Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Balance

It has been a challenging week with the addition of Insulin to my treatment. I was first diagnosed with Diabetes almost 12 years ago. Even then it was perchance and the doctor was surprised that I was functioning normally in spite of the unbelievably high blood sugar levels. He did not put me on insulin then since my body had adjusted so well to the high sugar levels and insulin could shock my system. He started me on tablets and have been on different concoctions ever since. Eventually insulin has become part of the regimen. Adjusting the dose to bring balance is the challenge. I was started on the long acting once a day injection at the lowest possible dose. Am at 6 times that now plus the short acting kind three times a day and have still not come down to normal levels. The journey continues with increasing doses each day. This is why I chose to postpone the meditation course. I am glad I did. I will be able to enjoy it more in June when the sugars are in balance.

At first I was okay with the high sugars, then they became physically exhausting and the mind came down a notch. Then with the help of the mind I was able to pick myself up again and stay on the path. The body is a friend of the ego you see. The ego tries everything to draw me away from the path of the Spirit. And as I have said in my earlier posts the Spirit will let ego take over anytime without a second thought. This experience is showing me though, that once I am on the path recognizing the work of the ego and knowing how little it is worth helps me stay focused on the Truth. This body is definitely a temple to my soul and therefore needs attention and care but the body is only a part of the support staff - my Spirit is still the one at the helm. My attention cannot be taken away from the Spirit to care for my body. It would be like having a gold gilded palace with no owner. Could be easily looted away leaving it in ruins. I must care for both. This world is infused with Spirit too and my body is part of that world - just as my ego is - Omnipresence cannot exclude the ego. Creating the balance and using the ego to do so keeps me on track.

For years I took care of my worldly life and lost my true self in the process. The meaning of Love and Peace and Abundance and Wellbeing was so different then. Being in love was more important than being Love. It was necessary for something to belong to me for me to love it and for it not to belong to me for me to crave it. A depraved sense of love. It was about attachment and possessiveness and greed and lust and a fear of loss that defined love then. There was a sense of fight and stress in it. Today Love means a sense of belonging to the feeling itself. I love and do not need it to be reciprocated. I am not blinded by Love and I do not need to justify why and I do not need to know how. Love is, like I am. I love me not because, and not inspite of - I only love myself as I am. Do I need to be loved then? No, Love has no need. Very different from worldly love and without the experience of both I would not have known this.

Diabetes is a fact of this life I am living today. It may be with me for the rest of my days - and I have embraced it. All it has done is changed my lifestyle - not my life. I need to care for my body so I can continue to be in Spirit. Being in my soul is liberating. It is as if nothing can touch me. Even if I take a trip with ego I know I can come back to It. It is truly Omnipresent.

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