46 years ago - today.

 Seeing death so closely means never forgetting that moment and the events surrounding it. It is an experience that leaves a hole in the heart that never fills out again, no matter what one does or who else comes into one's life. I have never attempted to fill that hole. Instead I have made it a space that I can crawl into and be a child, and a princess anytime I want. 

My Baba, my Dad, is my hero. He was an imperfect man - a regular human to most, am sure, but to me he was flawless. Just the father I needed, to make me feel adored, and always cocooned. Baba was a big man to me. He was tall, broad, warm, with a smile that I will always cherish. Being in his presence made me glow with pride. He was a good man, a disciplined man, a man of very few words but when he spoke his words had purpose and depth. He had a guffaw for a laugh - not very often heard and usually short ones. It was almost like he would swallow his laugh half way because he did not want to share that fun side of him - that part of him was his alone. 

He was overly protective and hugely caring of his loved ones. The softness in his eyes betrayed his stern, silent demean. There was so much warmth in his very presence and yet people were never quite sure what he was thinking or whether or not he approved something - he mostly wore a scowl on his face - till that all pervading smile broke out.

He passed away on November 3rd 1975. He had been diagnosed with a galloping cancer in the brain less than 2 weeks prior. He was not his usual self for about 3 or 4 months at most. He left while at home in a coma while we watched him take his last long breath - then as we waited for his chest to rise again and nothing happened we knew that he had given up on life. He was 52. 

The Artist in me.

As a child I was made aware, that I was terrible at drawing/sketching/painting. I was told I had no 'sense of art.' I know that is true, but am not sure where that 'sense of art' comes from or what it comprises of, so have never made an attempt to 'learn(?)' it, till now.

For the last few months, I have been wanting to draw or paint, but have hesitated knowing that I would not be good at it. So I did the next best thing and took up an online course in drawing. I am happy I did as it has proven to be a hilarious exercise for me. There is no doubt I am terrible at it, but I also now know why.

I am not very observant of the physical world. I see things as general shapes and forms, but do not notice details, so reproducing things as a drawing from memory is impossible. I love elephants, I know they are big animals with big ears and a trunk, but am not aware of the proportions, or where their eyes are placed, or how long the trunk is, and if there is a difference in ear size or tusk size from one elephant to another, or even if they all are the same color. So, what is it about elephants I love? It is their stature, their majesty, their grace, the way they move, the old soul wisdom in their eyes, their attachment to each other - that is what I have observed about them. I could write a short story about an elephant, but I would not be successful at illustrating one as a drawing. I am sure that is my unique quality. :)

Then there is the sense of depth that I am unable to reproduce on paper. I look out of my window and see the trees and the grass and I love how the colors seem to synchronize with the environment in general, but ask me to reproduce the sight and I would be flummoxed trying to figure out where each element should be on my paper. Not that I do not see the depth, because I could write a descriptive essay about it, but maybe it is a kind of drawing dyslexia I need to overcome.

I am enjoying drawing so I sit down with a reference photograph (I cannot imagine drawing without one) and when I am finished it does not look anything like the photograph. I am sure I reproduced all the elements, but no, the two do not match. The challenge is that I can tell they are different but know not how to match them :(. Also I find that I can tell the difference more from a photograph of my work than from my original work. Rather strange I think.

As you can tell my work has a strange perspective. I know where I am as I look at the boardwalk in the photograph, but am hovering among the trees looking down upon my drawing. If I make another attempt I will probably be closer to the picture but in the meantime this gave me the opportunity to  add some flowers where there were none, simply to add some variety to the drawing. The end result made me smile - not as much at the drawing as at my inner child pushing forth and giggling with me. 

I have had comments from my drawing instructor for the assignments submitted that are very encouraging as he guides me along to make necessary changes which is very helpful. Then of course, my dear husband looks at my work and says, "very nice, but definitely not right." He cannot fathom why I cannot get the perspective right. I do not blame him as he cannot un-see what he can see, so how in the world is he going to see the world as a flat surface - wonder if you know what I mean? A girl friend is very appreciative of my work and keeps telling me I am improving every day, while my son says I should not give up my unique perspective. All in all my art is getting me reviews that are fast depleting my soft pastels and sand paper sheets.  

I will persevere, not to get to be a successful artist, but just to enjoy the process of improving my observation of this beautiful physical world that I live in. This art form has helped me to see things I have only glanced over for most of my life and I am enjoying this new found view of things around me. 

Abundance - redefined.

One dictionary meaning of the word abundance is 'in ample quantity.'

Feeling a sense of abundance is therefore a relative term. For a child enough pennies that he can hold in his hands is abundant, and for an adult enough pennies in a jar may not be. That is abundance in the material sense of the word.

In the philosophical sense abundance is more about the 'sense of contentedness,' than about 'plentitude.' Someone with millions may not be content and yet some will say he leads an abundant life. A millionaire may yearn to earn even more than he has and probably even more than a few generations after him will need, so abundance may never be achieved. Not necessary that millionaires do not understand abundance, many do and these are the ones who share their wealth with others with an open heart. The fulfillment they get comes from their sense of purpose and from understanding the place of wealth in the fulfillment of that purpose that goes beyond their inner circle. They acknowledge that wealth gives them the power to be inclusive, to be empathetic, and compassionate. Once they experience that they are not only millionaires but philanthropists.

An abundant life is one in which there is joy, love, and peace. Money is a part of that abundant life as it provides for a roof, food, safety and probably most importantly peace of mind. Money can also be a major reason for stress. Our relationship with money decides how we deal with money, and our sense of contentedness is a determinant of whether it brings us peace or stress. Money like all other tangible possessions is lifeless and our relationship with it is therefore one sided and completely in our control. Money does nothing to us. It is how we deal with money that affects us.

Having plenty brings joy when it is blessed with humility and gratefulness. Abundance brings love when it is sanctified with kindness and compassion; and it brings peace when it is hallowed with courage and fortitude. Abundance needs to make us inclusive and expansive otherwise no matter how much we have we will suffer from a sense of lack, of paucity.

For my personal use I choose to expand the dictionary definition of abundance - 'in ample quantity to satisfy.' If I am not content, or am yearning for more than needed, of anything - be it tangible or not - I cannot claim to be living an abundant life. It is the sense of contentedness that defines my abundant life and I can honestly say - I am not there yet. Not because I lack in anything, but because I am not yet at peace with what I do have.

I am examining my 'sense of lack' and it comes from a fear of the future. I look around at people of my generation and they are better prepared for the future than I am. This fear is rooted in the past and although I claim to live in the present, my mind is not firmly established in it. I have to regularly pull my mind away from the past and the future. Deeper introspection is called for to weed out this imaginary fear and to develop a strategy to a more secure mindset.

When I examine my life, I see that I have always had enough of everything and much more than enough of many things. The sense of lack is imaginary and completely unfounded. I have so much to be thankful for and I am grateful for all of it. Now if only I can weed the fear out of my psyche, I can truly live a life of abundance in the now. I have begun the process of contemplation on my fear and am sure this too will pass. Hopefully, soon, I will be writing about the results of that process. :)

Angels

So many angels have appeared in my life over the years. Some for a short time, some have stayed forever, but they have all played important roles in my life. The I of today is a result of all their influences and for that I am forever grateful. 

The beauty with angels is they come unannounced, do their thing in silence and step aside. They sometimes come back, though they may not have been acknowledged the first time, just because they are needed in my life again. Sometimes I have reached out to them during my time of need and they were right there to guide me, to reprimand me, to push me forward, to give me solace, to speak the truth, to provide me a shoulder or just to listen. 

Yesterday I spent my time meditating on these angels and giving them my thanks. I wanted to acknowledge them for the support they have given me in dealing with spiritual, emotional, or material issues. Some have been physically beside me, some I have yet to meet personally but am associated with through the world of technology. Some I have lost touch with, some I am in constant communication with and some others are in the periphery where they are easily accessible. 

My family has been my most unrestrained angels. Always wanting what is best for me and always expecting the best from me. They have been by my side even if I have pushed them aside in anger or frustration. They are family and also my best friends. They have made me strive to be a better person every day. Even those who were rude or abusive (am sure almost every family has some of those people) were angels in disguise, for they taught me how not to be. These were the ones who made me empathetic, as I learned first hand what being hurt actually feels like. Empathy, probably by far the most essential essence of the human existence - came because of the angels who made me cry. So, I am grateful to them too - only wish they were blessed with empathy and kindness themselves for they must be hurting deeply to so callously hurt others. 

My friends have been my strongest angels. They are the truth tellers that make me face my worst fears while embracing me so I do not crumble. My luck with friends surpasses all other good fortunes. They are the circle that forms around me and gives me strength when I am down and brings me down to earth when I am flying too high. Some of them have been tied to me like a cord that nothing can tear - non judgmental, expecting nothing in return. Some have wandered away but I will forever remain grateful to them for the part they have played in my life. 

My teachers have been my most blessed angels. They taught me not just from books, rather by demonstrating what being human was really about. I had the best teachers all through life - in schools, life coaches, spiritual teachers, advisers, and counselors. They have all left marks in me that I tap into often, for their teachings are relevant even today. They taught me what perseverance, integrity, honesty, love, compassion, charity and Truth can do for me and how I too can put these qualities forth. They form my base, the ground on which I stand firmly rooted. 

My places of work have always been an assembly line of angels. It is wondrous how much of my success is because of the people I have worked with. When I think of the trajectory of my career I am amazed that despite all my inabilities when I started off, I was able to establish myself as an asset at every job. I have to be grateful to all of the people who held me up and pushed me on and never lost faith in me. Without them by my side I would still be the clerk I started off as. 

Angels bring energy with them. This energy shifts the negative vibes out of my orbit and holds me in an aura of soothing light that makes it possible to see the truth and the good and to distance myself from anger and indifference. The energy makes me stronger, more compassionate, more confident and helps me spread love and joy. Angels come from different walks of life, under varying circumstances - they come as Messengers of the Universe and because they are needed at that exact moment. They are proof that we are all connected by an energy that binds. 

I bow down to each and every one of my Angels. You and I both know who you are. May you all have angels in your lives so you too can be surrounded by and spread out love and joy. You made a difference and I applaud you all. 

Lovers - The Muse and The Passion

Writing has been my passion, but even this passion seems to wane at times and then it is as if the muse pouts for the passion taking a break. The muse and the passion work hand in hand and are in a relationship as two lovers. It is amusing to watch them - very much in love - but unwilling to take the first step to reconciliation. Not wanting to be the one giving in, yet being aware that in this struggle they are both losing out on something beautiful. That is when intervention becomes essential. 

Cannot let this relationship die because the two parties are being unreasonable. That would be a colossal loss as together they foster peace, joy and a sense of fulfillment for the Universe they reside in. 

As a witness to this tiff between the two I have seen the muse rise,  bring up an idea, develop a theme and want to express itself but being incapable of doing so without the cooperation of the passion. Unfortunately the passion has too many interests. These days its biggest preoccupations are the political news, soaps and web-games. The tragedy lies in the fact that these diversions bring neither joy nor peace and are not fulfilling. They simply take up time and energy and muddy the pristine environment in which the muse is best nurtured. 

Intervention would require that the distractions be put aside. A tall order in the present environment where the news cycle is so pervasive with the constant bickering caused by a warped mind set of fear. As for the soaps - they are just a way to let one feel superior to the antagonists and to identify with the protagonists - knowing fully well that this has very little to do with reality. The worst culprit though, is undoubtedly the web games. It is as if mastering the games proves something when it does no such thing. All these distractions are the mind taking control and disallowing  peace to take hold. Meditation, reading, writing, needlework bring a calmness that the ego is constantly fighting. From this calmness comes a sense of space and energy, that nurtures realization of the true potential of the mind and the spirit; and where the spirit rises the ego seems to lose its identity.

“Hey, Mr Ego - you are an essential part of this Universe. I know, because you reside in me. I am your Universe. It is impossible for me to exist without you. Stop being so pushy. Lie low and watch what big things can be achieved. Taking control is a horrible habit to develop. It drains your energy, makes you fearful and no good comes out of it. Consciously let Mrs Spirit come forth. She will lovingly co-exist with you, help you regain your energy, edify you and together you will bloom.”

The muse is asleep. The passion has drained it of its energy. Now the Universe needs to collaborate with the environment to make it possible for the muse to rise, feeling loved and needed. The environment will need to be changed so the distractions can be put aside and the passion can be re-directed to open its arms to the muse. Meditation will start the process then reading and  needlework will help fill the gaps that have distanced the lovers, for the muse is inspired by the passion indulging in these calming activities. These lovers belong together and their Universe will conspire to keep them together. It must. 

Bringing back my Muse

My muse seems to have taken a long break. Have not written seriously for a while now and I think it is the games on my phone that are to blame for my muse taking a back seat. There is a game called '2048' that I am obsessed with. Very addictive.

So I decided to take a Right Brain/Left Brain Quiz. Even if it is not one hundred percent accurate the results tell me I have some balancing to do.



Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz

Left Brain Dominance:
(11)
Right Brain Dominance:
(6)

Right Brain/ Left Brain Quiz



For the next few months I am going to stay away from games like Sudoku and 2048. Instead I will read and write more, listen to music, meditate and bring more balance into my life. My job needs me to deal with numbers and make logical decisions on a daily basis. My leisure needs, from now on, to be dabbling with some creative work that is not repetitive in nature. Crocheting also requires me to count more than create - maybe I should design a new pattern, instead of working on patterns designed by others.

Words have always been my friend and I am taking them for granted, as I know that the flow will come naturally the moment I apply myself to writing every day. I pledge to write at least a page a day, even if it is gibberish.

What stopped me from writing a few months ago was the sense that what was wanting to be penned was not what I wanted people to read. The words were dark and negatively charged. These do not characterize who I want to portray myself as, to the world. Pain is a part of life. When that pain is inflicted on you there needs to be an outlet so you can heal. My outlet has always been words. I have written about pain and healing but what I did write was not reflective of what I really wanted to say. It was generic and did not delve into my emotional, visceral reactions. If I do express on paper what I want to, it may prove to be both shocking and hurtful to some. I, therefore, made a conscious choice not to commit it to paper. That meant that I plugged the pathway that my expressions pour out of. Instead I filled the channel with numbers, math, logic, and reasoning. All good things, but I kept some of the more beautiful aspects of life out. 

Expect more posts on my blog, friends. I am still not sure what I will post here but please do bear with me.

Thank you for continuing to visit. Back again soon. 

How Change Can Affect Us

Over the last few years my self-awareness has heightened. I no longer let life blind-side me. I do not know what will happen in the future, but in the present moment I am consciously experiencing everything. I learn from it, I respond to it and attempt to come out a stronger, better, happier me. I find that this awareness means the Universe is so much more abundant in what it has to offer. All of it has always been part of my Universe - only I was traveling through it with blinkers on.

Around the end of May, I was introduced to the idea that it is possible to be East Indian and not eat grains. Everyday Indian cuisine has a staple of grains - mainly rice and wheat. The base of every meal is either cooked rice or some form of unleavened bread (roti, naan, paratha, puri etc.). Then there are beans, legumes, vegetables, fruits, nuts, dairy, eggs, fish, and meats. Whether we are vegetarians or not, grains are a major component of every meal. Since being diagnosed with diabetes, twenty years ago, I have restricted my overall intake of carbs including rice and wheat, but never considered giving them up completely. Till now.

For a few weeks before the germ of the grain free diet plan came into my purview I had a few episodes of hyperglycemia alternating with hypoglycemia. Nothing had changed in my diet, exercise, and neither was there any change in stress. Maybe I was moving towards being a brittle diabetic despite being on an insulin pump and being so careful with my diet. I knew that carbs played an important role in the management of my diabetes. I also knew that reducing my carbs would give me room to fine tune my insulin intake. That is when the plan of going grain free ventured subtly into my world.

I decided to try it - at least till I could bring my blood sugars to normal again. It meant finding resources that would make it sustainable at least for a few weeks. I needed recipes, a shopping list, an affordable store and a willing partner in my husband. Fortunately I have a friend who is extremely resourceful with information and the barrage of recipes she WhatsApped (that must be a word now) me only excited and motivated me to dive wholeheartedly into it. Wheat flour was replaced with almond flour, coconut flour, tapioca flour, and combinations of these. Rice and breads were replaced with savory legume crepes and tapioca flour pancakes, making rice unnecessary. I had to change my meat and vegetable recipes to be drier so I did not need the rice and I increased intake of coconut oil, butter and ghee (clarified butter) and ensured I had at least some animal protein for every meal. I was fuller with less food and stayed satiated longer. I added a few servings of vegetables, and to satisfy the sweet tooth I ate very small servings of fruit. I made sure not to deprive myself of flavor or texture so I could stay on the meal plan, and it worked. It is now just about 20 weeks that I have been completely grain free - not carbs free - grain free. I have eaten no grains, no potatoes and no refined sugars and I am still excited and happy with the plan. Cutting grains out caused my carbs intake to reduce and so I am taking less insulin.

Breakfast:  Cheese and vegetable omelette / fresh 2 minute almond flour bread in a cup in the microwave / fresh 2 minute almond flour banana walnut muffin in a cup in the microwave / fresh 2 minute strawberry coconut flour muffin in a cup in the microwave / fresh home made bean sprouts with fresh yogurt / mixed nuts with a serving of fruits / cheese with a serving of fruits.

Lunch: legume crepe;  (these with a serving of fish, meat or egg and a serving of vegetables and some chutney made with almonds and yogurt) / home made dahi vada / steamed vegetables with curried fish / spicy roast chicken with raita.

Snack: nuts / vegetable fritters / cheese / occasinally a fruit - berries, grapefruit or melon slice / almond flour cookies / chick pea flour cookies. (Only home made cookies - yumm!)

Dinner: Naan made from a combination of Tapioca flour and chick pea flour or crepes accompanied with a fish or meat and a vegetable. A cup of yogurt is a must.

Dessert: Almond flour peach cobbler / carrot halwa with full cream, pureed dates and chunks of walnuts / nuts and dates no bake cookies / coconut and dates no bake cookies / home made sugar free custard ( sweetened with pureed dates or coconut palm sugar) (These are occasional - not everyday)

I have 1 cup of green tea, 1 cup of coffee and one cup of kefir every day. I add a few pieces of ginseng root in my green tea and a teaspoonful of cinnamon powder to my coffee every day. Turmeric has been part of my diet all my life. I also take a shot of fresh ginger juice and fresh lime/lemon juice every night.

The first things I noticed with going off grains - knee pain.....gone. I had developed a pain in my right knee for almost a year now that had been deteriorating. Bowel movements.......never been better. Sleep..... more restful and wake up fresh. Bloating...... gone. Cravings..... gone. Smiling......more. Irritable....less. Insulin dose.....reduced. Blood sugar levels......normal. I do not take any medication other than insulin and occasionally homeopathic remedies for any symptoms that may come up due to injuries or physical strain etc. I had been prescribed Statins and BP meds as part of management of diabetes and I requested my physician to let me wean myself off them and he agreed based on the fact that my blood sugars have continued to be within normal range for the last many years now. For those of us who understand the relevance of HbA1c levels - when I was first diagnosed the level was at 22.2%. Over the last 6 years (ever since I have been on the insulin pump) my levels are at 5.8% to 6.0% consistently. It means I have less chemicals going into my system and therefore less toxicity. My kidneys, heart, liver, eyes, peripheral nerves are all functioning like a normal 60 year old body. I am living proof that Diabetes can be managed and that food can be our friend if we eat and drink right. I know exercise is just as important, but I lead a very sedentary life and am not motivated enough to change that .... yet.

Changing my diet has not been difficult and the results only more motivating. It is as if I needed the change. My body gave me the message - fluctuating blood sugars; almost concurrently the Universe presented me with a solution - diet options; since my awareness is heightened I went with the solution. Instead of pumping meds for the pain and upping my insulin I changed what and how I eat and it worked to my advantage. Nutrition is a very important element of health care. I had given up all prepackaged processed foods and that had helped with  an overall feeling of well-being. Eating grass fed meats and cutting out vegetable oils also helped and now replacing grains has taken it to a higher level of well-being.

Making choices with awareness and knowledge; being conscious of the effects of change; adjusting life style to ensure physical and emotional health, are all part of a well rounded life. I have learned how to adapt to change and not be set in my ways and I am reaping the benefits today. Change is a good thing and an integral part of life. Some change happens in a void and there are some that we choose to make. Results too are sometimes predictable and sometimes not, that is what makes life so interesting and embracing change gives us the opportunity to grow and to learn.

The one change I am unable to make - adding exercise to my life style. The Universe has not given me any signals that make that possible at this time. My blinkers are off - but ...... :)

Path to Healing

Pain and hurt is part of the path traveled by all. I have learned that there is no value in laying blame on others for the hurt I feel. On the other hand there is great advantage to taking responsibility for allowing the hurt. Therein lies the secret to healing. By responsibility I do not mean blaming oneself, but recognizing that for someone to hurt me I must have given them the power to protect my inner being, that should always be mine. Once you own up to this, you have the power to heal yourself.

Hurt can soften the heart so one can empathize with the pain of others. Hurt can, just as much, harden the heart and so can perpetuate the infliction of hurt to others. That is a choice. Perpetuating hurt leads to bitterness and unhappiness. Kindness and compassion lead to healing and joy. Awareness is key. Be acutely conscious that hurting another leads to a mean spirit that can isolate and be self destructive.

It took me years to acknowledge my hurt and pain, but before that I learned to be empathetic to others. Somewhere inside of me the pain that I did not acknowledge, softened me towards the world. It was on acknowledging the hurt, that I could award that same empathy towards the child within me. Then on, the healing came speedily. Along with the healing came resolve - a no-nonsense, non-negotiable strength to disallow others to hurt me. It is inherent within the healing process to have the power to repel hurt. Not just to ignore it but to strongly stand up and let your power be expressed.

Some may have believed that to be hurtful is their prerogative, but to ward off the hurt and refuse to hand over my dignity or my self worth is my right. One of the reasons I enabled hurt was because I considered the hurt felt by the other, if I was to not take the hurt, as unkind. Yes, that feeling is just as convoluted as the sentence. Yet, it is an overpowering weakness and needs active participation in the caring of ones soul to turn that around. Repel getting hurt without causing another to be hurt. Know that how the other feels is not important, it is whether you are coming from a place of love and understanding. I would never allow anyone to hurt my children, but I allowed the child within me to face that ordeal without check. As a matter of fact I never acknowledged the existence of that child in me.

So here is the path I took to healing:

1. Acknowledged that I hurt. Not being able to recognize a wound is dangerous. It took me years to acknowledge that I hurt.

2. Accepted responsibility for allowing the hurt. This did not come in a day. It took hours of self pity, anger, sadness, blame, shame, guilt, and tears to recognize that no matter what emotion I felt I came out weaker. It was then that I realized that the only way to overcome this negativity was to own my power - only I could reverse this. I stopped telling myself that I was hurting and instead told myself that the hurt was there and now it required my healing touch.

3. Looked myself in the mirror every day and said, "I love you," to myself. I wrote it on my phone screen, on my mirror, on my computer screen, on sticky notes on every door whether it was the front door or a closet door or a cabinet door. I told myself I was perfect the way I was. I reminded myself, that I was special - a gift to this Universe and deserved to be treated as such. Eventually I realized that it was true. I am special, I am a gift, I am worthy of my love, respect and care. Not only did this make me feel good, it also motivated me to continue to improve myself as a person.

4. Taught myself to balance kindness towards myself and others. I learned how not to sacrifice one for the other. I learned how to say 'No,' without feeling guilt. My spirit deserved to be free and open. If the other is unable to take my, 'No,' that is not on me. I learned how to express kindness from the heart - not because I felt guilty but because I am kind. Everything I say and do is from a wealth of joy and abundance. I can and so I do. Being able to offer love and empathy to others, understanding how difficult it is to heal, is an important part of self healing, and this same empathy towards myself is what heals me.

Being empathetic and giving towards others maybe 'noble.' To be kind to oneself without being self centered is essential. Loving others can deplete us if we are not loved ourselves. I have seen scores of women be bitter and indifferent as they age. These are women who have spent their entire lives being strong, and supportive until they stop wanting that role. I could not understand this change till I experienced it myself. It was as if I was depleted and had nothing left in me. I had lost the will to be. It was not that I was not loved and appreciated by my family and friends - because I was. Yet the emotional exhaustion was real. There was an emptiness that seemed to engulf me. This gaping hole that I could feel but could not express, depressed me. I reached the bottom when my husband was recovering from cancer. There came a day when I was overwhelmed with self pity. I did not care anymore, I felt complete indifference towards everyone. I had just helped my husband through a major health issue, he was still recovering and needed my attention, but something inside of me had dried up and there was no way I could continue. It took loving myself to refill that hole.

Healing requires introspection and self love. There is a need for silence and for solitude. Healing also requires a support system that is non-judgmental and non-demanding. I was fortunate enough to get all of that with my stint in Montreal and for that reason Montreal has a very special place in my heart. It was like a womb and it made me whole again. I have had many phases in the six decades when I have grown because of an unannounced life circumstance, and each time I have been deeply aware and appreciative of the lessons learned. This time is no different. This path to growth and healing is an ever evolving one and only after one lesson has been learned does the next one come along. I pray I always remain open to these lessons. The path to healing continues and with each day I love myself more. 

What will I take with me?

For the last 2 years April has been a month of deeper contemplation than the other 11. It was in April 2014 that my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer, operated on and has since been in remission. The 10 days he was in hospital were intense and spiritually revealing. It showed me the importance of silence and the power of personal strength. For the first time in my life I was aware that I was not being motivated by adrenaline - I was not in fight or flight mode. I was acutely aware of everything that was happening around me and I was acting accordingly. I was making decisions guided by something bigger than me. I was more attentive of what was happening around me because I was acutely aware of what was happening with me. That sense has stayed with me ever since. It humbles me to know that I was purposefully ignorant for a major portion of my life. Not that I know it all now, but that life event, has shown me that wisdom is infinite and life experiences are the tool that opens up the eternal library of wisdom. We only need the wherewithal to learn.

In this my seventh decade of existence I recognize that I have fewer years ahead of me than behind me. I have this moment and no guarantee that the next one will be upon me. This April I have spent thinking about my own death and what that means to me. What will I take with me on that journey from the world I know. Death means I leave everything of this material world behind. My family, my job, my home, my possessions, my writings - everything will most definitely be left behind. Right now I do not know how much longer I will live so I have no idea how long all of these are here for me to share and enjoy. In a generation I, this physical me, will be completely forgotten. That I existed will be a story told by those who will survive after me.

I do not know where I am going after death. My belief is that I will be reborn, but I do not claim to have any scientific proof of that. Yet, I would like to hold on to the belief that something of me will move on. I do not know where it will go - but science says that nothing ever comes to an end, it transforms. We also know that some qualities of the original form remains in the transformed form. Simplistically water came from being in a gaseous form and can convert to the solid form but the chemical composition of all three states remains the same. I believe that what gives life to this physical body is an energy that will transform or simply move out of this physical body and go somewhere. So what will that energy take with it?

This life cannot be without meaning. Even if some claim that my coming into existence is a coincidence, it is not purposeless. Nature shows us that we are all co-dependent. The trees, the soil, the waters, the air, the beings all serve some need of another so we can co-exist. That in itself is proof to me that I am for the benefit of some or all of us. If that is so, then what is it about me that is beneficial to this world? My answer is - it is what I do that benefits you. All that I do for myself comes from my dependence on something or someone else. It therefore is clear to me that what I do for other beings or to other things is my purpose. My actions - good or bad - that have impacted this natural world around me have left indelible marks on my Energy and these will leave with me. These actions have not changed my Energy but their effects are being carried and will remain with me. Some of my actions have borne fruit in my lifetime and may have been fully expended and converted into something else. Say I have hurt you and you still carry that hurt, then that energy has not yet been expended. If you have been kind to me and I am carrying that energy of kindness when you pass on, then that energy has not been expended and you will have taken it along with you.

With this thought in mind. I wish to ask for forgiveness for any pain I may have caused anyone at any time during this life. Please know that even if I may have had any intent to hurt, earlier in my life, I no longer have that in me today. I beg for forgiveness. If I have been good to you, I would like to thank you for giving me such an opportunity and suggest you move forward with the benefits you may have reaped and pay it forward. I want to say thank you for all the love and kindness I have received in my lifetime and let all know that I hold no grudges against anyone and do not intend to for the rest of my life here.

I am not intending to die soon - just that I want to have no loose ends when I do. I therefore, wish to express my love and my gratitude for this life that I am living. I want to be able to carry good karma with me so I can continue to be loving and grateful for eternity. If I am reborn that will mean bliss and if for some reason all of my babble above is not true and just my imagination at play - no harm done, right? Goodness is a good thing to take along and leave behind. :)

How to Break Out

It takes time and awareness to recognize that we are being wronged. The veil of love and trust mixed in with fear and insecurity keeps the wrong doer and the wrong done concealed. We see it happening and maybe hope, it is 'just this once, after all no one is perfect.' Eventually we must admit that we were fooling ourselves and have been played. Stop right there and take a deep breath because the truth of the matter is - we reneged on taking care of the one person we should never neglect - this "ME." I know now, that everything I was taught about being selfless should have been predicated with 'but not at the cost of your own destruction.' A line must be drawn once we recognize that we are giving up on being tender and loving to our own spirit. A child does not have the understanding of the wrong being done, nor the power to change things. It takes self awareness, awareness of the outside world, and a lot of self love to eventually acknowledge and extricate oneself from the web that keeps us trapped

The shift from love, through hurt, anger, grief, and sadness, to self-love, is a mental pathway that we have to go through before we can come to forgive. It is a cathartic journey to forgiving oneself for giving away ones power. "How could I not have seen it?" "How could I have let it continue?" "Why did I not stop it?" "Why did I not walk away?" The questions don't stop and there are very few logical answers. There is one thread to the answer - we loved and trusted the other, but ignored our inner being. Spirit only witnesses - it does nothing more. The choice to care for it is entirely upto the smaller 'me', who looks outward till it reaches a dead end and only then thinks of finding answers within. No matter how much love and support your parents, spouse, children, siblings or friends give you - know that love for your Self is by far the most enduring you will ever have. I no longer believe in a personal God and to me 'God Loves You' means I have access to love within me. This is the Love that takes us to forgiveness and beyond.

It is within our power to stop letting others wrong us. It is possible to forgive the wrong doer, forget the hurt; but to not let the person hurt you again, make sure you recognize the attribute you have, that allowed the wrong to be done in the first place. Take the time to know yourself. The more you love the person, the more you will need to consciously love yourself. The steps needed to stop the abuse will come from that space of love for yourself. Each of us will handle it differently, but handle it we must. Some relationships break, others correct themselves, still others will constantly evolve but every abusive relationship requires that we have a strong sense of the One I, so we do not allow the abuse to continue and we do not propagate abuse.

We play an integral role in allowing abuse. This is not to say we are to blame, rather to say we do not recognize our own power. The abuse may stop once our power is manifest - if it does not, we must distance ourselves. Abuse is a reflection of the weakness of character of the abuser. It is not our responsibility to strengthen his/her character. It is however our duty to help those being abused to get their self-respect and their power back and that includes you, if you are being abused. If you have been abused be empathetic to others around you - own your hurt so you can feel the pain others are going through. Empathy requires us to acknowledge our own pain first.

It is important to know that abuse can be subtle and we get conditioned to it. Someone looking from the outside in, may see it right away, but if one is being abused it seems like normal behavior. This is truer when the abuse is from someone who is supposed to provide you with care, support, guidance, nurturing. A parent can be just as abusive as a spouse or a boss. It depends more on the power or authority one has over you. Abuse is also not gender specific. Men and women can both be abusive or abused.

Develop character, self confidence, self reliance and surround yourself with good people. Be honest with yourself. Be kind and loving to yourself. Be observant and if you have experienced abuse in any relationship be vigilant and learn how not to be. Teach yourself to say 'No.' You owe no explanation for saying it. Respect your instinct. If something hurts, it is because it is meant to hurt. If you place your hand in something hot, you instinctively know how to respond. Emotional pain brings on the same instinctive response and deserves to be acknowledged.

Be kind, empathetic, and aware towards all. Remember you are an integral part of 'all.'

6 Decades Later

Life has been an experience worth having. I generally do not dwell on the past, instead I tend to introspect and concentrate on the now. Today I would like to delve into my past - to take stock of how life has influenced who I am.

One vital lesson - the only constant is 'I am.' The predicate changed as I walked through life but all of those changes left the 'I am,' untouched. The little child has walked through 6 decades and now appears to be an old woman, but I still feel what the child felt then and through every experience she has been through since. The love, the joy, the fear, the desires, the sadness, the empathy, the envy, the anger, the indifference and more - are all there. I have learned how to process them, express them, absorb them or discard them - but the original feelings are all still part of this being because I am now, as I was then. Time has passed but the Being remains unchanged. I am unable to encapsulate that Being, unable to identify it in isolation and yet I must acknowledge its unchanging nature. Since I do, I necessarily must acknowledge it in everyone else.

Over time I have learned to be silent. Silencing the mind has taken much effort and innumerable hours of practice and every emotion that rises within me shakes that silence. I find that holding back on the words and reining them in opens a space within where the emotions and the thoughts converse between themselves and bring me to a peace filled silence. Conversely if I react outwardly while still in the realm of emotion the mind cannot find stillness with the same ease or peace. I have always filtered my emotions through thoughtfulness and then expressed the results in words - oral or written, but now there is no filter - expression of an emotion is an internal affair from which I come out with a perception and a lesson in meditative silence. Any expression of that perception brings a sense of calm and joy that is self glorifying. Keeping that glory under rein then becomes the struggle. This feeling of being somehow superior and exalted can overwhelm the silence and the mind takes over and disturbs the calm. A lot more effort is required to silence this sense of glory. Glory feels good and the mind wants to dwell on it. Deeper introspection, meditative silence, being kind to myself, bowing my head to that unchanging inner child - consciously and with forgiveness and humility, eventually brings the silence back.

I like being alone. I enjoy my own company. I read, write, do crossword puzzles, solve sudoku, work, meditate, and have very little time to socialize either one-on-one or on cyber space. I have brought idle interaction down to a bare minimum. I stay abreast of how loved ones are and what the current state of the world is, but I do not delve into details, nor do I choose to debate any issues. I respect the perspective of others, understand the 'other' side, and rethink my own opinion but I no longer have the need to be right or to be understood. There are no absolutes in the material world and spending time trying to bring consensus is futile. There will always be another point of view - and I respect that. I find this teaches me more about life. It opens avenues where thought wanders into to find its way into a deeper understanding of the material world and helps appease the curiosity that could otherwise shatter the silence.

The first many years of my life were spent in simple existence. Living life as it came. There was no sense of purpose. I was guided by what was happening around me fulfilling the roles that life was assigning to me. It was in my mid forty that this thirst to know more, the feeling of discontent, the urge to find passion and purpose seemed to take over. I was fortunate to have met some like minded women on the net during this time and we were all going through the same struggles. The journey to moving inwards and finding the Being in the inner depths began there with these ladies. I am still in touch with some of those beautiful souls and have them to thank for the circle of love that allowed us all to bloom.

In this 7th decade I continue this beautiful trip. I know I am closer to the end of life than to the start of this one and that death can strike anytime - like it could have for the last 6. Living in the now turns the thought of death into a moment. Here now - gone now. My desire is that upon my death my loved ones celebrate my living moments and so I continue to be better, do better, with love, passion, compassion and integrity - always. Many have touched my soul through this journey and some of them have passed away. Yet the bond I feel with them is palpable - my Being touching their Being - that unchanging One within each of us.

I bow down to you, the undefined you,
The one who resides within me too.
I feel your breath, I feel your touch,
A fluttering feather I try to clutch.
You were here and so was I
You are gone and so will I.
A new being is born today
That same one in a new bouquet,
And so we all continue on
The day, the night, the dusk, the dawn
Always seeking, yet in a whirl
Till we find that elusive pearl! 

The Weight of Silence

Words carry the weight of our thoughts. It is a good exercise to count how many times we say, "But that is not what I meant;" or "Just kidding;" or even "Oops, slip of the tongue." What we mean and what we say often conflict. We use terms like semantics to explain away the disagreement, yet once the words are out - they are embedded in the minds of those who hear them. We may choose to use the written word which are just as weighty, and find ourselves either back peddling or explaining our intent or our thought process.

We often 'say the wrong thing,' yet we must be aware that the person hearing us does not know so. If you try to explain or re-word what you first said the idea that if the words were spoken, there is a place in the mind where it exists, remains. "You have gained weight!" can be very hurtful to the person being addressed. It may be true but it is unkind to make negative comments about physical appearances. Saying, "I only said it because I worry about you," changes nothing. If you were worried, you would inquire about health before calling out the weight.

When what we say and what we do are incongruous, we lose credibility. Saying, ' I would never hurt my dog,' and leaving it chained outside in the bitter cold are incongruous. The words carry zero weight. The hypocrisy that otherwise may be hidden shines bright when someone talks about love, but lies to, neglects or disrespects another.

Apologies and explanations are never enough to cause words to 'un-sting.' It is best to develop the skills to filter our words on cue. My mantra is - I would rather be kind than right. I sometimes pay the price for being kind and get walked over by people who take my kindness for weakness, but it matters not to me. I know the importance of distancing myself from people who are disrespectful of me, and have learnt how to do so with compassion. I also know that I mostly attract like minded people.

Silence carries as much if not more weight than words. Silence in the face of disrespect or neglect says more than words ever could. Yet the right words must be spoken when we see injustice or evil, for then silence gives power to the wrong doer. Knowing what to say is important but knowing when to speak and when to stay silent is an essential part of our humanity. Words are not an attempt to change others, but a tool to raise awareness. Words we use must be well thought out. Hurtful words; words that assign blame; words that accuse or belittle are a waste and should be kept out of our vocabulary. Words must be used to reach into the hearts of people and bring out the best in them. Often times I read or hear something that prompts a response. If I do respond with the written or spoken word the peace within me is what makes room for the thoughts that must be expressed. I use my words with loving care, express them and let the thoughts enhance my inner wisdom and leave.

Silence and kindness are beautiful together. I find the urge to be kind grows the more silent I become. Silence makes space within my mind for peace to reside. Dwelling on thoughts becomes unnecessary. If I stay silent my response passes through me and widens the space bringing a little more kind understanding and eventually peace has more room to expand.

Words are my friend - they have been for the longest time. I enjoy reading and writing and over time I have learned to evaluate words by the weight they carry. Silence on the other hand is my guide - it lends its power to my thoughts, words and actions; brings me peace and affords me the time and the space to introspect and get to know myself more.

'I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.' Khalil Gibran

Authenticity

Authenticity brings peace into everyday life. It makes for self-assurance and self-worth. Honest folk admit they are imperfect and often work towards perfection. People lacking authenticity feel weak and insecure on the inside. Society has always been a bag full of people of both kinds. There is nothing wrong in being imperfect – the problem morphs when we hide our imperfections. That is a sure sign of deep rooted insecurities. 

Insecurity, to one wanting to be authentic, is the perfect opportunity to introspect and work through the issues so inner peace can be maintained. Someone who is unwilling to work through the fear and insecurity, will necessarily be dishonest. Imagine having to live with the inner conflict of knowing what is right but doing what is wrong. Such a person can become cruel, bitter, and cold. It is one reason being alone with oneself becomes an impossibility. They will always be afraid of that dark corner because it is within them – a place they dare not confront as it is filled with anger, shame, and guilt. It feels like a festering tooth abscess. You feel the throbbing pain, taste the rotting blood, and smell the putrefaction but smile through it all, hoping no one will notice. You know the smile is unreal but you cannot help but smile.

Visiting our insecurities and confronting them is frightening – but only for the moment. The shame, the guilt, and the ugliness of those darkest parts of our life hold us down and cause us suffering. Once we have worked through them though, we feel liberated. The fear of being exposed seems insurmountable, but truth has the potential to release all the negative energies and thus free us. Sometimes the material consequences appear painful, but the inner strength authenticity gives us will not just see us through this loss and pain but it opens horizons for the future we never dreamed of.

An insecure childhood due to poverty, neglect, abuse, poor parenting, abandonment, illiteracy, war, or anything else is not the fault of children with no tools to overcome the assault of their circumstances. It is therefore easier to be led by bad experiences to mold our life. Yet, as adults, it is within our power to change things and as a society we owe it to each other to help work through our fears and insecurities. The challenge is in recognizing these fears. Fear is expressed through our actions and our treatment of others and ourselves. When we as a people, normalize aberrant behavior we are choosing to lose sight of these fears. The person demonstrating this behavior will justify it and express their belief with free abandon and there is not much we can say or do that will change them. People change only when they recognize the need to change. Often this need comes when the burden of their actions overwhelms the original insecurity. If we can change ourselves, and share our experiences openly then others can emulate us and slowly we are surrounded by people on the same path.

To give up on people who are insecure and afraid is an act of cowardice but to normalize their unnatural behavior is destructive. If after trying to help the person through, you fail to get them to see their aberration, it is better to be a coward than to accept their behavior and thus destroy them from the inside out. Keep the door open for them to come back when they are ready to overcome their fears so they know they are not alone. Don’t forget being alone with shame and guilt is frightening. Once the person is ready for change, they need to feel supported. Their strength will return but for the moment they will feel defeated.

Authenticity is about the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It allows us to be who we are when we are alone or in company. This company could be strangers, friends or family and we can be who we are no ifs or buts. It is hard to be so authentic when we have built facades around us, but these facades can be dropped layer by layer. With it is the need to develop good morals and values that are based on non-violence, compassion, and love – for oneself and for others. This balance is what good character is built on. Character is a determinant of our destiny and gives us the courage to face the consequences of our actions. That is what brings joy, inner peace, self-confidence, and self-worth. We owe it to ourselves to be the masters of our own destiny and to never give the power of our own joy to others. To let others destroy us is to deny our self-worth. We are all worthy and we deserve to live so our worth is fully expressed. Let us introspect and identify our imperfections and let us examine how we are expressing these so we can move towards the perfection we have the potential to achieve. Let us help each other on this difficult journey. I am here for you and would like you to hold my hand too. 

"When you feel a peaceful joy, that's when you are near truth." Rumi