Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Concession vs Compromise

I just realized I have been misusing the word 'compromised' - I have always 'conceded!'

Be happy about it :(

Life has been a series of concessions. Give in, be happy about it, and proud of myself. I am not sure why I chose to fool myself this way. Maybe it is because I am a woman and an East Indian woman at that, who needs to consider everyone else's needs before my own. I never thought about my truth. Even as I write this I can feel the hesitation about being blatant regarding what I really want to say. It may hurt some people in my life. This, though, has nothing to do with anyone else. It is how I have treated myself. No one asked me to concede. I could just as easily have stood my ground, but chose not to.

I am queen!

My father, who is still my only real hero, always told me that I could be me and achieve anything I wanted to. Unfortunately I only had him actively in my life for 10 years. I took his lesson to heart and passed it on to my sons, but never really imbibed it myself. I live in this make-believe world where I am queen of everything and everyone around me, but in reality I simply hand my power to anyone who asks for it and pretend it is in my best interest too. It never is, I end up giving a part of me away.

There is no way to get the power back, as once given away it cannot be recovered. The power is inherent and I need to learn to use it wisely by drawing from my deep sense of self worth and self awareness. Over the years I have learned so much about myself and each discovery has surprised me, since what I thought was the right way to be, was harming the real me. Insidiously I self inflicted pain while vicariously celebrating the joy of others. For fulfillment life must be balanced. The joy of others is just as important as ones own joy. There is a joy in seeing others happy but to truly appreciate that joy one must nurture and respect ones own passions too.

I have given up careers for the welfare of family. It is not the giving up of careers that I am concerned about, it is the expectation that I should and would, that is the problem. To go from being a physician to an accountant to a home-maker because of the needs of my family have taken a toll. Being versatile is a great asset, but it also means shutting ones passion off. I am a healer - I believe I have the skills to help people who are ill. I am a writer - I can express my innermost experiences through the written word. I am not an accountant, nor am I an administrator, though I did well while I held these positions at work. When I ease the pain of another I feel complete, when I balance the books I feel........ job completed. No work is right or wrong, but how I feel doing the work is important and I feel rewarded when I help ease the pain of others and joyous when I write. I do not need to earn money doing these - I almost feel dirty using these as a means to an end, but the economics of family life has required me to sell my skills for a price.
Priorities are better aligned! :)
Today as I face another challenge in life I am wondering what I will be called upon to do, and how I will handle it. I know better and I should handle it well. I will go within me to find the answers and not accept what the materialistic world outside is demanding of me. Life priorities are better aligned now. I can truly compromise if the need arises, but I need not concede.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Bringing back my Muse

My muse seems to have taken a long break. Have not written seriously for a while now and I think it is the games on my phone that are to b...