Coming into this world automatically places us in relationships. Dependency becomes part of life and taking lessons from society we begin to enhance dependencies. Life circumstances make us dependent on some and dependable for others.
As we enter the spiritual realm we aim to be self-sufficient. We derive joy within ourself. Pain and misery come from our relationships with others. There is very little room for suffering when one is complete in oneself. I think it is impossible to serve others selflessly unless one is fulfilled within.
Attachment is the inability to be self sufficient. I find that giving of myself to others is very fulfilling but there is an expectation that I will be replenished by something or someone else. Self care is not my forte. I am more comfortable caring for the needs of others, helping heal the wounds of those around me. I have not tended to my wounds, have not acknowledged my needs. It is small wonder then that no one tends to me. There are many ready to point out what requires my attention - my blood sugar, my weight, an untidy desk, an unmade bed - as if I am neither grown up nor intelligent enough to know this.
I was advised to start my day by journaling my needs. I sat fingers poised on my keyboard and till noon my screen was blank. This is unusual - even when I have bouts of writers block I can fill a screen in a few minutes. I have no needs - my needs are all reflections of what my family and friends need. I would rather do without so you can have it all. No matter what I am doing I will make time for you. Your phone call, your problem, your sorrow, your pain, your joy, your story will always supersede mine.
I have prided myself on being extremely adjustable to my circumstances. No matter which direction the curve ball comes from I smile, face it, and lead others through the ordeal. Any personal challenge and I go the distance alone. I now recognize that this does not come from a space of fulfillment but from some other place within me. I do not question the pleasure I get in serving the needs of others but I wonder why I have never tried to fulfill my own. Another journey inwards through the maze that brings me closer to Me.