to identify the fear or even choose not to acknowledge it but deep down I know that every evil thought is based in fear. Fear about something as primal as losing my own peace of mind prompts me to think evil thoughts about the other. When I am established in Love and Peace in my core then fear is unable to overpower me. Swamiji talked about doing no evil in action or thought. I often think evil thoughts and pat myself on the back for not acting on them - but a negative thought is no smaller error than a negative action. The ego sees it differently only because it has a different set of values from the Spirit. To be able to Love unconditionally is the only resolution. Goodness is shrouded by fear. Recognizing this is a beginning to the return journey.

Being good takes no effort. It requires no planning, no conniving, no secrets, no formation of teams - nothing. Goodness has no degree - it is a function of a stable mind that is in perfect alignment with the Soul. In the Silence of the mind - the gap between thoughts, Goodness abides. The longer the gap the more I enjoy the moment the more inspired I am the more merged I am in Me. Goodness is my knowing and I bask in it's Glory.

Miracle Mindedness

2010-01-08T06:24:00.000-05:00

When our ego tells us something is impossible and it happens the ego calls it a miracle. It does not want us to believe in Reality, you see. The existence of our ego is dependent on our believing that we are our body, mind and intellect. It's power lies in our believing that it is who we are and it collects as many forms as it possibly can to take us further away from our authentic self.

A good friend prompted this writing. She is looking for authenticity in her life and relationships. Who defines this authenticity? How do we define authentic? "Having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence." The origin and unquestionable evidence. Is this possible in the world of duality? Origin - what is original? Unquestionable - is there anything like that? It is all about perception. What came first - the egg or the chicken? Original is nothingness and what question can there be about nothing?

As I practice silence I can see my thoughts in a different light now. Thoughts are really only about the past or the future. The Now has no thought attached to it. Thoughts only fill the inherently silent mind with clutter. The base on which thoughts appear is really blank. The ego hates silence because then it has nowhere to hide and it is afraid of nowhere and nothing. How paradoxical is that?

The miracle mind is one that is ready for Truth to be written on it. The ego will not allow this because it is afraid of the Truth. Ego and Truth cannot co-exist. Unfortunately for the ego, Truth is always present and so ego fights to hide it however it can. A small glimpse of the Truth is inevitably followed by doubt about its existence. Staying in the Now is difficult only because the ego is fighting to have complete control of the mind. The ego must make the mind think about meaningless things to keep it too busy to delve into this moment of Eternal Truth. The struggle that the ego goes through every moment must be silenced if I have to be in Truth. Even writing and contemplation are egotistic functions. The Truth has no degree and so finding it cannot be in the journey - it must be the destination. This the ego finds hard to accept - it needs to be on the move, compromising with itself and trying to convince the mind that over time the Truth will be revealed. As long as I am on the journey the Truth will remain veiled. Not because It does not want to be found but because It does not need to be in conflict with the ego which is a meaningless imaginary entity created by itself for its own survival.

Miracle mindedness sees the evidence of Truth in everything. It has no room for judgment since it recognizes its own being and so the 'isness' of every other being. It is like when a child gets home and calls mom at work to ask her to hurry home as he just polished off the casserole he found in the fridge. Dinner needed to be cooked. Smiling to herself Mom reassures the child that all is well. You see she knows there is another casserole ready in the freezer in the basement. So also the mind that knows the Truth remains calm in the middle of meaningless chatter knowing how transient everything else around It is. Truth has all the ingredients of Power in it. What are these ingredients? Knowledge, Purity, Love, Peace, Happiness and Strength. These ingredients promote Unconditional Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness with all. That is the Miracle.

One Step Forward

2009-12-23T06:00:00.000-05:00

The ego is a difficult entity to control or even keep in sight at all times. Yet without that awareness, being completely true to Oneself is impossible. The ego is what separates me from my True Self and controls my body-mind-intellect complex with ease. Me - my Spirit - prefers to remain an observer when the ego is ruling. It is only when I am consciously aware of my ego that I can attempt to be true to Me. Not that the ego is always doing the wrong thing - it can be loving and kind too but it is also a show off at that time. The ego does everything to increase its own power. In that sense it is completely self absorbed.

What then is the difference between the self absorption of the ego and the Self absorption of the Spirit? The Spirit is all pervading and so It's absorption in Itself includes all - there is no hunger for power or control. That is what makes it so easy for the ego to take over. If the Spirit had wielded It's power over the ego Its purity would be lost. The Power of the Spirit lies in Its capacity to give in to the truancy of the ego and remain an impartial loving observer. Clearly that is my inherent quality and the inherent quality of all of us. We are capable of remaining loving observers of everything happening in the world. To remain in this world and express this quality I need to train my ego to be all loving and imitate my Spirit. The ego has not yet been able to identify what is in it for it! To respond with love towards the most abrasive, the most demanding, the most violent means losing the battle and the war as far as the ego is concerned. But is it?

What is fear or hatred or violence but disruptive vibrations exuded by minds? What is the best way to nullify these? More of the same can only increase the disruption. A soothing vibration is the only way to quieten a disruptive one. That is simple physics. I know that the vibration of Love is exactly the opposite of fear. Giving in to violence in love is very different from giving in to it in fear. Giving in can be my strength or it can be my weakness depending upon where the reaction is coming from. How do I know where my reaction is coming from? When it feels good - in a soft way without feeling as if I have won or lost a battle; when I feel at peace with the decision and not belittled by it - when I am left unruffled - my reaction is coming from love.

My thoughts are the easiest for me to change, my feelings are more difficult. Feelings have been established due to years of wrong thinking and the memories they have left behind. With practice I can watch over my feelings and reverse them, it only takes longer as they are deeper in my subconscious. Deeper still are my emtions - the ones I have the most trouble keeping in check. I can see that inspite of my thoughts being markedly improved and my feelings being calm my emotions do flare up leaving me wondering what more I need to do to stay focused on my True Identity.

My emotions - whether the positive ones or the negative ones can be aroused even when I am conscious of my thoughts and feelings. For example; my son called to say he had an accident. It was nothing major, the car was slightly damaged. No one was injured. I talked to him, tried to make him comfortable about the situation and bring his confidence back but I was still frustrated at his negligence and by the turn of events that led to the accident. The event had already happened, nothing untoward came out of it. I knew there was nothing I could do yet the emotions did not stay at bay. The only way to get to them, understand them, and master them is through deeper meditation. I have proof that meditation is a powerful tool that brings lasting change to the workings of the mind.

The ego is a fearful entity - it's worst fear being its own destruction. It will do whatever it takes to stay alive. Years of wrong thinking has empowered the ego. Fortunately my Spirit is unchangeable and whenever I call upon It to guide me It does so willingly. Habit has made it difficult to let It be the doer. Hours of keeping the mind in constant company of the realm of the spirit through books, the web and writing has made it possible to recognize the benefit of cultivating new thought patterns and pursuing them. Contemplation and meditation establish right thinking that changes feelings and replaces strong emotions.

I am looking forward to learning Vipassana and staying present in the world and not giving in to everyday temptations that enhance the power of the ego. Staying ever watchful is the journey and it is outrageously beautiful.

From Silence to Stability

2009-12-18T06:41:00.000-05:00

Stability is considered a negative in the world of economics - it means absence of growth they say. In the world of the Spirit though Stability is an essential aspect of growth. A stable mind makes it possible to go deeper and discover one's True Self - the one that is the Ultimate, Omnipresent, Omniscient, Omnipotent entity that defines us all.

What is Stability of mind and how does one achieve it? A stable mind is simply one that does not react either positively or negatively to any stimulus. It accepts every thought, event, person with complete equanimity. To achieve this state there has to be an understanding that the world at large is only an illusion and transient. To get to this stage one only need study everything that has ever happened and recognize the truth of this. This must be done with an open mind and the results that come out of the observations depends on the stage of stability that a person is at. Each of us is always right no matter what the conclusion since it is a subjective exercise.

Over the years my observation has changed. At first stability of the mind was only a myth and something that was a theory found in books. Completely unachievable - an Utopian idea. I even thought it was a form of escapism. Then it seemed possible under certain circumstances - like in lives of monks who have secluded themselves and do not have to deal with the vagaries of life. With time I began to acknowledge that after about the age of eighty and living a life full of peaks and valleys some people may be able to achieve this state. Now I know that this stability is available to anyone who chooses to have it. As a matter of fact the earlier one achieves it the more blissful life becomes. Living harmoniously is only possible when the mind is unruffled.

Our mind-body complex is the greatest deterrent to our spiritual progress. The senses tempt the mind and easily take control of it. The mind begins to identify with the sensual pleasures and is blinded by this identity. The egocentric thoughts only get stronger and have a powerful hold over the mind. Things, people, events become all important and the capacity to discern the real from the illusory is completely lost. It is not as if the mind is incapable of understanding this difference it just refuses to understand it because it has so much fun being out in the illusory world. Pleasure is to be had even in pain. We repeat our painful stories to others and more often than that to ourselves. We relive sad events of our lives and keep them alive even when the event itself is past. How masochistic is that? Nothing is gained by holding on to pain - except that the ego is sure of not getting overpowered by the Spirit. The reign of the ego is threatened when we bring ourselves into the present moment every moment and accept all that has passed and do not focus on the imaginary future.

My father passed away when I was a teenager. I love my father as much today as I loved him then - love does not require him to be present in my life if it is unconditional. When my love wants my father physically present it proves that mine is a conditional love - it is conditional upon he being alive. Reliving his death and causing myself pain, reliving the fun moments and bringing pleasure both cause my mind to become unstable. One is not better than the other. Memories need not be lost but I cannot give all of my power to my memories. I can think of my father and feel the love that I feel when I look upon a rose bush in my garden or a grand old oak tree in the park or a hare hopping across the walkway into the woods or a dead deer as it lies beside the roadway - since all of it is just an illusion.

It has taken me many hours of silent contemplation and meditation to tap into this knowing. Many of life's experiences had overpowered me too. I could not see the folly in getting involved and enmeshed in the drama of life for as long as I was living as if I belonged to this world. Then a few major incidents of the world made me stop in my tracks. A dear friend gave up on our friendship. I had not foreseen this. I was sure that the friendship had a strong base as it was founded on spiritual likeness between us. This was the second time such an event has happened in my life - a person I thought touched my soul gave up on the joint pursuit of spiritual growth. Another was the fallout of an enterprise that I had undertaken with someone I considered like minded. It ended with me feeling that every intention of mine was misconstrued. Then there was an event that made me feel mistrusted and disrespected by someone very close to my heart. With all of these events the common factor was me. It made me think that there was something about me that caused me to feel betrayed, misunderstood, disrespected. The mind loves to lay blame and take me on guilt trips as this only strengthens the ego.

I spent hours contemplating over this - not on the events themselves - but on my feelings and thoughts. I prayed fervently that I see the light and then one night as I sat in silent meditation I 'heard' it. I had lost control over my mind. It was the instability of the mind that made it appear like all of this was about me. It was not. With every event and every person I had been true to myself. I was being me. How someone else saw me was independent of me. How then was I betrayed, misunderstood or disrespected? Why does it matter how they looked upon me when I know that I was true to my nature? I am perfect as I am - a child of God just like those who judge me. They are and I am. That is the only truth. My perception of their judgment of me is just as immaterial as their judgment of me - both are unreal and independent of the Ultimate Truth that is unchangeable. I love all of my judges and thank them for being my teachers on my journey to finding this beautiful Child of God.

I have taken a long step towards knowing me better. The drama is fun to watch. I can play life as I watch it for as long as I do not become attached to my role in it. I am an actor with a beautiful costume, expensive jewelry, state of the art make-up - but even more fun is knowing that my part in this drama is all a game and when one game is over I can go to the next with a new set of costumes completely unaffected by my previous role. That is the strength of my very soul. I have identified the essential Truth - the Knowing, Pure, Loving, Peaceful, Happy, Strong, Powerful Me. This identity brings Stability of the mind and makes it possible to be in this world and not become part of it. Spectating life is truly blissful.

All of Me

2009-12-08T21:53:00.012-05:00

I have a hidden dark side too. The one that is capable of anger, lies, hatred, jealousy, fear, and many other emotions that are available to mankind. Yes I am capable of all that, given the right set of circumstances. What a shocker. Here I was thinking I am this perfect Bliss and Joy and then I was prompted to ask if I could experience anger or frustration again. At first I laughed and said, "No way." I know now that I have control over my mind and I can choose to think positive even if things are not going the way I wish. Life is not about me and my wants and desires. There are so many justifications for not falling into negative thought processes. But this was not how I always was - this is a learned quality and so it is only a part of who I am at my core. I cannot deny the other side of me. In the privacy of my home I do get angry and frustrated and downright bitchy.

My fear now is not that others will not approve of me but that I have an ego that will take me away from my path to spiritual oneness with all. My fear is that I will be the one who judges and separates others from me. My ego and I are still struggling with the idea of who I really am. I am not my body, mind and intellect. Body, mind and intellect are mine. It is like me identifying myself as the clothes I wear instead of identifying that the body is wearing the clothes. This shift in consciousness is difficult to hold on to without daily practice. I 'know' that this body-mind-intellect is a sheath and that the divinity I am is who I really am but without that vision constantly in my experience it is difficult to stay focused.

I am neither positive nor negative - these words describe my thoughts. These thoughts are definitely influencing my behavior but do not define the Me that is Pure Consciousness. It means that Joy and Anger co-exist in my mind and that they both deserve to be embraced. As long as I see these emotions as separate and different from one another I see me and others as different too. I may be less angry today because I see the folly of anger but it is still a part of my psyche. I still enjoy being joyful more than I enjoy being angry or sad. This degree of more and less is a figment of my imagination. Stability of the mind is the order of the day and I must learn to recognize that both are emotions and both are part of the same spectrum and neither can have a lasting effect on me. What lasts is my equanimity because at any given moment everything is stable and eternal. The off and on of this field of vibration that is the world is eternal and completely unaffected by my ups and downs of emotions. My perception is what makes things appear up and down, good and bad, right and wrong. Up, down, good, bad, right, wrong all bring their gifts with them. All I have to do is open myself up to the gifts and receive them with equanimity.

Debbie Ford's books are an eye opener into the darker side of me. Even if I cannot associate my present behaviors with emotions like anger, jealousy, spite and revenge what is to say they were not part of me in the past and will not be part of me if the circumstances are conducive? An interesting concept to say the least. Acquired qualities that I may have hidden are still mine. My conscious recognition of these emotions and of negative thoughts are necessary for me to be able to acknowledge and accept them. I must reconcile myself to the absolute fact that I am made of every possible emotion, thought and feeling that is - how else can I claim to be One with all. If I separate the bad from the good then I must separate me from the others - there can never be separation where there is Oneness - and Oneness is Real, separation a dream.

I am a peaceful, loving, blissful soul but I am also a violent, hating, indifferent, mean, sad soul. One is not better than the other - they belong together and must be accepted as is. I AM. There are no conditions to it. You too ARE - no conditions. I not only have to be able to see this, acknowledge this and accept this - I must also LOVE this. I can only BE if and when I am complete. I live in the world of duality and have learned to differentiate good from bad, right from wrong but that is not how it is. Everything just is - no labels no qualitative differences allowed.

So who am I? I am a Perfect Soul. I have permission to have all emotions, all feelings, all thoughts and they are all perfect too. So I am Joyful, Blissful, Loving, Sorrowful, Angry, Jealous, Kind, Mean, Sweet, Bitchy, and whatever else I and you can possibly be capable of - infinite and eternal. I AM ME.

My Relationship with Me

2009-12-05T10:55:00.005-05:00

Now that life is no longer about the approval of those around me I am beginning to understand the tenets of relationships clearly. The one and only relationship that is of any value is the one with my True Self. All other relationships are based on values that are mutually workable for those within the relationship. The relationship with myself though is based only on Truth. Truth about the inherent Me and all other beings. The vibration that makes me and every being around me tick. The vibration I put out there is the vibration reflected back at me.

This is a beautiful revelation. This morning I had the opportunity to deal with a few people and found out the joy that comes out of being in the presence of Oneness. I was dealing with a government official who looked quite grumpy when I got to his counter. He was short in his greeting and demanding and demeaning in his tone. I was determined to treat him with the softness and respect I expected from him and so I smiled and spoke softly, gently, with love, and without fear. The man seemed to change in an instant to a benevolent helpful gentleman. It was amazing because the moment my aggressive husband spoke to him the man's demeanor changed and the moment I spoke he softened again. It was as if magic dust was in the air. I love it.

Well it is easier to do with strangers, though, than it is with some people I know. I need to consciously make an effort with them. In these relationships there seem to be too many conditions already in place and changing this will take effort - from my end. Every established relationship outside the one with myself has two major conditions - trust and respect. In all aspects of my relationships with family and friends these two factors are always at play. The moral fabric is what the trust is based on. This could be about speaking the truth, being faithful, about money or any aspect that is important to the relationship. Unless there is complete trust it is impossible to develop respect and without mutual respect a relationship can never be sound. The ups and downs of relationships are conditional upon the trust the two people involved have in all aspects of a relationship.

In a marriage both partners must be true to themselves and with each other. There must be set rules between them about how they will deal with different issues like children, finances, extended family and friends, career, home, religion and more. These rules need not be set in stone but a change in rules must require mutual discussions and consent. A marriage requires a 100 to 100 partnership - both partners giving a 100% of themselves to the relationship. One does not dominate the other, one does not lead the other by a leash. Each partner has their responsibilities for the purpose of convenience and there can and will be crossovers in responsibilities. Spouses can have disagreements and yet have a relationship that only grows in love and respect if only they treat each other the way they would want to be treated by the other. Needling each another, insulting each another, ridiculing each other, being condescending and controlling each other can only end up in a parting of ways. A tragedy that can only be avoided if each is willing to get into the mind of the other and feel their pain, their joy and their love and be willing to trust and respect their feelings. Each partner must be True to themselves, be an embodiment of Love and be fearless of one another, for a marriage to be heavenly. Both have to accept that they are One with the Universe and therefore absolute Bliss is possible between them no matter how different each is in the physical realm.

Between a parent and an adult child too mutual trust and respect is paramount. Unless I can trust and respect my child I cannot expect to be trusted and respected. This trust is not determined by social norms - this trust is about my treatment of my child as an independent individual with a mind of his own. My child is One with the Universe like I am - his beliefs and ways may be different - but his Truth and my Truth is the same and therefore I trust and respect him both as an individual and as a part of the Universal fabric. We do not have to agree about anything and yet the Love we share is comparable to the bliss that I have within the relationship I have with myself.

In a relationship with the Self all that is needed is the acknowledgment that this relationship is unconditional. Truth is not a condition - it is the relationship. My relationship with myself is the fabric of my happiness. When I am true to myself I am happy. My truth may not make anyone else happy but that is immaterial - since the only one that I have to live with till the end of time is myself. Marriages and other relationships may be 'made in heaven' but to keep them heavenly requires effort. My relationship with Me is effortless, personal and absolutely blissful. To hell with the rest of you. Take me as I am or leave me to myself - I ain't compromising anymore. Naive, stupid, too kind, gullible, obese, a snob, spendthrift, stingy, intimidating, any other words that describe me in your vocabulary? Use them if you will - I know I am none of those things - I am what makes me tick - I am Silence, Love, Abundance, Joy, Bliss, Truth, GOD. I am ME.

From Pain to Humility

2009-12-02T22:39:00.010-05:00

The path traversed respecting the human side of me has often times been one filled with pain, hurt, anger, confusion and a sense of wonderment at what life is about. I have always been aware that these experiences were superficial, transient ones but I could not see anything deeper. Life was about everyday stuff - home, family, money, work, friends, things, relationships and more. I was sometimes joyful, sometimes not. I never went out consciously looking for joy or sorrow - they just happened to me. Even in joy there was fear of it not lasting long enough. Life just happened. My mind was my master and I was it's dog on a leash. I went wherever it took me.

Painful life experiences never shook me up deeply. There was a sense of resigned acceptance that life was about unpredictable pain filled events I had to experience in the span of time spent here on earth. I had not asked to be born - I was given birth to. Now I was left to fend to unpredictable life experiences - how unfair is that? Happiness was a myth and so I just sailed along letting experiences happen to me.

This insensitive, unintelligent, and disconnected way of living made it possible for people, events and things to dominate my existence. The more I let them rule over me the more powerless I became. The inherent nature of my being never got the chance to express it's glory. Over the years of living this way I felt myself getting depleted of my confidence, self respect and self esteem. I became adept at hiding these shortages but deep within me I knew I was degrading rapidly. Unbeknown to me this journey was also revealing the true secrets of happiness to me.

Many a times when one is cornered a sense of desperation makes one do something that is apparently uncharacteristic to break out of the dark into the light. I found myself cornered by my own life choices and to escape that wretched place I reverted back to one of my most loved activities - reading. Fiction is what I started with and insidiously moved towards self improvement and eventually into the realm of Spirituality. Words of some great Western Spiritual Teachers opened up a new world to me. They spoke in a language I understood. The Hindu Scriptures are rich but they are in a language that does not penetrate my being. Even the translations in English are too flowery for my understanding. The English language has the capacity to express the most complicated concepts in the simplest terms. The Spiritual Teachers of today have used the language beautifully. Once these terms began to make sense my life experiences became my most revered teacher. The tenets of any Scripture whether from the East or the West are inherently ageless and come from the same Source and so the Gate to Heaven opened wide.

Today I no longer believe that life happens to me - life now happens for me. I was not given birth to - I was given birth for.... My true purpose is clear now that I recognize this. To have this human form gives me the opportunity to experience my divinity. My place in this world is to love myself and others unconditionally. This requires me to be completely void of ego. It means being humble.

True humility frees me from focusing on me, whereas a low self-opinion tended to focus my attention on myself. My pain, my hurt, my anger is now surrendered to God and all my attention is on the Omnipresent. Petty things, ideas, words do not have room in my thoughts but more importantly petty words and ideas thrown out at me ricochet away from me. This requires my concentrated effort since I am habituated to let it affect me adversely. Today I recognize that it is upto me to keep my thoughts only on the Omnipresent even within the pettiness and it passes without causing ripples. This surrendering is what keeps me humble without being humiliated. It is this humility that takes me away from pride and despair and lets me be me. Who cares what anyone else thinks of me? Their opinions never did and never can define me.

I am learning to say 'Thank you' to pettiness and to pain and surrendering my ego to thoughts about the Love of God - the Omnipresent impersonal God that is humble enough to forgive all my trespasses and lead me gently and lovingly to my own Divinity. All I do is offer myself in humility and release myself from the bonds of pain.

From Silence to Omnipresence

2009-11-27T09:55:00.012-05:00

There is so much to learn. When does one start putting the lessons to practice? Reading and listening to Spiritual Leaders can be addictive since there is a sense of 'feeling good' in their words. The challenge is putting the lessons to use while living in the world. The Oneness Experiment by James Twyman and Anakha Coman makes it possible to practice what I have learned over the last many years. The experiment has shown me the presence of Oneness in every event, thing and person I have encountered over the last 3 weeks. The experiment has helped me understand the power of my own thoughts and feelings in very practical ways. Every breath, every sight, every touch, every thought is a step on my journey towards knowing the Eternal Spirit better and recognizing it as the omnipresence it is.

For many years I claimed not to have time to meditate. Meditation then meant sitting in silence for a period of time and concentrating or focusing on a name or a light or a thought. Today everything is a meditation - if I choose to make it so. Remaining present in the moment is really what meditation is. Cooking, cleaning, writing, bathing, reading, watching TV, conversing - everything I do becomes a meditative state if I can remain fully attentive to what it is I am doing. Breathing - every single moment even when I am sitting down doing nothing - is a life experience if only I acknowledge it for what it is. I write, read, clean with a sense of enjoyment and it becomes valuable, with a sense of boredom and it becomes boring, with a sense of dislike and it becomes painful, with a sense of non-involvement and I remain oblivious to it. It becomes that which I bring of myself to it. Why then should I not choose to bring my entire self to the task with gusto and make every moment of my life a series of fireworks that light up my world? As I sit here writing this piece I look around me and there is so much to do, fold the laundry, clear the sink, do the cooking, sweep the kitchen, do the groceries, pay the bills, call my children - and yet I am sitting back enjoying writing without the tasks bothering me. When I am done with my writing I will take on the next task and enjoy that one too. I can choose to sit and fret about the pending tasks as I write - that would mean losing out on the pleasure in writing. So I choose to acknowledge the tasks and continue to write and enjoy every word as it floats out of my mind into my fingers and onto the screen. I bring all of me into my writing and that becomes my meditation for this moment.

The challenge is dealing with people - especially the ones who are on a different wavelength than I find myself in. I have found that the best way to deal with them is to remain fully present in their presence. I do not have to participate in conversations on subjects that do not excite me as much as it excites them - but I can choose to be fully present without being judgmental about them or their words. That is all that is required for me to be in a meditative state even in the presence of others. Imagine - meditating with your eyes wide open and seeing the goodness of others glow out of them as they speak. It is very exalting - once I have stopped judging their appearance and their words. This takes time - my habit of years, of forming opinions first must be curbed and I must rewind and accept the person and their words as a reflection of Spirit - the one that is omnipresent.

Life becomes a string of beautiful moments even when circumstances appear difficult. Acknowledging and accepting a circumstance's 'isness' and relaxing in its glory makes me its observer, and so its master. Every circumstance, material or person comes into my life for me as my friend, my lover and I befriend and love it in return and the heart stops pumping so hard, the sweat in the palms dry up, the butterflies in the stomach stop fluttering and a peace infused moment fills me with joy again. Acceptance of a moments 'isness' empowers me and it loses its power over me. It is as if I am in a race that I presumed was a sprint only to find after I left the starting post that it was a hurdle race. What would I do then - stop at the hurdle and cry over it? No, I would jump and clear the hurdle with the force that is needed to do so. Why then should life hurdles not be handled the same way? Why then should I not call up that unlimited strength inherent in me, to clear the hurdle and move on?

Omnipresence is no longer a concept for me. Omnipresence is an experience. It is what Oneness is all about. It is an inclusiveness with everyone and everything that brings a lightness to life, it illuminates even the darkest moments. Every moment is infused by the Omnipresent and so it is perfect. Basking in the presence of the Omnipresent is truly Glorious.

I give Thanks.

2009-11-26T11:44:00.004-05:00

Everytime I hear someone wishing me Happy Thanksgiving; everytime I see an e-mail or a post with best wishes for Thanksgiving I smile at how commercial every such event is. What do I mean when I wish someone 'Happy Thanksgiving?' Just that they enjoy the day, eating turkey or tofu or lamb or anything they prefer to today with family and friends? Or am I giving thanks that they are in my life? If I think about it - and I mean really contemplate - then it is that I am grateful that they are in my life. Over the years I stopped reflecting on emotions and feelings and became more about people. I moved outwards when really I should have gone inwards. Feelings are what I am about. Good feelings make me feel better - not 'good people.' I have always believed (and often been ridiculed for believing) that we are all inherently good. Today I am convinced that my belief is a hundred percent true. It is upto me to remain focused on the good in everyone I deal with every moment. Holding on to a good feeling is what makes an experience good - immaterial who I am sharing that experience with.

Gratitude for any thing, event or person raises the vibration to elation; which raises the vibration to bliss. Remaining in the gratitude mode keeps me in bliss. This habit I have formed of judging and comparing leaves very little room for gratitude. I have practiced judging long enough now I choose to practice gratitude and I find I am smiling more often, have developed a higher level of patience, and am enjoying each moment with gusto. My true nature is one of happiness, peace, love and gratitude. How do I know this? It is in these emotions that I feel connected to myself and others. When I am angry, suspicious, doubtful, sad, I feel disconnected from myself. When I look back and think about events, things and people that have caused me pain in the moment they came into my life I realize that each of those had something good in them that only surfaced after - sometimes long after - they were gone. I now make conscious effort to remain non-judgmental and reach into myself to accept the so called good and bad and just accept everything at face value. An event is just that, an event - it may bring me joy or sorrow at that moment but inherently there is good within the event. Every moment is a perfect moment if I choose to look upon it as a perfect moment.

I choose to be grateful for my life - moment by moment. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Listening to the Universe's Personal Messengers

2009-11-21T21:22:00.004-05:00

I am so fortunate to have access to this wonderful experiment that James Twyman and Anakha Coman are sponsoring. The experiment is called The Oneness Experiment and is based on a book that the two have written called The Proof. I would like to suggest that anyone who is on a spiritual path take the opportunity to get the book and use it as one of your guides on your path.

On Saturday I was also privileged enough to listen in on a conference call that James and Anakha conduct every week. This week's special guest was Neale Donald Walsch of The Conversations With God fame. There is a recording of the call at www.jamestwyman.com Click on The Proof on the right. Listen to Conference Call #3 if you wish to hear his absolutely marvelous message. It is inspiring and useful insight even for those of us who are struggling with questions about life.

James, Anakha and Neale are messengers that will help take us to that next level. They have touched my soul. Thank you God for Everything.

From Silence to Love

2009-11-20T06:13:00.000-05:00

"A strong positive emotion of regard and affection" - is a dictionary definition for Love. Somewhere in the process of a lifetime Love is expressed as many emotions - not always positive and not always of regard or affection. The sound of the word has a positive feel to it but the emotion behind it may be one of lust, greed, power, possessiveness, jealousy, security and many other unpleasant emotions. Pure Love must be unconditional - only then will it be the strong positive emotion of regard and affection that the definition talks about. Love with a string attached has different names.

The one condition Love cannot have is that of selfishness. 'I love because' - will necessarily have a self serving string attached to it. This conditional love can change to hate, fear and even indifference very easily. All that it requires is my interest to be jeopardized and love flies right out. A lasting love is a non-judgmental one. Love has regard for its loved one even when there is wrong doing not because love is blind, not because love is tolerant, but because love is compassionate, love is accepting, love is inclusive, love is respectful, love is expansive.

Love comes from the inner depth of silence. Love requires no verbal expression. The energy of love is strong and positive and a loving touch can be electrifying, a loving gaze can make the heart race or tears brim over. True love can be felt even in the absence of a loved one. This love never fades. A veil may hide it and make it appear hazy but a love that has tasted that depth is nothing but everlasting. It is very much like the love a mother feels for her child or the love between lovers - the ones who know that theirs is a love of many lifetimes. When the eyes of true lovers meet they speak in a language that is indecipherable to anyone else. A mother can look into her child's eyes and know his emotions without asking a single question. This language of love can be spoken through a touch or a gaze or by just being present without the exchange of words. "I love you," is being shouted out in every nuance of love.

In the West where the weather was harsh and allowed for short harvesting season man was looking at mastering the nature outside. Science and technology owes its discoveries to this search of the Western cultures. Today the West has mastered and has outdone Mother Nature to live in luxury even under the harshest conditions. In the pursuit that started off as a need to survive, man has lost his sense of Self. The senses and the ego have slowly edged the spirit out. The outward expression of love - words, actions, things - have become necessary to prove an emotion that has the infinite capacity of carrying its own eternal energy.

In the East the land was fertile, the weather was perfect and men had the luxury of delving inwards to master their own true nature. They discovered the silent language of love that can be expressed simply by being Present and available. There was no need for words and gifts. Love was life, love was who they were. As the world got smaller due to scientific and technological advances and the boundaries of the East and West got thinner there was an exchange of ideas that for a short period of time diluted the awareness of love being life.

Delving deep into the silence I have discovered that hearing and saying the words "I love you," are the best ways for us to start getting in touch with that energy. The three little words need to be uttered with the energy that touches the soul. The love needs to be felt before the words are uttered and then the weight of the words reduce till they will no longer need to be uttered. Silence is a beautiful language and deserves its place in our lives again.

I suggest expanding the definition of Love to be - "An unconditional strong positive energy of regard and affection." I remind myself that Love is expressed as an emotion but is in reality the vital energy of life itself. From the depths of Silence, Love expresses itself as a glow that envelops us all.

From Silence to Happiness

2009-11-16T10:19:00.008-05:00

An AAHAA moment - True Happiness is possible only when it is Unconditional. All other feelings of happiness are transient. I have often heard of and even felt "unconditional love" towards others - but have questioned its veracity in my life since this love is directed towards people I know. This love came from a capacity to forgive and to accept that they have perspectives different from mine. Sometimes if there was 'wrong doing' I loved inspite of it. And so by virtue of the love being qualifiable it somehow lost its capacity to be unconditional. Then there is the love I feel for those who I may not know and who may not know me but whose troubles I know about. I feel for them and I send out blessings towards them - there is a sense of compassion in this love. Again this is love because they are in need. What I really want to be able to feel is love that is flowing outwards all the time. No judgments, no sizing people out, no first appearances or anything like that.

Then last night as I listened to a spiritual guru it dawned on me that it is not only love that needs to be unconditional it is Happiness. My happiness comes from within me and is therefore completely in my control. My definition of happiness though is based on my belief system - something that I have developed from the first moments I got associated with the physical world. My divinity remains untouched by these belief systems but my human side is acutely affected by them.

When I can go back to my core - my divinity - and look out through my mind's eye I can see that my happiness is measured by how I FEEL. When I feel good I am happy when I feel bad I am unhappy. When life goes the way I believe it should I am happy when it does not I am unhappy. There are degrees to this happiness and that too I gauge by my feeling-o-meter. Feelings come from past experiences of pain and pleasure that helped develop and establish beliefs. These beliefs have mostly misaligned me from my True Self. Whether a feeling is a good one or a bad one it comes from a belief that is mostly biased. The play of duality is what has established my beliefs. How I, the Authentic Me, sees something is often different from how my ego sees things. My opinions and views must not only be expressed they must also be understood and accepted for me to feel good. This is conditional happiness. This is the kind of fleeting happiness my little I is yearning for.

A friend ignores me and this makes me unhappy. Where does this feeling come from? If I examine this feeling I can justify my unhappiness because I believe I can expect my friend to be true to my friendship. My happiness is dependent on my expectation of reciprocal feelings towards me. My friendship was therefore conditional upon her feelings towards me. Unconditional friendship means that I am a friend because I love her and get pleasure from caring about and for her. Then whether or not she considers me a friend becomes immaterial. If and when she needs me, wants me, remembers me I am there for her. She may have kicked me to the curb but I never got to the curb - I stayed at her door. The pleasure I got from the friendship still holds true, for in my heart is the knowing that my love for her is unchanged. The kind of love a truant dog has for its master - how soulful and touching is that love? It is complete all on its own - independent of anything else there is. This love is independent of who she is and completely dependent on who I AM. How then can I be unhappy?

My belief system and my feelings are intertwined and when I examine my feelings and disentangle them from my beliefs the picture that comes through helps me align myself to my authentic feelings and therefore makes it possible for me to go back to my Source - my Divine Self. Feeling unhappy or sad or angry is considered 'normal' simply because I have developed a belief that it is so. What I forgot was that these feelings are only a mechanism to measure my beliefs which I must then consciously and continuously tweak. Instead of brooding over, crying, complaining and regretting, thus becoming unhappier, if I examine the feelings and figure out which misaligned beliefs they are coming from I can choose to correct them for future reference. This applies for happy feelings too. All happy feelings are not essentially in tune with the Authentic Me.

A friend praises me for my kindness and compassion towards her. I feel proud of myself and happy that she is so appreciative of me. Here like in the previous example my happiness is conditional upon my expectation that my feelings be reciprocated. This too is being decided by my misaligned belief that my happiness is dependent on her appreciating all I do. Like in the previous case my happiness to be unconditional must be independent of her response to me. There too I am at her door even if she has placed me on her dinner table. My love for her is independent of the meal she treats me to.

Beliefs that arouse opposite sets of feelings are ones that must be changed. I must remain stable under all circumstances. The emotions that arise whether they be elation or sorrow, love or anger, fear or indifference must all be used to bring myself to that plain where there are no bumps either way. Feelings will arise from moment to moment and every feeling deserves expression but every feeling also deserves attention. I must use my feeling-o-meter and bring myself to my core to find the stability that comes from my inner happy being. The happiness within me is complete on its own - I am complete within myself. People, circumstances, events will come and go and as they do so they will leave their mark on my ego self and on my beliefs, feelings and thoughts but if I can get myself back to the equilibrium and remain true to my Authentic Self being loving, compassionate and giving, Bliss will be mine.

From Silence to Creation

2009-11-13T09:31:00.004-05:00

The time has been well spent. Just 'being' in Silence has proven the futility of constantly doing. Having given myself the opportunity to go into those spaces in my mind which bring inspirational thoughts I have discovered some fabulous secrets that were hitherto known but not believed by me.

There have been many moments in my life when I have successfully 'predicted' events of the future. I now realize that those were not predictions of events that were already fated - they were events that I co-created simply by raising my vibrations that necessitated those events. I vividly remember some of the moments when the so called predictions were made. The first one that comes to mind is one where my husband and I were in Bombay traveling along a known road in an auto-rickshaw. He had for years dreamt of working outside the country. A desire he had very often shared with me. That evening too he was deriding his luck about not having any of his dreams fulfilled - a very common way in which he usually expresses his deepest desires. At the spur of the moment I said he should stop despairing as soon his dream would be fulfilled. He clung on to those words and wanted me to tell him where he thought he would be going. At this time his sights were set on Europe and the US. Am not sure what it was that prompted me but I looked at him and very determinedly announced he would be going to Africa. We both laughed as neither of us were even aware at this time that Africa was a place to find work in. For some reason we both carried that thought with us and often talked about it jokingly but as if it were true. Sure enough within a couple of months a gentleman he had never met or heard of before offered him an opportunity to work in Nairobi and six months later my husband was working in Africa.

Since then I have often wondered why such major predictions have not come my way. Now I realize that giving in to the vagaries of life and living in the company of pessimists is not very conducive to inspiration unless one can consciously practice raising ones vibration. It is not that life gives rise to the various feelings I have - it is I who creates my life experiences with my deepest feelings. This is a great discovery and one that has come from time spent in meditation, contemplation and writing with abandon.

The first part of becoming a creator of experiences is easier than the next part, though. Expressing a desire is easy - but doing so without resisting it is not. Remember asking is supposed to be showing greed which is not what ladies should be doing. Oh dear - what a sure shot way of crumbling creation right at the start. Allowing a desire to be fulfilled requires me to bask in the thought and feelings it rouses. Instead I tend to find reasons why the desire will not or cannot be fulfilled. It is only the desires that flow through me unhindered that manifest themselves. This requires me to give in to my desires without feeling guilty about wanting it or letting my intelligence decide that it is not possible to achieve. The previous sentences are the ways I should avoid thinking. All thought must always have a positive connotation. Reconstructed the sentence reads - "This requires me to give in to my desires knowing I deserve everything I dream of and believing that with the seed planted, the Universe is in the process of letting it blossom." Both sentences say the same thing - one brings a frown to my face the other a smile. It is the smile that eventually makes dreams come true.

The joke is on me. I have read about these principles of abundance often enough but since I never acknowledged this to be true in its entirety I denied myself the pleasures of fulfilled dreams for many years. Now I am in the process of re-training my brain - the one that is controlled by my ego. I am constantly watching my thoughts and training myself to think without resistance no matter what. I know I can create my own dreams - now I am in the process of letting them in.

From Fear to Love - God by God

2009-11-10T08:00:00.000-05:00

I came into this world not wanting to - crying as if in excruciating pain. Yet it is how I first breathed 'life' into my being. From that moment I entered the realm of duality - of pain and pleasure. Suckling my mother's breast I learned to attach myself, to want, to have, to like and to dislike. I lost my divinity little by little and soon I forgot that I am divine. The human side of me was not just predominant it was as if that was all I was. Not that being human is all bad but I learned and developed traits that were conducive to living a materialistic lifestyle devoid of spiritual depth.

I could have lived a life exemplifying my divinity but my environment was not attuned to it. I come from religious parents. I was raised to believe in God - a physical God. This God resided outside me. He was meant to be feared, to be revered, to be worshiped from afar. If I sinned He would punish me like He punished so many of the poor, destitute, sick and physically and mentally challenged I saw all around me. I remember as a child seeing a deaf and dumb young girl in a park. The sounds that came from her throat made me afraid. I asked why she was unable to speak and was told that she had been punished by God in this life because she must have lied in her last. I was terrified. I went home that day and told my mother about every lie I could remember having uttered in my 6 years of life on this earth. The sensation that went through my body for days after still makes me shudder.

In India leprosy was rampant as I was growing up. The stigma attached to the disease made it impossible for sufferers to live at home, or to even seek treatment. They resorted to begging on the streets. Again my understanding then was that God had punished them for sins committed in a previous life. How is it possible to think about divinity when there is fear of punishment from the Divine in the forefront of an innocent mind? What was worse was that there was the potential that I could have sinned in my previous life and so a punishment was waiting for me. Everytime I saw or heard of suffering I cringed.

As I grew up the punishing God never let up. He punished us all the time. God became someone to fear and in that respect He was real. Bowing down to Him everyday I only prayed that He not punish me. When I did wrong knowingly or realized I had done wrong I watched to see what the punishment was going to be about. Thinking back I realize what a waste of time that was. If instead of thinking, "Be careful, God is watching," I had thought, "God is kind and is watching over me," things may have been different.

As a child I was surrounded by books that made no sense. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda seemed like Latin then. I was coming at it from an angle that was contrary to what Swamiji spoke about and so the words seemed completely foreign. I never quite understood what 'Knowing Myself' was all about. Who knew me better than me? I was this horrible mass of mistakes who deserved to be punished, what more was there to know? I was really an innocent, confused, scared little girl who never mastered the art of reading between the lines.

I come from a loving home where I was doted on and given all the comforts of life. This material world was the only world I knew and life was about having things and comforts. I saw poverty and suffering from afar and was afraid. This was God's punishment and I had to escape His wrath. I was fortunate to have a good family and be well provided for but I could lose these anytime. That is where I got this burning need to be liked - if everyone liked me God had to like me too, right? After all He was this man sitting in the altar. He had been seen by people who wrote about Him and His teachings that my parents read from regularly. So if others liked me I could convince Him that I was likable. He would definitely see that.

The other myth about my God was that I was never to ask anything of Him. That was being greedy. He would give me all I needed. Be grateful for what you have. Look at the ones who have less than you do. Consider yourself blessed and never ask for more. What a terrible myth to believe in. It created a scarcity mentality that is hard to overcome. The infinite abundance of the Universe was hidden from me for years. I deprived myself of so much simply because I was afraid to receive everything the Universe wanted to give me. The omnipresent God was absent from material things. To believe in this oxymoron was unintelligent but everything is possible with God. It was therefore sinful to want anything. My relationship with God was one of Fear, Punishment, Scarcity, and eventually Abandonment. No wonder I work so hard to be liked.

Today my relationship with God is different. My Personal God still sits in my altar - He is my habit. I have an impersonal God the one who loves me and watches over me and guides me towards liberation from fear, punishment, scarcity and abandonment. The one who shows me how wonderful this gift of life is and how much I can achieve and have by just being. Liberation or Moksha is no longer about becoming one with an unknown entity after death, it is about being free from attachments in this life. It is about recognizing the transience of this life and this world and living each moment in its fullest - free. It is about not giving in to bullying, emotional blackmailing and manipulation by anyone - free. It is about loving me, for I like every other animate object am one with the Universe - free. I can have what I want when I want and enjoy it for as long as I want to- free. What is mine is mine because I want it to be mine not because some God above wants it to be mine. What a freeing thought. I am responsible for everything I have had, have and will ever have. My body, my home, my relationships, my work everything is because I am and when I have left this body the memories of these wonderful gifts will be mine to carry forward even if I physically leave them behind. I do not need to prove my worthiness to receive - I have because I choose to have.

This is a benevolent God. One who blesses me with everything I desire. There are no taboos, no limits, no restrictions. This is the God within me who I have complete access to at all times. This God is my being and my consciousness and is connected to every other being and consciousness and is an observer of everything I think and do. Every thought and action has a consequence and it is a predictable one - but it is not unique to me. Everything that is happening around me is a consequence of every other action and thought that this infinite Universe had, has and will have. Destiny is not determined by the Big Man in the sky. We are responsible for the cumulative destiny of the Universe and the microcosmic destiny of each of us. Karmaphal is determined by each action and thought being thrown out there and therefore being attached to the fruits of our actions is futile. Unless we can all tap into the Universal Mind, the Universal Intellect we are better off leading a life serving, sharing with, helping each other with compassion and love. The only way we can ensure a beautiful tomorrow is by making today beautiful.

The air I breathe is the air everyone else breathes - the one that is not just molecules of gas but life itself. This life is common to us all and is the string that keeps us tied to each other. This Life this God this Universe this Truth this Breath this Moment are all one and the same thing. This journey to coming to this understanding is a step towards experiencing, realizing and living it. It will take a lot of unlearning and relearning before it will become a habit - the one to replace the habit of my Personal God sitting on my altar who I still bow down to with reverence. It is only through His teachings and guidance that this journey has been possible.

This is my journey from Fear of Abandonment to Unconditional Love from my Personal God to my Universal God. Thank you God for Everything.

Baba - White Sheep

2009-11-03T08:00:00.000-05:00

November 3rd each year is a black day in my calendar. 34 years ago today I lost my Baba to brain cancer. He was 52 and suffered for 6 weeks of which 3 were thankfully spent in a coma. The end was recognized as the heaving of his chest stopped as the sun set that evening. It was the day after Kali Pujo. There were fireworks being lit all around us but I was oblivious to the sights and sounds of that evening. The evening was a haze midst a houseful of people. A stunned silence and then agonizing cries from friends and family were heard off and on all evening long. Yet there was a sense of extreme relief for me - I no longer needed to worry about Baba dying. This relief outshone any grief I may have felt over my loss. For years I had worried about his passing. For as long as he was outside the home I worried that he would not come back - that he would die and leave me.

When I was eight I watched my sister who was 13 have an epileptic seizure as she played ball with her classmates. She passed out and never recovered. That was my first contact with abandonment. I saw my parents despair over the loss of their child. I could not quite relate to what all the fuss was about. She had seizures and slept for hours after, almost every day. It was only later that I realized that there were to be no more seizures and that it was time for me to be attended to. It felt good.

Baba poured all his attention on me and my brother who was seven years older than me, a teenager who did not want to be doted on. I on the other hand was ready for all the attention Baba could shower on me. Then three years later when Dada left home for Calcutta I had arrived. In the next precious few years I became princess.

Baba was a big man - tall, broad and big hearted. To the rest of the world he was a Bengal Tiger. At work and amongst our friends and family he was to be handled with care. He was highly disciplined in his ways and expected everyone around him to be so too. Quite the perfectionist in everything he did and he did a lot. He was good at many things from repairing his Morris Minor and polishing it to a shine each weekend to embroidering a beautiful landscape on silk; from changing the light bulb to developing photographs in his dark room; from reciting the Gita to cleaning the toilets; from painting the walls to being a successful Homeopath - if he undertook a task he would do it well. He had a short temper, very little patience and loved to secretly gamble (horse racing to matka to playing the lottery). He was an extraordinary man from whom I learnt to love the written word. He insisted that I be proficient in the English language, that I be a career woman, that I be self dependent, and that I love with abandon. He told me often that he would leave me with a wealth of education and not a penny. "Inheritance is a curse," he would say, "And all I want to leave my children with are blessings."

His words as he lay a clean sheet on the bed (yes he was good at that too) "The way to a man's heart is through a well made bed and his stomach," still rings in my ears. I was about 14. Many a night after I had completed my school assignments I would lay down between my parents and he would read to us from Leo Tolstoy, Agatha Christie, Somerset Maugham and even the Encyclopedia Britannica. He loved to read both in Bengali and English but insisted that Bengali would come to me in good time, "Matribhasha to, theek shikhe jabe," (It is her native language - she will learn it in good time,) and so I should concentrate on the English language. His English was good but he had an accent that I enjoyed teasing him about. He took it all very sportingly.

He demanded attention simply by his presence. Maa had it hard. He expected his meals to be served on time and in a particular way. The thala (stainless steel plate) had to be shining clean, the food had to be piping hot, the water had to be poured just as he got to the table, and the food had to be perfect each day. Our home had to be spotless, the curtains had to be drawn open and shut at exactly the right time, Maa had to be perfectly dressed at all times and she had to be there when he needed her. She had to be his wife, his sister and the mother he never had all in one. In return he gave her his all. He adored her and made sure that she never lacked in any comforts. He showered her with his attention and spent quality time with her.

Your passing has left a space in me that can never be filled, Baba. I remember you often, in good times and bad. Most times my memories of you brings a smile to my face but on this day each year I shed a tear in your honor - you are my guiding light and all I do in life is a reflection of your direct influence on my life. Maa taught me many important life values and you taught me love. Today I am as old as you were when you left this world and I know I make you proud. Your absence from my life has made me acutely aware of your presence within my soul. I love you dearly. Rest In Peace. So long - till next time.

From Fear to Silence through Love

2009-10-26T09:48:00.009-04:00

I approach life from either a place of fear or one that has overcome fear. I am not sure if I ever approach life from a place of Love - yet. Fearlessness is not love but defiance within me. So whatever I undertake has an element of fear in it. The fear is mostly about whether or not I am living my life according to the norms that society, my culture, imposed values, or friends and family agree with. Inherent is this dependence on approval that I am always struggling with. The fear of death is so far away from my mind because the fear of being disapproved is always ahead of every other kind of fear there can be.

I am intellectually and to a certain extent even emotionally aware that I am immortal - that death does not mean non-existence and this motivates me to know the inner me better. Meditating, contemplating and writing helps me walk the path towards that goal. They take me to that spot within that reveals the workings of my mind and my capacity to deal with my thoughts. When I analyze the direction of my thoughts I become aware of the power of fear on them.

A quiet meditative state is the most peaceful for me. Letting my thoughts flow through, or drawing my thoughts back towards a center are both easily attainable. Sometimes I can even let my thoughts wander as I watch over them without getting attached to them. A dangerous game to be playing because slipping and letting them take over is precariously close. The frustration of coming out of a quiet meditative state and finding myself back in mental turmoil is very trying.

Writing is not as peaceful but watching the words as they appear on the screen is very fulfilling. It feels like an agitated meditation. The thoughts flow through me - but now they get expressed rather beautifully. Most times I am not aware which corner of my mind the thoughts are coming from. There is a sense of excited anticipation as I am not always aware of what the writing will be like. The peace comes after I am done with my first draft. In my writing I find many answers to questions I have been asking myself. It is like an exercise of peeling the large cluster of banana flowers. I have now learnt which part of the flowers I should keep and which part to discard and why. Most of the thoughts can be and are destructive to a healthy life. This peeling process is more productive in the sense that the mental turmoil can be kept out for a longer period of time.

It is in contemplation that I am aware of my fears. Analyzing my thoughts is an art I acquired a few years ago. It requires me to hold on to a thought and take it deeper without letting my mind wander to other unrelated thoughts. This is very similar to meditation except that I am now focusing on a series of thoughts and taking an active part in disseminating them.

The direction of my thoughts is dictated by fear. These fears have been derived from years of being a reactive thinker. I never learnt how to make decisions. Most life decisions were made per chance. There was rarely a logical thought process to decisions. It was only a few years ago that I recognized this weakness and have since made a conscious effort to define my own set of principles and values that make it possible for me to make better life decisions. One of the most basic principles is to be open minded and the second is to trust that we humans are inherently good - often unintelligent but good. One of the values I have established for myself is that life is not about being right - it is about being happy. Happiness is whatever I want it to be - it can be very transient if I let the outer world define it for me. Bliss is about choosing to be happy always. Bliss can only be achieved if I know my own permanence. If I busy myself with transient, material, ego defining activities without anchoring myself first happiness eludes me.

Fear of conflict, confrontation, being misunderstood, being misjudged, being disliked has ruled my thoughts for many years. An apparently happy stable childhood, in retrospect, appears to have been filled with events that were unsettling. The capacity to hide feelings from myself and others has made it impossible to even recognize my feelings now. Outward expression of feelings of love, passion, anger, hurt were considered taboo during my childhood. I was a replacement child who was apparently loved deeply - but was I loved for me or was I just an obsession of over protective parents? The unveiling of some childhood events and my reactions to them then and now make me wonder if the manifestation of suppression of emotions and feelings have caused the diabetes and the obesity. Some good friends have often pointed out that the apparent happy persona I project is a facade. I have laughed and emphasised that I have had and still continue to have a blessed life. I believed that too. I was the exception to the rule that repressed emotions cause stress related and immunological health challenges.

As I sit each day contemplating on Truth many relative truths show up on the screen of my mind. Usually they relate to more recent life events. I have to make a concerted effort to go farther back and delve into the depths of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. Once there a conflict arises between my memories and my feelings. That is when I would stop the process, get up and engage myself in other activities. Not anymore.

A best selling book about self healing has given me the courage to tackle the conflict and still feel safe and secure. It requires me to make affirmations - simple enough - not for me. Making positive affirmations that I can repeat through out the day is impossible when my mind refuses to cooperate. There is a sentence in the book that says " Your mind is a tool you can choose to use any way you wish." It brought a loud AHAA.. from me. Believe me when I say this is not a new concept to me but for some reason I never took control over my mind. Now I am retraining myself. I do a basic exercise each day - albeit a silly one but I do it anyways. There is a game called Scramble on Facebook. It is a grid of 25 letters (5X5) from which you can derive different words. The possibility is often in the hundreds. You can have 3 letter words and you can potentially go to 25 letter words. At first I played just to score as many points as possible and where the maximum score could be more than a thousand I managed to score around 80. NowI use this game to get my mind to look for 7 letter words or more only. This requires my mind to twist itself through the letters in many different directions since it is impossible to get 7 letters in one direction in a 5 by 5 grid. My mind resists even this exercise and refuses to look beyond a unidirectional line. It took more than 40 boards to find five 7+ letter words on a single board - even then these were mostly derivatives of the same word like (finished, finisher, finishes, refinish). Pathetic isn't it? My point is, that controlling my mind to stay open to possibilities requires concentrated effort. I find it easier to create a blank mind than to change a thought.

The world is a cruel place. Hmm.. how do I change that to a positive? For one stop watching the news, definitely do not watch soaps and do not indulge in gossip. Run away from life, I mean. Or I can choose to stop that thought and think, "I am safe and secure where I am and so are many others." After all, the whole world is not a cruel place. There are many kind people doing many kind acts all over the world. I can become one of those people and we can make a difference one person, one act, one moment at a time. I can refrain from joining in on a gossip session and walk away. I must keep my mind in check and watch over it. The fear of a cruel world whether it be the world at large or my immediate circle, whether it be a world of the past or of the now, can only cause more fear. This fear is in the mind. I am in no imminent danger and so I must control my mind and use it to overcome any and all fears. The understanding is evident the implementation needs practice.

I am choosing to spend a lot more time in contemplation because I need to go along this path to find the lasting silence within my mind. The fears must all be tackled before I can touch that inner Stillness in a meaningful way. I have traveled part of the path from fear to defiance. The rest of the journey from fearlessness to love into silence awaits me.

Replenishing Me

2009-10-21T09:37:00.006-04:00

Living through the vagaries of life I move on an inward journey. A solitary journey that is unique since there is neither anyone I know nor any strangers on this trip with me. The vehicle is my mind and in this vehicle is my own mind - the one I am only now discovering. It leads me along various paths and as I move forward I am oblivious to where I am being taken. This mind is full of secret cracks, crevices and caves and although it appears to be out in the open it is really hiding somewhere in a small hole from where it is watching everything happening around it and reacting according to its 'acquired nature.' The ride is not just interesting but rejuvenating. The cracks and crevices hold wonderful secrets that are liberating.

The choices I have made through my life have been based more on what I have learnt than what I truly want. The first thought that comes to mind with any task I undertake has been about how the outside world will react to the result. This world maybe one other person or a community. Sometimes it has been to impress others and often times it has been about not being looked down upon. It was about seeing myself through the eyes of others. I am aware of this trait, I have acknowledged that this is completely my trait and have also accepted that is how I behave. I now am attempting to raise myself out of this self defeating trait. Just to say I will not look at myself through the eyes of others is not enough. I have to relearn how to know me through myself. I am learning about my own true nature through my own likes and dislikes that arise intuitively. It is not easy to just give in to a feeling and not analyze it before saying or doing something. But to ascend the negative trait of comparison of my feelings against those of others I must begin to honor my intuition. It is a process I go through in my mind.

Social norms makes some demands from me - again it is not about what I want but more about what society demands. Someone is in the hospital undergoing surgery. I spend a few minutes each day saying a special prayer for her speedy pain free recovery. I care about her but I do not see the need for me to express this concern each day, or even disrupt her schedule by visiting her at the hospital. I do not need to know how she is doing each day. This is not about me - only about her. I know it is a surgery that will relieve her from years of pain and discomfort and I just want her to have a comfortable journey through this process. So I continue to pray but refuse to vie for her or her family's attention by calling, or visiting her. I have sent out my best wishes and my availability to help if I am needed. I feel good about my decision and so have sent out a positive energy into my environment.

I have found that those who really care do not demand my time. They know I care and am available. These are loving people with whom I can be me. Some great friends and my boys fall within this category. I have been physically away from my sons for a few years now. They live in a different country. I do not call them every day neither do they. I never expected them to do so. Yet I feel as closely connected to them today as I did when they were babies. Even though I do not know about their daily activities I 'know' everything about them. There is this sense of oneness with them. I know that if I had spent my time waiting for their calls this connection would have been weaker. It is the same with my good friends. We may not be in touch for months but when we need one another we pick up where we left off and simply move forward. They have my shoulder and my back and I do theirs! It is a deep connection that does not require any work to be maintained. It just is.

Through my life I have known many people with whom my connection is superficial. It is difficult to cultivate a lasting trust. This is a connection that is constantly being tugged at. I try to hold on when I should really just let go. I can love them and be there for them but these relationships require constant attention and are draining. They are vying for approval and are dissatisfying. It is best to leave such relationships for social good times. Going too deep with them eventually end up in disasters. They are easier to maintain for short stints of time only. My challenge is recognizing these relationships and differentiating them from the true ones. My belief that inherently everyone is good makes me move forward with every relationship trusting that it will be a true one. Then one day I get kicked to the kerb. I pick myself up and I move on. I am now learning to pull myself away before I get thrown out with the bath water. I continue to give of myself, hold them in my prayers and good wishes - from a distance. The kerb is not where I deserve to be.

I had learnt that being alone is a sad way to live life. I know now how untrue that knowledge is. Being alone can be joyous and fulfilling. The silence of being with oneself gives me the chance to reconnect with me. A connection that had been torn because of the din that I kept myself surrounded by. I reflected what others saw me as, instead of reflecting who I really am. I was more about my ego and less about my spirit. It is only with time spent with myself that I have recognized this. I am slowly reverting back to being one with me. The demands of others, their needs, their problems, and their sad stories at their convenience ruled my life. I hurt myself in the process. Now I am still available for others but only if I am ready and if it is possible for me to be there when they need me. If I do not feel replenished I do not give of myself anymore. When I give on an empty tank I feel I am being had. This is good for neither of us. There have been times when I gave too much and each time it was as if everything around me collapsed. They were good lessons to have learnt. I paid a hefty price but it was worth it simply because it has brought me closer to me than I have ever been before.

Replenishing the tank - this can only be done when I am alone. It is not about what I get from others just as being empty is not about what others get from me. This is all about what I do for me. Meditation, contemplation, writing, reading, these are activities that replenish me. When I do not give enough time and energy to these I drain myself. When I am surrounded by the presence of others be it through the telephone, the computer, TV or in person there is no time for these vital activities. The more time I spend in silence the more vibrant and energetic I feel and the more connected I am to myself. I choose to distance myself not to run away from others but to run towards me. I want to know more about me and less about the world out there for now. I recognize that when I know me I will have known the world too.

From Chaos to ...?

2009-10-14T06:47:00.000-04:00

Chaos and clutter seemed to be everywhere in my home. It was a reflection of my chaotic mind. Multitasking my way through life, I believed, was what kept everything around me running. I know now that the less I have, the less I do the more is achieved and more at peace I am.

I spent years working outside the home for financial abundance. I had many things but no time to enjoy them. The 29 large windows in my home that I dressed up with different shades I never raised to look outside; luxurious sheets that I never laid on my bed; china I never ate out of; rooms I never spent any quality time in are now all in the past. I built a 'successful' career, earned money and collected useless trinkets. I spent time keeping them safe and clean but never found a moment to appreciate them. There was very little time or energy left after running around trying to balance work, home, family, friends, and things. I gave up reading, writing, meditating so I could work, keep house, and help provide for my children and extended family. Life was stressful and chaotic and yet it appeared like a great life. Very deceiving - but only in retrospect. While I was in Maya mode life as it was, did seem great. I did not miss peace of mind - I never identified with peace. I was stressed and accepted it as a way of life. I did not consider changing my way of life to free myself from the stress. I looked for ways to do so while I was in the maze of material wellbeing. If only I had silenced my mind first and then entered the material world I would have been better served. It is possible to live in abundance and still be silent and clear of the mental chaos.

Back to karmaphala tyaga - being detached from the results of action. Being attached to money and things only increases desire while causing confusion and stress. Flip flopping on every decision and worrying about whether decisions are right once they are made is inevitable. Attachment to the fruits of action or trying to control the results of action can at best bring chaos into my life. I have learnt that letting things flow while continuing on a path, adjusting for eventualities that come my way is the best way to move forward. Financially save 10%, give 10% and then spend; mentally meditate, be present; emotionally expect nothing, be honest, truthful, compassionate, forgiving, accepting and loving towards all including myself; intellectually read, listen, learn, practice goodness, talk less; physically eat right, be on the move, stay clean, care for the needs of others and myself; spiritually simply be and do. Simple principles that keep life stress free.

Reading the list it seems easy right now but I do know that unless I can keep the emotional - mental - intellectual - physical - financial - spiritual balance I can slip and chaos can be my companion anytime. The key is keeping a keen eye on the ego. That element that is in the maze within my mind and is always just below the surface. I must learn to use it and not let it use me. Unless I can stop identifying myself as my ego I cannot identify with my true self.

To go from chaos to order requires conscious effort. The habit of multitasking takes me away from the present so often through the day. I have learnt to develop triggers that bring me into the now. Since I do not enjoy housework being present during cooking, cleaning, laundry is difficult. I now make it a point to stay present by noticing the feeling of water or detergent on my hands. I consciously smell the spices, the soaps, even watch the dust as I go about doing my housework. Staying present when reading, writing, watching TV is not a challenge - these I like doing, you see. I find that the more present I remain in the so called uninteresting tasks the more I enjoy doing them. No wonder it is said that we humans can achieve anything. It is all in the mind.

Now that my mind is settled and calm the urge to go deeper is constant. In the midst of everything I can distance myself from worldly affairs and become instantly silent. It can be very calming and extremely enjoyable. There is no anger, no frustration, no sense of lack, no pride, no shame, just a sense of joy and a subtle satisfaction. Whatever will be will be and I just am here. Life is good, it is enjoyable inspite of all the turmoil there seems to be around. The future was, is and will be uncertain. The past is done with. The present is right here and it is perfect. The chaos is gone and life just is. No chaos, no order. It just is.

The Silent Mind

2009-10-10T17:34:00.000-04:00

Silence is a state of mind. I remember as a child hearing about and observing people practicing Mouna Vrata - the vow of silence. They would not speak for a day. The stress that this would cause around the person was hilarious. They would be sitting with a pen and paper handy - in case they needed to say something. They would have a bell or a steel bowl and spoon at hand to make a sound if they wanted attention. This misconception about the vow of silence being about keeping the mouth shut lasted in my mind for years.

I know now that the vow of silence is about silencing the mind. What a beautiful concept. The need to say nothing. In today's life where there is so much to excite my senses it is not an easy vow to keep. To practice silencing the mind each morning by meditating only on the breath and at the most on the sensations it brings in the body is a very calming experience. It takes time and conscious effort but each morning I find it becoming easier. Observing the turmoil in the mind as a bystander causes the chatter to stop and unknowingly draws the mind to my Ishta and Japa (out of sheer habit). I can then put my effort on paying attention to the breath. This process relaxes the body too. I become aware of the muscles that are tensed up and then they start relaxing. I am alert but relaxed. Silence follows with the shallowing of the breath and a chill runs through my body - a pleasant chill. This ends up distracting the mind - but with effort the mind can be drawn back again.

These short stints of silence often end in an understanding of an emotion or a thought that has been elusive. It is as if from the silence comes an experience of knowing. If I had to describe it in the physical realm it would be as if I am watching a flower bud blooming. Something happens from the inside out and there is that moment of AAHAA. This could be as simple as deciphering a single thought or the meaning of a, till now, incomprehensible book. These moments have given me an insight into forgiveness, envy, compassion, guilt, truth, hurt, trust, greed, love, relationships and many more such characteristics, emotions and feelings that were at best superficially understood till now. Sayings about a broken mirror, or once a liar always a liar, war and peace etc. make so much more sense now. The importance of compassion, acceptance, unconditional love and forgiveness for my own inner peace is clearer today. There was an understanding of the need for these before but now I know they are key to cleansing my mind. These experiences are like applying an icepack to a fevered head. There is an instantaneous cessation of the turmoil in the mind. These discoveries in turn make the mind more silent. This is the cycle that I look forward to experiencing each morning. The vicious cycle of negative thoughts pulling me down is slowly but surely reversing. The cycle I find myself in is neither negative nor positive it is simply uplifting.

Life experiences have made it possible for me to get here. Experiences that I have labeled as positive or negative in the past are now free of their labels. They are just experiences that have opened up avenues in my inward journey that would have remained closed. Experiences and the inherent power of the spirit have shown me a path to knowing myself. The ego feels wounded and defeated but I feel good. The purpose of my existence in the physical realm is self discovery and unless I can watch over my ego and keep it in check this purpose cannot be fulfilled. I am so blessed to have a few hours just to myself each day. These hours are my most precious as I am able to use them to meditate, contemplate, and write. I am traversing a path that has been fulfilling and I look forward to continuing along this path of self discovery. I want to get to the end of the path where the discovery stops, the cycles are non- existent and the Truth and I become one. When the writing stops I will be there.

Inner Silence is my greatest reward for choosing to be silent.

From Gossip to Silence

2009-10-04T23:34:00.001-04:00

Gossip is defined as rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. It is possible to gossip with oneself about oneself. I find myself doing more of this and thinking a lot less about other things. I made a choice to spend more time with myself so I am not distracted from my move further inward. A lot of time has been spent thinking about my nature and analyzing everything from my thoughts to my weight, my breath, my emotions and my relationships. I have always enjoyed talking to myself and have used these conversations to know me better. Self gossiping has helped me find sparks of my true nature and helped my inward journey into my inherent goodness.

Self talk has taught me that to find Me, I need to experience myself at a much deeper level. The physical, mental, emotional, intellectual experiences that I have with myself are still very superficial. There is something much deeper and that is the essence that I must find. Gossiping to myself about myself brings on an excitement and increases my curiosity about myself. These internal dialogues have given me glimpses of a deeper me, but now I must learn to silence the conversation. Curiosity has the tendency to take me into the past and the future - not the directions I want to take. As this urge to silence my mind further has been growing stronger I came across a subject called Vipassana Meditation. Something I had never been privy to before. Now it seems to be all around me. Such is the generosity of the Universe.

Becoming aware of the 'Now' is a technique that the Buddha taught twenty five centuries ago. It is a method that helps one go deeper and clear the mind of its cravings, aversions and attachments. It is a form of meditation that I have been searching for. I am aware that concentrating on my Ishta can take me only so far since that form of meditation limits me to the physical form of my Ishta. Meditation on another object brings surface calmness but lacks the wherewithal to hold me in the realm of spirit for long periods of time. There is an absolute need to go much deeper inwards where the awareness is a lot more subtle. I have started my journey into Vipassana and am finding it to be very challenging. The mind keeps going towards my japa and my Ishta and of course other worldly affairs - but practicing the technique is simple enough and I know since it has been thrust upon me I will get there.

Silencing the mind is an exalting experience. Often I get there for split seconds and it is like a burst of energy, an inner light, an inner flash that leaves me overwhelmed. These flash moments are truly beautiful and am hopeful that with practice I will have many such moments. I am unable to describe these flashes as peaceful yet. They are vibrations that cause strange sensations within the body very similar to getting goosebumps and having butterflies fluttering inside me. At first I was left feeling strangely disappointed by these sensations but over time realized that this disappointment came from my association of these sensations as arising from fear or anxiety. Are these sensations flashes of myself revealing itself to me? Are my senses therefore, incapable of deciphering them?

Every journey I take towards my inner essence brings on experiences that are very revealing of the dream that this life is. The fears, the anxieties, the pains, the pleasures, the events, all of these are transient and extremely superficial. They have caused me many trips through hills and valleys all through my life. I realize now that these journeys that were often extreme were essential for me to get to this point of self contemplation. The events happening around me reveal how strong the ego is and how strongly it veils man's true essence. Life experienced superficially is one that is laughable compared to the one led from the depths of the spirit. It is possible to live in this world and be unaffected by the physical realm. I can enjoy every moment as an experience that takes me Godward if I continue to live my life from the exalted place of my spirit. The ego must only be used as a tool to help me stay in the physical realm so I can enjoy the spiritual one.

This journey I am on from self gossip to silence is a uniquely beautiful one so far. I am alone on it since this is one journey that requires to be taken solo. I am surrounded by many but I experience my journey all by myself. How exalting.

The Unshakable Mind

2009-10-01T13:06:00.000-04:00

Sthitaprajna - one whose mind does not waiver under any circumstances. The Gita talks about such a person as being established in God. The Buddha talks about being at peace even when there is turmoil around. I often get the opportunity to test this aspect of my mind. Some latest developments in my life have proven that even if my mind gets shaken when there is turmoil, if I make a conscious effort not to let my mind wander too far out I can rein it in. I have learnt a great lesson in forgiveness. I find that guilt is a function of my capacity to forgive myself first and foremost. I am a spiritual being in human form and so human characteristics - faulty by nature - will raise their heads. Each time I can recall my spiritual self to forgive my actions, learn from mistakes and move forward a few moments earlier than the previous time.

Actions and words I would normally have considered a personal affront even a few years ago now seem to be reflections of the mind of he who affronts. I understand that in this physical realm there is no absolute truth. Truth is a perception just as a lie is and is completely dependent on the state of mind of the interpreter. When I say something as simple as 'I love you,' it can have different connotations. My intent may never be perfectly understood. The way I can avoid conflict of opinions is one, by being as silent as possible in my mind- speaking as little as possible and refraining from expressing an opinion if I have formed one; two, by being accepting of all and knowing that their opinion is inconsequential. One may look upon me as a beast and another as a God - this does not change who I am. It is only the beholders perception of me - it may be their truth for that moment but it is far from the absolute truth and can therefore change in a moment.

Evil is only good gone bad. The base of every action is inherently good. I commit no sin knowingly. If I feel a twinge that what I am about to do is wrong - I stop - I only continue when I have justified to myself that what I am about to do has merit. That is the dichotomy that most of us find ourselves in dealing with this world of dualities. There are multiple aspects to everything. It is only that thought that comes from the depth of the spirit that can escape this dichotomy. The depth of the spirit lies in an unshakable mind. That mind which is unaffected by the ups and downs that are occurring in the world of dualities. Only when I can take every moment as an event that is independent of me can I keep my mind stable. Dishonesty, insincerity, lies, and other negative characteristics are the perception of a judgmental mind. Unless I can keep my mind from judging everything and everyone every moment I cannot develop a stable mind. I can be non-judgmental only when I develop compassion and love for my human nature and that of everyone else around me. I am not right or wrong - my thoughts or actions are. These thoughts and actions are my ego establishing itself over my Spirit. Where ego reigns Spirit is only the observer but where my Spirit is supreme, ego becomes a non-entity. An ego that functions only as a tool to make living in the human form possible and not as the ruler of this human form is the ego of a stable mind. Unless I am keenly aware and ever watchful of the ego it begins to rule my life and shakes my mind.

I was sent a Buddha quote today that talks about an insincere, evil friend being more dangerous than a wild beast for where a beast only harms your body the other harms your mind. I am sure that there is a lot more to this than appears on the surface. For one, insincerity and evil cannot be applied as adjectives to friends and secondly the Buddha talked a lot more about the inner world than about the outside one. I am my own friend or enemy depending on the relationship I have developed with my mind. If I let my mind waiver at the slightest turmoil I am my own enemy, insincere to my spirit and therefore negatively influencing my inner peace. It is only when I am unshaken by anything that is happening around or within me that I am my friend, loving, compassionate and therefore maintaining my inherent inner peace. The Buddha was born into luxury and was raised in opulence - he chose to suffer and survived only because he recognized his own stable mind a long time before he left the material world. His was not a mind that rose and fell because of the opinions of others. Only when I have established this stability can I excel spiritually. I am not there yet - but am on a path that is leading me there.

Self Improvement

2009-10-01T08:52:00.000-04:00

As I look back over the years I see the various paths I have walked to get to where I am today. The number of things I have learnt, done, and achieved make me smile. These worldly achievements are worth nothing at this moment. All that matters now is the now. This moment is unaffected by my past and exists independent of all other moments. My experiences are worth something only if they have taken me towards my true purpose. Anything I have done that took me away from my purpose was a waste of time.

I remember looking at those who were unable to multitask and taking pride in the fact that I could. Multitasking wasted many moments of my life since being a hundred percent present in any moment was impossible. All that multitasking helped me achieve was a stressful lifestyle. All the work related positions I held brought me 'success' in the physical, material realm. I made good money, was able to buy many things, developed a great reputation as a good worker, made many friends, traveled and enjoyed a 'good life.' Somewhere in the process of being 'successful' though I forgot my true essence. I was on a path of growth and improvement in the so called real world. This dream world is full of bells and whistles and very little else. Growth and improvement in this world was the sure shot way I chose to lose myself.

The only improvement that is worth anything at this moment is my spiritual one. The one that has opened my eyes to recognizing that all of these achievements, possessions and successes are not the real purpose of being here in this physical form. These experiences only caused me to spiral downwards and away from my spirit. I wasted my time. I would have been better served if I had established my spiritual identity and then gone out into the world. Then I would have catapulted my way up into self realization - the true essence of self improvement.

Since I had not established my spiritual identity I got distracted by the materialistic world that lies all around. The true meaning of wealth became about having money in the bank and about being able to buy things for my pleasure. Many years ago I knew a person who said that only mean minded people had bank accounts. I looked upon this person as a fool - the joke was really on me. Here was a man who spent his life serving others with every penny that he earned. He was always smiling even towards the end of his life when he had not a penny to his name and was unable to feed his family. His family survived through it all. The stress was felt more by those who judged him than by the man himself. He lived every moment as it came. Then one day he died. He came with nothing, left with nothing leaving nothing behind. His legacy is the love with which all whose lives he touched remember him. It is no less powerful than the legacy a millionaire leaves behind for his future generations to enjoy. When we leave, what is left behind is the spirit with which we served our body, mind, intellect and others.

Name and fame is about being recognized, being popular, and being liked by people whose opinions are really worth nothing. What is really important is about liking myself. It is essential that I have a clear conscience knowing that I have lived a giving, serving, loving life. Whether or not others believe I am good does not change my inherent goodness. When I take the high road to spiritual improvement I have to be able to do so with compassion, unconditional love, and free from guilt about the path I have taken to get to this road. The earlier I establish my spiritual identity the easier this becomes.

Everything I do in the outside world is about functioning within the norms that society has put in place. This is the world of duality where good and bad are completely subjective. What may be good to some is bad to some others. It is therefore essential that I live my life by my own judgment alone. When decisions are made from the depth of my own spirit my confidence is at its peak. Decisions made based on what others think will have some good elements and some poor ones - based on who is judging it. This will invariably shake my confidence. Self confidence and self esteem can only be established when I am true to my inner essence. Unless I know this essence I cannot be true to it.

Meditation that takes me on an inward journey is the only self improvement that I need to consciously work on. All other improvements will follow from this one. It is the foundation on which I can build character and so move forward loving myself every moment. God is not inside me or out there - God is who I am. Perfection is about recognizing this God.

Recognize Me

2009-09-30T11:21:00.001-04:00

A flurry of activities are on. It is that time of the year. The time to celebrate the advent of the Mother. It has me wondering why she comes only this once. Why do we think about defeating evil only once a year? Is the Pujas a reminder to cleanse my mind once a year or is it a reminder to always keep myself clean? Why is the prep work of Maa's arrival about so much activity? Should it not be a time for me to contemplate rather than on getting busy with cultural, social and ritualistic activities? What is the significance of my activities?

Many questions and all the answers tell me that the activities are all about running away from the contemplation that will get my ego to take an inventory of itself and find it to be short of many qualities that it needs to become a true reflection of my spirit. As the scriptures say a Bhakta who loves his Ishta becomes one with the Ishta. He acquires all the qualities of his Ishta except His powers. A true bhakta remains one with his Ishta as long as he does not attempt to emulate the power of creation, maintenance and destruction. Once he acquires these powers a Bhakta becomes a slave of his ego again. Becoming one with my Ishta - what a blissful thought. The journey there requires to tread a path that means my ego must be trampled on without breaking my spirit.

Getting involved in outward activities means drawing attention of the outside world towards me - being in the limelight. Something I must learn to draw myself away from. The more I do with the intention of being noticed the further away I am moving from achieving oneness with Thakur. All my life I have been recognized for my achievements. I have always known that the recognition I get is many folds more than my achievements and have considered this a blessing of Thakur. Then it was brought to my attention that I take the limelight and it made me think. How am I doing this? It is by getting involved in outward activities. Action cannot stop but it can be done without projecting myself into the public eye. I must accept that being recognized feels good and then learn to do, without expecting recognition. I am definitely not creating anything, I am maintaining nothing and am hopefully not destroying anything. It is all His doing. Providing lip service to this thought is no longer enough.

Over the last few weeks I have contemplated on this aspect of my ego and have found it to be lacking. Whatever I do has the odor of wanting to be noticed. Except for my writing. When I write it does not matter what people think about it. I enjoy knowing what thoughts it raises in the minds of my readers because it helps my thought process to move forward or to change direction. This in turn spurns a new burst of ideas that take me into further contemplation. My writing does not need appreciation for it to continue - but almost everything else I do wants appreciation.

This year my contemplation on the arrival of Maa has helped me make a resolution. Draw myself away from outward activities as far as possible. Do what is necessary as silently and as inwardly as possible as activity or karma must continue. I have a duty towards society to continue to serve it since I am in it. These duties must be done as far as possible anonymously and not as a leader but as a member, not for adulation but to be of humble service only.

Recognition is not a blessing unless I can use it to keep me on my chosen path. Till the time I can learn to use it this way I will stay away from it. I am not ready for it. Humbly recognizing and applauding the achievements of those around me I must continue on my path towards inner silence.

Duty

2009-09-30T09:30:00.000-04:00

An act or a course of action that is required of one by position, social custom, law, or religion - that is one dictionary definition of duty. Since at different times of my life I have lived in different places, worked with different people, under different circumstances my duties are ever changing and different from those of others whether in similar circumstances or not. As a mother of infants my duties were very different from my present duties as a mother of adults. I am still the same person and my boys are the same too but the circumstances of our lives have changed and so have my duties towards them. So with all phases and circumstances of my life.

I have duties towards myself that have changed over the years too. As a child education was my chief duty. To gain knowledge from parents, teachers, books, other people, and circumstances around me. During that same time I had a duty towards my parents, my family, my friends, my school, my temple and so on. It was only as an adult that I realized that my duties were not only towards what was considered as 'mine.' These duties that I perform towards 'my' people, 'my' things and 'my' life have an impact on the much larger environment that I belong to.

When I perform my duties within a moment without thinking of the end result that work becomes free from stress. It is not about what the end product will be it is more about doing the job as well as I can. When I time myself for a job or have a to-do-list of things for the day I am compromising the quality of my work. At this moment I am writing and all I am doing is writing. The moment my thought moves away from my writing to other functions that I know I must perform my writing is compromised. Performing my duties is a function of my role as a person, devotee, wife, mother, homemaker, writer, and so many different positions I hold in life. Role playing is not the function of my life. My function is to be. Staying focused on this moment every moment is the only way to be without playing any role. When I remain present within a moment the mind is focused on the only task at hand.

Not to be attached to the fruits of actions is difficult but to remain focused only on this moment is easier and automatically takes my mind away from the fruits. Just as with a child, saying 'No' is not enough so also with the mind - telling it not to think about a future moment is not enough. I must bring my mind to the present moment as if I am distracting a truant child who is throwing a tantrum. My duties are a function of my ego - that part of me that is necessary for me to exist in this physical form. To be an observer of the physical realm is the function of my spirit and when I am true to my spirit my duties become a chain of moments that are free of stress and pain. Going from a flurry of activity to absolute inner silence becomes possible.

The past exists only in my memories and the future is a figment of my imagination - both my memories and my imagination are my mind playing with itself. Time is being measured by my mind using these two toys it never tires of. I can become an observer of memories and imagination and let my mind play its games without shaking my stable foundation only if I watch it like I am watching a movie. I know what is happening on the screen is not real - but I laugh and I cry as the story unfolds and then when the screen is blank I walk out having enjoyed the time. It is futile to get attached to the story on the screen.

I recognize that to enjoy work I must understand that my duties include service that are for the betterment of myself and society at large but my focus must remain on the work at hand. Good and bad right and wrong are dependent on many variables. There is no absolute good or absolute wrong. Just as to be is my only purpose, to do is my only function. The less I am involved in worldly affairs the less turbulence is created in the mind. Staying at peace with the moment requires that the environment I keep myself in be peaceful. Repeating a sad story or listening to one keeps the mind in the outward direction - I must draw it away from the outside and focus it on Truth. To see 'God' in everyone requires that I recognize the God in me first. This God is a compassionate, loving, forgiving Entity. One who is the observer until the ego chooses to begin to observe and emulate It. Then It becomes an active participant in attaining the unconditional love I must feel for myself and others. From this love comes compassion, understanding, forgiveness, and ultimately Peace. When many such peaceful moments are linked life itself is Peace.

Performing my duties towards myself and others, remaining unattached, staying away from the public eye, and being compassionate, forgiving, and accepting of every event and of everyone is essential for me and only I can bring this shift towards my inner self. I must be ever watchful of my ego and use it as a tool to get there. It is a struggle - the result invariably leads to being misunderstood and misjudged but that is a price I am more than willing to pay. My path is my own and I must tread on it willing to accept the consequences of it - after all the results of any action are immaterial if I am following the prescribed path.

Living Dreams

2009-09-18T16:27:00.000-04:00

I have lived a blessed life. One that is full of experiences that, like with anyone else, have been instrumental in building different aspects of my personality. Starting with meeting death in the family very early on to meeting dignitaries; living in India, Kenya, Canada and the US; working in various capacities; making and breaking relationships through the years there have been many dreams broken and many more fulfilled.

I often wonder though if the dreams were mine or those of others. The answer is not very flattering. I have mostly lived thinking my life was about making 'others happy.' Being approved of, being liked, being thought well of was what drove this concept forward. In retrospect it was a lot more about the approval of others than about making them happy. It was important that I get this collective approval. A very elusive commodity and one that frustrated me as with each disapproval a part of me wilted. The disharmonious journey has made it impossible to reach my inner peace.

As I watch my sons I can see the advantages of living a life fulfilling ones own dreams. While I was always second guessing decisions I made, my sons are so much more confident about theirs. It is impossible to please everyone and I fought inner battles wondering how I was going to keep my balance. Had I been astute enough to know that if my conscience, my values and my beliefs were satisfied my decisions were perfect, life would have been less stressful and more enjoyable. Guilt born out of the knowing that some of my decisions were against my principles but were made since they were expected of me has eroded into my own self confidence and esteem.

Fortunately I am a willing learner and am in the process of practicing living in a way that makes me happy first. The rest can wait. I trust my values and my judgment and am living in a way that brings me joy and peace. Decisions I make are attuned to my values and principles and independent of the influences of others. I am free of the burden of caring about the opinions of people who really do not matter. Striving to be perfect in the eyes of others is a waste of precious time and energy that must be used to strive to tap into the perfect being I already am.

Like money and other materialistic things people and relationships come and go. When I look back over the last four decades of my life and take an inventory of possessions and people it is clear that I had very little control on my relationship with either of them. When they came or I brought them into my life or when they left or I pushed them out made very little difference in the long run. When my father was with us I remember being afraid of him dying - the first thought that crossed my mind on his passing was one of relief that I was released from the worry of having to live in his absence. It was much later that it dawned on me that my life might have been different had he lived a few more years but I really did not know what would have been different and so it did not matter. The memories of my indescribably beautiful relationship with him will always be with me and so it was the impact that the relationship had on me that was a lot more important than the length of it. This is true with any relationship be it with possessions or people. Sometimes letting go of relationships is necessary to truly appreciate them - to stop the inevitability of taking them for granted or being taken for granted.

The next decades of my life will be lived developing a relationship with the only constant I can have and that is my spirit. I will follow a path that brings inner joy by doing things that I love doing even if I may not be very good at all of them - being creative whether it be writing, painting, embroidering; going inward through reading, serving those less fortunate be they family or strangers, meditating, listening to music; relaxing by watching movies, spending fun times with family especially with the love of my life, and sleeping. I will also choose my relationships more carefully and let go of those that have a negative influence on me. Social politicking is not my forte, neither is talking about insignificant things and events. I revel in talking about ideas and philosophies that take me into the realm of Truth.

My dream life is one that I have only started on in this my fifth decade. This is my life to be lived according to my dreams, my values, my philosophies - I am a happy soul and whatever I choose to do will come from that happy place - it will be all about the journey rather than about where I plan to be. When I get to where I get to the adventure will have been worth it because how I am getting there is full of joy and in perfect harmony with Me.

Proceeding in Silence

2009-09-17T08:06:00.000-04:00

Words - a verbal expression of thoughts. As babies we are encouraged to learn to talk. The more languages we know the prouder our parents are of us. Language is considered a determinant of IQ. The spoken word has great value - listen to ministers, politicians, teachers, women in general and even children. Everyone wants to be heard. The written word is another powerful expression of thoughts. So much can be learnt from the written word.

Our mind is running constantly. Often the mind follows a well traveled path each day. If I consciously watch my thoughts I find that there are very few new ideas that are generated by my mind. Most of my thoughts are about my family, my life, my environment with very little newness in the train of thoughts themselves.

Armed with this knowledge I can either re-train my mind to think new thoughts or to become silent. Whenever a thought is being repeated I do two things - one is to let it flow through my mind without resistance. There is a lot of truth to the statement - what you resist, persists. Allowing a thought to flow is to accept the thought and let it pass through the mind without trying to stop it by blaming or priding myself for thinking it. The second is to not build on the old thought. This is difficult to do with the fertile mind I have. An insignificant thought can be made significant by building on it. This happens most when I am meditating. The plant needs to be watered. This simple thought could be just a reminder to get a job done. But my mind can take it further. What if I moved the plant from the Southeast corner to the Northwest. That would mean moving the sofa to the opposite wall. That would expose the ugly mark on the wall. There are quite a few marks on the walls all over the house. The popped nails need to be taken care of too. I should call and get a quote for getting the interior painted. What first - the paint job or the deck? Having a deck would be so great. We could barbecue all summer. I could sit out and meditate. Oh I am supposed to be meditating right now.

To retrain the mind to think new thoughts is a painstaking process. Developing new interests is one way of doing it. Research oriented minds are blessed. Their trains of thought are never boring. They know what thinking outside the box is all about and unconsciously they can lead their minds to run through interesting avenues. I have to consciously make the effort to do so. The results of being able to take the mind to untrodden territory can be far reaching in the physical realm. It is also very tiring and stressful.

Silencing the mind even if it is for short periods of time refreshes and rejuvenates it. Focusing on breathing or imagining myself as a beam of soothing light in space, or envisioning myself in a beautiful forest surrounded by trees, birds, flowers and water can bring my mind to a point of emptiness that is surprisingly overwhelming. Afterwards there is a sense of joy and peace.

The silence that is part of a library or a place of worship is almost palpable for me. For some reason a myriad of thoughts that need to be expressed right then crowd my mind. I write best when I am in this physical silence. Often though I could be surrounded by noise and still 'feel' the Silence within. That is the time when I feel a joyous peace within. Very different feelings - one wants to make me express myself the other wants me to remain silent.

I wonder does Silence bring me Inner Peace or does Inner Peace lead me into Silence? Or are they one and the same thing?

Finding Inner Peace

2009-09-16T10:34:00.000-04:00

The sounds of this world are beautiful. Be they ones that nature is creating or the ones that people are making. Sound is a form of Brahman and so is perfect in itself. It is upto the listener to feel that perfection. As I sit here writing I can see the people on the roof of the homes that are coming up right in my back yard. They are hammering and stapling, as they yell out at one another. As I listen to the music of "Om" playing inside my home these sounds all seem to be harmonizing with one another today and so I stop to think why I was unable to write as these same sounds were so jarring yesterday. Clearly it is not the sounds themselves - rather something in my listening that is making the difference.

I am more at peace today - the pain in my foot is better and I am more in my mind today - I was more in my foot yesterday. That is how simple finding inner peace is. Bring the mind into a moment of peace and find peace in the moment. A moment of pain is just as real as a moment of peace and so remaining in my foot yesterday seemed like the best thing to do. The issue lies in the fact that I was unable to find the peace in the pain.

Accepting pain instead of resisting it is how I can find peace even in pain. I was in no mood to accept the pain since I blamed myself for not taking good care of my foot. If only I had secured my ankle in the strap before walking into the store I could have avoided the agony. To look beyond that fact was hard. Next time I find myself in a similar situation I must try to come into the moment of acceptance of what is, so I can find that inner peace even in the midst of discomfort.

Hurt feelings are a more common place thing and overcoming this pain is harder than overcoming the physical pain. To accept emotional pain I must look within. Blaming others for emotional pain of any kind comes naturally to me. He said this, she did this, they ignored me, and on and on and on. That is when understanding perspectives becomes very important. Even if I do not understand the perspective of others I must learn to accept that there are perspectives other than my own. That is the reality of duality. I must find peace not just by forgiving but by accepting my limitation of comprehension of the enormity of all possibilities. Often there may be nothing to forgive or I may have no idea of what I am supposed to forgive. All I need to do is accept that I do not understand the perspective of all.

Inner peace leads to inner silence which makes it possible to come into this moment with harmony. Then everything our senses do are in harmony too. The mind is clear to think creatively rather than going into the cycle of repetition of the same sixty thousand thoughts of the past. Sielnce is the gap between the sounds and when I am at peace that gap is what I 'hear' more than the sounds themselves. Silence then becomes just as beautiful as the sounds themselves.

Work

2009-09-14T09:53:00.000-04:00

Work - 'Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the production or accomplishment of something.' The definition itself includes the importance of results when any 'work' is undertaken. The ancient scriptures emphasize that one must not be attached to the results of work. Is this a contradiction? I used to believe it is. Not anymore.

Being result oriented is essential to fulfill my duties in this life. The challenge is in remaining unattached to the results. How does one define attachment then? One of the definitions is 'a connection that fastens things together.' I get tied to the result which then proceeds to tie me to other actions and other results. Wanting to succeed in something is necessary but to allow that result to distract me away from the action itself can lead to failure. Putting my full attention on the process moment by moment is what makes a job successful. Keeping the eye on the ball so to say. As a parent I raised my children to be successful and happy. It is not my place to define their success or their understanding of happiness, though. They could choose to be happy as a pauper or a king - or successful as an entrepreneur or a monk. On the other hand they could be miserable, poor and a bum. None of these results should affect me - from the perspective of the part I played in it. I cannot claim success and I cannot claim failure. It is not mine to claim. The elation I feel seeing them happy comes not from the past but from the present moment. There can be no pride involved in the elation, for then a moment of unhappiness will mean I failed. Every up and down will define my past actions - actions that were perfect in the moment they were performed. What right do I have to belittle them?

The same holds true for anything I have undertaken, am undertaking or will undertake. I must remain in the moment for nothing else is. The past is gone, the future does not exist, all that is lies in this moment. Everything is perfect at this moment - I exist in it, I work in it, I live in it. This present moment is my only gift. I relish it. I bow down to it and live fully in it only.

Karmaphala tyaga. It is possible - very difficult but possible and a definite path to internal peace.

My Personal God

2009-09-13T12:47:00.000-04:00

For years now I have a Personal God I meditate on. Thakur - I love Him dearly. God does not end in Him though. He had a body - He was born and He died. He chose to come down amongst us to guide us to get to that higher plane. He showed us that it is possible for man to get There - to show us that there is a higher plane. Different paths get us there. These paths could be purely religious or we can choose to get there living as a householder. He showed us that we are all divine beings in human form. We have choices to make and these choices determine the pace at which we can get to that higher plane.

As a householder - a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother I must fulfill my duties knowing that the day I leave this world behind all these relationships will be left behind too. The body or the mind is not responsible for building relationships it is the spirit that recognizes itself within the body of others and connects. So even if a distance is created between bodies and minds the connection is never lost. This connection clearly goes beyond the physical presence and so the relationship with my Personal God must be taken beyond Him. To remain stuck in the body of Thakur is easy as I idolise Him through a statue or a photograph. This makes it difficult to see God everywhere else. He is a perfect being in my eyes - has never ever done any wrong! So it is easy to love Him. How do I extend this love to all around me? I am constantly in judging mode with others. I love them because and often inspite of but it seems attached to a condition. The ego is busy doing its part creating this duality of them and me. To learn how to see only the Universal One is the key to Self Realization. Or is it the other way around?

The Voice

2009-09-10T10:21:00.000-04:00

I became a life. You held my hand and led me on.
The world separated us. You watched as I moved on.

Along the way 'I' took over from you. I slipped, tripped and often fell flat.
You wanted to tend to my bruises. I wriggled away like a brat.

The wounds festered within. Today's pain proves the folly of my past.
From what I learnt, I should have stayed holding on to you steadfast.

My life is Your Gift to my desires expressed. Then I was inseparable from You.
Wanting to experience your physical realm, I broke away, waving adieu.

Did I know with this body came a mind and this overpowering ego?
Did I still come into this world with so much bravado?

Why did You not warn me about the pain that comes with the pleasure?
You did? But my false self was blinded by the so called worldly treasure?

No regrets, You say. For without the tumultuous experience of this unreality,
The ego would never have known its own unavoidable mortality.

What, dear Lord, will remain in the event of my inevitable demise?
Nothing that the senses will ever be able to recognize.

Not even name, fame, blame or shame? None of this I can claim?
Give up this popularity game. In silence return whence you came.

Untouched by the realm of the spiteful, ego centered worldly debris,
You will return to your Self - silently sparkling in full Glory.

Back to Me where there is no pain, no stain, no hate, no pretense,
Back to the folds of Peace, Love, Wellbeing, and Abundance.

Today

2009-09-09T23:16:00.000-04:00

The day was a strange one. There were definitely larger periods of silence in my mind and these brought a deeper peace than I have been able to find in the last few weeks. The mind is a strange place and it is interesting to watch it play games. Being more aware of the working of the mind as a reflection of the ego and separating it from it working as the reflection of the spirit is a challenge even today. The conscious awareness of this difference is often a limitation rather than an advantage.

Feeling hurt because of what others say, do or even I believe they think has been a habit developed over 4 decades now. I am unable to stop the hurt from showing up but once I have identified it I am able to overcome the hurt by reminding myself that it is my ego that is hurt and the ego is definitely not a true reflection of Me. What does it matter that someone else sees me as a bad person, or a good one? What really matters is how I am carrying this gift of life. My intent to become more self aware is what I have to keep my thoughts and actions on. In the process there will be mistakes - committed no more than once - from which I will learn and move on having aligned my thoughts and actions to my intent.