46 years ago - today.

 Seeing death so closely means never forgetting that moment and the events surrounding it. It is an experience that leaves a hole in the heart that never fills out again, no matter what one does or who else comes into one's life. I have never attempted to fill that hole. Instead I have made it a space that I can crawl into and be a child, and a princess anytime I want. 

My Baba, my Dad, is my hero. He was an imperfect man - a regular human to most, am sure, but to me he was flawless. Just the father I needed, to make me feel adored, and always cocooned. Baba was a big man to me. He was tall, broad, warm, with a smile that I will always cherish. Being in his presence made me glow with pride. He was a good man, a disciplined man, a man of very few words but when he spoke his words had purpose and depth. He had a guffaw for a laugh - not very often heard and usually short ones. It was almost like he would swallow his laugh half way because he did not want to share that fun side of him - that part of him was his alone. 

He was overly protective and hugely caring of his loved ones. The softness in his eyes betrayed his stern, silent demean. There was so much warmth in his very presence and yet people were never quite sure what he was thinking or whether or not he approved something - he mostly wore a scowl on his face - till that all pervading smile broke out.

He passed away on November 3rd 1975. He had been diagnosed with a galloping cancer in the brain less than 2 weeks prior. He was not his usual self for about 3 or 4 months at most. He left while at home in a coma while we watched him take his last long breath - then as we waited for his chest to rise again and nothing happened we knew that he had given up on life. He was 52. 

The Artist in me.

As a child I was made aware, that I was terrible at drawing/sketching/painting. I was told I had no 'sense of art.' I know that is true, but am not sure where that 'sense of art' comes from or what it comprises of, so have never made an attempt to 'learn(?)' it, till now.

For the last few months, I have been wanting to draw or paint, but have hesitated knowing that I would not be good at it. So I did the next best thing and took up an online course in drawing. I am happy I did as it has proven to be a hilarious exercise for me. There is no doubt I am terrible at it, but I also now know why.

I am not very observant of the physical world. I see things as general shapes and forms, but do not notice details, so reproducing things as a drawing from memory is impossible. I love elephants, I know they are big animals with big ears and a trunk, but am not aware of the proportions, or where their eyes are placed, or how long the trunk is, and if there is a difference in ear size or tusk size from one elephant to another, or even if they all are the same color. So, what is it about elephants I love? It is their stature, their majesty, their grace, the way they move, the old soul wisdom in their eyes, their attachment to each other - that is what I have observed about them. I could write a short story about an elephant, but I would not be successful at illustrating one as a drawing. I am sure that is my unique quality. :)

Then there is the sense of depth that I am unable to reproduce on paper. I look out of my window and see the trees and the grass and I love how the colors seem to synchronize with the environment in general, but ask me to reproduce the sight and I would be flummoxed trying to figure out where each element should be on my paper. Not that I do not see the depth, because I could write a descriptive essay about it, but maybe it is a kind of drawing dyslexia I need to overcome.

I am enjoying drawing so I sit down with a reference photograph (I cannot imagine drawing without one) and when I am finished it does not look anything like the photograph. I am sure I reproduced all the elements, but no, the two do not match. The challenge is that I can tell they are different but know not how to match them :(. Also I find that I can tell the difference more from a photograph of my work than from my original work. Rather strange I think.

As you can tell my work has a strange perspective. I know where I am as I look at the boardwalk in the photograph, but am hovering among the trees looking down upon my drawing. If I make another attempt I will probably be closer to the picture but in the meantime this gave me the opportunity to  add some flowers where there were none, simply to add some variety to the drawing. The end result made me smile - not as much at the drawing as at my inner child pushing forth and giggling with me. 

I have had comments from my drawing instructor for the assignments submitted that are very encouraging as he guides me along to make necessary changes which is very helpful. Then of course, my dear husband looks at my work and says, "very nice, but definitely not right." He cannot fathom why I cannot get the perspective right. I do not blame him as he cannot un-see what he can see, so how in the world is he going to see the world as a flat surface - wonder if you know what I mean? A girl friend is very appreciative of my work and keeps telling me I am improving every day, while my son says I should not give up my unique perspective. All in all my art is getting me reviews that are fast depleting my soft pastels and sand paper sheets.  

I will persevere, not to get to be a successful artist, but just to enjoy the process of improving my observation of this beautiful physical world that I live in. This art form has helped me to see things I have only glanced over for most of my life and I am enjoying this new found view of things around me. 

Abundance - redefined.

One dictionary meaning of the word abundance is 'in ample quantity.'

Feeling a sense of abundance is therefore a relative term. For a child enough pennies that he can hold in his hands is abundant, and for an adult enough pennies in a jar may not be. That is abundance in the material sense of the word.

In the philosophical sense abundance is more about the 'sense of contentedness,' than about 'plentitude.' Someone with millions may not be content and yet some will say he leads an abundant life. A millionaire may yearn to earn even more than he has and probably even more than a few generations after him will need, so abundance may never be achieved. Not necessary that millionaires do not understand abundance, many do and these are the ones who share their wealth with others with an open heart. The fulfillment they get comes from their sense of purpose and from understanding the place of wealth in the fulfillment of that purpose that goes beyond their inner circle. They acknowledge that wealth gives them the power to be inclusive, to be empathetic, and compassionate. Once they experience that they are not only millionaires but philanthropists.

An abundant life is one in which there is joy, love, and peace. Money is a part of that abundant life as it provides for a roof, food, safety and probably most importantly peace of mind. Money can also be a major reason for stress. Our relationship with money decides how we deal with money, and our sense of contentedness is a determinant of whether it brings us peace or stress. Money like all other tangible possessions is lifeless and our relationship with it is therefore one sided and completely in our control. Money does nothing to us. It is how we deal with money that affects us.

Having plenty brings joy when it is blessed with humility and gratefulness. Abundance brings love when it is sanctified with kindness and compassion; and it brings peace when it is hallowed with courage and fortitude. Abundance needs to make us inclusive and expansive otherwise no matter how much we have we will suffer from a sense of lack, of paucity.

For my personal use I choose to expand the dictionary definition of abundance - 'in ample quantity to satisfy.' If I am not content, or am yearning for more than needed, of anything - be it tangible or not - I cannot claim to be living an abundant life. It is the sense of contentedness that defines my abundant life and I can honestly say - I am not there yet. Not because I lack in anything, but because I am not yet at peace with what I do have.

I am examining my 'sense of lack' and it comes from a fear of the future. I look around at people of my generation and they are better prepared for the future than I am. This fear is rooted in the past and although I claim to live in the present, my mind is not firmly established in it. I have to regularly pull my mind away from the past and the future. Deeper introspection is called for to weed out this imaginary fear and to develop a strategy to a more secure mindset.

When I examine my life, I see that I have always had enough of everything and much more than enough of many things. The sense of lack is imaginary and completely unfounded. I have so much to be thankful for and I am grateful for all of it. Now if only I can weed the fear out of my psyche, I can truly live a life of abundance in the now. I have begun the process of contemplation on my fear and am sure this too will pass. Hopefully, soon, I will be writing about the results of that process. :)

Angels

So many angels have appeared in my life over the years. Some for a short time, some have stayed forever, but they have all played important roles in my life. The I of today is a result of all their influences and for that I am forever grateful. 

The beauty with angels is they come unannounced, do their thing in silence and step aside. They sometimes come back, though they may not have been acknowledged the first time, just because they are needed in my life again. Sometimes I have reached out to them during my time of need and they were right there to guide me, to reprimand me, to push me forward, to give me solace, to speak the truth, to provide me a shoulder or just to listen. 

Yesterday I spent my time meditating on these angels and giving them my thanks. I wanted to acknowledge them for the support they have given me in dealing with spiritual, emotional, or material issues. Some have been physically beside me, some I have yet to meet personally but am associated with through the world of technology. Some I have lost touch with, some I am in constant communication with and some others are in the periphery where they are easily accessible. 

My family has been my most unrestrained angels. Always wanting what is best for me and always expecting the best from me. They have been by my side even if I have pushed them aside in anger or frustration. They are family and also my best friends. They have made me strive to be a better person every day. Even those who were rude or abusive (am sure almost every family has some of those people) were angels in disguise, for they taught me how not to be. These were the ones who made me empathetic, as I learned first hand what being hurt actually feels like. Empathy, probably by far the most essential essence of the human existence - came because of the angels who made me cry. So, I am grateful to them too - only wish they were blessed with empathy and kindness themselves for they must be hurting deeply to so callously hurt others. 

My friends have been my strongest angels. They are the truth tellers that make me face my worst fears while embracing me so I do not crumble. My luck with friends surpasses all other good fortunes. They are the circle that forms around me and gives me strength when I am down and brings me down to earth when I am flying too high. Some of them have been tied to me like a cord that nothing can tear - non judgmental, expecting nothing in return. Some have wandered away but I will forever remain grateful to them for the part they have played in my life. 

My teachers have been my most blessed angels. They taught me not just from books, rather by demonstrating what being human was really about. I had the best teachers all through life - in schools, life coaches, spiritual teachers, advisers, and counselors. They have all left marks in me that I tap into often, for their teachings are relevant even today. They taught me what perseverance, integrity, honesty, love, compassion, charity and Truth can do for me and how I too can put these qualities forth. They form my base, the ground on which I stand firmly rooted. 

My places of work have always been an assembly line of angels. It is wondrous how much of my success is because of the people I have worked with. When I think of the trajectory of my career I am amazed that despite all my inabilities when I started off, I was able to establish myself as an asset at every job. I have to be grateful to all of the people who held me up and pushed me on and never lost faith in me. Without them by my side I would still be the clerk I started off as. 

Angels bring energy with them. This energy shifts the negative vibes out of my orbit and holds me in an aura of soothing light that makes it possible to see the truth and the good and to distance myself from anger and indifference. The energy makes me stronger, more compassionate, more confident and helps me spread love and joy. Angels come from different walks of life, under varying circumstances - they come as Messengers of the Universe and because they are needed at that exact moment. They are proof that we are all connected by an energy that binds. 

I bow down to each and every one of my Angels. You and I both know who you are. May you all have angels in your lives so you too can be surrounded by and spread out love and joy. You made a difference and I applaud you all. 

Lovers - The Muse and The Passion

Writing has been my passion, but even this passion seems to wane at times and then it is as if the muse pouts for the passion taking a break. The muse and the passion work hand in hand and are in a relationship as two lovers. It is amusing to watch them - very much in love - but unwilling to take the first step to reconciliation. Not wanting to be the one giving in, yet being aware that in this struggle they are both losing out on something beautiful. That is when intervention becomes essential. 

Cannot let this relationship die because the two parties are being unreasonable. That would be a colossal loss as together they foster peace, joy and a sense of fulfillment for the Universe they reside in. 

As a witness to this tiff between the two I have seen the muse rise,  bring up an idea, develop a theme and want to express itself but being incapable of doing so without the cooperation of the passion. Unfortunately the passion has too many interests. These days its biggest preoccupations are the political news, soaps and web-games. The tragedy lies in the fact that these diversions bring neither joy nor peace and are not fulfilling. They simply take up time and energy and muddy the pristine environment in which the muse is best nurtured. 

Intervention would require that the distractions be put aside. A tall order in the present environment where the news cycle is so pervasive with the constant bickering caused by a warped mind set of fear. As for the soaps - they are just a way to let one feel superior to the antagonists and to identify with the protagonists - knowing fully well that this has very little to do with reality. The worst culprit though, is undoubtedly the web games. It is as if mastering the games proves something when it does no such thing. All these distractions are the mind taking control and disallowing  peace to take hold. Meditation, reading, writing, needlework bring a calmness that the ego is constantly fighting. From this calmness comes a sense of space and energy, that nurtures realization of the true potential of the mind and the spirit; and where the spirit rises the ego seems to lose its identity.

“Hey, Mr Ego - you are an essential part of this Universe. I know, because you reside in me. I am your Universe. It is impossible for me to exist without you. Stop being so pushy. Lie low and watch what big things can be achieved. Taking control is a horrible habit to develop. It drains your energy, makes you fearful and no good comes out of it. Consciously let Mrs Spirit come forth. She will lovingly co-exist with you, help you regain your energy, edify you and together you will bloom.”

The muse is asleep. The passion has drained it of its energy. Now the Universe needs to collaborate with the environment to make it possible for the muse to rise, feeling loved and needed. The environment will need to be changed so the distractions can be put aside and the passion can be re-directed to open its arms to the muse. Meditation will start the process then reading and  needlework will help fill the gaps that have distanced the lovers, for the muse is inspired by the passion indulging in these calming activities. These lovers belong together and their Universe will conspire to keep them together. It must. 

Bringing back my Muse

My muse seems to have taken a long break. Have not written seriously for a while now and I think it is the games on my phone that are to blame for my muse taking a back seat. There is a game called '2048' that I am obsessed with. Very addictive.

So I decided to take a Right Brain/Left Brain Quiz. Even if it is not one hundred percent accurate the results tell me I have some balancing to do.



Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Left Brain Dominance:
(11)
Right Brain Dominance:
(6)

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz



For the next few months I am going to stay away from games like Sudoku and 2048. Instead I will read and write more, listen to music, meditate and bring more balance into my life. My job needs me to deal with numbers and make logical decisions on a daily basis. My leisure needs, from now on, to be dabbling with some creative work that is not repetitive in nature. Crocheting also requires me to count more than create - maybe I should design a new pattern, instead of working on patterns designed by others.

Words have always been my friend and I am taking them for granted, as I know that the flow will come naturally the moment I apply myself to writing every day. I pledge to write at least a page a day, even if it is gibberish.

What stopped me from writing a few months ago was the sense that what was wanting to be penned was not what I wanted people to read. The words were dark and negatively charged. These do not characterize who I want to portray myself as, to the world. Pain is a part of life. When that pain is inflicted on you there needs to be an outlet so you can heal. My outlet has always been words. I have written about pain and healing but what I did write was not reflective of what I really wanted to say. It was generic and did not delve into my emotional, visceral reactions. If I do express on paper what I want to, it may prove to be both shocking and hurtful to some. I, therefore, made a conscious choice not to commit it to paper. That meant that I plugged the pathway that my expressions pour out of. Instead I filled the channel with numbers, math, logic, and reasoning. All good things, but I kept some of the more beautiful aspects of life out. 

Expect more posts on my blog, friends. I am still not sure what I will post here but please do bear with me.

Thank you for continuing to visit. Back again soon. 

How Change Can Affect Us

Over the last few years my self-awareness has heightened. I no longer let life blind-side me. I do not know what will happen in the future, but in the present moment I am consciously experiencing everything. I learn from it, I respond to it and attempt to come out a stronger, better, happier me. I find that this awareness means the Universe is so much more abundant in what it has to offer. All of it has always been part of my Universe - only I was traveling through it with blinkers on.

Around the end of May, I was introduced to the idea that it is possible to be East Indian and not eat grains. Everyday Indian cuisine has a staple of grains - mainly rice and wheat. The base of every meal is either cooked rice or some form of unleavened bread (roti, naan, paratha, puri etc.). Then there are beans, legumes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, dairy, eggs, fish, and meats. Whether we are vegetarians or not, grains are a major component of every meal. Since being diagnosed with diabetes, twenty years ago, I have restricted my overall intake of carbs including rice and wheat, but never considered giving them up completely. Till now.

For a few weeks before the germ of the grain free diet plan came into my purview I had a few episodes of hyperglycemia alternating with hypoglycemia. Nothing had changed in my diet, exercise, and neither was there any change in stress. Maybe I was moving towards being a brittle diabetic despite being on an insulin pump and being so careful with my diet. I knew that carbs played an important role in the management of my diabetes. I also knew that reducing my carbs would give me room to fine tune my insulin intake. That is when the plan of going grain free ventured subtly into my world.

I decided to try it - at least till I could bring my blood sugars to normal again. It meant finding resources that would make it sustainable at least for a few weeks. I needed recipes, a shopping list, an affordable store and a willing partner in my husband. Fortunately I have a friend who is extremely resourceful with information and the barrage of recipes she WhatsApped (that must be a word now) me only excited and motivated me to dive wholeheartedly into it. Wheat flour was replaced with almond flour, coconut flour, tapioca flour, and combinations of these. Rice and breads were replaced with savory legume crepes and tapioca flour pancakes, making rice unnecessary. I had to change my meat and vegetable recipes to be drier so I did not need the rice and I increased intake of coconut oil, butter and ghee (clarified butter) and ensured I had at least some animal protein for every meal. I was fuller with less food and stayed satiated longer. I added a few servings of vegetables, and to satisfy the sweet tooth I ate very small servings of fruit. I made sure not to deprive myself of flavor or texture so I could stay on the meal plan, and it worked. It is now just about 20 weeks that I have been completely grain free - not carbs free - grain free. I have eaten no grains, no potatoes and no refined sugars and I am still excited and happy with the plan. Cutting grains out caused my carbs intake to reduce and so I am taking less insulin.

Breakfast:  Cheese and vegetable omelette / fresh 2 minute almond flour bread in a cup in the microwave / fresh 2 minute almond flour banana walnut muffin in a cup in the microwave / fresh 2 minute strawberry coconut flour muffin in a cup in the microwave / fresh home made bean sprouts with fresh yogurt / mixed nuts with a serving of fruits / cheese with a serving of fruits.

Lunch: legume crepe;  (these with a serving of fish, meat or egg and a serving of vegetables and some chutney made with almonds and yogurt) / home made dahi vada / steamed vegetables with curried fish / spicy roast chicken with raita.

Snack: nuts / vegetable fritters / cheese / occasinally a fruit - berries, grapefruit or melon slice / almond flour cookies / chick pea flour cookies. (Only home made cookies - yumm!)

Dinner: Naan made from a combination of Tapioca flour and chick pea flour or crepes accompanied with a fish or meat and a vegetable. A cup of yogurt is a must.

Dessert: Almond flour peach cobbler / carrot halwa with full cream, pureed dates and chunks of walnuts / nuts and dates no bake cookies / coconut and dates no bake cookies / home made sugar free custard ( sweetened with pureed dates or coconut palm sugar) (These are occasional - not everyday)

I have 1 cup of green tea, 1 cup of coffee and one cup of kefir every day. I add a few pieces of ginseng root in my green tea and a teaspoonful of cinnamon powder to my coffee every day. Turmeric has been part of my diet all my life. I also take a shot of fresh ginger juice and fresh lime/lemon juice every night.

The first things I noticed with going off grains - knee pain.....gone. I had developed a pain in my right knee for almost a year now that had been deteriorating. Bowel movements.......never been better. Sleep..... more restful and wake up fresh. Bloating...... gone. Cravings..... gone. Smiling......more. Irritable....less. Insulin dose.....reduced. Blood sugar levels......normal. I do not take any medication other than insulin and occasionally homeopathic remedies for any symptoms that may come up due to injuries or physical strain etc. I had been prescribed Statins and BP meds as part of management of diabetes and I requested my physician to let me wean myself off them and he agreed based on the fact that my blood sugars have continued to be within normal range for the last many years now. For those of us who understand the relevance of HbA1c levels - when I was first diagnosed the level was at 22.2%. Over the last 6 years (ever since I have been on the insulin pump) my levels are at 5.8% to 6.0% consistently. It means I have less chemicals going into my system and therefore less toxicity. My kidneys, heart, liver, eyes, peripheral nerves are all functioning like a normal 60 year old body. I am living proof that Diabetes can be managed and that food can be our friend if we eat and drink right. I know exercise is just as important, but I lead a very sedentary life and am not motivated enough to change that .... yet.

Changing my diet has not been difficult and the results only more motivating. It is as if I needed the change. My body gave me the message - fluctuating blood sugars; almost concurrently the Universe presented me with a solution - diet options; since my awareness is heightened I went with the solution. Instead of pumping meds for the pain and upping my insulin I changed what and how I eat and it worked to my advantage. Nutrition is a very important element of health care. I had given up all prepackaged processed foods and that had helped with  an overall feeling of well-being. Eating grass fed meats and cutting out vegetable oils also helped and now replacing grains has taken it to a higher level of well-being.

Making choices with awareness and knowledge; being conscious of the effects of change; adjusting life style to ensure physical and emotional health, are all part of a well rounded life. I have learned how to adapt to change and not be set in my ways and I am reaping the benefits today. Change is a good thing and an integral part of life. Some change happens in a void and there are some that we choose to make. Results too are sometimes predictable and sometimes not, that is what makes life so interesting and embracing change gives us the opportunity to grow and to learn.

The one change I am unable to make - adding exercise to my life style. The Universe has not given me any signals that make that possible at this time. My blinkers are off - but ...... :)