What will I take with me?

For the last 2 years April has been a month of deeper contemplation than the other 11. It was in April 2014 that my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer, operated on and has since been in remission. The 10 days he was in hospital were intense and spiritually revealing. It showed me the importance of silence and the power of personal strength. For the first time in my life I was aware that I was not being motivated by adrenaline - I was not in fight or flight mode. I was acutely aware of everything that was happening around me and I was acting accordingly. I was making decisions guided by something bigger than me. I was more attentive of what was happening around me because I was acutely aware of what was happening with me. That sense has stayed with me ever since. It humbles me to know that I was purposefully ignorant for a major portion of my life. Not that I know it all now, but that life event, has shown me that wisdom is infinite and life experiences are the tool that opens up the eternal library of wisdom. We only need the wherewithal to learn.

In this my seventh decade of existence I recognize that I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I have this moment and no guarantee that the next one will be upon me. This April I have spent thinking about my own death and what that means to me. What will I take with me on that journey from the world I know. Death means I leave everything of this material world behind. My family, my job, my home, my possessions, my writings - everything will most definitely be left behind. Right now I do not know how much longer I will live so I have no idea how long all of these are here for me to share and enjoy. In a generation I, this physical me, will be completely forgotten. That I existed will be a story told by those who will survive after me.

I do not know where I am going after death. My belief is that I will be reborn, but I do not claim to have any scientific proof of that. Yet, I would like to hold on to the belief that something of me will move on. I do not know where it will go - but science says that nothing ever comes to an end, it transforms. We also know that some qualities of the original form remains in the transformed form. Simplistically water came from being in a gaseous form and can convert to the solid form but the chemical composition of all three states remains the same. I believe that what gives life to this physical body is an energy that will transform or simply move out of this physical body and go somewhere. So what will that energy take with it?

This life cannot be without meaning. Even if some claim that my coming into existence is a coincidence, it is not purposeless. Nature shows us that we are all co-dependent. The trees, the soil, the waters, the air, the beings all serve some need of another so we can co-exist. That in itself is proof to me that I am for the benefit of some or all of us. If that is so, then what is it about me that is beneficial to this world? My answer is - it is what I do that benefits you. All that I do for myself comes from my dependence on something or someone else. It therefore is clear to me that what I do for other beings or to other things is my purpose. My actions - good or bad - that have impacted this natural world around me have left indelible marks on my Energy and these will leave with me. These actions have not changed my Energy but their effects are being carried and will remain with me. Some of my actions have borne fruit in my lifetime and may have been fully expended and converted into something else. Say I have hurt you and you still carry that hurt, then that energy has not yet been expended. If you have been kind to me and I am carrying that energy of kindness when you pass on, then that energy has not been expended and you will have taken it along with you.

With this thought in mind. I wish to ask for forgiveness for any pain I may have caused anyone at any time during this life. Please know that even if I may have had any intent to hurt, earlier in my life, I no longer have that in me today. I beg for forgiveness. If I have been good to you, I would like to thank you for giving me such an opportunity and suggest you move forward with the benefits you may have reaped and pay it forward. I want to say thank you for all the love and kindness I have received in my lifetime and let all know that I hold no grudges against anyone and do not intend to for the rest of my life here.

I am not intending to die soon - just that I want to have no loose ends when I do. I therefore, wish to express my love and my gratitude for this life that I am living. I want to be able to carry good karma with me so I can continue to be loving and grateful for eternity. If I am reborn that will mean bliss and if for some reason all of my babble above is not true and just my imagination at play - no harm done, right? Goodness is a good thing to take along and leave behind. :)


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