Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All of Me

I have a hidden dark side too. The one that is capable of anger, lies, hatred, jealousy, fear, and many other emotions that are available to mankind. Yes I am capable of all that, given the right set of circumstances. What a shocker. Here I was thinking I am this perfect Bliss and Joy and then I was prompted to ask if I could experience anger or frustration again. At first I laughed and said, "No way." I know now that I have control over my mind and I can choose to think positive even if things are not going the way I wish. Life is not about me and my wants and desires. There are so many justifications for not falling into negative thought processes. But this was not how I always was - this is a learned quality and so it is only a part of who I am at my core. I cannot deny the other side of me. In the privacy of my home I do get angry and frustrated and downright bitchy.

My fear now is not that others will not approve of me but that I have an ego that will take me away from my path to spiritual oneness with all. My fear is that I will be the one who judges and separates others from me. My ego and I are still struggling with the idea of who I really am. I am not my body, mind and intellect. Body, mind and intellect are mine. It is like me identifying myself as the clothes I wear instead of identifying that the body is wearing the clothes. This shift in consciousness is difficult to hold on to without daily practice. I 'know' that this body-mind-intellect is a sheath and that the divinity I am is who I really am but without that vision constantly in my experience it is difficult to stay focused.

I am neither positive nor negative - these words describe my thoughts. These thoughts are definitely influencing my behavior but do not define the Me that is Pure Consciousness. It means that Joy and Anger co-exist in my mind and that they both deserve to be embraced. As long as I see these emotions as separate and different from one another I see me and others as different too. I may be less angry today because I see the folly of anger but it is still a part of my psyche. I still enjoy being joyful more than I enjoy being angry or sad. This degree of more and less is a figment of my imagination. Stability of the mind is the order of the day and I must learn to recognize that both are emotions and both are part of the same spectrum and neither can have a lasting effect on me. What lasts is my equanimity because at any given moment everything is stable and eternal. The off and on of this field of vibration that is the world is eternal and completely unaffected by my ups and downs of emotions. My perception is what makes things appear up and down, good and bad, right and wrong. Up, down, good, bad, right, wrong all bring their gifts with them. All I have to do is open myself up to the gifts and receive them with equanimity.

Debbie Ford's books are an eye opener into the darker side of me. Even if I cannot associate my present behaviors with emotions like anger, jealousy, spite and revenge what is to say they were not part of me in the past and will not be part of me if the circumstances are conducive? An interesting concept to say the least. Acquired qualities that I may have hidden are still mine. My conscious recognition of these emotions and of negative thoughts are necessary for me to be able to acknowledge and accept them. I must reconcile myself to the absolute fact that I am made of every possible emotion, thought and feeling that is - how else can I claim to be One with all. If I separate the bad from the good then I must separate me from the others - there can never be separation where there is Oneness - and Oneness is Real, separation a dream.

I am a peaceful, loving, blissful soul but I am also a violent, hating, indifferent, mean, sad soul. One is not better than the other - they belong together and must be accepted as is. I AM. There are no conditions to it. You too ARE - no conditions. I not only have to be able to see this, acknowledge this and accept this - I must also LOVE this. I can only BE if and when I am complete. I live in the world of duality and have learned to differentiate good from bad, right from wrong but that is not how it is. Everything just is - no labels no qualitative differences allowed.

So who am I? I am a Perfect Soul. I have permission to have all emotions, all feelings, all thoughts and they are all perfect too. So I am Joyful, Blissful, Loving, Sorrowful, Angry, Jealous, Kind, Mean, Sweet, Bitchy, and whatever else I and you can possibly be capable of - infinite and eternal. I AM ME.

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