Kandhamal-a symptom of a larger ill.

I was not aware of the atrocities of Kandhamal (Orissa, India) till my school friend mentioned she was on her way to a tribunal to speak about the plight of the women there. Being the voracious reader I am and being privileged enough to have the time and the resource available to surf the net I began reading about it. I sit here in my beautiful home ten thousand miles away and complain about the heat wave that raises my electricity bill while thousands of men, women and children are living amidst squalor and in fear because they have chosen to execute their right to follow a religion of their choice. They probably do not feel the heat or the cold because they fear for their very life and livelihood. We could blame the local politicians or law enforcement for their continued suffering over two years after the atrocities first took place but are we all not just as culpable?

A few unintelligent hoodlums carried out a horrible act on our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. We learned about it and shook our heads and let it pass us by. A handful of us who care enough took up the cause and went there to help rebuild; others sent money and other essentials and still others took up the fight to higher authorities but still the women who were widowed and raped, the children who were orphaned, the men who were beaten and maimed continue to suffer. The world is thousands thousands times bigger than this small community and because only a few hundred have chosen to help they have not been able to get back a semblance of their dignity.

The world needs to prosper for each of us to be successful in life. These pockets of atrocious events take away from us as a human community just as much as it takes away from each of us as individuals. If each of us was to give one cent of our wealth and one minute of our time each day towards the betterment of each other imagine the force of our endeavor to make our world a better place. The evil acts are succeeding because we are choosing to do nothing good to counter them. Fighting against is never the answer leading to solutions - we need to do more to positively affect change. As a world community not to have been able to build safe homes, rebuild their place of worship, provide education to the children, create work for the people of Kandhamal to get their livelihoods back is shameful. Instead the suffering people are being pressured to change their religion and are being further insulted by others. Our government is providing funds to our neighbors to help them recover from natural disasters while our own nationals are having to beg for their dignity. Where is the balance?

It is not that we do not care - it is that we are too far removed from each other. We have become absorbed in material wellbeing and have chosen to forget that we are all brothers and sisters from one Source. We stand on our golden pulpit and declare there is only one God and are proud to be monotheists but refuse to acknowledge 'your God' because you chose to give Him a different name. This is not about religion it is about humanity. It is about love and compassion and knowledge. It is about each of us looking within our very beings and then looking at the misery out there and taking ownership. We cannot cocoon ourselves and wait for others to stand beside the downtrodden. It is not for us to judge and take sides. This is the time for us to lend a hand so everyone of us can live with our heads held high. What use is knowledge that is not shared with others? What use is money if our parents go hungry? What use is life if my sister is being raped?

Let us open our hearts and look beyond the narrow realm of me, my home, my family, my friends, my work and share our wealth, our knowledge, our strength with our world family and help rebuild Kandhamal even more beautifully than it was before it was raped so future generations can look back and say that our brothers and sisters did not die and suffer in vain. Governments and other institutions can only help so much. It is eventually upto us individuals to turn things around. We cannot wait to see what institutions can and are doing. It is possible for individuals to raise money and give of their time to help rebuild schools, hospitals, wells, and places of worship so the people can get back their dignity and the will to continue living. The government is helping to rebuild their homes but that is only a small part of life. Without education and basic health care generations of people of Kandhamal will continue to be emotionally and intellectually raped.

Kandhamal is only a small portion of a much larger world of suffering. We have to take up these issues and start bringing about a change that affects us all. The yardstick cannot be how much the haves are donating to the have nots. Success must be measured by how many of the have nots are on their way to becoming haves. The need for help is clearly much greater than what is being currently done. Prosperity cannot be measured by individual success - it must be measured by the success of all. Using that criteria we are definitely a poor world. Dignity is the right of all beings and we must consider ourselves privileged when we can share that amongst all our brothers and sisters. When one of us is raped or maimed or killed for any reason we are all being insulted. Punishing the wrongdoers is clearly not the answer because when one is punished ten more seem to be raising their ugly heads. Instead let us concentrate our time and energy on raising the bar of life so each of our sisters everywhere knows that if one man intends to hurt her in anyway there will be ten brothers and sisters protecting her. The only way evil can continue to succeed is if we sit back and do nothing good. Let us give of ourself not because there is misery but because we love one another and want to be successful as the human race. Let us simply raise the bar of goodness and so of human life.

(A small sample of life events in Kandhamal http://ww.telegraphindia.com/1100824/jsp/nation/story_12847233.jsp)

Finding God

If this world is an illusion - why then as reasonable intelligent beings can we not see beyond it? It is impossible to believe that there is 'nothing' where we can see, smell, hear, feel 'everything' around us. We have been provided with sense organs to experience the world as it is. If this were unreal and Consciousness was the only Reality we would have been provided with the tools to be able to experience the reality. If the purpose of life was to know God then we would have come into this world knowing that and living life accordingly. Something is not right here.

Last night I dreamt I was in a garden with many shrubs and trees. There were many strangers in this garden but as I got close to them they turned into people I have known for years. No one recognized me - they ignored me. Everytime I approached someone they deliberately walked away from me. How rude. It upset me and I felt saddened. I knew they should not be behaving this way but they did anyway. All of a sudden I was awake. Something was not right in my dream.

I went to the temple the other day and picked up a statue for a friend. I did not quite know how to get it to this friend - so I brought the statue home and decided it was upto the statue to get to where it wanted to be. Sure enough the friend called within the week for an unrelated reason that needed we see one another again soon. The arrangement was made by the 'statue.' Something is not right with this story.

I have had many illogical events in my life that have stumped me and made me think 'something is not right.' These may be pleasant or unpleasant. Many a times I think I may have been hallucinating and call these events illusory.

Then it struck me - illusion does not follow logic! The inherent nature of illusion must be that it follows no logical rule. I know for sure that the dream was an illusion. I also know that it was illogical to think that the 'statue' could prompt anything. So what can I make of God? Since the sages have said He is the Omnipresent and since experiencing Him is difficult to explain in words I am choosing to believe that they could be right. There is no logical path that will take me to Him but if I choose to stay true to my conscience and keep getting to understand my own motives and those of others better I can make better life choices. The same tools that help me experience the material manifestations of God will help me experience God too. I enjoy seeing beautiful things so I choose to create beauty through whatever I do. I enjoy hearing beautiful words and melodious music so I choose to bring melody and joy through my own speech. I choose to be compassionate, understanding, non-judgmental and kind simply because these choices bring joy to me. I do not search for God anymore - I choose to acknowledge Him at every moment in everything everywhere.

Illusion of Destiny

It is said that "Eventually we shape our own destiny." The statement places destiny somewhere in the future. Since time is a figment of my imagination destiny is not in the future. Destiny at most is what life is at this moment. Making the best use of this moment makes me true to my life purpose and so to myself. No one has made my life what it is - it is so, independent of anyone else. I make the conscious choice to be. What is happening around me, with me, to me, because of me is for those unconscious moments when I lose touch with myself. When I am one with myself then I simply am and it is a moment of immeasurable joy.

There can be no projected destiny. There are just present life experiences to enjoy. Any impact I may have had belongs to the world of illusion. I am untouched by it all. When I have let go of the illusion there remains the awareness of a Stillness. From that Stillness arises more experiences - the difference is that the experiences now take on a new meaning. It is as if I am playing a team sport where there are no winners or losers. No one is keeping count of points won. We are all back in our innocent childhood sitting in a large circle passing a colorful ball around and having fun. Having the ball in my hand or in yours has no impact on the fun of the moment. We all know this is just a game for everyone to laugh and applaud through and simply be. When none of us identify success or failure with having possession of the ball, it is a sphere of joy. The moment we bring some rules into the game and change it to a game of passing the parcel things change. The innocence is lost. Everyone is attempting to dispossess the ball. No one wants to be excluded from the fun of belonging in the circle. Then the sense of separateness comes into play. The participants are the same, the ball is the same only the rules changed. The rules do not care whether they are followed or not but we are now slaves to the rules. We cling to the circle and cause others to be flung out of it. We use the rules to differentiate and cause stress and strife. Then the game is over. The rules do not exist but the participants have changed from being innocent children to being winners and losers. We identified ourselves with the ball, the game, the rules and forgot who we really were. We held on to the illusion and let the innocence go. We cannot go back and change the rules of the game. All we can do is remove the veil of the illusion and recognize that the game was not real but we are. The identification, the separateness, the change in behavior was in the moment and then the moment passed. We have the liberty to start a new game with a new sphere of joy and start having fun again in the new moment.

Illusion is the ultimate deception. It makes the non-existent real. The illusion is created by our mind. The mind gives it birth and the mind has the power to annihilate it too. Like a mother though, the mind cannot kill its own creation. The mind will not accept that the illusion is not real. If and when the mind begins to question the validity of its illusions the journey into spirituality begins. The acknowledgment that there is a God may come much earlier. Usually this God is a personal one who exists out there somewhere in the world of illusions. This takes us towards organized religion - we go to places of worship, create spaces like altars in our home, have religious celebrations, follow rituals and convince ourselves that there is a power that is beyond our capacity to fathom. We follow prophets, we read holy books, we acknowledge saints and sages. We explain the unpredictable nature of life and coincidences as the doing of the power who we may or may not call God. We differentiate life events, behavior patterns, even people into categories of good and bad. This is all part of the same illusion. As long as we cannot see beyond this world into the Real we are living an illusory life. We may find joy here but know for sure that misery will follow - the cycle is inevitable. For the illusion to exist there must be two sides to everything. Without a point of reference the world cannot exist. Without silence there can be no sound, without darkness there can be no light, without breathing out we cannot breathe in, without sleep we cannot be awake, without death there can be no birth, without an end there can be no beginning. That is the nature of illusion.

The ancient sages gave the example of a coiled rope that in insufficient light appears to be a snake. Once this illusion takes hold we cannot overcome it without seeing the rope in proper light. The rope here is the Spirit, the snake is the world and the light is enlightenment. Illusion must have a base. It must begin somewhere. What is the base? How did it begin? Where will it end? For end it must. Just as the wave begins and ends in the ocean so also the illusion must end in the Infinite Eternal Spirit. This Spirit or God or Super Power or Universe or Soul is the observer of this illusory world and we all can tap into it and become one with it. In the realm of the spirit there is no duality, no right and wrong, no good and bad, no real and unreal. The spirit simply is. For our senses and our mind that has dwelled in the realm of illusion it is difficult to fathom. As long as we can 'see' the snake in the rope we cannot see the rope. Once we see the rope for what it is though, it cannot cause any disturbance. We can associate with the rope and even laugh at ourselves for thinking it was a snake and move on. The illusion is a manifestation of Spirit. It deserves to be acknowledged and enjoyed keeping in mind that it is transient and a moving target. The manifestation thrives and grows but is limited and so cannot satisfy. The infinite, limitless spirit that we and this world are manifestations of is available for us to know and enjoy limitlessly.

Just as a seeing man cannot fathom the 'light' that the blind man or the 'sound' that a deaf man functions by the worldly man cannot fathom the light or the silence of the Spirit. Simply because ones mind and the senses cannot fathom it does not prove its non-existence. There are many who have experienced it and acknowledge it but cannot describe it because it is an experience at a level that cannot be put into words. The best way to let it be known is through silence, through stillness, through awareness and consciousness. These are elements that defy illusion. How can silence 'say' anything? It cannot - silence can only be just as God can only be.

It is believed that meditation can guide us into the experience of God. In the world of illusions meditation is often difficult. The mind must attain silence to experience God. The illusion of time is the greatest hurdle to meditation. The mind is either wandering away into the past or hurling ahead into the future. It is worrying about things that need to be done after this moment or it is dwelling in memories of times gone by. To stop this process is not easy. We have conditioned our mind to be thinking all the time. We now need to recondition it - not to stop thinking but to think only of the moment at hand. While I am writing if I focus on writing alone I find that the words flow. If instead I start writing a story that I have already thought out, the flow of words seem inhibited. I may have a story in my mind but I must write only in this moment for that story to be told with ease. It is the same with any activity. Being in the moment. So also meditation. Do not stop the mind from thinking just focus your mind on this moment. If I am sitting with my eyes shut then all I am doing is breathing so I bring myself to notice my breath - I may count the breath or just feel it as it passes in or out of me. Over time even this becomes unnecessary.

Meditation is not a moment with eyes shut tight trying to stop the wandering mind from achieving silence. Life is meditation, every thought is meditation, every moment is meditation. The world is a multicolored boundless paradise. Being in the moment is being acutely aware of not being just this body, this mind, this ego-centered person that relates to the rest of the world in a self absorbed way. Being conscious that the physical realm is a manifestation of something that is not tangible but which can be experienced at a much deeper level is what being is about. I have permission to enjoy everything around me without identifying myself with any of it. It is as if I am standing at the edge of the water on a beach. The soft tide brings in a small wave which plays over my bare feet and then it recedes. This tide of possessions, relationships, achievements and experiences are no different. They are here now and then they are gone. Just as the water has been left in the ocean everything will be left behind as I move on.

Who cares what the future holds for me? I did not know a year back what I would be doing today and I do not know now what I will be doing a year later. Let things fall as they will. All I do is live in this moment playing my role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, woman, person to the best that I am capable of. I accept every moment as it is for I know that this moment with everything in it will pass whether I think about it or not. Destiny is illusory only this moment is real and I am in this moment.

Friends - Updated (originally posted in October 2009)

I have been blessed with some wonderful and true friends over the years. There is a depth to our friendship that goes beyond time and space. They are always there for me and everytime we connect it is as if no time has passed and no physical distance was ever there.

I have found that there are some very distinct characteristics to a true friendship. Here they are:

1. There is never any misunderstanding between friends.
This quality comes from
2. A complete acceptance of one another the way each one is.

3. Friends are imperfect human beings who do not need to put on a false appearance between themselves. Imperfections are shown and are accepted. Age, nationality, language, color, interests are immaterial between friends.

4. Friends pick up where they left off as if they have been with each other in the interim. There is very little catching up to do in the realm of the spirit.

5. A friend can tell you what they think about you in any given situation and it is possible to accept the harshest criticism because you just know that your friend speaks from a space of deep connection. No pretenses needed, no secrets needed, never any hard feelings, never any doubts about intentions.

6. Friends love you more when you slip and fall. They laugh and cry with you. They tend to your wounds and hug and kiss you during your tough times. Their presence is felt even from across the oceans.

7. Friendships are made in heaven! I never chose my friends - they came to me as blessings of the Universe.

8. Loving a friend does not need outward expression. Friends love one another unconditionally.

9. A word between friends is sacred. That is the nature of friendship not of people. A friend knows what can and cannot be repeated.

10. A friend never dies. There is an attachment that is so much deeper than the physical presence. This connection cannot be set asunder. It is true friendship that proves the truth in Oneness.

I want to acknowledge my friends for giving me this insight into what relationships are truly about. I have quite a few acknowledgments but the one I must put on the top of my list is my dearest Baba. If not for his passing I would never have recognized the depth of true Oneness of the soul. We are together always. He is my dearest friend - he was in life and continues to be after his passing too.

Padu - you are my most cherished gift. You have shown me my strengths and my weaknesses with so much insight and so much love. We touch each other without ever touching one another! I love you dearly.

Rekha - you are my greatest cheer leader. Your humility, your honesty, your acceptance of me as I am is what I cherish so dearly.

Nina - In spite of your pain you give me so much support. I cannot imagine how you can be so much of a giver while claiming to have so little joy yourself. There is a connection between us that is inexplicable.

Swati - Acceptance - one must learn this from you. We hardly get a chance to talk, or be together or connect in any way - but when I reach out you are always there. Your emails and messages are always perfectly timed!

There are some others who are my great friends and have come into my life and given of themselves unconditionally. They have been instrumental in getting me to where I am today and on top of this list is my dear friend Linda. She is one person who always makes me feel special.

I am blessed with a family who have grown to become my best friends. My brother - our relationship is mostly a silent one. We are both lovers of silence, music and the written word. I learnt the value of writing from him. We spent very little time together even when we were growing up so his letters were my greatest connection to him. He is another cheer leader of mine - silently loud! I love you dearly.

The greatest love of my life - my husband - without whose unswerving support I do not know what kind of a person I would be. No matter what I do, say, or think his acceptance of me is unshakable. We disagree about many things and yet he is there dying to fight my battles and protecting me from the 'evil world.' I am probably his only friend. I love you more than life itself.

As for my two greatest joys - my sons and now my friends. Frank, open, mincing no words, loving me unconditionally. Their love for me is tangible - and not just because I am Mom and they should, but because they are who they are. I can talk to them about anything and I always come out having learnt something new! I have learnt more from my sons than I have from my parents - I take pride in saying so. I love you both very much. Your happiness is my joy. Be happy.

I am left wondering why I am unable to put my Maa on this list. Maybe because we have never really been friends. From her I learnt most of my values. For years she was on a pedestal and over the years her painful life has created a wall around her that is almost tangible. She never gives fully and receives even less. Seeing her as a friend is not possible for me. She is Maa and I love her dearly.

There are many I know with the potential to becoming true friends. As we get to know one another, our love, respect, acceptance will grow. In a few years my list may be longer.

I am also my own true friend. The one I am still discovering.

I end with my greatest friend - Writing.

I love you all dearly - unconditionally.

UPDATE: In the last couple of months I have had the good fortune of reconnecting with my classmates from elementary school and college. The bond between old friends is proof that Oneness is the only Real Truth. The connection is felt not just by the senses but by the depth of our very existence - the intangible yet ever present Soul.

I have also recognized that the friends who may not have been true to me and others to whom I may not have been true myself are just as closely connected to me as the true ones. I am one with them too - they have taught me valuable life lessons and helped me delve deeper into my own Spirit and find God. I will forever be grateful to them and wish them the very best in life.

May you, my friends, always have Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness as your constant companions.

Bliss is here.

"After every happiness comes misery; they may be far apart or near. The more advanced the soul, the more quickly does one follow the other. What we want is neither happiness nor misery. Both make us forget our true nature; both are chains--one iron, one gold; behind both is the Atman, who knows neither happiness nor misery. These are states, and states must ever change; but the nature of the Atman (Soul, Spirit, Self) is bliss, peace, unchanging. We have not to get it, we have it; only wash away the dross and see it." Swami Vivekananda

Pain and pleasure are not real. This was a very difficult concept for me for many years. I feel pleasure, I feel pain. I cannot accept that they do not exist. No one wants misery but imagine not being happy - but that means being miserable - or a zombie. It took me a long time to understand that having neither misery nor happiness means being stable in mind. It means welcoming both joy and tragedy as passing circumstances. I need to welcome both knowing that these are emotions arising from the external that cannot last. Neither joy nor sadness lasts a lifetime. They pass just as time passes. Circumstances are not responsible for our emotions - our reactions are what causes us to feel. When we are not aware of this we allow memories and past experiences to dictate our full range of emotions - fear, anger, joy, greed, envy, satisfaction and any other you can think of. We forget that every incident will have unique results. Inspite of seeing different consequences we are often blinded by one strong memory and let it dictate our emotional response. It is possible to break this cycle. We can choose to remain in the moment and savor life experiences as unique events that will be enjoyed for themselves. We need to step out of 'instinctive' reactions into 'intuitive' ones. Joy comes from moving out of reactive responses to ones that are inspired by our inner being in the moment.

Harboring strong negative memories causes us to worry, complain and regret. Making a concerted effort at living in the moment changes the direction of our lives. For instance a child raised in poverty can choose to be afraid of lack even as an adult or choose to enjoy everything he does have and be compassionate towards those with less than him. An orphan can choose to be mistrustful of others and to be afraid of abandonment or revel in every relationship he has with the rest of the world. We can choose to be afraid of a broken relationship and remain single or use it as a learning experience and develop a better one. We must come out of the past and be in the present and relish every moment of our life. That defines a stable mind. Joy and misery are not about fate and destiny - they are just the way the world of duality operates and when we recognize this illusion bliss becomes possible.

The more we separate the more miserable we are. Building boundaries and walls and enclosing ourselves within these with the intent to protect what is 'mine' is the cause of strife between peoples. It is also the cause of strife within oneself. Separating Me from God causes innumerable varieties of fear. When I choose to treat my body and mind as the manifestation of the Spirit and identify myself as part of a larger Whole I necessarily become kind, compassionate and loving. My mind and body connect with all around me at a level that goes beyond the tangible differences. I cannot see the similarities but I can feel them. The visible differences then become a palette of colors that bring beauty and wonder to the world of duality. I must acknowledge that there are specific differences that can be identified in the physical realm - but this is something to celebrate and use as a pathway to venerate the capacity of our collective creative Soul. It is the proof that we are all One. We are all born and we all die and at both these moments we have nothing that we can identify with in this world. It is between these two periods in time that we develop an identity that is in reference to what is around us in the realm of tangibles - that is all. We came, we enjoyed and we will leave like guests at a worldwide party in one large open garden. Let us enjoy the party and share in everything there is to enjoy without building walls and causing strife. When it is time to leave, the garden will be left the way we found it when we arrived so those coming after us can enjoy its beauty too.

I want neither joy nor misery for it is not mine to have - they are just borrowed emotions that I let bathe my soul for a moment and then I let the same moment pat me dry so I can be in Bliss.

Fear of Death - transformed.

In the world but not of it. That was difficult. To have a family and a society, to provide for oneself and the family, to be safe and healthy one must be involved in the matters of the world. To be successful in the world required me to be part of it. Seems I had misinterpreted the meaning of success. Accomplishing a goal or purpose defines success. I had intertwined success with name and fame and also with pre-determined standards set by others. When I set myself up in competition with others I became part of the world. This wanting to be better than someone else pulled me in and I lost my uniqueness and so my own identity. Competition with myself - doing the best that I am capable of keeps me in the world and keeps me within myself. It helps me to go deeper into my infinite wisdom and get in touch with the Universe at large without becoming a slave to the world outside.

The moment this wisdom became apparent the world became a fun place. I have no control over outside circumstances. People will choose their ways, the environment around me will change, my life will continue on with or without me anticipating or worrying about it all. I am better off spending my time understanding my own potential. Gathering worldly knowledge and understanding its ways is for information purposes only. It is so I can be in the world. The more I know about the world the more I know Me. The more I know Me the more unaffected I am by the world.

I have heard that if one knows the date of their death their view of life changes. That got me thinking. I have been exposed to death of loved ones and I know what it does to those left behind but I have never thought of death from the perspective of the one facing it. I know with absolute certainty that I will die - but I have not given that eventuality any thought except to pay for life insurance. I was afraid of death. There is no way for me to escape my demise. I know everyone will die - there is no way to escape that either. So I must face death fearlessly. Death felt like loss of the identity that I present to the world. The reflected little self that was in competition with others. Time is important in the competing world. How soon can I achieve success and how much can I attain in my lifetime - these are the bars by which I judged my success. There is another fear associated with death. The fear of not knowing what comes after death. People who have had near death experiences refer to a brilliant white light - the scientists explain it away as a misfiring brain stimulus or something. So I really was uncertain about what happens after death. What I have seen is the body going into rigor mortis and people getting rid of it. They do it with a lot of reverence but - it still is just discarding it, getting it out of the way. The end. The realization that death is a transition just like birth, childhood, adolescence, youth, adulthood and all phases before and after, changed the fear to excitement. Since all the other transitions were so joyful then this transition must be fun too. And if death is followed by birth and if I can live better in the new birth by simply doing good in this one then let me do a ton of good and enjoy myself now and later. I no longer worry about what is awaiting me tomorrow and who is doing what when. I live my life from moment to moment - gathering knowledge, having fun, being kind, compassionate and loving and just being.

In my childhood I did not know what was in store for me as an adult - but I wanted to grow up. I saw adults around me and their life seemed good - so I wanted that. Life has not been all fun - because I chose not to enjoy every experience. No experience was responsible for me feeling pain or joy. It was my attitude that determined the emotion. All my experiences were due to a combination of many factors. Some I was responsible for, some others were responsible for and still others were unknown and often unfathomable. My reaction to each of these experiences though were completely mine. When I opened myself to this fact - I became more conscious of myself. I learnt that living vigilantly aware of myself was the only determinant of my joy. I now find joy in every experience.

How do I find joy in the death of a loved one? Do I not feel grief? Of course I do - but I do not wallow in the grief. I think of the good memories that this person created for me. I celebrate the good fortune of touching this soul and learning something from the association. I enjoy knowing that we had a regret free relationship. With this joy it becomes easier to treat others with compassion and love. I understand the pain that death creates for others for I have felt it too and I know that time will never heal the loss. But I do know that since all of us will die it is essential that I accept it and move forward living every moment in service to the joy of my own soul and the soul of others. Sorrow does not mean that joy must be replaced. Grief has a place in my life as much as joy does. Sadness is a side of my emotions that makes me love and be compassionate towards everyone around me so their absence from my life is a regret free one.

I do not anticipate my death to be any different than life. Just as I adjusted to all life transitions so far - childhood to adulthood, single to married, childless to motherhood, one house to another, one continent to another and then another - I know I will adjust to death and rebirth too.

Knowledge such as this makes me more accepting of the world around me. Not only do I respect others I have learned to respect myself. I harm no one and I let no one harm me physically, emotionally or spiritually. Everyone has a right to live their life their way - so do I. I am an imperfect being in the eyes of many - but to me I am perfect the way I am at this moment - physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. All because I am in touch with the deathless Me in this moment.

Speaking the truth.

Speaking the truth is a noble quality. It is an essential element of a spirit based life. Yet there are times when we hesitate to speak the truth. It could be because the truth would be unkind or harsh and hurtful to another or because the truth could hurt the person speaking it. What then? What takes precedence? Is one justified in lying then? What determines this decision?

All through life this had been a burning question for me. Are there certain conditions under which lying is acceptable? Each time the answer came up as a No. Does that mean I do not lie? Not at all - I do - sometimes. What a terrible position to be in. Compromising with my own sense of values is painful. What kept me from always telling the truth is conflict. Confrontations made me uncomfortable. I felt being argumentative was dis-respectful. A value I learnt as a child. No one told me what was more important. Being disrespectful was a visible move away from a learnt value while lying could be hidden even if it was for a short time. Being driven by the approval of others made being deferent more important than being truthful. It was seemingly easier to compromise with myself than to be considered dis-respectful by others.

The guilt that consumed me after each lie I spoke has built up. The lie and the circumstance were forgotten soon after but there is a residual burden left behind that is unfathomable. Most of the lies have been evasive responses to questions whose answers may have proven to cause pain to or conflict with others. Over time I realized that it was not my lie or truth that caused conflict - it is the interpretation put on it by others that leads to conflict. Now that I have stopped depending on the approval of others, being completely truthful is proving to be a relief. I do not need to evade questions anymore. I do what I want when I want where I want how I want knowing fully well that I am being completely honest to myself and to others. It is not that the thought of being judged does not cross my mind - it is that the judgment does not matter anymore. I enjoy the freedom of being myself - faults and all - knowing fully well that I am perfect as I am.

There is a definite change in my mindset because of this new relationship that I have developed with Myself. I understand how infinite its power is just as I realize how finite is the power of the ego. I can see the line dividing Me from my ego. I can tell when my ego is raising itself and passing Me by. I can choose to stop the ego in its track whenever I want. The ego's journey is a very fragile one. It places me in a glass house that can be broken anytime. The ego is capable of highs and lows and goes through cycles of pleasure and pain, good and bad, wrong and right all the time. Without putting a label to whatever it encounters it cannot exist. The moment I refuse to let it label it loses its power over me. My senses relish all that it beholds when no labels exist. It is not the senses that derail me as much as my mind does. When I am vigilant and in total control of my mind my senses have no hold over me whatsoever. What I eat, what I read, what I hear, what I smell, what I feel is all beautiful when I behold these with my inner being. They all bring pleasure. Even the bitter gourd tastes perfect! It is meant to be bitter and enjoyed just so! It is when I try to avoid tasting its bitterness that it becomes unbearable! What is ugly? What is jarring? These are all my mind telling me what to choose as good and bad. By itself no sight is ugly no sound is jarring!

The curry last night looked different than expected and so did not taste so good! The movie was made by a romantic and so did not meet the standard of comedy! There are so many things that we choose not to enjoy simply because we have prejudged it or labeled it based on our expectation. To expect is one thing - to be attached to that expectation is what makes life painful. There is another reason we often do not enjoy the physical - our curiosity to know what something is as also our need to know everything about anything. These needs make it impossible for us to accept things the way they are. We are tasting a good dish and are bent on figuring out the recipe to enjoy it another time. Let go - enjoy the dish by being in the moment. So what if you never can repeat that taste? When we think about it and just let go of these expectations we find that the world takes on a different color and texture and that it is all pleasurable - no matter what it is that we experience. It is our ego that wants us to be attached to our memories and to good experiences since it is afraid it will lose its identity unless it stays attached! You see the ego does not possess an identity - it is a reflection and so non-existent. When the mirror on which it is reflected is gone it is gone. Letting it go voluntarily opens us up to the infinite. This infinite is eternal and blissful.

By becoming conscious of the ego I found myself. I realize that all I have done and experienced all through my life was necessary to bring me to where I am. I needed to separate my ego from Myself so I could know Me. It is possible to live in this world, enjoy the world of duality and still be unaffected by it. It is possible to love and to be indifferent at the same time - one is no different than the other. It is possible to have and relish things and be detached from them. It is possible to be compassionate and weep and still be logical and make good life decisions. All of this and more is possible simply by finding the true Entity that is I. We can choose to have a lasting relationship with our ego or our True Being. Telling a lie is not necessary because the only real conflict one can have is with oneself. Opening oneself to what is takes this conflict out. Conflict is the reflection of duality - when one sees through what appears as dualistic the real becomes apparent. Conflict is time bound - when one lives in the moment every thing appears perfect - as is.

The truth is my way and it has set me free. No fear, no evasions, no confrontations. There is only truth, love and peace within and without.