Love

Love - with a capital 'L' - the spiritual kind - what is it and how does one know it is not the worldly kind? Sometimes just saying what it is not has to suffice - that can be frustrating. Experiencing Brahman is indescribable because once described - It's essence is lost. Experiencing It seems like the only way out. This may have been more in previous centuries since only a select few were blessed with the experience. Today experiencing Bliss is possible for us all - without exception - just like the sages and prophets have been telling us for ages.

Most mornings as I sit in silent meditation I am enveloped by a sensation of openness - as if everything is flowing through me - in one way and out another. It is as if I am in a single vibration with everything else around me. The only thing I am aware of is a sense of being Love. The sensation, the vibration the flow all seem to be showing, saying, feeling Love. It is a new sensation and yet not a strange one. When I felt it for the first time I knew what it was. Till then I understood it and I knew that when I connect with another in Love it feels great but now I know Love and understand why it feels so great.

Expansion is a great feeling. It is both inclusive and singular in nature. Oneness makes me a part of It; at the same time I know I am. These sensations (which they are really not) stay with me for some time and yet I can see everything as separate from me. The seeing and the experiencing are different in nature and yet the same. It is as if a needle has gone through a fabric and made the thread it was pulling behind it a part of the fabric and then left both the fabric and the thread behind. Something has infused me with a sense of Oneness and yet left me experiencing separateness.

Change is the only constant in the physical realm (although many would want us to believe that man cannot change for the better - remember the once a liar always a liar, once a rapist always a rapist claims?) - nothing is sustainable without change and yet Oneness is unchanging. It is the base without which this changing world would not be possible. Oneness is what makes change possible. Some changes come about by choices we make, others are out of our control, but changes are happening all the time. I have changed over the years. I have striven to become 'a better person,' driven by what society defined as better - changes brought on by choice. I realize now that one change that happens and lasts is the experience of Love. I am referring to a progression from 'being in love', to 'being Love.' Being Love is an essential element of Stability of the Mind. Love is incapable of fear, hatred, indifference or sorrow - to be one of these it has to change and Love is, so it cannot change.

First there was the love that I felt towards family, friends, and possessions. I was in love and expected to be loved in return. The word love is erroneous here - it should be attachment. I was attached to friends, family and possessions. This attachment took me through peaks and valleys of emotions that made the experience very superficial while making it appear deep.The depth was one of despair - this cannot be love. Then I began to experience love for myself. This was definitely a foreign feeling. I grew up believing that loving oneself was a selfish act - and being selfish was taboo. After being exposed to Western Spiritual teachers I realized that without loving myself first it was impossible to love others. Once I started introspecting to figure out what about me was lovable my journey towards Truth and Love took on a different meaning. I understood the meaning of unconditional love. Practicing it calls for conscious effort. Unconditional love requires giving up being judgmental, it means going beyond right and wrong. Being raised to value righteousness made being accepting of everything difficult. As I learned to accept myself I began to accept others too. As I grew to love myself I learned to love others too. It is easier in theory than to put it into practice. Living in solitude has made it possible to grasp the true essence of Love but I am still not able to stay true to it. The ego is a believer that separateness is the way to happiness and that there is a distinct place for right and wrong or at least for good and better. More specifically the ego believes that some deserve to be loved and others not.

Love feels right, and it brings me closer to experiencing Oneness or Truth or God - which are all one and the same thing. I cherish Love and want it to become my only way of life - simply because it opens up a portal into the realm of the Spirit that brings Bliss. The ego has its place in my life - it keeps me alive in the worldly sense so I can experience God, and that I do not want to part with yet. So I care for my physical needs using my ego to judge good and bad and then I tuck it away so I can simply Be. I love Love for love itself.

Balance

It has been a challenging week with the addition of Insulin to my treatment. I was first diagnosed with Diabetes almost 12 years ago. Even then it was perchance and the doctor was surprised that I was functioning normally in spite of the unbelievably high blood sugar levels. He did not put me on insulin then since my body had adjusted so well to the high sugar levels and insulin could shock my system. He started me on tablets and have been on different concoctions ever since. Eventually insulin has become part of the regimen. Adjusting the dose to bring balance is the challenge. I was started on the long acting once a day injection at the lowest possible dose. Am at 6 times that now plus the short acting kind three times a day and have still not come down to normal levels. The journey continues with increasing doses each day. This is why I chose to postpone the meditation course. I am glad I did. I will be able to enjoy it more in June when the sugars are in balance.

At first I was okay with the high sugars, then they became physically exhausting and the mind came down a notch. Then with the help of the mind I was able to pick myself up again and stay on the path. The body is a friend of the ego you see. The ego tries everything to draw me away from the path of the Spirit. And as I have said in my earlier posts the Spirit will let ego take over anytime without a second thought. This experience is showing me though, that once I am on the path recognizing the work of the ego and knowing how little it is worth helps me stay focused on the Truth. This body is definitely a temple to my soul and therefore needs attention and care but the body is only a part of the support staff - my Spirit is still the one at the helm. My attention cannot be taken away from the Spirit to care for my body. It would be like having a gold gilded palace with no owner. Could be easily looted away leaving it in ruins. I must care for both. This world is infused with Spirit too and my body is part of that world - just as my ego is - Omnipresence cannot exclude the ego. Creating the balance and using the ego to do so keeps me on track.

For years I took care of my worldly life and lost my true self in the process. The meaning of Love and Peace and Abundance and Wellbeing was so different then. Being in love was more important than being Love. It was necessary for something to belong to me for me to love it and for it not to belong to me for me to crave it. A depraved sense of love. It was about attachment and possessiveness and greed and lust and a fear of loss that defined love then. There was a sense of fight and stress in it. Today Love means a sense of belonging to the feeling itself. I love and do not need it to be reciprocated. I am not blinded by Love and I do not need to justify why and I do not need to know how. Love is, like I am. I love me not because, and not inspite of - I only love myself as I am. Do I need to be loved then? No, Love has no need. Very different from worldly love and without the experience of both I would not have known this.

Diabetes is a fact of this life I am living today. It may be with me for the rest of my days - and I have embraced it. All it has done is changed my lifestyle - not my life. I need to care for my body so I can continue to be in Spirit. Being in my soul is liberating. It is as if nothing can touch me. Even if I take a trip with ego I know I can come back to It. It is truly Omnipresent.

Wellbeing

The mind is a busy beaver - building dams protecting itself from imaginary attacks. Yet it knows that it is it's own and only enemy. The mind is powerful and controls it's own joys but for some reason it loses sight of this and scatters it's powers away. Once the mind has grasped it's true capacity there comes about a sense of equanimity that is wondrous to say the least.

Meditation brings the mind back to it's natural state after all the curves that life throws its way. I had a rough week health-wise. The blood sugar is not doing as well as I was hoping and have resigned myself to taking insulin. The timing has a message I clearly needed to hear. For a few months now I have been planning to travel to Canada for the Vipassana 10 days training course. I was supposed to fly out on this coming Sunday. I had planned two full days with loved ones before going into silence and then one day on my return from meditation before flying back home. I was excited and was hoping to have in-depth understanding of my problems with diabetes, obesity and self care. Over the last few months of contemplation and meditation I have realized how little I do for myself - for the person who I need to care for most.

I planned my trip around my blood tests and doctor's appointments and when the doctor prescribed the insulin I delayed starting it till I got back. But all of last week I felt extremely unwell. The blood sugars shot up, I felt exhausted, feverish, and dizzy. My body was craving for attention like it has never done before. I had no choice but to start the insulin right away, get myself up on my feet and exercise as if my life depended on it so I could bring my sugar levels down. Starting an insulin regimen means staying in touch with the physician till the dose is adjusted to what the body needs. Well - out went the silent meditation. I had to postpone my trip and stay put so can take care of myself. The Universe is speaking to me. There is a distinct message - take care of the body - it belongs to Me and must be revered. The experiences of Oneness, of Bliss, of Peace and Love must include My body - the one I rarely care for. My body has been my biggest challenge (no pun intended.) I am not quite sure what lies behind my neglect of it and I doubt looking for it is important. All I know now is that it must be cared for and kept in wellbeing if I have to enjoy Oneness. Healing is bigger than curing issues - it is about being well. I must correct my errors with the help of my Spirit but without the physical effort this wellbeing is impossible.

Along with my mental and emotional wellbeing I must strive for good health. They all go hand in hand. It has taken me a while to recognize this. Having children who are as knowing as my sons are helps me see things I am blinded to. Ever since this episode of ill-health Avik has called me every night - his 'knowing' awes me. He has been my cheerleader and keeps feeding me important information without making it sound like he is preaching - and yet with every conversation I have learned something important, something handy, something useful, something motivating. I know he has been busy - he just moved house - but he has still made the time to be there for Mom. I am blessed. I have been an imperfect Mom but have somehow ended up with two very caring young sons who guide me through life like very few others have. I have always said and would like to repeat - I have learned more from my sons than I have from my parents - and I have learned one hell of a lot from my parents.

Thank you boys - for coming into my life. I love you. As for myself - it has taken me a while but I can see now what true Wellbeing is really about. It is about uplifting ego-free thoughts along with detached action. I am not focusing on the results of my meditation, medication, diet or exercise - just on taking all the necessary steps required to stay well in this moment with full attention to the moment. Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing or a sense of Oneness - one or all of these require full attention to the moment - all else just follows. The mind travels too far into the past and the future and finds reasons to be fearful - staying present each moment is the only meditation required to be in Love and at Peace always. The nomadic mind is a bane, this moment is eternal perfection.

Inherent Goodness

For years I have known that there is an inherent goodness in all of us. This is not a belief, it is a knowing. Most of my loved ones - family and friends - have always said I am naive to think this way. I have never quite agreed with them, but I did try to see things from a different perspective - theirs. If I shut my inherent knowing out then it is easy to believe that there is so much evil in the world. Even people like Maya Angelou talk about, 'First time someone shows you who they are, believe them.' The basic premise being that people are incapable of changing - for the better.

I know this is not true. The only thing necessary is the desire to change. If I can see my behavior as an error in ways I can correct it. If I am labeled as a liar, or a rapist, or a thief and begin to believe I am that then I also begin to believe that I am beyond repair. There are many spiritual organizations that are visiting prisons to help rehabilitate inmates and they are showing positive results that have never been seen before. The change is really a shift from identifying with the ego to identifying with the Self. Nothing more. Self Realization is not all that difficult. It is the expectation that it will be a mind blowing event that makes it appear remote.

Ego is fear personified. It is afraid of losing its identity. This comes about since the ego identifies it's existence with the body,with possessions, with name, fame, glory, external beauty. Tangible but transient things that it knows can never be forever. Ego depends on the five senses to appease it's thirst for victory. The more it has the more victorious it feels and the more sorrowful it makes our lives. The ego begins to believe it is invincible and eventually ends up defeating itself and making errors along the way. Once the realization of the errors of the path is reached it can be reversed. That is when rehabilitation begins. Confession is about this return journey towards our Spirit and is a very fulfilling event. It is the point at which our surrender to our own Higher Self happens and change becomes absolute. Changing my way without knowing Myself is always transient. Permanency can only come with Self Realization.

Doing evil is about committing errors - one error is not bigger than the other. The ego wants us to believe it is. It justifies some of it's errors by grading them. An extra cent returned by the cashier - from the ego's perspective pocketing that cent is no big deal - the value of the error is in the cent. The knowledge that I have pocketed an extra cent takes me away from the present moment and makes me think a series of unnecessary thoughts. No different than if I had pocketed a large bill. The quality and quantity of the thought is immaterial - all that matters is that I was not able to stay present in the moment in both cases. Staying true to my inherent goodness keeps my mind in the present moment at all times. It is ready to be Inspired always. It is ready to serve, to love, to be at peace, be happy, be present and at One.

Doing evil is not about being evil. It is about being afraid. Fear is what motivates evil thoughts and actions. I may not be able to identify the fear or even choose not to acknowledge it but deep down I know that every evil thought is based in fear. Fear about something as primal as losing my own peace of mind prompts me to think evil thoughts about the other. When I am established in Love and Peace in my core then fear is unable to overpower me. Swamiji talked about doing no evil in action or thought. I often think evil thoughts and pat myself on the back for not acting on them - but a negative thought is no smaller error than a negative action. The ego sees it differently only because it has a different set of values from the Spirit. To be able to Love unconditionally is the only resolution. Goodness is shrouded by fear. Recognizing this is a beginning to the return journey.

Being good takes no effort. It requires no planning, no conniving, no secrets, no formation of teams - nothing. Goodness has no degree - it is a function of a stable mind that is in perfect alignment with the Soul. In the Silence of the mind - the gap between thoughts, Goodness abides. The longer the gap the more I enjoy the moment the more inspired I am the more merged I am in Me. Goodness is my knowing and I bask in it's Glory.

Miracle Mindedness

When our ego tells us something is impossible and it happens the ego calls it a miracle. It does not want us to believe in Reality, you see. The existence of our ego is dependent on our believing that we are our body, mind and intellect. It's power lies in our believing that it is who we are and it collects as many forms as it possibly can to take us further away from our authentic self.

A good friend prompted this writing. She is looking for authenticity in her life and relationships. Who defines this authenticity? How do we define authentic? "Having the origin supported by unquestionable evidence." The origin and unquestionable evidence. Is this possible in the world of duality? Origin - what is original? Unquestionable - is there anything like that? It is all about perception. What came first - the egg or the chicken? Original is nothingness and what question can there be about nothing?

As I practice silence I can see my thoughts in a different light now. Thoughts are really only about the past or the future. The Now has no thought attached to it. Thoughts only fill the inherently silent mind with clutter. The base on which thoughts appear is really blank. The ego hates silence because then it has nowhere to hide and it is afraid of nowhere and nothing. How paradoxical is that?

The miracle mind is one that is ready for Truth to be written on it. The ego will not allow this because it is afraid of the Truth. Ego and Truth cannot co-exist. Unfortunately for the ego, Truth is always present and so ego fights to hide it however it can. A small glimpse of the Truth is inevitably followed by doubt about its existence. Staying in the Now is difficult only because the ego is fighting to have complete control of the mind. The ego must make the mind think about meaningless things to keep it too busy to delve into this moment of Eternal Truth. The struggle that the ego goes through every moment must be silenced if I have to be in Truth. Even writing and contemplation are egotistic functions. The Truth has no degree and so finding it cannot be in the journey - it must be the destination. This the ego finds hard to accept - it needs to be on the move, compromising with itself and trying to convince the mind that over time the Truth will be revealed. As long as I am on the journey the Truth will remain veiled. Not because It does not want to be found but because It does not need to be in conflict with the ego which is a meaningless imaginary entity created by itself for its own survival.

Miracle mindedness sees the evidence of Truth in everything. It has no room for judgment since it recognizes its own being and so the 'isness' of every other being. It is like when a child gets home and calls mom at work to ask her to hurry home as he just polished off the casserole he found in the fridge. Dinner needed to be cooked. Smiling to herself Mom reassures the child that all is well. You see she knows there is another casserole ready in the freezer in the basement. So also the mind that knows the Truth remains calm in the middle of meaningless chatter knowing how transient everything else around It is. Truth has all the ingredients of Power in it. What are these ingredients? Knowledge, Purity, Love, Peace, Happiness and Strength. These ingredients promote Unconditional Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness with all. That is the Miracle.

One Step Forward

The ego is a difficult entity to control or even keep in sight at all times. Yet without that awareness, being completely true to Oneself is impossible. The ego is what separates me from my True Self and controls my body-mind-intellect complex with ease. Me - my Spirit - prefers to remain an observer when the ego is ruling. It is only when I am consciously aware of my ego that I can attempt to be true to Me. Not that the ego is always doing the wrong thing - it can be loving and kind too but it is also a show off at that time. The ego does everything to increase its own power. In that sense it is completely self absorbed.

What then is the difference between the self absorption of the ego and the Self absorption of the Spirit? The Spirit is all pervading and so It's absorption in Itself includes all - there is no hunger for power or control. That is what makes it so easy for the ego to take over. If the Spirit had wielded It's power over the ego Its purity would be lost. The Power of the Spirit lies in Its capacity to give in to the truancy of the ego and remain an impartial loving observer. Clearly that is my inherent quality and the inherent quality of all of us. We are capable of remaining loving observers of everything happening in the world. To remain in this world and express this quality I need to train my ego to be all loving and imitate my Spirit. The ego has not yet been able to identify what is in it for it! To respond with love towards the most abrasive, the most demanding, the most violent means losing the battle and the war as far as the ego is concerned. But is it?

What is fear or hatred or violence but disruptive vibrations exuded by minds? What is the best way to nullify these? More of the same can only increase the disruption. A soothing vibration is the only way to quieten a disruptive one. That is simple physics. I know that the vibration of Love is exactly the opposite of fear. Giving in to violence in love is very different from giving in to it in fear. Giving in can be my strength or it can be my weakness depending upon where the reaction is coming from. How do I know where my reaction is coming from? When it feels good - in a soft way without feeling as if I have won or lost a battle; when I feel at peace with the decision and not belittled by it - when I am left unruffled - my reaction is coming from love.

My thoughts are the easiest for me to change, my feelings are more difficult. Feelings have been established due to years of wrong thinking and the memories they have left behind. With practice I can watch over my feelings and reverse them, it only takes longer as they are deeper in my subconscious. Deeper still are my emtions - the ones I have the most trouble keeping in check. I can see that inspite of my thoughts being markedly improved and my feelings being calm my emotions do flare up leaving me wondering what more I need to do to stay focused on my True Identity.

My emotions - whether the positive ones or the negative ones can be aroused even when I am conscious of my thoughts and feelings. For example; my son called to say he had an accident. It was nothing major, the car was slightly damaged. No one was injured. I talked to him, tried to make him comfortable about the situation and bring his confidence back but I was still frustrated at his negligence and by the turn of events that led to the accident. The event had already happened, nothing untoward came out of it. I knew there was nothing I could do yet the emotions did not stay at bay. The only way to get to them, understand them, and master them is through deeper meditation. I have proof that meditation is a powerful tool that brings lasting change to the workings of the mind.

The ego is a fearful entity - it's worst fear being its own destruction. It will do whatever it takes to stay alive. Years of wrong thinking has empowered the ego. Fortunately my Spirit is unchangeable and whenever I call upon It to guide me It does so willingly. Habit has made it difficult to let It be the doer. Hours of keeping the mind in constant company of the realm of the spirit through books, the web and writing has made it possible to recognize the benefit of cultivating new thought patterns and pursuing them. Contemplation and meditation establish right thinking that changes feelings and replaces strong emotions.

I am looking forward to learning Vipassana and staying present in the world and not giving in to everyday temptations that enhance the power of the ego. Staying ever watchful is the journey and it is outrageously beautiful.

From Silence to Stability

Stability is considered a negative in the world of economics - it means absence of growth they say. In the world of the Spirit though Stability is an essential aspect of growth. A stable mind makes it possible to go deeper and discover one's True Self - the one that is the Ultimate, Omnipresent, Omniscient, Omnipotent entity that defines us all.

What is Stability of mind and how does one achieve it? A stable mind is simply one that does not react either positively or negatively to any stimulus. It accepts every thought, event, person with complete equanimity. To achieve this state there has to be an understanding that the world at large is only an illusion and transient. To get to this stage one only need study everything that has ever happened and recognize the truth of this. This must be done with an open mind and the results that come out of the observations depends on the stage of stability that a person is at. Each of us is always right no matter what the conclusion since it is a subjective exercise.

Over the years my observation has changed. At first stability of the mind was only a myth and something that was a theory found in books. Completely unachievable - an Utopian idea. I even thought it was a form of escapism. Then it seemed possible under certain circumstances - like in lives of monks who have secluded themselves and do not have to deal with the vagaries of life. With time I began to acknowledge that after about the age of eighty and living a life full of peaks and valleys some people may be able to achieve this state. Now I know that this stability is available to anyone who chooses to have it. As a matter of fact the earlier one achieves it the more blissful life becomes. Living harmoniously is only possible when the mind is unruffled.

Our mind-body complex is the greatest deterrent to our spiritual progress. The senses tempt the mind and easily take control of it. The mind begins to identify with the sensual pleasures and is blinded by this identity. The egocentric thoughts only get stronger and have a powerful hold over the mind. Things, people, events become all important and the capacity to discern the real from the illusory is completely lost. It is not as if the mind is incapable of understanding this difference it just refuses to understand it because it has so much fun being out in the illusory world. Pleasure is to be had even in pain. We repeat our painful stories to others and more often than that to ourselves. We relive sad events of our lives and keep them alive even when the event itself is past. How masochistic is that? Nothing is gained by holding on to pain - except that the ego is sure of not getting overpowered by the Spirit. The reign of the ego is threatened when we bring ourselves into the present moment every moment and accept all that has passed and do not focus on the imaginary future.

My father passed away when I was a teenager. I love my father as much today as I loved him then - love does not require him to be present in my life if it is unconditional. When my love wants my father physically present it proves that mine is a conditional love - it is conditional upon he being alive. Reliving his death and causing myself pain, reliving the fun moments and bringing pleasure both cause my mind to become unstable. One is not better than the other. Memories need not be lost but I cannot give all of my power to my memories. I can think of my father and feel the love that I feel when I look upon a rose bush in my garden or a grand old oak tree in the park or a hare hopping across the walkway into the woods or a dead deer as it lies beside the roadway - since all of it is just an illusion.

It has taken me many hours of silent contemplation and meditation to tap into this knowing. Many of life's experiences had overpowered me too. I could not see the folly in getting involved and enmeshed in the drama of life for as long as I was living as if I belonged to this world. Then a few major incidents of the world made me stop in my tracks. A dear friend gave up on our friendship. I had not foreseen this. I was sure that the friendship had a strong base as it was founded on spiritual likeness between us. This was the second time such an event has happened in my life - a person I thought touched my soul gave up on the joint pursuit of spiritual growth. Another was the fallout of an enterprise that I had undertaken with someone I considered like minded. It ended with me feeling that every intention of mine was misconstrued. Then there was an event that made me feel mistrusted and disrespected by someone very close to my heart. With all of these events the common factor was me. It made me think that there was something about me that caused me to feel betrayed, misunderstood, disrespected. The mind loves to lay blame and take me on guilt trips as this only strengthens the ego.

I spent hours contemplating over this - not on the events themselves - but on my feelings and thoughts. I prayed fervently that I see the light and then one night as I sat in silent meditation I 'heard' it. I had lost control over my mind. It was the instability of the mind that made it appear like all of this was about me. It was not. With every event and every person I had been true to myself. I was being me. How someone else saw me was independent of me. How then was I betrayed, misunderstood or disrespected? Why does it matter how they looked upon me when I know that I was true to my nature? I am perfect as I am - a child of God just like those who judge me. They are and I am. That is the only truth. My perception of their judgment of me is just as immaterial as their judgment of me - both are unreal and independent of the Ultimate Truth that is unchangeable. I love all of my judges and thank them for being my teachers on my journey to finding this beautiful Child of God.

I have taken a long step towards knowing me better. The drama is fun to watch. I can play life as I watch it for as long as I do not become attached to my role in it. I am an actor with a beautiful costume, expensive jewelry, state of the art make-up - but even more fun is knowing that my part in this drama is all a game and when one game is over I can go to the next with a new set of costumes completely unaffected by my previous role. That is the strength of my very soul. I have identified the essential Truth - the Knowing, Pure, Loving, Peaceful, Happy, Strong, Powerful Me. This identity brings Stability of the mind and makes it possible to be in this world and not become part of it. Spectating life is truly blissful.