Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Eureka!!!

My blood is sweet! I am sweet through and through.

I have been under a homeopath friend for a few months now. She very kindly offered to treat me and I took her up on it. Very few patients can fathom the workings of deep acting homeopathic remedies that may be prescribed a couple of times over the length of treatment. Fortunately for me being a homeopath and understanding the Hahnemannian (my word) philosophy I can see the changes it is bringing on me.

I was given a single dose of a remedy one morning. That day I took a major tumble! All morning I kept having a premonition of falling and when I eventually did, it was a relief. I had bruises, aches and pains for a few days but God bless Arnica and I was back on my feet soon. Being as heavy as I am and seeing how awkwardly I fell it could have been a lot worse.

The next couple of weeks seemed uneventful but soon I felt upset, depressed, sad and was wallowing in self pity. "Poor me. No one cared for me. I am a giver who gets nothing in return...." I love to care for people. It makes me feel good about myself. I am always trying to be a better person and what better way than to be a do-gooder? I of course took it too far outward. I forgot to care for myself. At first all this awareness was painful and it made me wish it had not come upon me - but now I feel freer, lighter and clearer. It feels good to care for myself - to do what I want without feeling guilty or embarrassed or ashamed. I answer to no one but my Self.

That took a couple of weeks of processing and getting back to being my happy self again. I am more aware of myself. The diabetes that has overwhelmed my body comes from a deep seat in my mind. My desperate need to be sweet. To be liked seemed my purpose for most of my life. I was nice, sweet, kind, compassionate not to benefit you but for you to like me. That need to be sweet took over first my mind and then my body. I must get rid of it from my mind for it to leave my body. That is exactly what I plan to do.

I am a perfect human being. I am a kind, compassionate, giving, bright, spiritual light that is in this Universe to serve Its need whichever way It needs to use me. I am also here to receive Grace in whatever form I get. I now get pleasure from being good, honest, compassionate, forgiving, loving, helpful towards myself and others. It is not because you need me but because I enjoy being there for you. If you tell me to leave you alone I will do so with a smile - this is not about you! So I continue to 'do' what I always did - I just do it without a predicate attached to it.

This is liberating and as I write this I can feel my blood clearing up. I am definitely on my way to recovery - insulin and all will soon belong to the past. I can feel it. Thank you Lori for taking me on and helping me not just with the prescription but for listening to me express what my mind and body are constantly whispering to me. I know many of you reading this do not see the homeopathic connection here - but those of you who know better do see it, right?

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Fulfilling needs.

Coming into this world automatically places us in relationships. Dependency becomes part of life and taking lessons from society we begin to enhance dependencies. Life circumstances make us dependent on some and dependable for others.

As we enter the spiritual realm we aim to be self-sufficient. We derive joy within ourself. Pain and misery come from our relationships with others. There is very little room for suffering when one is complete in oneself. I think it is impossible to serve others selflessly unless one is fulfilled within.

Attachment is the inability to be self sufficient. I find that giving of myself to others is very fulfilling but there is an expectation that I will be replenished by something or someone else. Self care is not my forte. I am more comfortable caring for the needs of others, helping heal the wounds of those around me. I have not tended to my wounds, have not acknowledged my needs. It is small wonder then that no one tends to me. There are many ready to point out what requires my attention - my blood sugar, my weight, an untidy desk, an unmade bed - as if I am neither grown up nor intelligent enough to know this.

I was advised to start my day by journaling my needs. I sat fingers poised on my keyboard and till noon my screen was blank. This is unusual - even when I have bouts of writers block I can fill a screen in a few minutes. I have no needs - my needs are all reflections of what my family and friends need. I would rather do without so you can have it all. No matter what I am doing I will make time for you. Your phone call, your problem, your sorrow, your pain, your joy, your story will always supersede mine.

I have prided myself on being extremely adjustable to my circumstances. No matter which direction the curve ball comes from I smile, face it, and lead others through the ordeal. Any personal challenge and I go the distance alone. I now recognize that this does not come from a space of fulfillment but from some other place within me. I do not question the pleasure I get in serving the needs of others but I wonder why I have never tried to fulfill my own. Another journey inwards through the maze that brings me closer to Me.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Degrees of truth!

For many years I believed that telling the truth was essential but may not always be possible. There are times when speaking the truth when weighed against its effect make it necessary to lie! That should be okay - or should it?

Is there place for half truths or even maybe avoiding the truth with the intent to mislead? There is a saying in Sanskrit that says - "Speak kind words, speak the truth - do not utter unkind truths." I took this to mean that it was better to lie than to speak an unkind truth. Now I know it means - always speak the truth but be kind with your words. There is no place for lies in a pure heart. Untruths sully the heart and take us away from ourself. With every truth we utter a veil is removed and we get closer to our inner being.

There is no degree of truth. Either one speaks the truth or one is a liar. There is no grey area in this realm. Truth releases us from all other forms of deceit. Just as fear and love cannot co-exist so also fear and truth cannot co-exist. Truth opens us up to accept consequences and so bring closure to the cycle of action and reaction. Lies seem to move in a spiral and often the consequence seems far out. Truth on the other hand follows a straight line to the result. The shortest route is that straight line.

Reward and punishment is not in the hands of a super power up above us - it is in our own hands. The truth eventually is revealed no matter how hard we try to cover it up. With every reveal truth makes us stronger. Imagine never having to lie - it means never having to be afraid. Not afraid of being caught, of having to defend, of having to cover up, of losing self respect and self worth.

Truth has been under-rated for a long time. It is the essential key to a pure life. May truth be victorious again.