Where do I stand?

Today I will be hosting a radio program at a local station - community radio. I have been interested in hosting for a long time and I appreciate the opportunity. I am nervous about it even though I have been practicing keeping the mind stable and living in the moment. I have spent time preparing myself for the program - deciding what to say and what music to play during the hour. I have done what needs to be done in terms of planning and the rest will move with the time I spend on air.

As I watch my nervousness I wonder what is causing it. This is not a job that I am depending on financially - I am volunteering my time. Majority of the listeners do not know me from Eve and so it really does not matter what they think of me. If the feedback is good, bad or indifferent will really not matter to the radio station or to me. This is my first time at it and if I make many errors or feel uncomfortable I can just drop out of future programs. No one will remember me and that is that. So this nervousness is not about the rest of the world or even any one person. This nervousness is about me. This is my obsession with doing everything well - the first time. I have always been this way. What I undertake I must excel in. I can take criticism. Over the years I have faced many judgements from many people and not only survived but grown stronger by learning from them. The only criticism I seem to fear is the one I shower on myself.

This aspect of myself is purely ego centered. It comes from the inherent fear of failing. Intellectually I understand that failure is a step towards success but emotionally I believe that true success is about getting there without any slip ups. The need to be perfect reigns supreme - where perfection is a destination. Like all other destinations once I am there it stops being important and yet I have put so much attention on the destination that the journey there has been missed completely. This time I made it a point to remember that the stringed moments to air is what is important. The awareness is good - it keeps me in touch with the real Me. This journey was a test of my practices of contemplation and meditation. There are no passing or failing grades in this test - just an opportunity to assess the gap between thought and emotion. I realize that I am intellectually very ego centered and emotionally still immature. I am still afraid of failing even in apparently insignificant things. No - the program was not insignificant - but in the larger realm it has no value whatsoever.

Getting in touch with my emotions and expressing them has always been a challenge. What I say rarely reflects how I feel deep within me. This has led to me not being able to reach that deep seated emotional side of me. I refrain from exposing my true feelings even to myself. As I took the conscious steps into that journey over the last few days I liked what I discovered. As I have been practicing being kind over being right the need to be right has receded. I am not as plugged in to situations and people as I used to be. I take what I hear as information rather than as judgement and am able to accept opinions that differ from mine and remain unaffected. I am not in a rush to please anyone. This has created a sense of peace and confidence that I am enjoying. I find that it is possible to be honest and kind too simply because I am always conscious of the feelings of others. I treat them like I want to treat myself - with love.

Now if only I can stay in touch with my own emotions and recognize my feelings I can also change my thoughts to bring Love, Peace, Abundance, Wellbeing and Oneness into my own life with a lot more confidence. (Above piece started on 16th May)

PS:(May 21st) The program went well. There were no glitches and all the information that I wanted to include was in and within good time. I feel better for having gone in as prepared as I did - it made the job so much easier. I enjoyed the hour as much as I enjoyed the moments that took me there. I am looking forward to the next one.