Sunday, October 4, 2009

From Gossip to Silence

Gossip is defined as rumor or talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. It is possible to gossip with oneself about oneself. I find myself doing more of this and thinking a lot less about other things. I made a choice to spend more time with myself so I am not distracted from my move further inward. A lot of time has been spent thinking about my nature and analyzing everything from my thoughts to my weight, my breath, my emotions and my relationships. I have always enjoyed talking to myself and have used these conversations to know me better. Self gossiping has helped me find sparks of my true nature and helped my inward journey into my inherent goodness.

Self talk has taught me that to find Me, I need to experience myself at a much deeper level. The physical, mental, emotional, intellectual experiences that I have with myself are still very superficial. There is something much deeper and that is the essence that I must find. Gossiping to myself about myself brings on an excitement and increases my curiosity about myself. These internal dialogues have given me glimpses of a deeper me, but now I must learn to silence the conversation. Curiosity has the tendency to take me into the past and the future - not the directions I want to take. As this urge to silence my mind further has been growing stronger I came across a subject called Vipassana Meditation. Something I had never been privy to before. Now it seems to be all around me. Such is the generosity of the Universe.

Becoming aware of the 'Now' is a technique that the Buddha taught twenty five centuries ago. It is a method that helps one go deeper and clear the mind of its cravings, aversions and attachments. It is a form of meditation that I have been searching for. I am aware that concentrating on my Ishta can take me only so far since that form of meditation limits me to the physical form of my Ishta. Meditation on another object brings surface calmness but lacks the wherewithal to hold me in the realm of spirit for long periods of time. There is an absolute need to go much deeper inwards where the awareness is a lot more subtle. I have started my journey into Vipassana and am finding it to be very challenging. The mind keeps going towards my japa and my Ishta and of course other worldly affairs - but practicing the technique is simple enough and I know since it has been thrust upon me I will get there.

Silencing the mind is an exalting experience. Often I get there for split seconds and it is like a burst of energy, an inner light, an inner flash that leaves me overwhelmed. These flash moments are truly beautiful and am hopeful that with practice I will have many such moments. I am unable to describe these flashes as peaceful yet. They are vibrations that cause strange sensations within the body very similar to getting goosebumps and having butterflies fluttering inside me. At first I was left feeling strangely disappointed by these sensations but over time realized that this disappointment came from my association of these sensations as arising from fear or anxiety. Are these sensations flashes of myself revealing itself to me? Are my senses therefore, incapable of deciphering them?

Every journey I take towards my inner essence brings on experiences that are very revealing of the dream that this life is. The fears, the anxieties, the pains, the pleasures, the events, all of these are transient and extremely superficial. They have caused me many trips through hills and valleys all through my life. I realize now that these journeys that were often extreme were essential for me to get to this point of self contemplation. The events happening around me reveal how strong the ego is and how strongly it veils man's true essence. Life experienced superficially is one that is laughable compared to the one led from the depths of the spirit. It is possible to live in this world and be unaffected by the physical realm. I can enjoy every moment as an experience that takes me Godward if I continue to live my life from the exalted place of my spirit. The ego must only be used as a tool to help me stay in the physical realm so I can enjoy the spiritual one.

This journey I am on from self gossip to silence is a uniquely beautiful one so far. I am alone on it since this is one journey that requires to be taken solo. I am surrounded by many but I experience my journey all by myself. How exalting.

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