Generosity Appreciated

The trip to India had many highlights - each could develop into an article for this blog. The one that is most positively significant is the fruition of my association with The Wisdom in Kolkata. So I choose to pen this down first.

Like quite a few great friends - all like minded women who have impacted my life greatly, I met Sukarna on the web. At first I was not quite sure who this lady was. She and I were both followers of facebook pages for Paramhansa Ramakrishna, Saradama and Swami Vivekananda. We commented on these pages and sometimes acknowledged each others comments. I searched for her on facebook and found no further details. Over time though, she populated her personal profile and I learnt more about her. We come from different professional backgrounds, live in different countries, were raised in different cities so other than the fact that we speak the same languages and love and worship the Holy Trio there was little we had in common - or so I thought. As a matter of fact I even found some of her comments on facebook a little off the path from my own. In short I was not quite sure that she and I would be anything more than facebook acquaintances.

A few months into this I decided to de-activate my facebook account as nothing constructive was coming out of this experience. Within a week I received an e-mail from Sukarna asking if all was well and expressing her concern for me. I was touched by this selfless concern from a web 'acquaintance.' She and the administrator of the Holy Trio pages had noticed my absence from the pages, had searched for me on facebook, found no signs of me there and had taken it upon themselves to check in on me. That showed me an aspect of Sukarna that made me want to know her more.

Sukarna then sent me an e-mail suggesting I look into a website (www.thewisdom.in) that described the workings of a Non Government Organization (NGO) that she had decided to start up. I visited the site and sent out a one line response congratulating her on her noble efforts and asking if I could help in anyway. Sukarna's response was effusive yet simple - "become a member."

Education has been a major interest of mine for many years now. I was raised by a father who emphasized that only through sound education would I find true success in life. He drilled into me that to experience true joy inner beauty was more important than the physical outward one. I do not claim to have appreciated this as a child but over the years I have discovered that my father was almost 100 percent right. The outward is important for first impressions but it loses value over time and what is inside becomes paramount. This inner knowing finds expression through sound education - where education is not about books, classes and degrees alone. Education goes deeper than that - into character building, learning to respect, being compassionate, being fearless, being discerning and being good. I have in small ways tried to contribute to educating those less fortunate, so when this invitation to become a member of The Wisdom that emphasizes education came along I saw it as a sign from God.

I had hundreds of questions about this endeavor and was a pest to Sukarna and her husband Alip. I bombarded them with questions via e-mail, over the phone, on e-chat, and on Skype so I understood the intent, the objectives, the workings, the pitfalls, the commitment and the effort required to run an organization like this one. Some of my questions were completely off the mark and made it clear that I knew very little about NGO's in India. I did a lot of reading about NGOs, education systems, West Bengal government policies and so much more so I could be a knowledgable and contributing member of the organization.

Before I left for India in January 2011 Sukarna and I moved from being web acquaintances to long distance friends. I grew to love and respect her and recognized how compassionate and passionate she is about education in general and about the underprivileged in particular. Meeting her for the first time in Kolkata in early February 2011 was a confirmation of what I had envisioned her as. Sukarna is about loving, giving, nurturing and smiling all done with complete humility. My only concern is that she will take on more than she can chew and I keep reminding her to take good care of herself.

Sukarna's qualities of loving, giving, nurturing and humility reflect beautifully in the workings of The Wisdom. At our first meeting held at her home in Kolkata I had the good fortune of meeting Sukarna and her immediate family (mother, husband and son) and Dr Mishra (from Bhubaneshwar) for the first time. The Wisdom is really Sukarna's dream but she opened it up for us to walk into and help develop so we felt like it was our baby. That takes a big heart - and Sukarna demonstrated she has one. Dr. Mishra comes from the education field and is extremely valuable to the fulfillment of the objectives of The Wisdom. He too is a giver. He inundated us with ideas and his knowledge about the administrative aspects of running an organization transparently and effectively gave us a major boost in being able to get the ball rolling. It was as if the stars were all in perfect position for The Wisdom to take form.

Without giving special mention to my friends and family for their financial and moral support I cannot move on through this word journey. None of the donors asked for any details or proof or results before they generously gave me money for this endeavor. We thought we would first need to run income generating programs to raise the funds to start classes for the children we needed to cater to. It feels great to say we started our first classes in Garia in the 1st week of March thanks greatly to the trust, faith and selfless generosity of friends and family. We are continuing to work so we can become a self-sustainable organization that does not need to depend on donations alone - but this first boost from generous donations has gone a long way to give us the impetus to start.

The classes are proving to be a huge success with the children and their parents. It is so heartening to hear about the events of the classes from Sukarna who teaches the children herself. The students hail from Class 6 to Class 10. They arrive an hour before starting time and are disappointed when class is done. They want to learn more and are voraciously taking in everything that is being taught. Sukarna is teaching them to read and write English but more importantly teaching them how to be kind and respectful towards one another. A snack is provided to them at the beginning of class which the children seem less interested in than the books, pencils and erasers that have been provided to them. They come prepared with questions and complete all tasks given to them.

Many of the students travel by public transport to get to the class. Some are accompanied by a parent. So far we have 28 children attending regularly and more are wanting to come on board everyday. Parents of younger children are requesting us to help their children too. There is a sense of euphoria that I can hear in Sukarna's voice when she talks about parents who are excited their children are getting an opportunity to learn in an environment that makes them feel loved. The videos of the children introducing themselves is interesting to watch too. There they are - many probably for the first time ever - being given an opportunity to introduce themselves as a person rather than as part of a poverty stricken mass!

The Wisdom was started as we felt the need to give the next generation of the marginalized society a fighting chance in this dog-eat-dog world. The Wisdom will succeed because these children are saying loudly and clearly that given the opportunity they can succeed and make our world a better place. With a combination like that bundled with the infinite Grace of God and the generosity of all, the future generations will make this world beautiful.

Please do pray for the children and check us out at www.thewisdom.in - any questions or if you would like to help in anyway our contact information is available on the site.

Eureka!!!

My blood is sweet! I am sweet through and through.

I have been under a homeopath friend for a few months now. She very kindly offered to treat me and I took her up on it. Very few patients can fathom the workings of deep acting homeopathic remedies that may be prescribed a couple of times over the length of treatment. Fortunately for me being a homeopath and understanding the Hahnemannian (my word) philosophy I can see the changes it is bringing on me.

I was given a single dose of a remedy one morning. That day I took a major tumble! All morning I kept having a premonition of falling and when I eventually did, it was a relief. I had bruises, aches and pains for a few days but God bless Arnica and I was back on my feet soon. Being as heavy as I am and seeing how awkwardly I fell it could have been a lot worse.

The next couple of weeks seemed uneventful but soon I felt upset, depressed, sad and was wallowing in self pity. "Poor me. No one cared for me. I am a giver who gets nothing in return...." I love to care for people. It makes me feel good about myself. I am always trying to be a better person and what better way than to be a do-gooder? I of course took it too far outward. I forgot to care for myself. At first all this awareness was painful and it made me wish it had not come upon me - but now I feel freer, lighter and clearer. It feels good to care for myself - to do what I want without feeling guilty or embarrassed or ashamed. I answer to no one but my Self.

That took a couple of weeks of processing and getting back to being my happy self again. I am more aware of myself. The diabetes that has overwhelmed my body comes from a deep seat in my mind. My desperate need to be sweet. To be liked seemed my purpose for most of my life. I was nice, sweet, kind, compassionate not to benefit you but for you to like me. That need to be sweet took over first my mind and then my body. I must get rid of it from my mind for it to leave my body. That is exactly what I plan to do.

I am a perfect human being. I am a kind, compassionate, giving, bright, spiritual light that is in this Universe to serve Its need whichever way It needs to use me. I am also here to receive Grace in whatever form I get. I now get pleasure from being good, honest, compassionate, forgiving, loving, helpful towards myself and others. It is not because you need me but because I enjoy being there for you. If you tell me to leave you alone I will do so with a smile - this is not about you! So I continue to 'do' what I always did - I just do it without a predicate attached to it.

This is liberating and as I write this I can feel my blood clearing up. I am definitely on my way to recovery - insulin and all will soon belong to the past. I can feel it. Thank you Lori for taking me on and helping me not just with the prescription but for listening to me express what my mind and body are constantly whispering to me. I know many of you reading this do not see the homeopathic connection here - but those of you who know better do see it, right?

Fulfilling needs.

Coming into this world automatically places us in relationships. Dependency becomes part of life and taking lessons from society we begin to enhance dependencies. Life circumstances make us dependent on some and dependable for others.

As we enter the spiritual realm we aim to be self-sufficient. We derive joy within ourself. Pain and misery come from our relationships with others. There is very little room for suffering when one is complete in oneself. I think it is impossible to serve others selflessly unless one is fulfilled within.

Attachment is the inability to be self sufficient. I find that giving of myself to others is very fulfilling but there is an expectation that I will be replenished by something or someone else. Self care is not my forte. I am more comfortable caring for the needs of others, helping heal the wounds of those around me. I have not tended to my wounds, have not acknowledged my needs. It is small wonder then that no one tends to me. There are many ready to point out what requires my attention - my blood sugar, my weight, an untidy desk, an unmade bed - as if I am neither grown up nor intelligent enough to know this.

I was advised to start my day by journaling my needs. I sat fingers poised on my keyboard and till noon my screen was blank. This is unusual - even when I have bouts of writers block I can fill a screen in a few minutes. I have no needs - my needs are all reflections of what my family and friends need. I would rather do without so you can have it all. No matter what I am doing I will make time for you. Your phone call, your problem, your sorrow, your pain, your joy, your story will always supersede mine.

I have prided myself on being extremely adjustable to my circumstances. No matter which direction the curve ball comes from I smile, face it, and lead others through the ordeal. Any personal challenge and I go the distance alone. I now recognize that this does not come from a space of fulfillment but from some other place within me. I do not question the pleasure I get in serving the needs of others but I wonder why I have never tried to fulfill my own. Another journey inwards through the maze that brings me closer to Me.

Degrees of truth!

For many years I believed that telling the truth was essential but may not always be possible. There are times when speaking the truth when weighed against its effect make it necessary to lie! That should be okay - or should it?

Is there place for half truths or even maybe avoiding the truth with the intent to mislead? There is a saying in Sanskrit that says - "Speak kind words, speak the truth - do not utter unkind truths." I took this to mean that it was better to lie than to speak an unkind truth. Now I know it means - always speak the truth but be kind with your words. There is no place for lies in a pure heart. Untruths sully the heart and take us away from ourself. With every truth we utter a veil is removed and we get closer to our inner being.

There is no degree of truth. Either one speaks the truth or one is a liar. There is no grey area in this realm. Truth releases us from all other forms of deceit. Just as fear and love cannot co-exist so also fear and truth cannot co-exist. Truth opens us up to accept consequences and so bring closure to the cycle of action and reaction. Lies seem to move in a spiral and often the consequence seems far out. Truth on the other hand follows a straight line to the result. The shortest route is that straight line.

Reward and punishment is not in the hands of a super power up above us - it is in our own hands. The truth eventually is revealed no matter how hard we try to cover it up. With every reveal truth makes us stronger. Imagine never having to lie - it means never having to be afraid. Not afraid of being caught, of having to defend, of having to cover up, of losing self respect and self worth.

Truth has been under-rated for a long time. It is the essential key to a pure life. May truth be victorious again.

Grace for my Uncle

Saturday morning started off with sad news. My only surviving Maternal Uncle had passed away. It was the day after the Festival of Lights - and it brought back memories of a day 35 years ago. That too was the day after the Festival of Lights and about the same time that my father had passed away.

My uncle was a fun loving young at heart man all his life. All of us loved him dearly. Our children loved him just as much. He made every one he met feel special. He was genuinely interested in what each of us was doing, in our interests, in our family, in our city, in our relationships and in everything that made us feel important. I am not sure how he did it but he made everyone feel that their life was an amazing one. He never seemed old in his dealings with us even if he could not quite remember our birthday or when we last met. He invariably remembered what we had been passionate about the last time we had spent time together. Even in his eighties he put many of us to shame about everything and everyone he was in touch with.

Loving Chhoto Mama was easy. He was there if and when we needed and wanted him without ever interfering in our life. He was there to encourage us even when we were doubtful about things. He never hesitated to voice his opinions about things but he loved us even if we disagreed with him. He just made his displeasure clear and moved right on loving you. How can you not love someone like that? He was a good sport. If you wanted to party he was right there partying with you. Dinner, drinks, dance, games, jokes, stories - he participated in everything. We needed his advice on something and he would listen and put things in perspective - we came out clear headed and feeling like we had made a decision on our own. How can you not feel good being around someone like that?

It definitely helped that his life partner my dearest Aunt is such a warm and loving soul herself. She made it possible for him to continue being who he was. She was there by his side always - taking care of him, being his better half and loving us just as much. I hope we can be there for her as much as she has been there for all of us. She was a pillar of strength for me when my father passed away. Having her in the house and seeing her confident, smiling, caring, warm person there was my soft spot at eighteen. She has always had a very special spot in my heart and I smile everytime I think of her. I know she is there for me no matter what. I love her dearly.

As for my sisters - they mean the world to me. Both of them are chips of the same block. Loving, caring, warm and beautiful. I reach my hand out and there they are. I feel blessed to have them as sisters. I wish Mami, Bubu and Bonu the very best and know that Mama is looking down at us all with pride and joy no matter where we all are. He personified unconditional love and his soul will always be amongst us. Death must come for each of us - but it is a small moment and so I want to put death aside and truly celebrate Mama's life. I want to feel his soul, his love, his warmth and his magnanimity and I want to keep smiling. God graced us with this wonderful soul and I thank God for blessing us so.

35 long years

Thirty five years ago today my father left his body and seemed to leave us behind. It was a very sad day for me. I was 18 and I had lost my guide, hero and best friend. It took me a while to acknowledge that because the first thought was not about my loss - it was more about relief. I write it right. I was relieved that I would no longer have to worry about my dearest father dying. His dying had been my worst nightmare for many years before the actual event. I am not sure now what I was really afraid of - if it was what the future would hold without him or if it was the moment of his passing. I still cannot put my finger on it but it did not take long for the fear to be overpowered by the grief. Thankfully though, the grief did not last too long as it was soon replaced by all the wonderful memories of some great little moments that I had the good fortune of having with my dearest Dad for the last ten years of his time with us.

Today I recognize that Dad left his body but has been with us all through these years and will continue to be with us for as long as we are and then some. The mark he left on my life has carried me through just as much as the mark left by my mother, my late sister, my brother, my spiritual teacher, my husband, my children, the rest of my family, friends and those who I have had the privilege of ever associating with. Each soul has touched mine and made an impact that has either taught me something, given me something, or added to my growth. The first person who I must acknowledge for all I do is definitely my dearest father. He was a simple man with a lot of depth. He did whatever he undertook with so much love and care that the result just had to be appreciated no matter what it appeared to be. I remember Dad making a large pot of guava jelly once and I am not quite sure what happened but instead of the clear jelly that should have been the final product it turned out to be murky. I felt so sad. He had put so much effort and care into the entire process. I refused to eat anything over my toast till that jelly was done a few weeks later! I do not remember the taste but I do remember Dad beaming every time he saw me eating the jelly. That was all that mattered to me.

Dad taught me that it was okay to be indifferent but never to be unkind. He had had a challenging childhood with a wicked step mother but never once did I hear him curse or be rude to or about her. He simply refused to talk about her with us. Clearly it was a very painful subject for him. Instead he talked to me about the love he was showered with by the rest of his extended family and his beloved cousins became family. They loved him just as much as he loved them and to this date I am so glad that they made up for all the pain that he had ever suffered.

My father was by no means a perfect man but he expressed his perfect soul through his kindness, love, assertiveness, disciplined life style, morality, honesty and integrity. He is my hero and will always be that. He is my best friend and nothing can ever change that. He is my guide and even today I judge a lot of what I do based on how Dad would have judged my actions. He has never ever let me down and am certain he is proud of his little girl.

I love you Baba and always will. The beautiful memories you have made for me keep me smiling. Thank you for being you and for being my wonderful Baba.

Identity Crisis - Resolved

Life is complicated. Joyful one day, miserable the next, jubilant today, despondent tomorrow. Unpredictability makes life stressful and challenging. I was hired at a great company today and so I am on top of the world. My boss is a tyrant so I am in the doldrums. I found out I am pregnant and nothing could take this joy away from me ever, but the morning sickness the next day makes me wish I did not have to go through with pregnancy to have my own child. My teacher praised my essay but my classmates left my name out of the class project that was presented in assembly.

Well of course we are on a roller coaster ride - life is not fair. Things done with the best of intentions backfire. Good things happen to bad people and terrible times befall good people. That is what life is about. The world will go on its way, independent of me. The wise understand this and move on without it affecting their emotional stability. Many of us do not understand this concept. We identify ourselves with our relationships, worldly possessions, body, mind, work, position and everything external to us. When these change our state of mind changes. That is what stress is all about.

Relationships which carry the weight of dependence often become unbalanced. One dominates the other. Control issues arise. So it is with life. When we identify more with one of our roles it dominates over the others. This is visible in mothers with careers. The struggle of living upto both roles tells on her health, her family, her emotions and wreaks havoc in her own life and in those who are around her. If she loses her job or her child goes wayward she is devastated and overcome by guilt or anger. She has lost herself in her child and in her career.

It is for us to recognize that life is not about what we do but about who we are. The roles we play in life are what we do to survive and enjoy as a species. Who we are as individuals is what defines each of us and this world. Our identity is the one that is changeless. It is the base on which we carry out our various roles in life. It defines what we do, how we think and builds our character. It is our core and we must look within ourselves to get in touch with it. It does not need a name. It is that feeling of love or guilt or joy or pride that wells over as we go about doing things. It is that feeling that guides us to do what feels right and good and makes us think twice about doing what is wrong and evil. It is not the doer it is the witnesser of everything we do. No - it does not sit above us in heaven and reward us for the good and punish us for the bad; it is our conscience at its purest.

How does knowing this help us relieve stress? For one the bar of good and right changes. The good things that we saw happening to bad people are no longer the good we are looking for. The belief that the honest get nowhere looks hollow and laughable. Honesty, truth and integrity become the qualities that guide life. Secondly we are no longer perturbed by the ups, downs and curves that we are faced with. We begin to recognize that every challenge has a solution and that we will pass through every situation and move on. Nothing is here to stay not the good, bad, right, wrong, painful, joyful or any other situation. Our state of mind guides us through various emotions and we can choose to keep the unpleasant emotions out of our life. Knowing who I am helps me understand who everyone else is too. What I do is not a reflection of who I am unless I am God-centered. Being centered in myself guides me to do what is moral. My true self never misguides me. This is the identity that I must hold on to. When I let my ego self rule me I stress myself out. It is not that my ego self always makes me do wrong - it too guides me to do right but for the wrong reasons. Self absorption is the motive of the ego and selflessness is the basis on which the spirit works through me.

A selfless life is a stress free life. It is the ego that is misguided and is always looking out for itself. Even service and charity can be done with a self serving interest. I serve you because you need my service. I am therefore better than you, more blessed than you, superior to you. Selfless service and charity is done because you are blessing me with the opportunity to do good work. I am grateful for this opportunity to serve. This attitude lets us work with no expectation of return for you or for me. We are in this together and as one. Work undertaken with this attitude is not about the hours or the pay it is about doing a good job - how then can it cause stress? I do my very best knowing that the results are not guaranteed. If the results are good that is my bonus - if it is bad no harm done I move on.

I am an individual playing many roles. I am not the roles. I am in each role. I answer to my name to some, mother to some, sister to some others, aunt to still more - but through it all I am the same individual. Who people see me as is my outer surface, and this changes all the time. The changeless me has and will always remain the same. Since I identify only with the inner me I project myself evenly through every role I play. I am an honest, loving, compassionate, person who lives with integrity. I choose not to judge anyone because I know that what I see them as is one of their many roles. The only truth about them is that they have a changeless identity that is no different than mine.

What keeps me true to myself is my knowing that I have the potential to be perfect in every role I play. I live a moral, honest, giving, receiving, joyful, guilt free, stress free life. Every skill I have learnt is of the same essence. I am stable in the belief that my purpose is to identify, acknowledge and express my inner being through every role I am destined to play. The world is not mine to dictate to but neither am I of the world to be dictated by it. The changeless me does not let me compromise with my values even if my ego pushes me to. My ego belongs to me and is my tool to survive. I am master of my mind and I choose to entertain only those thoughts that expand and take me Godward.

Spirituality is the basis upon which life can be lived - by conscious choice. Being a selfless person who thinks about the good of all including oneself is what spiritual living is about. There need be no gap. I am clear about my true identity and understand that name, relationship, position, address, career and everything else is my opportunity to live and enjoy the material world which was here before me and will continue to be after I leave it.