Friday, March 30, 2012

Childhood Impressions!

Childhood leaves a lasting impression. Often times these impressions happen subconsciously and we are so entangled within the throes of its results that we cannot differentiate it from life itself.

I was born as the youngest of three children in what I considered a loving home. I am now in my mid 50s and have consistently claimed to have had a very happy and fulfilling childhood. Little did I realize that there was much in my childhood that I had chosen to block out of my memory. I may not remember the challenging parts but those events have definitely impacted me too and have played a major role in how I live life today. I live life wanting to improve my ways. I like contemplating on what I say and do so as to judge myself and consciously make an effort to be a better person. I am far from perfect and I am constantly learning from my own mistakes and improving on my better aspects. I am a loner, I like my own company, I enjoy listening without being heard, I enjoy observing without being seen, I enjoy serving without being acknowledged.

The more I contemplate on who I am now - the more I feel one with myself. I hardly identified with the physical me in the past. There was a distinct divide between me and my body and I think this comes from being more or less in the background for the first eight years of my life. I don't believe I was purposefully ignored or not cared for - but I was definitely not a priority. How I imbibed that aspect of my childhood and what impression it left on me is secondary simply because I cannot change what happened then. What I am now teaching myself to do is to care for myself in the now, to make me a priority for myself, to love every aspect of myself, to identify with me as a whole. This is new to me. For years it was the intellectual me that I identified with. All other aspects branched out from me the reader, the writer, the researcher, the listener, the consultant, the counsellor. It was as if the emotional and physical aspects of me were just to support that me. This separation was not obvious but I know now that it was definitely there. I flourished and was joyful when I was thinking, helping, serving, reading. My health, my fitness, my physical makeup or my emotional involvements were simply offshoots.

Being invisible to oneself is hard to comprehend for those who see themselves in the mirror and recognize themselves. I did see my reflection but never connected with it. That image was not me - it was never the person I was in touch with. My image was non-physical. Not that I saw someone more important or more anything. To me I was a dark skinned - because that was what I was told - intelligent person. When my good friend first told me I was beautiful I smiled - 'she was just being kind,' I said to myself. To me I was a featureless, dark but intelligent person - physical appearance had no place in my image of me.

Childhood impressions can last an entire lifetime. I am fortunate to have recognized and acknowledged it as now I can work towards overcoming any handicap it may have left me with.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

I Am

"I Am" - is spoken so often and with ease. These two words do not complete our sentence in everyday life. "I am" is usually followed by a description or a feeling or an action or maybe something else. In my opinion it is words we hear very often but we rarely listen to because we are waiting for the speaker to complete the sentence. As a matter of fact we treat these two words as if they don't exist. In reality, though, these two words are the most vital part of the person speaking. When we don't give it importance we deny the existence of the person - often we deny our own existence.

"I am" when denied becomes the ego - the 'i'. It is time to pay attention as soon as those two words are spoken or heard. It is the sound of the spirit of the person - it is what each of us is within. It is the true identity and the moment we tune ourselves to the sound of those two words we can connect soul to soul and with our own soul. "I am" is the sound of the Universe and the need for each of us to be heard. Each of us is looking for a connection so the separateness we feel from one another is destroyed. It is the sound an infant makes that brings his mother to his side with a knowing of exactly what her baby needs. The oneness that is between mother and child is the oneness that is Universal to all of us and the words "I am" is our cry to the Universe and an expression of our need to be acknowledged as part of the whole.

No matter what language is used to express the "I am", the essence remains the same. It is our state of being and comes from a deep space of identification with one another. Let us start by paying attention to the expression everytime we use it ourselves - let us use the expression to connect with our inner self - wait for a split second - connect and then complete the sentence if needed. I have been told that looking into my own eyes in a reflection will give me a view into my soul. I have tried it silently and find no one in there. So I decided that since words speak to me more I would use words to connect to my soul. I tried chants and I tried music but somehow they did not seem mine. So I decided to ask myself to define who "I am." I racked my brains to complete the sentence with words that would help me connect with who "I am", instead I found peace in just those two words! "I am."