Friday, March 30, 2012

Childhood Impressions!

Childhood leaves a lasting impression. Often times these impressions happen subconsciously and we are so entangled within the throes of its results that we cannot differentiate it from life itself.

I was born as the youngest of three children in what I considered a loving home. I am now in my mid 50s and have consistently claimed to have had a very happy and fulfilling childhood. Little did I realize that there was much in my childhood that I had chosen to block out of my memory. I may not remember the challenging parts but those events have definitely impacted me too and have played a major role in how I live life today. I live life wanting to improve my ways. I like contemplating on what I say and do so as to judge myself and consciously make an effort to be a better person. I am far from perfect and I am constantly learning from my own mistakes and improving on my better aspects. I am a loner, I like my own company, I enjoy listening without being heard, I enjoy observing without being seen, I enjoy serving without being acknowledged.

The more I contemplate on who I am now - the more I feel one with myself. I hardly identified with the physical me in the past. There was a distinct divide between me and my body and I think this comes from being more or less in the background for the first eight years of my life. I don't believe I was purposefully ignored or not cared for - but I was definitely not a priority. How I imbibed that aspect of my childhood and what impression it left on me is secondary simply because I cannot change what happened then. What I am now teaching myself to do is to care for myself in the now, to make me a priority for myself, to love every aspect of myself, to identify with me as a whole. This is new to me. For years it was the intellectual me that I identified with. All other aspects branched out from me the reader, the writer, the researcher, the listener, the consultant, the counsellor. It was as if the emotional and physical aspects of me were just to support that me. This separation was not obvious but I know now that it was definitely there. I flourished and was joyful when I was thinking, helping, serving, reading. My health, my fitness, my physical makeup or my emotional involvements were simply offshoots.

Being invisible to oneself is hard to comprehend for those who see themselves in the mirror and recognize themselves. I did see my reflection but never connected with it. That image was not me - it was never the person I was in touch with. My image was non-physical. Not that I saw someone more important or more anything. To me I was a dark skinned - because that was what I was told - intelligent person. When my good friend first told me I was beautiful I smiled - 'she was just being kind,' I said to myself. To me I was a featureless, dark but intelligent person - physical appearance had no place in my image of me.

Childhood impressions can last an entire lifetime. I am fortunate to have recognized and acknowledged it as now I can work towards overcoming any handicap it may have left me with.

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