Where do I stand?

Today I will be hosting a radio program at a local station - community radio. I have been interested in hosting for a long time and I appreciate the opportunity. I am nervous about it even though I have been practicing keeping the mind stable and living in the moment. I have spent time preparing myself for the program - deciding what to say and what music to play during the hour. I have done what needs to be done in terms of planning and the rest will move with the time I spend on air.

As I watch my nervousness I wonder what is causing it. This is not a job that I am depending on financially - I am volunteering my time. Majority of the listeners do not know me from Eve and so it really does not matter what they think of me. If the feedback is good, bad or indifferent will really not matter to the radio station or to me. This is my first time at it and if I make many errors or feel uncomfortable I can just drop out of future programs. No one will remember me and that is that. So this nervousness is not about the rest of the world or even any one person. This nervousness is about me. This is my obsession with doing everything well - the first time. I have always been this way. What I undertake I must excel in. I can take criticism. Over the years I have faced many judgements from many people and not only survived but grown stronger by learning from them. The only criticism I seem to fear is the one I shower on myself.

This aspect of myself is purely ego centered. It comes from the inherent fear of failing. Intellectually I understand that failure is a step towards success but emotionally I believe that true success is about getting there without any slip ups. The need to be perfect reigns supreme - where perfection is a destination. Like all other destinations once I am there it stops being important and yet I have put so much attention on the destination that the journey there has been missed completely. This time I made it a point to remember that the stringed moments to air is what is important. The awareness is good - it keeps me in touch with the real Me. This journey was a test of my practices of contemplation and meditation. There are no passing or failing grades in this test - just an opportunity to assess the gap between thought and emotion. I realize that I am intellectually very ego centered and emotionally still immature. I am still afraid of failing even in apparently insignificant things. No - the program was not insignificant - but in the larger realm it has no value whatsoever.

Getting in touch with my emotions and expressing them has always been a challenge. What I say rarely reflects how I feel deep within me. This has led to me not being able to reach that deep seated emotional side of me. I refrain from exposing my true feelings even to myself. As I took the conscious steps into that journey over the last few days I liked what I discovered. As I have been practicing being kind over being right the need to be right has receded. I am not as plugged in to situations and people as I used to be. I take what I hear as information rather than as judgement and am able to accept opinions that differ from mine and remain unaffected. I am not in a rush to please anyone. This has created a sense of peace and confidence that I am enjoying. I find that it is possible to be honest and kind too simply because I am always conscious of the feelings of others. I treat them like I want to treat myself - with love.

Now if only I can stay in touch with my own emotions and recognize my feelings I can also change my thoughts to bring Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness into my own life with a lot more confidence. (Above piece started on 16th May)

PS:(May 21st) The program went well. There were no glitches and all the information that I wanted to include was in and within good time. I feel better for having gone in as prepared as I did - it made the job so much easier. I enjoyed the hour as much as I enjoyed the moments that took me there. I am looking forward to the next one.

Anatomy of Approval

Seeking the approval of others was a learnt quality. The need was really to be heard. Somewhere along the way I equated being heard as being agreed with. Two totally different things. It meant that the corollary was true too. To let another know that they had been heard I had to agree with them. What a dangerous situation to put oneself in. It is only now that I understand that there is a definite difference between hearing and agreeing.

As a child I shared my parent's affection with an older and only brother and an older and unwell sister. I am sure I felt I had to compete to have my parent's attention. Then my sister died and my brother moved to a different city to pursue his education. I became the center of most of my parent's attention when I was around 9. By then I was a good little girl who had won their hearts over by doing everything they approved. It was a good way to live. There was very little conflict. Doing anything that could cause unhappiness to my parents was difficult and if I did I had to let them into it very carefully. If I ever met their disapproval it made me feel very guilty and very incomplete. Inspite of enjoying myself for doing something that I wanted I never fully enjoyed myself because I let it be tarnished by their disapproval. This cycle continued for many years with all my relationships - friends,relatives, husband, sons, co-workers, bosses and even the non-judgemental God.

Now I see that their approval or disapproval was my own state of mind. I judged myself as good or bad. Choosing ones own life partner was taboo in India when I was growing up. I fell in love and stuck with him knowing that my parents would not approve. I felt strongly enough about it and moved forward. That was when I first gave up the need for approval. It took years for me to comprehend it - but that was the beginning. It comes from paying attention to oneself. I hardly ever paid attention to me. Life was all about out there. I had been taught that good people were selfless. In truth what I was being taught was that good people served others too. I never realized that to serve others I needed to serve myself first. Without caring for me how could I care for anyone else? To love oneself to the exclusion of anyone else is what selfishness is about but loving others to the exclusion of oneself is impossible. It has taken me a long time to recognize this. Now that I do life is beautiful.

Approval comes from within oneself. Confidence and self esteem come from living in the moment and doing what seems appropriate in the moment. No two life situations are ever the same and I cannot foretell the outcome of my thoughts and actions in the moment. I have learnt to live life in the Now and enjoy it. Memories of the past do come in but I consciously put them aside and live this moment. I approve of me and that is all that counts. Life's ups and downs are unavoidable and no matter what I do I cannot foretell my future. I choose to live life fully in the moment for this moment is always perfect. I hear myself and I make life choices that seem appropriate for me - dependent only on what feels good to me. Approval is an overrated word and has no place in a happy life.

What is Relationship?

The dynamism of relationships intrigues me. Why do relationships wax, wane, grow, break or just never develop? What is it that does not allow stability in most relationships? There are some relationships that last a lifetime - without going through some (often major) peaks and valleys. For years I accepted that if a relationship has lasted without ups and downs it has been a bonus. Now I think otherwise. It is possible for most relationships to be stable and peace filled. It requires that I be stable - no matter what the circumstances.

Omnipresence means we are all imbibed by the same energy - for me that energy is defined as God. That makes us all essentially the same. Ego refuses to accept this and needs to protect itself from the unknown. If I know that we are all the same it is impossible for me to be afraid of anyone else. I do not need to be judgmental and the judgment of others holds no value to me. The God in me recognizes the God in you - and vice versa. If we can both remove the veil of the ego the relationship would be perfect. But it is still possible for me to attempt to create a perfect relationship with you if I remove the veil of my ego. You can choose to keep yours on or put it away - that will not matter to my love for you - even if the relationship is lost

The veil is one of judgment and pre-conditions. It is possible for me to overcome both - it requires only Love. Ever since the experience of Oneness I have begun to see the harm I have caused myself by being judgmental. I have created a wall around myself trying to protect something that requires no protection. I can be myself without judging me or others. That is the beauty of fearless living. There is no right or wrong in anything you or I say or do - since I love You what actions your ego instigates does not need to bring on any negative vibes in Me.

Is it possible to live this way, though? Can I give up being judgmental? There is a method I must follow for me to get to the point where I have mastered it. There are two things to keep in mind - one is being ever vigilant about remaining Present at all times; and two is to remember who I am and extend that memory towards everyone around me. I cannot tell my ego not to show up - that is almost impossible to do - yet. I can train my ego to remain Present and remember who is the True Master of this existence.

There are many ways I recognize when my ego needs restraint and when my Spirit is leading the way. Whenever I have selfish thoughts, when I am angry, when I am forming opinions that I want to stick to no matter what, when I am not listening to others but formulating answers, when I am allowing myself to get lost in negative emotions I must make conscious effort and bring awareness into the moment. The key to any relationship is being able to recognize that the relationship is not paramount - the person is. When I begin to love a relationship more than the person the very essence of the relationship is lost. When I concentrate more on the relationship the poisonous effects of expectations begin to take over. When a relationship is based on conditional love between the people concerned the relationship is fragile and hollow. Unconditional love is nothing more than an acceptance of a person inspite of and because of their inner being. Actions are a reflection of our emotions and thoughts - when our emotions and thoughts are spirit centered our actions are invariably kind and compassionate. Egocentric emotions and thoughts give rise to actions that can be unpredictable. To be able to accept a person whether they are reflecting their spirit or their ego is what unconditional love is all about. I do not have to like or agree with the person's opinions or actions - but I must be able to accept them for who they are reflecting knowing fully well that behind it all is the same superpower that resides in and around me. That is what being present is all about. Being ever aware that there is one thread that runs through us all.

No relationship needs to sour - every relationship can keep soaring upwards. Everyone within that relationship enjoys peace, love, abundance and oneness. No matter what is said or done being present brings beauty into the moment and into relationships.

Growing Awareness

I have spent the last few weeks caring for myself more than I have done in years. My time has been spent counting calories and understanding the effect of food on my emotions and my body - as much as the effect of emotions on my eating and on my body. A lot of time has also been spent understanding me - the real me a lot better.

I give a hundred percent of myself to whoever I am in contact with. I give all of myself to whatever it is that I am undertaking. I am fully present in any situation I find myself in. All good things but then I also expected the same from the people and circumstances too. That can be a huge burden on others. It requires trust, respect, and unconditional love for and from people. How many of us are ready for this? How many of us know how to define these qualities? It has taken me 53 years to get a small glimpse of and know their effects on me personally and I know now that for years I lacked these essential values - not by choice but simply because I lived a life that was centered in ego. Ego is quick to build complexes - superior in some instances and inferior in others - causing trust, respect and real love to fly out the window and stay outside.

I consider myself to be an intelligent logical person who has a clear understanding of language, emotions, and most thoughts and ideas. When I discovered that this very intelligence and my own sharp mind are my enemies I was horrified. My mind and intellect very easily took over my life. They developed my ego. They scattered me. I became their slave and so a slave of time. When I stopped working outside the home I gave up wearing a watch or carrying a time telling device like the cell phone on me. It was a huge relief not to be a slave to the clock anymore. It was not enough, though. I may not have allowed the clock to rule my life but I was still a slave to time. The past and the future were still the determinants of my thoughts and actions. Eckhart Tolle speaks so eloquently about the destructive nature of time in his books (Power of Now and A New Earth). The only time we have is the Now and everything is always perfect in this moment. It is when we dwell on the past and imagine the future that the power of fear or expectation takes over and destroys the beauty of the present. The past can only be a determinant of the future if we do not acknowledge the present. There is no need to judge the present because there is nothing to judge in it. This moment is neither good nor bad it just is. That defines me too. I am neither good nor bad in this moment; I just am. My goodness or badness lies in my past. When I live only in this moment I do not think or act from memory or expectation because I am only in touch with my being-ness and that never leads me astray. There is nothing good or bad about a circumstance if I do not consider its importance based on past memory or future expectation. That dependence on time is what I am striving to free myself from. I find it brings a deep sense of peace under every circumstance. Tough times are always only imagined. Not being able to afford a meal I crave, for whatever reason - financial, because of health, lack of time - will not kill me. The craving will pass and I may or may not survive to have it another day but so what? That movie I want to watch, or the top I want to buy, or the slim body I want to have may all be elusive or may all be mine - do they really matter in the larger scheme of this moment?

I live my life now doing what gives me pleasure in the moment. I eat right, I walk, I joke around with my husband, I talk to my children, I watch movies, or take a nap in the middle of the day, I write, I read, I listen to music, or cook or clean - anything I do is for the moment. If in the middle of my writing a phone rings I shut my computer and pick up the phone or choose to ignore the phone - I give my full attention to what is happening now - if I feel like it. Nothing is dependent on my existence and yet my existence is purposeful. What freedom that brings.

Watching my children shows me the importance of living in the present moment. I love my children and it reflects in their being. I want them to be who they want to be. When they suffer or are in pain I believe it is their experience to have. When they make what I consider mistakes it is for their own growth. I have never lived my life through them and today I find myself more connected to them even though they live 500 miles away. I do not talk to them or email them everyday and yet I feel as close to them today as I did when they clung to me as infants. They are both more centered than I was at their age. They are more outspoken, more knowledgeable, more goal oriented, and yet more present than I was. They reflect the youth of today who have a much deeper understanding of life. They live in the present moment - maybe because they are not burdened by family liabilities like we were or because they are more self absorbed than we had the chance to be - whatever the reason they have developed a skill that I definitely lacked for the most formative years of my life - the skill to enjoy every moment of life. I am there today and am loving it.

I have chosen to distance myself from the social rounds - not because my friends and acquaintances are not important - but simply because this affords me the privilege and the time of getting to know myself better and gives me the opportunity to acknowledge the qualities that I do possess of trust, respect and unconditional love for people and circumstances. I feel like the bird who knows that she will be cared for and can choose to be a free spirit. I am choosing to die before dying and so becoming fearless of death. I know I am deathless, immortal, ever present. The ups and downs of circumstances and relationships are physically time bound and will pass but life is timeless and will always be in the present moment. I die and am born every moment and therefore every moment is a celebration renewed. People, things, thoughts, ideas, fears, desires, are all within a single moment bound by a strong string of deep awareness. If I let them be they leave me be too. I embrace all this in love expecting nothing in return for the pleasure is in the loving itself. Every now and again the peace disappears - there is turmoil and heartache. A pause to bring awareness to the ego and I find that all that is really left is always peace. Deep, lasting, overwhelming peace.

Love

Love - with a capital 'L' - the spiritual kind - what is it and how does one know it is not the worldly kind? Sometimes just saying what it is not has to suffice - that can be frustrating. Experiencing Brahman is indescribable because once described - It's essence is lost. Experiencing It seems like the only way out. This may have been more in previous centuries since only a select few were blessed with the experience. Today experiencing Bliss is possible for us all - without exception - just like the sages and prophets have been telling us for ages.

Most mornings as I sit in silent meditation I am enveloped by a sensation of openness - as if everything is flowing through me - in one way and out another. It is as if I am in a single vibration with everything else around me. The only thing I am aware of is a sense of being Love. The sensation, the vibration the flow all seem to be showing, saying, feeling Love. It is a new sensation and yet not a strange one. When I felt it for the first time I knew what it was. Till then I understood it and I knew that when I connect with another in Love it feels great but now I know Love and understand why it feels so great.

Expansion is a great feeling. It is both inclusive and singular in nature. Oneness makes me a part of It; at the same time I know I am. These sensations (which they are really not) stay with me for some time and yet I can see everything as separate from me. The seeing and the experiencing are different in nature and yet the same. It is as if a needle has gone through a fabric and made the thread it was pulling behind it a part of the fabric and then left both the fabric and the thread behind. Something has infused me with a sense of Oneness and yet left me experiencing separateness.

Change is the only constant in the physical realm (although many would want us to believe that man cannot change for the better - remember the once a liar always a liar, once a rapist always a rapist claims?) - nothing is sustainable without change and yet Oneness is unchanging. It is the base without which this changing world would not be possible. Oneness is what makes change possible. Some changes come about by choices we make, others are out of our control, but changes are happening all the time. I have changed over the years. I have striven to become 'a better person,' driven by what society defined as better - changes brought on by choice. I realize now that one change that happens and lasts is the experience of Love. I am referring to a progression from 'being in love', to 'being Love.' Being Love is an essential element of Stability of the Mind. Love is incapable of fear, hatred, indifference or sorrow - to be one of these it has to change and Love is, so it cannot change.

First there was the love that I felt towards family, friends, and possessions. I was in love and expected to be loved in return. The word love is erroneous here - it should be attachment. I was attached to friends, family and possessions. This attachment took me through peaks and valleys of emotions that made the experience very superficial while making it appear deep.The depth was one of despair - this cannot be love. Then I began to experience love for myself. This was definitely a foreign feeling. I grew up believing that loving oneself was a selfish act - and being selfish was taboo. After being exposed to Western Spiritual teachers I realized that without loving myself first it was impossible to love others. Once I started introspecting to figure out what about me was lovable my journey towards Truth and Love took on a different meaning. I understood the meaning of unconditional love. Practicing it calls for conscious effort. Unconditional love requires giving up being judgmental, it means going beyond right and wrong. Being raised to value righteousness made being accepting of everything difficult. As I learned to accept myself I began to accept others too. As I grew to love myself I learned to love others too. It is easier in theory than to put it into practice. Living in solitude has made it possible to grasp the true essence of Love but I am still not able to stay true to it. The ego is a believer that separateness is the way to happiness and that there is a distinct place for right and wrong or at least for good and better. More specifically the ego believes that some deserve to be loved and others not.

Love feels right, and it brings me closer to experiencing Oneness or Truth or God - which are all one and the same thing. I cherish Love and want it to become my only way of life - simply because it opens up a portal into the realm of the Spirit that brings Bliss. The ego has its place in my life - it keeps me alive in the worldly sense so I can experience God, and that I do not want to part with yet. So I care for my physical needs using my ego to judge good and bad and then I tuck it away so I can simply Be. I love Love for love itself.

Balance

It has been a challenging week with the addition of Insulin to my treatment. I was first diagnosed with Diabetes almost 12 years ago. Even then it was perchance and the doctor was surprised that I was functioning normally in spite of the unbelievably high blood sugar levels. He did not put me on insulin then since my body had adjusted so well to the high sugar levels and insulin could shock my system. He started me on tablets and have been on different concoctions ever since. Eventually insulin has become part of the regimen. Adjusting the dose to bring balance is the challenge. I was started on the long acting once a day injection at the lowest possible dose. Am at 6 times that now plus the short acting kind three times a day and have still not come down to normal levels. The journey continues with increasing doses each day. This is why I chose to postpone the meditation course. I am glad I did. I will be able to enjoy it more in June when the sugars are in balance.

At first I was okay with the high sugars, then they became physically exhausting and the mind came down a notch. Then with the help of the mind I was able to pick myself up again and stay on the path. The body is a friend of the ego you see. The ego tries everything to draw me away from the path of the Spirit. And as I have said in my earlier posts the Spirit will let ego take over anytime without a second thought. This experience is showing me though, that once I am on the path recognizing the work of the ego and knowing how little it is worth helps me stay focused on the Truth. This body is definitely a temple to my soul and therefore needs attention and care but the body is only a part of the support staff - my Spirit is still the one at the helm. My attention cannot be taken away from the Spirit to care for my body. It would be like having a gold gilded palace with no owner. Could be easily looted away leaving it in ruins. I must care for both. This world is infused with Spirit too and my body is part of that world - just as my ego is - Omnipresence cannot exclude the ego. Creating the balance and using the ego to do so keeps me on track.

For years I took care of my worldly life and lost my true self in the process. The meaning of Love and Peace and Abundance and Wellbeing was so different then. Being in love was more important than being Love. It was necessary for something to belong to me for me to love it and for it not to belong to me for me to crave it. A depraved sense of love. It was about attachment and possessiveness and greed and lust and a fear of loss that defined love then. There was a sense of fight and stress in it. Today Love means a sense of belonging to the feeling itself. I love and do not need it to be reciprocated. I am not blinded by Love and I do not need to justify why and I do not need to know how. Love is, like I am. I love me not because, and not inspite of - I only love myself as I am. Do I need to be loved then? No, Love has no need. Very different from worldly love and without the experience of both I would not have known this.

Diabetes is a fact of this life I am living today. It may be with me for the rest of my days - and I have embraced it. All it has done is changed my lifestyle - not my life. I need to care for my body so I can continue to be in Spirit. Being in my soul is liberating. It is as if nothing can touch me. Even if I take a trip with ego I know I can come back to It. It is truly Omnipresent.

Wellbeing

The mind is a busy beaver - building dams protecting itself from imaginary attacks. Yet it knows that it is it's own and only enemy. The mind is powerful and controls it's own joys but for some reason it loses sight of this and scatters it's powers away. Once the mind has grasped it's true capacity there comes about a sense of equanimity that is wondrous to say the least.

Meditation brings the mind back to it's natural state after all the curves that life throws its way. I had a rough week health-wise. The blood sugar is not doing as well as I was hoping and have resigned myself to taking insulin. The timing has a message I clearly needed to hear. For a few months now I have been planning to travel to Canada for the Vipassana 10 days training course. I was supposed to fly out on this coming Sunday. I had planned two full days with loved ones before going into silence and then one day on my return from meditation before flying back home. I was excited and was hoping to have in-depth understanding of my problems with diabetes, obesity and self care. Over the last few months of contemplation and meditation I have realized how little I do for myself - for the person who I need to care for most.

I planned my trip around my blood tests and doctor's appointments and when the doctor prescribed the insulin I delayed starting it till I got back. But all of last week I felt extremely unwell. The blood sugars shot up, I felt exhausted, feverish, and dizzy. My body was craving for attention like it has never done before. I had no choice but to start the insulin right away, get myself up on my feet and exercise as if my life depended on it so I could bring my sugar levels down. Starting an insulin regimen means staying in touch with the physician till the dose is adjusted to what the body needs. Well - out went the silent meditation. I had to postpone my trip and stay put so can take care of myself. The Universe is speaking to me. There is a distinct message - take care of the body - it belongs to Me and must be revered. The experiences of Oneness, of Bliss, of Peace and Love must include My body - the one I rarely care for. My body has been my biggest challenge (no pun intended.) I am not quite sure what lies behind my neglect of it and I doubt looking for it is important. All I know now is that it must be cared for and kept in wellbeing if I have to enjoy Oneness. Healing is bigger than curing issues - it is about being well. I must correct my errors with the help of my Spirit but without the physical effort this wellbeing is impossible.

Along with my mental and emotional wellbeing I must strive for good health. They all go hand in hand. It has taken me a while to recognize this. Having children who are as knowing as my sons are helps me see things I am blinded to. Ever since this episode of ill-health Avik has called me every night - his 'knowing' awes me. He has been my cheerleader and keeps feeding me important information without making it sound like he is preaching - and yet with every conversation I have learned something important, something handy, something useful, something motivating. I know he has been busy - he just moved house - but he has still made the time to be there for Mom. I am blessed. I have been an imperfect Mom but have somehow ended up with two very caring young sons who guide me through life like very few others have. I have always said and would like to repeat - I have learned more from my sons than I have from my parents - and I have learned one hell of a lot from my parents.

Thank you boys - for coming into my life. I love you. As for myself - it has taken me a while but I can see now what true Wellbeing is really about. It is about uplifting ego-free thoughts along with detached action. I am not focusing on the results of my meditation, medication, diet or exercise - just on taking all the necessary steps required to stay well in this moment with full attention to the moment. Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing or a sense of Oneness - one or all of these require full attention to the moment - all else just follows. The mind travels too far into the past and the future and finds reasons to be fearful - staying present each moment is the only meditation required to be in Love and at Peace always. The nomadic mind is a bane, this moment is eternal perfection.